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7
Afternoon Tea – or not
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Jago was not propping up the wall. He was propping up the bar and did not, in all honestly, look in a fit condition for making polite conversation over the tea-cups (if there were any) or for being mobilized into a rescue plan by three determined women.
"Freddie! Coffee! Black coffee! Lots of it!" Jess bellowed into the back-room where the barman had been peacefully minding his own business and putting his feet up, custom being slack at this time of the day.
The coffee was more of a theatrical gesture than an actual necessity. Jess figured the quickest way to sober Jago up was to tell him what was in store for him! He was right. In next to no time, they were sitting quietly at a table with the coffee pot between them and Freddie on the alert to refill it promptly, since fortifying their nerves with alcohol was out of the question.
Jess had already put the fear of Mrs. Mulholland and her conspiring sisters into Jago. He did not really need to exaggerate, either. Jago had had enough experience already of his pseudo-aunt's imperious manner and was profoundly grateful he was staying at the hotel and not at her house. But there was no escaping the summons for this afternoon. His expression suggested that he'd rather like to blame Jess for this, although typically he did not vocalise this. Jess, on the other hand, was extremely vocal, pointing out to Jago that it was all his own fault for once more driving his sister out to visit the Sherman Relay Station on the previous afternoon.
"I had t'do something drastic!" Jess had been driven nearly to breaking point by his own self-imposed silence. "You have no idea what it's been like since Hope came callin' that first time, never mind yesterday!"
Jago gave him a dry look which implied Jess didn't have to live with her all the time.
Jess ignored the look. "The place used t'be comfortable. Now y' can't breathe on the furniture," he moaned, "and the floor's like skatin' on an iced pond." Contrary to all reasonable expectations, Jonesy had got it badly too.
Jago remained unmoved. Perhaps he was used to his sister being surrounded by domestic perfection or maybe their mother was just house-proud and he was used to living with the effects? Or perhaps the brief glimpse he had had of the inside of the relay station had convinced him that a little more polish, both literal and figurative, would not go amiss?
"There's nothing in the house to eat except cake!" This was not entirely an exaggeration and was in any case bound to be a minus for the now-returned Harper appetite.
Jago just glared at him since he was subjected to the horrors of dining with Mrs. Mulholland every day. Cake in all-male company would be infinitely preferable!
"Slim's got more oil on his hair than you'd use on a stage axle!" An unnecessary addition, as Slim's neat blonde hair always looked impeccable.
At this, Jago merely raised an eyebrow. After all, he didn't have to share a bedroom with an enraptured suitor who felt he had to do everything in his power to achieve perfection and that included perfuming the air with various aromatic unguents and pungent lotions.
"And to cap it all, she called Andy 'sweet'!" Anything more calculated to antagonize a teenage boy would be hard to imagine. As an approach from his brother's beloved, it was insensitive, to say the least. And the resulting fit of sulks was hard to put up with, too, as Jess had to balance supporting Andy's hurt feelings with a new role he had acquired as confidant to the hopeful lover. "And if I hear her name again …!" Fortunately words failed him at this point.
Jago glanced in trepidation at the clock over the bar. It was a toss-up whether it was worse having to put up with Jess's tirade of complaints or to face the three waiting for them. Jess had no such dilemma. He knew better than to go against the combined forces of Miss Eli and Martha, even if they were on his side. He also knew better than to be late.
Accordingly they gave each other a once-over in the hope of creating a suitably sober and reliable impression. This involved dusting off their hats, brushing their vests, and rubbing their boots on the back of the legs of their pants. Jess could not recall feeling so nervous about his appearance since he was seven and trying to convince his ma that he did not need to be sent back to wash behind his ears. Needless to say, Mrs. Harper had not been fooled and Jess didn't hold out much hope of three shrewd and experienced ladies being fooled either – but one had to try.
When the two nervous young men were ushered into Mrs. Mulholland's drawing room, the shine on their boots was as nothing compared to the gleam in three pairs of female eyes. Admittedly this gleam, on the part of two of them, was at least partially inspired by two very good looking young men, with a distinct partiality for the Texan one … but be that as it may, they were immediately invited to sit down and learn their part in the plan to dissuade Hope from her triumphal progress through the susceptible hearts of male population of Laramie.
"The objective of this process," Mrs. Mulholland began, rather as if she were addressing a fund-raising committee, "is to enlighten my young visitor as to the realities of actual life as it is experienced in Laramie."
"Teach her what really goes on here," Miss Eli translated, noting with amusement the slightly baffled expression on both the young men's faces.
"Give her some practical experience," Martha contributed, "enough to let her know that life can be hard and isn't just a round of social events."
"How brave are you?" Mrs. Mulholland fixed her gimlet-like gaze on Jess.
"How brave do I have to be?" Jess asked cautiously, hiding a grin since he was conscious of his fan-club bristling at the mere suggestion that he might lack courage.
"As brave as you are normally," Martha told him with a smile, "but if you could avoid getting too battered in the process, it would be a change."
"Jago can protect me," Jess grinned back.
"No, he can't!" Miss Eli put in. "He has his part to play, but he has to look as if he's got nothing to do with it. In fact, both of you have got to be really sneaky about the whole enterprise."
Jess glanced at his companion and said: "I think we can do sneaky, if you tell us what's needed?"
"You need to administer a shock, without getting anyone killed!" Miss Eli told them. This caused them both to sit up and pay attention because the thought of anyone getting hurt had not entered their heads. Clearly the ladies were determined to deal really seriously with this problem.
"So," Mrs. M continued majestically, "we have planned a picnic."
"A picnic!" The baffled look on two faces was replaced by incredulity. After which, Jess said solemnly: "I think I can be brave enough for a picnic."
"Ah, but this is no ordinary picnic," Martha was positively grinning. "This is a picnic with added hazards."
"For which a certain degree of bravery is requisite," Mrs. Mulholland added.
Jess raised an eyebrow.
"We want you to get injured."
"You do? Martha, you just said I wasn't to!" he protested plaintively.
"You just have to slice your arm up a bit," Martha told him.
"I do?"
"Just enough blood to look gory without doing serious damage."
"Thanks!"
"Hope needs an opportunity to find out that a woman has to know how to bandage up her man!" stated the arch-bandager of all time.
"Why me? Slim'd love being bandaged by her!"
"Because we're trying to put her off, that's why."
"Thanks!" Seeing that he was not going to get out of it, Jess nodded reluctantly. "But how are you goin' to get this picnic to happen?"
"I shall prepare the ground," Mrs. M assured them. "A young girl's mind is very susceptible to suggestion and Hope delights in surprise parties. She must think it is all her own idea. And, of course, on no account must Mr. Sherman be allowed to get so much as a hint of what is going on."
She fixed Jess with almost her old glare before she remembered he was now definitely on her side. Jess spread his hands in a disarming gesture and promised: "Not a word out of me!"
"We'll need to co-opt Andy too," Miss Eli put in.
"Yes, for the ants," Martha agreed. "Will he be willing to go along with our plan?"
"If it's got anything to do with animals," Jess grinned, "and I guess ants count. Besides, he'll want to get his own back for bein' called 'sweet'." This caused a disapproving 'tut-tut' from Martha, who had sons of the same age.
"And I expect he'll like keeping a secret," Miss Eli observed from long experience of schoolboys.
"I'll make sure he keeps quiet about it," Jess promised.
"Good!" Mrs. Mulholland resumed command. "Now, Jago, to set all this in motion, you are going to take Hope on another drive out the relay station …"