Chapter 2

April 11, 1997

Jesus fucking Christ was I mad yesterday. Look I didn't actually mean half that shit I wrote okay? I was pissed off. God damn did I have a bad day Thursday. I mean, a BAD FUCKING DAY. Mom Dad if you find this I am FINE okay? I just had a bad day and needed to vent. I did not mean any of that shit I wrote.

Okay they gone? ha ha. Tell me when they r gone.

You wanna know? [NAME REMOVED] motherfucking pissed me off. That's what happened. Actually middle school FUCKING MIDDLE SCHOOL is what happened but [NAME REMOVED] is the latest thing. He thinks he's so fuckin smart. Nice clothes, some gym muscles and he's on the football team, and everybody just thinks he's so cool. Fuck him. He slammed my hand in my locker door at gym class. It hurt so fuckin bad and I had to be at the nurse with ice on my hand the rest of the day so I missed class and gotta make up all this work.

He didn't even get in trouble. I told them what he did but he just said it was an accident and he didn't really mean to. He even came to the nurse to 'apologize' to me! I told him FUCK OFF buddy and then the nurse gets mad at ME! She tells me calm down and I almost got detention cause I got mad and started yelling. Shit my hand hurt. Well [NAME REMOVED] says he's sorry again but when the nurse has her back turned he smiles and flips me the bird. The fuckin BIRD. I told the nurse but he put his hand down and she didn't see anything and told me to calm down again. I wanted to kill her, then him.

I get spitballs thrown at the back of my head and if I turn around everybody acts all innocent. My English teacher leaves the room and I get curious about what my grade is and I go look at her open book. Didn't even think about it. Whole class saw me. Well she comes back and I'm sitting down and [NAME REMOVED] puts up her hand and says, "[NAME REMOVED]? Andre was looking at your grade book while you were out of the classroom." This girl's so pretty and everyone likes her, no wonder she's dating HIM and not me. The bitch. Well teacher says she didn't see it so she's letting it go but she glares at me and says I better be GLAD she didn't see it. Fucking whore with a nice ass and tits rats me out. She snitched. Whatever happened to "snitches get stitches"? HUH? Guess it's okay when he's a fucking loser like Andre Kriegman, nobody likes HIM, go ahead and snitch on HIM. He's nothing. He's nobody. Fuck him.

WHAT is it about these jocks and rich kids that everybody just likes them better? What makes them so great huh? Any stupid fuck can throw a football and lift weights. Anybody can do that. Did that get us to the moon or something? Fuck it I'm done with middle school.

Well, almost. It's April and I am almost out of here, got about a month and a half or something like that I am NOT a FUCKING calendar okay. God the weather is at least getting better. I can see the girls all wearing shorts and t-shirts right now. We've got some nice pieces of tail at this school if you know what I mean. I jacked off thinking about a couple today, like [NAME REMOVED] and [NAME REMOVED] and [NAME REMOVED]. I'd fucking kill somebody to have them over for a threesome. I'm in 8th grade but I first jerked off last year okay? I'm fucking ready to go. Let's DO THIS girls.

And as long as I'm dreaming I'd like to fit in. No chance huh? Forget it, Andre. Yeah. I THOUGHT so. Whatever.

One day I want to be more than this. I do NOT think Andre Kriegman was meant to be some skinny loser with just about no friends. If I was never meant to BE anybody why am I so smart? Why can I tell everyone around me is so FUCKIN STUPID and immature and worthless? And WHY do I want to be one of them? God I'd take [NAME REMOVED]'s muscles, looks, social status, nice clothes, rich parents in a second. I'd do it in a second. Am I just another conforming piece of shit just like them? I mean am I really that different if I want to be one of them?

Maybe its supposed to be like this. Maybe I'm meant to be different.

I wish being different didn't mean hating my life this much. People say they value it when u r different but they really don't I mean just look at ME. I'm different. Do they value me? NO. Forget it. No chance. No way. Noooooo. Anything but let that kid ANDRE come along, nobody likes HIM. I dunno man I'm in fucking 8th grade. Nobody gets me I swear. Some days I hate everyone and everything and I kind of like it. I feel powerful when I hate. I feel like I amount to something. I like it. But some days I actually feel good and I think maybe I shouldn't be so PISSED all the time. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. But I've been a lot angrier a LOT more since I started middle school and that is just the way it is.

Writing this shit kind of helps me. I mean I don't wanna fucking TALK to anybody about this shit and it would probably get me sent to some fuckin quack doctor anyway. So this will be our little secret okay Spiral Notebook? Okay. I can't wait for the summer. I hate middle school. Actually I just hate school. MAN am I glad it is Friday. Another week in my sentence over.

I love playing DOOM though. Came out when I was twelve, what was it 1993? Yeah. Anyway I've been killing the SHIT out of fucking Hell's demons since then and DAMN DO I LOVE IT. Ha ha. It's fun as fuck to just watch them rushing at me too stupid to know I'm gonna fucking kill them all. YEAH MAN. I'm gonna play some Doom and jerk off to the mag that [NAME REMOVED] sold me for ten bucks last month. He's a cool guy but I can't really trust him with the serious shit. Okay well I'm done for today. Later fuckers.

A/N: You will notice that I have the names of Andre's classmates, teachers, and friend censored; this is in imitation of the censoring of all people mentioned by name in Eric Harris' journal. It also saves me the trouble of fabricating names of characters who, ultimately, don't really matter. I think I will include Rachel's name and maybe Brad Huff though, overlooking the censored names thing a bit for the purposes of the story.

A word on the first chapter. I made a mistake basing it so closely on an entry in Eric's journal in 1998. He started that journal a year before his death, and by that time he had either made the beginnings of the plan with Dylan Klebold or he had, at any rate, become fixated on a violent revenge fantasy and was willing to carry it out. Point being, Eric started his journal in 11th grade, while I have Andre starting his at the end of 8th. Big difference. At this point Andre has not even met Calvin Gabriel yet. Now, could he have been as angry as he is in Chapter 1 in 1997? I think so. But I would rather show a progression of Andre's mind and emotions down a darker and darker path than show him being mad as hell from beginning to end.

I think that if Andre kept a journal between 11th and 12th grade, it would be extremely violent and filled with rage. But in 8th grade? Angry and violent, probably, but maybe not as much. I think it would both be more interesting story telling if Andre progressed down this path leading him to Zero Day, and more plausible. I actually do think that is more how it would have happened for someone like Andre. Nevertheless his thoughts are different than Calvin's and will continue to be. Calvin is calmer outwardly, concealing his anger and suppressing it beneath his very real confusion about life, his place in it, and his struggles with depression. Andre also feels like he doesn't belong and has his own problems with depression, but he is less poetic and outwardly calm. Untended and untreated, Andre's anger grows as he gets better and better at hiding it from anyone who could help or change him. I will try to show in this story that Andre is on a JOURNEY to Zero Day, not fulfilling the destiny he was born with. I believe Andre got the way he became over time and hope to show that in this journal.