Hi, hi ! No, I haven't gotten abducted by aliens or something, just had a rough time getting my creativity to show its pretty face. However, I was just hit with inspiration, so you get another chapter .

The show, characters and song (both the original version and the translation) aren't mine, I am just taking my creative freedom and using it.

Also, un-betaed, all faults are mine and mine only !

Another thing, I have taken quite a few creative liberties regarding Dean's demon-days. Hope none of you mind.

Cross-posted on AO3

Thanks to SB- Potterhead Budgie Lover, suicidalunicorn97 for reviewing and all 5 of you who have followed/favorited this fic. Huge thanks to all those who have read the previous chapter, hopefully you will like this one too.

Ping !

If phones hadn't been as costly as they were, then Dean would have surely thrown his phone across the room and into the opposite wall the moment his phone had pinged with the arrival of another message from Crowley. However, phones were costly, so Dean settled for throwing it onto the bed. The first time he had received a message from Crowley, Dean had been surprised, but he hadn't paid it much thought . The second time he had gotten a message, two nights previous to this one, he had listened to the message, and the next day, had forgotten about it. Tonight, the third message had come, and Dean was not in the mood to deal with Crowley . Besides, even if Dean were interested in these messages, which he wasn't, he wouldn't be able to make head or tail of them, seeing that the words made no sense . Of course, Crowley seemed to be quite inebriated, so Dean assumed that the words weren't supposed to have a meaning . Still, try how he might Dean could not ignore them .

Even tonight, when Dean was in this much of a bad mood, even when his mind was such a mixture of hurt, and anger, even when he felt as if he wanted to wrench his own heart out and die, he still felt like listening to the message. Sure, he was irritated because of it, and why wouldn't he be, but he did want to listen to it, rather than deleting the message. Or was he feeling like this because of his current state. Was his mind trying to escape from its current predicament by plunging into memories that were still too fresh ? Was he seeking refuge in that particular place ? If that were the case, then he wouldn't be surprised, he had already come to realize that he had felt good and...and alive...during those days. No, it wasn't as much of a realization as it was acceptance. He had known that those days had felt good, he had only been too ashamed to accept that at first . However, as days went by, and the atmosphere inside the bunker grew tenser with every passing second, Dean had finally admitted to himself that yes, he had felt good during his demon-phase, and no, he won't deny that.

And why will he deny having enjoyed those days ? At least then, there hadn't been any emotion in him during those days ! He hadn't felt any guilt for his ways, he hadn't been hurt by arguments with his baby brother, he hadn't been angry...Okay, so he had been angry, but that anger wasn't this! That anger was ever-present within him, always burning like a flame inside of him, always ready to bubble out and escape the confines of his body and cool down after bathing in blood, either someone else's, or his own...That anger had been fueled by outside interference, be it a handful of words or a menacing look, or any other thing, but it had always been there, and that anger didn't mean anything! That anger had been a part of him, and therefore, he had become habituated with it, he hadn't felt that anger like this...But most of all, that anger was easy to dissipate, regardless of whether the cause of the sudden out pour had been dealt with or not. This anger, that he now felt, this anger was ignited inside of him like a spark, and then burned its way through his insides, absolutely refusing to go away until something had been done about the thing that had angered him. More of all, he had to deal with things, and not quell his anger by taking it out on any living being surrounding him . So yes, the anger from those days and the anger from these days are way different, no doubts there.

Another thing that makes him almost wish for his black-eyed days is guilt . Guilt, which has been eating at him for the past few days,guilt over his actions as a demon. Be it a nightmare depicting his time as a demon or the glint of a kitchen knife that make various scenes flash before his eyes, the guilt always comes after . The guilt follows him, extending its hands and sinks its claws into his heart, twisting and turning his insides with its cold hands...It isn't just the brutal fights that bring out the guilt, no. He also feels guilty for how he had behaved during that phase. The numerous persons he had interacted with during that time, and the way he had treated them makes him feel enough guilty to go and drown himself in alcohol, which he does. Still, even as the alcohol numbs the burning heat of shame and chillness of the guilt, the memories remain . Memories such as the ones of him and Anne Marie and the look in those blue eyes, when he had thrown those cruel and insulting words at her...memories of the time when he had shrugged off Cole's threat of hurting Sam...the time he, Dean, himself had engaged in a cat-and-mouse game with Sam, hammer in hand...the time when Dean had sprouted out venomous words in an attempt to sabotage Sam's plan of curing Dean of his demon-stage...Yes, even if he does his best, the memories remain intact, only to crop up from time to time and douse him in shame and guilt.

As for the hurt that hits him like a wave every time he has an argument with Sam, well that had always been one thing he could have done well without. Especially now, after coming back to being human. Ironically, or maybe it was because of the famous 'Winchester Luck', recently, the brothers have been getting into more fights than usual. The bunker wasn't doing their situation any good either. Filled with tension thick enough to be cut through with saw-blade, the atmosphere only helped to increase the frequency of the arguments. Even the smallest of issues was blown out of proportion, and in most cases, both of the brother had stormed off in different directions, Sam towards the library, and Dean towards his room .

So yes, all of these were things that Dean hadn't missed during those demon-days, and yes, he did wish to lose the ability to feel from time to time, and yes, he knew full well that he couldn't, should not, get back to that stage. And that is why, Dean still hadn't been able to ignore Crowley's messages, for the red-eyed demon is Dean's only connection to the days in which he seeks refuge from his current predicaments, without the constant reminder of his bloody, cruel acts . In fact, in a strange, twisted way, Crowley is the person in whom Dean seeks refuge from his troubles. And that is why, after the initial moments of irritation had passed, Dean picked up his phone, and pressed the button to listen to Crowley's message.

...extinguish that night...

Like the previous ones, this too was said in a slurred manner, and most of the words were uttered in such a low volume that Dean couldn't make them out. Not that it mattered, for even if he had caught all the words, Dean was pretty sure that he wouldn't have been able to get their meaning. Still, the words had served their purpose, at least for Dean, pulling him into the memories of his past that he just can't leave behind.

Done. The next one will come shortly, I have a brief outline made in my mind, just have to write it down.
Until the next one, then. Do leave a comment if you have the time, will make my day.