Um, yeah, I said two weeks, but then I couldn't stop writing...

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

The Most Surprising Shinobi

Uchihas were never taken by surprise because they were always aware and in control of their surroundings. Uchihas were never in a position of discomfort because they were secure in the knowledge that their bloodline was superior and thus the doings of inferior creatures could have no ill effect on them. Uchihas were never uncertain or confused as to their course of actions because ultimately they would act in the best interest of their clan.

Uchiha Sasuke tried to remember these teachings. In fact, he recited them over and over in his head like a mantra to maintain the characteristic calm of his family. However, the fact of the matter was that Sasuke was continually surprised to the point of shock, was distinctly uncomfortable and had been all night, and was so uncertain and confused that he didn't know which way to look.

The one place he wanted to avoid looking was the one place to which his eyes were constantly drawn. It was a particular spot slightly ahead of him and to his left, where a mop of sunshine blonde hair bounced with each step.

Naruto was in a henge. A henge of himself, of the young man he was a day ago, of the young man she was a day ago. It was a very realistic henge. Not a whisker nor a hair was out of place, and that stupid grin was plastered on her face as usual. It would be so easy to believe that the past ten hours were nothing but a nightmare. Perhaps that was why Sasuke had begun to fear for his sanity.

He didn't understand how that darn Nara had the most unconcerned and disinterested expression, as though he had noted the change, accepted it, and moved on. As though it were no different from learning that your favorite pair of black pants were actually navy blue. Troublesome, but just another piece of information.

Truthfully, for Shikamaru, the idea of Naruto being a girl was much less alarming than thinking the two boys wanted him for a threesome.

On her part, Naruto was alternating between extreme apprehension and an unyielding hope that someone would come along and tell her that everything was one big joke.

So, with conflicting emotions, the trio made its way to Hokage Tower while people called out to Naruto, wishing her a happy birthday. She was now their hero rather than their pariah, so the civilians actually cared about such things. Naruto had a smile and a wave for everyone, and she was careful to hide her anxiety from them. But the pasted smile slipped from her face the moment they passed through the door to the Tower.

Tsunade's young secretary informed them that the Hokage was busy with paperwork, but she still let them pass, sending a playful wink towards Naruto. Yesterday, Naruto would have grinned widely and bragged to his friends about being popular with the ladies. Today, her lips twisted feebly, unsure if the wink was something she should be proud of anymore.

When the door to the Hokage's office came into view, Naruto stopped with a frozen look on her face, sensing an extra chakra signature in the room. In that brief moment, she channeled natural energy, and the characteristic orange shading around her eyes appeared and disappeared in seconds. "No way. Kakashi-sensei's in there! There's no way I'm -"

"Kakashi was the Yondaime's student," Shikamaru argued. "If anyone knows something, he does, and since he's back in ANBU, you might not get another chance to ask him for a while."

Naruto sometimes wished Shikamaru didn't make so much damn sense. Mentally groaning, she pushed open the door to the Hokage's office.

Two heads turned toward the trio. "Ah, Naruto," said Tsunade. She wore a worried look that Naruto was just about to question when -

"Naruto has something to tell you," said Shikamaru abruptly.

"Very well," she said, eyeing the three young men curiously. They were all acting a bit odd.

"Kakashi-sensei, can you stay please?" Naruto asked quietly as the Copy-Nin turned to leave.

Now, a quiet, polite Naruto was just not normal, so the silver-haired shinobi took a long look at his student. Without warning, Kakashi leaped between Tsunade and the trio, readying himself in a fighting stance. "Who are you?" he demanded. Two eyes blazed red as the Copy-Nin activated his twin Sharingan - compliments of the late Uchiha Obito.

"Hold it!" yelled Naruto, waving her hands. "It's really me, dattebayo!"

"Yeah. It's troublesome, but this really is Naruto."

Sasuke activated his own Sharingan. "We are all who we appear to be."

The Sharingan could never be copied, and Kakashi was certain it wasn't a genjutsu, which left only one question. "Naruto," said Kakashi, "why are you in a henge?"

"Heh heh," she grinned uncomfortably, scratching her cheek. "That's the question, isn't it?"

"Enough of this!" yelled Tsunade. "What's going on? Naruto, explain."

The door to the Hokage's office opened suddenly. "Shishou, I - oh, gomenasai," said Sakura, eyeing the tense positions of her teammates. "I thought Tsunade-shishou was alone."

"It's alright, Sakura. Naruto was just about to tell us something interesting." Tsunade's tone implied that she expected the interruption to be worth it.

"I can't!" wailed Naruto. "Not with Sakura here!"

Emerald eyes narrowed at the panicked expression on Naruto's face. "I'm a part of Team Seven, too! Whatever's going on, you will tell me, Uzumaki Naruto!"

"Just get it over with," muttered Shikamaru.

"No, I - I - dammnit. Can you call Sai, too?" asked Naruto resignedly. "He's also a member of Team Seven." Naruto felt more than saw the barely imperceptible shadowing of Sasuke's aura. The two dark-haired shinobis did not get along. When Sasuke had first returned, Naruto had made the mistake of thinking that, since they were so much alike, they might hit it off. How wrong she was. Naruto couldn't remember ever being so uncomfortable at her favorite ramen stand as she was that night.

"Sai is on a mission," said Tsunade shortly.

The chilled atmosphere warmed, and Naruto didn't have to look at Sasuke to know that he was wearing a smirk. The avenger and Sai had developed a rivalry of sorts but without the undertone of friendship present in Sasuke and Naruto's rivalry. No, the two boys, Sasuke in particular, enjoyed being one up.

Naruto frowned. She would have to go see Sai as soon as he got back; it wasn't right for him to be the only one left out.

"Naruto!" Tsunade slammed a thankfully-not-chakra-enhanced fist on her brand new desk to get his attention. "I have important matters to attend to! Get on with it!"

"Um, well, the thing is -" She trailed off. Kami, just how do you explain something like this?! "Well, so today is my eighteenth birthday, right?"

"Right." Did the boy want to ask for a birthday present? Surely he wouldn't be this nervous asking for something so simple. "Happy birthday, Naruto."

"Uh, thanks." Naruto glanced at Sasuke, something not lost on Tsunade or Kakashi.

My god, thought Tsunade. His eighteenth birthday. He is a legal adult now. Does that mean he and the Uchiha - but then, why is Shikamaru here?

Yipee! thought a delighted Kakashi. Now I'll have prime material for my Icha Icha yaoi edition! Authorship of the series had passed to him after Jiraiya's death at the Toad Sage's express wish. But wait. That doesn't explain the henge.

"Um, so you know these attacks I've been having?"

Tsunade and Kakashi straightened, all ecchi thoughts suddenly forgotten, while Sakura narrowed her eyes in worry.

"Well, see, I found this seal on my body. It was created by the Yondaime -" And off Naruto went with her story. Once she started, she wasn't able to stop, even when the faces of the Hokage and her sensei darkened with worry and anger. She told them how the attacks had been progressing, about her clones' research, when she realized the seal was using natural energy -

Tsunade was unable to keep silent any longer. "YOU FOUND A SEAL ON YOUR BODY THAT USED NATURAL ENERGY FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT PURPOSE AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ANYBODY?!"

"That's what I said," murmured Sasuke, so softly that no one but Shikamaru heard.

"Naruto! We can't know it was your father's work! We must take you to -"

"It was the Yondaime's seal! Geezer-Sage said so!"

Tsunade halted her rant. Fukasaku-dono was knowledgeable and wise, and more importantly, he had trained her predecessor for some time. If he believed the seal to be the Yondaime's, then it almost certainly was. "Hah," she sighed in exasperation. "Fine, but we should still take you to see a sealmaster -"

"Today is my eighteenth birthday," she repeated. "The seal had a time limit. It's gone."

Tsunade's eyes widened. "Then, what was it for? Have you noticed any differences?"

"Ah, yeah. That's just it." Naruto's anxiety was back in full force, and both Tsunade and Kakashi felt it like a physical blow. "Um -" she hesitated.

"Just do it," said Sasuke in false boredom.

Naruto nodded and lifted her hands to release the henge. "Um, so, it looks like I'm a girl," she said with an awkward grin.

The Hokage and Kakashi's faces were almost mirror images in their shock. Sakura outright shrieked. Where the vibrant young man they had known for years had stood was a young woman with long blonde hair worn loose at her sides. She was small, shorter than Sakura, but not quite petite. Her face was narrower, her chin less rounded, but her eyes were the same deep cerulean, piercing them with an expression that willed them to believe her.

It was Shikamaru's presence that convinced them that they weren't being pranked. He would find it too troublesome, especially on the day after his mission, and he was looking at them steadily, his eyes telling them what his mouth was too lazy to say.

"My god," breathed Tsunade.

"N-naruto?" asked Sakura uncertainly, stepping towards the girl.

"You've always been the Number One Most Surprising Shinobi," said Kakashi with smiling eyes.

"That's all you have to say?" roared the suddenly animated Naruto.

"Well -"

"You were the student of the Yondaime, so you must know something about this! I want an explanation!"

"Um," said Kakashi, rifling through distant memories, "There was a rumor going around that sensei was having a girl."

"So you knew!" she accused hotly.

"No, Minato-sensei told me that Kushina-san was pregnant and that they had decided to let your gender be a surprise."

"Then what about this rumor?"

"Just the normal gossip of nosy women."

"I'm surprised the villagers were told at all," drawled the lazy Shikamaru. "Seems like a tactical error, considering the Yondaime's enemies."

"Well, people tried to keep it quiet, but it's hard to miss when the Hokage's wife is pregnant, especially with Kushina-san escaping her ANBU guards to go for ramen." Kakashi said this a bit sorely, leaving the other shinobis with the distinct impression that he had been one of those guards.

Sakura laughed nervously. "At least we know where he - um, whoops, she - gets it."

"Yes, Naruto has always been very much like his - er, her -"

"What else, Hatake?" interrupted Naruto irately. "I want to know absolutely everything you know."

"That would take quite some -"

"Kakashi-sensei!"

The silver-haired shinobi raised up his hands in defeat. "I really don't know anything but what Minato-sensei told me, and he said that they didn't know if you were a boy or a girl. He did start acting a bit...strange after the Tanabata festival that year though."

"Strange how?"

"Er, you could almost say he was broody. Sometimes he would stare off into space, and he had this - this look on his face, like he was worried or calculating but always determined. I asked Kushina-san about him, and she got this annoyed but half amused expression. I assumed they'd had another fight."

Naruto was alarmed. "Did they fight a lot?"

"Not in a bad way," he assured Naruto, trying not to snicker. "Just - well, let's just say that Kushina-san had severe mood swings while she was pregnant. She was something of a terror."

It was Tsunade's turn to grin. "I was in Minato's office once discussing med-nin training regimen, and Kushina stormed in yelling about paint and good-for-nothing husbands. You should have seen the look in Minato's eyes!" Tsunade outright laughed. "Seems he had used Hiraishin to escape her when she was in temper. That girl was good for Minato. Kept him on his toes," she added fondly.

"That must have been when they were deciding the color for Naruto's room," said Kakashi with a smile. "I helped paint it."

Normally, Naruto would love hearing stories about her parents, but today, she was on a mission. "Anything else?" she asked her sensei.

Kakashi sobered. "After the Kyuubi attack, I asked about you. The Sandaime just handed me your birth certificate. Stillborn female, it said. I didn't think to question it. Of course, when I first saw Naruto years later, I knew he was sensei's son. I assumed the Sandaime wanted people to believe the child was a girl as additional protection for Naruto."

Naruto turned a hopeful gaze to the Hokage, but the older woman shook her head. "My predecessor said nothing about this. He left no letter or explanation."

The blonde slumped, and her blue-eyes turned downwards in growing despair. If she just knew, if there were some logical explanation for this madness, then maybe - just maybe - she would be able to accept this life-altering change.

Sensing her mood, Kakashi stepped towards the downcast girl and lifted her chin with his hand. Serious dark eyes studied the face of their student. "You look even more like Minato-sensei now," he commented softly. "As a boy, you had your mother's features, but these are definitely sensei's chin and nose."

"So you're saying I look like a boy?" she tried to laugh. How ironic.

"Not at all. In fact, you are quite pretty."

Naruto flushed, not quite sure how to feel about the compliment. As a boy, Naruto's first instinct would have been to slap away Kakashi's hand and exclaim angrily. But Naruto was a girl now, so she should be happy not to be ugly. Right? Kami, what exactly was she supposed to feel anymore?

"Though I'm guessing you still have your mother's personality?" Kakashi added.

Naruto's lips turned upwards in a small smile. "Damn right, I do. Dattebayo!"

"Then it's nice to meet you, Naruto-chan." Kakashi ruffled her hair and stepped away with smiling eyes, satisfied that his student would adapt in time.

"The files," Shikamaru reminded Naruto with a pointed cough.

"Right, the files!" she exclaimed, suddenly excited again. "Obaa-chan, can we see any super secret stuff that the Yondaime wrote? Or that oji-san wrote after I was born? There might be something -"

"Naruto, I have read everything - and I do mean everything - to do with you and the Kyuubi all the way back to the Shodai Hokage's notes about his wife, my grandmother, when she was the jinchuriki. I promise you that there isn't the slightest mention of any possible Kyuubi-related reason for the Yondaime to turn you into a boy. Except -" Her brows knitted in concentration "- the only time the seal would be weakened is during childbirth, but he gave the seal a time limit. He can't possibly have thought you would give birth before you were eighteen -" She trailed off in renewed confusion.

Kakashi agreed, "That doesn't make sense, and it doesn't sound like something sensei would do."

"Then I'm back to square one. With nothing, absolutely nothing." Naruto agitatedly tugged on her long hair while the other shinobis watched, wishing they could give her an explanation.

Sakura tried to distract her. "So, um, Naruto. Why is your hair long?"

Five pairs of eyes stared at the pink-haired shinobi.

"What? I'm curious. I don't see why her hair would suddenly grow -"

"Probably because it was living seal," said Naruto, receiving blank looks in response. Only Kakashi and Tsunade knew what she meant. "A living seal takes into account the caster's will and modifies stuff based on that will. Most seals have just one use, like storing weapons or something, but a living seal can change over time according to the caster's intention. I'll bet the seal's final act was to use natural energy to make my hair grow. Just another small transformation." Naruto gave her hair a long look. "My dad loved my mom's hair. Maybe he thought mine would be pretty, too. My parents -" she mused softly before suddenly yelling, "Dammnit! I met them! My own freaking parents didn't tell me when I met them!"

"How would you have reacted if someone you'd never met before claimed to be your mother or father then told you that you were a girl?" Sakura reasoned.

"I - I would think they were insane."

"Exactly, and then you would probably attack them. Your parents had things to say to you and a limited time to do it. Of course, they wouldn't waste time telling you about - this."

Naruto muttered darkly, "Hardly a waste of time."

Tsunade cleared her throat. "I think we have to assume that the seal was merely another method of protecting you. Unless he had some personal reason -" She paused and considered her words. "Personal," she mused.

"What is it, obaa-chan?"

The Slug Princess glanced over the shinobis before her sharp gaze settled on the Uchiha. It's not an S-rank secret or anything, just something I'd prefer the Uchiha didn't - No! Dammnit! I said I'd trust him. Even in light of recent events. "There is a room that few people, only some council members and elite shinobi, know about. We call it the Hovel."

"Doesn't sound like much," noted Shikamaru dryly.

"It contains many personal items, such as high-level jutsu scrolls and specialized weapons, of the previous Hokages. Items too precious or dangerous to be entrusted to rank shinobis." She smiled at how round Naruto's eyes had become, as though she'd struck gold. "The Monkey summoning scroll, which I have to remember to give to Konohamaru soon, and the Adamantine Staff are two of the Sandaime's possessions that he left in the care of his successor. The Yondaime had a stash as well, just a small one, mind you. Don't get too hopeful, but who knows? It's possible there will be an explanation there."

Naruto wore a dreamlike expression, just imagining the awesome jutsus her dad must have left. "Well, what are we waiting for?!"

"We aren't going anywhere. You will proceed to the hospital -"

"What! No way! Not when -"

"The Hovel is enclosed in a powerful seal created by the Shodai and perfected by the Yondaime. Anyone without the Hokage markings -" Tsunade patted her shoulder "- will be burnt to a crisp, sliced to ribbons, electrocuted, drowned, and buried under ten tons of rock. All at once."

Silence was a beautiful thing.

As usual, Naruto was the first to break it. "Still better than the hospital! I can't go there! Those med-nins will sense the henge -"

"It's not like you can hide it forever," said Sakura, who was finally wrapping her mind around Naruto's gender bender and coming to accept it.

Naruto was about to retort when an awestruck expression crossed her face. "Why didn't I think of it before? I can recreate the seal! Turn myself back into a boy!"

"Absolutely not," ordered the Hokage, silencing Naruto's protests with a glare. "Even if you managed to figure out how to make the seal, the fact is that you are a girl. Remaining as a boy any longer might have some negative effect on your health, and on that note, how are you feeling? Any strange aches or pains?"

"It's only been a few hours since I woke up, but no, I feel fine. Great even, except for this extra weight on my -"

Shikamaru cleared his throat. Naruto rolled her eyes. Sakura took a better look at Naruto's chest and was shocked and mildly displeased to see that it was larger than her own.

"Sakura, I want you to get another blood sample and cheek swab from Naruto. Did you freeze the cells from a week ago?"

"Hai, shishou."

"Genotype both samples."

"What's all this for, obaa-chan?"

"I want to know if the seal altered your very DNA or merely your outward appearance."

"Eh?"

"During development, girls and boys release different enzymes and hormones that direct the body's growth and also influence the mental state. In your case, you had every reason to believe you were a boy, so your conscious mind adopted the mannerisms and socially accepted roles of a boy. However, it's quite possible that your DNA and hormone levels were those of a girl, and thus your subconscious processes were always female. For your sake, I hope it's the latter. It will make your transition that much easier, but regardless, from a medical perspective, you are a fascinating case."

Naruto's skin had taken on a sickly sheen. "You sound like Orochimaru," she mumbled.

Tsunade blanched.

"Ah, gomenasai, obaa-chan," Naruto apologized hurriedly, though she thought the Hokage's reaction a bit extreme. "I don't really think you're like the snake bastard."

For a long moment, the Godaime looked like she wanted to say something, as though it were on the tip of her tongue and only indecision held it back.

Blue eyes narrowed. Obaa-chan was never one to hesitate. "What's going on?" Naruto demanded. "Is it whatever Kakashi-sensei was telling you before we came? I know it was! I could feel -"

"Orochimaru is alive."

Naruto stopped cold, and Sasuke's neutral expression deepened into a frown. Sakura gasped. Shikamaru catalogued the information away as though it were a rather foul move on the shogi board.

"I -" Naruto began, "I thought we killed him! After we took down Madara, the alliance went after him -"

"It might be impossible to kill him entirely," Sasuke interrupted. "The Cursed Seal of Heaven implants bits of his chakra into anyone who survives its application. All it would take is a shinobi who knew about the seal to revive -"

"As you did last time," Tsunade interrupted.

Sasuke clenched his jaw and nodded.

The Hokage gave him a hard look. "It seems that we didn't kill him in the slightest after the war. The Raikage believes we were fooled by a clever clone."

"Probably a snake that he genetically altered with his own DNA."

"Orochimaru is sure to attack Konoha. We will depend on your knowledge, Uchiha."

He nodded and said stiffly, "I have held nothing back."

Tsunade's cold stare softened imperceptibly. "Be that as it may, I'm afraid you will fall under further suspicion. You must remain within the borders of Konoha until -

"That's not fair!" yelled Naruto, unable to keep quiet. "He even killed -

"Naruto!" yelled Tsunade, slamming her fist on her new desk. "Do not let friendship blind you to the facts! Uchiha Sasuke abandoned his village and his friends to ally with Orochimaru. True, he killed the snake, but months later, Uchiha revived him and allied with him once again. For a brief period of time," she added.

"A really brief period!" shouted an enraged Naruto.

"The rest of the shinobi world will see it without your bias, and the situation gets worse."

"Worse?"

Tsunade exhaled forcefully. "Orochimaru has the Rinnegan."

... ... ...

" - so yeah, I'm a girl. I have boobs, and I can't go after the stupid snake because we don't bloody know where he is!"

That evening, Naruto stood before the toads of Mount Myoboku, whose expressions varied from outright shock to amusement, and told her tale beginning from the moment she had left them the previous day. Gamabunta's pipe had actually fallen from his mouth, but Geezer-Sage was hiding a smile behind one of his flippers.

"Oh and now everyone's going to hate Sasuke again because the stupid snake has the stupid Rinnegan, which as everyone knows is the final form of the stupid Sharingan, so of course Orochima-fucking-ru must have had help from a stupid Uchiha to get it!" Naruto's sides heaved.

"Er," said Gamabunta uncertainly, "maybe we should pass on the drinking until -"

"No way," snapped Naruto, blue eyes flashing, "Never in my life have I wanted to get more wasted than right now. Bring on the sake!"

Okay, so I hope I've set up the story to your liking and haven't been too redundant with the whole 'wtf, he's a girl!' thing. Next chapter will give an explanation for the gender bender, some MinatoXKushina, and some cool seal stuff. ^_^

Notes: (1.) Now that Kakashi has two Sharingan, he can deactivate them and return to having normal Uchiha black eyes. (2.) I have a logical idea as of manga chapter 606 for Orochimaru to obtain the Rinnegan. He's an old enemy, but I wanted him to have some new tricks.

Please review!