Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Bethesda Studios and I own nothing at all except for the OC and plot. There is no profit made at all, really.

Summary: A series of AU one-shots featuring the misadventures of Freyja and Alduin as they make their way through Skyrim. Basically fun, fluff and crack prompts which will never be featured in Dragonrend. Rated for heavy UST, compromising positions and scenarios, and possible smut.

Genre: Adventure/Humour

A/N: Okay, I admit. This is just shameless fun. Whatever. This first part is totally inspired by Smaug from The Hobbit. I loved the idea of dragons nesting and rolling around in hedonistic pleasure in their treasure troves and thought, "Hey, why not Skyrim too? Why not the Dragonborn?" And it was a chance to get Freyja naked with Alduin. I'm not sorry.

Having said this, I am inviting readers to hit me with their best prompts (Please don't PM me; leave the prompt in your review so that others can see it and not repeat prompts) . I cannot do anything hardcore or very dark, my Muse is just delicate that way. Having said that, the next part of this will have to do with pollen. Pollen that makes people, even dragons, want to make like rabbits. That floats the boat for the Muse. Or, if there were "what if?" questions for certain things in Dragonrend which you think can be explored here, let me know too. I don't guarantee that I can do every suggestion, but I will try my best to.

IMAGINE DRAGONS

I. The Smaug Effect

I had been expecting the smell of blood, dead bodies or the mangled, piteous remains of some poor soul that had been kept alive long enough only to feed the cannibalistic bandits that Alduin and I had just slaughtered. I killed them simply because eating one's own kind was...vile, to put it lightly. I'd wiped out Namira's followers at Reachcliff Cave for the same reason and I hadn't been about to spare the men who had ambushed Alduin, Shadowmere and I as we'd been picking our way down the steep and winding path. A small shudder coursed through me as I watched the great stone door recede and shake as it began to sink down into the ground. The bandit leader had crowed about enjoying me in other ways before finally eating me, at least until he realised that his men had chewed off more than they could handle. 'Bad pun fully intended,' I thought grimly, unable to fully shake the satisfaction I had felt when Alduin's blade had severed the man's head from his shoulders with such force that it had flown over the cliff's edge. I had intended to gut the bastard myself but ended up settling for finishing off four of his men while Alduin ended the other three.

The hidden room was utterly dark; the weak glow from the campfire we had set up barely licked the edges of the shadows. Seeing an unlit sconce next to me, I stepped into the blackness, fingers ablaze with a gentle flame which I touched to the wick. A low, rich golden glow spread through the room; something glittered brightly, reminiscent of the pure white stars and blue streaks of fire that occasionally blazed through the night skies. I froze. Barely breathing, I lit a second sconce. And my mouth watered. To think I had almost failed to notice this place thanks to the clever concealment of the chain behind some hanging moss. Now I realised why the bandits had taken such pains to keep it hidden.

Gold. Lots and lots and lots of gold. A huge shiny mound of it piled right smack in the middle of the room with scattered piles of septims all around. It looked like a golden pool, shimmering with seductive lustre, bathed in the rosy glow of the sconces. There was the musical clink of coins crunching beneath my boots as I stepped back, groping blindly for the chain to seal the door once again. Instinct demanded it of me and I was far too overwhelmed with fascinated hunger to question why. And as though to tempt me further, there were rich gems scattered here and there, sapphires with their deep serene blue hues, fiery rubies that seemed to draw the light into their very centres and delicious emeralds the colour of deep green summer leaves.

There was no denying that I adored treasure. As much as I disliked underground crypts and caves, I went in because there was either a job to finish, a clue to gain or a Word Wall that beckoned. It also helped a great deal that the draugr I battled dropped the occasionally gem and more frequently, and for reasons yet explained, usually had a few septims on them. Dusty, yes, but still gold and dear to my heart. Whether it was my dragon soul or the weakness of my mortal flesh was an issue I had long consigned to the back of my mind.

A quick glance at the entrance confirmed that it was sealed shut. I licked my dry lips, felt the quick excited flutter of my heart against my ribs. There had been something I had always wanted to do, some inexplicable desire that had manifested itself several times in my dreams. But there had never been a time, or a place, and the chests in Breezehome, though stuffed full of enchanted weapons, heavy coin purses and precious gems, had remained untouched by me because Lydia was always at home when I was and I could possibly empty out their contents on my bed which I was half-sure would break beneath the weight.

"Just a few minutes," I muttered, teeth pulled at my bottom lip, worrying it as I hovered at the crossroads of indecision. "Alduin takes forever to catch dinner anyway." He was a decent shot, far better than I was, but he was terribly fussy for a god. I had lost count of the times when he had rejected an elk or goat we were stalking because it was either too old, or too lean, or gods help me, too dirty. Eventually though, having to struggle with a mortal belly which made its needs loudly heard forced him to be somewhat less picky. Still, he usually took more than an hour to bring home the proverbial bacon. Shadowmere was standing guard at the entrance of the cave. The coast was absolutely clear for me to indulge myself.

'Just this once.' The decision was barely made when I began tearing at my armour, fingers fumbling in my haste as I unstrapped the buckles, unfastened the clasps, shrugging the warm leather from my skin before I kicked my boots off, sending one flying several feet away. My sword belt and Daedric blade I dropped in an unceremonious heap on the ground. I was sure I had ripped a seam or two in my undershirt and breeches as I yanked them off. Some part of me realised I was trembling a little with my need, with my greed, the rest of me pretty much didn't give a damn, only hesitating when it came to my smalls which I removed after a second glance and a few interminable moments of listening confirmed there was no movement outside.

With a muffled whoop of joy, I dove into the glistening pile of treasure. It bruised a little, for I had none of the hard scales of a Dovah, nor skin that could withstand steel. It was even a little cold. But the discomfort was nothing compared to the smooth caress of the septims as they slithered over my naked skin, to the shifting volumes of gold as I burrowed deeper, feeling them press into my flesh, fill the space I made as I rolled and stretched languorously, the intoxicating smell of wealth flooding my nostrils, seeping into my skin. I laughed softly as I lifted my hands, saw streams of gold flood from between my fingers. It was the closest to drunk that I had been to in a long, long time. So this was what the books meant, I thought giddily, my cheek pillowed on a gold ingot as I admired the sapphires and diamonds strewn in my hair. This was why dragons secreted their treasure away and guarded it with their lives.

I was so absorbed in the moment and my own pleasure that I didn't hear the stone door moving until it was too late. To my shame, I shrieked, sweeping my arms wildly towards my body to cover it, half-burying myself beneath a sliding wave of septims. Sithis and damnation, this would happen to me, a distant part of my mind cursed furiously. The rest of me though, was covered in a furious hot blush as I stared at the tall dark god standing in the entrance.

"Alduin, get out." Fierce and commanding was what I had been aiming for. Instead, I sounded half-strangled. No wonder that he stepped right in, golden eyes boring into mine, his face an almost impassive mask betrayed only by the tight clench of his firm jaw. Without taking his eyes from me, he reached out and tugged on the chain, the one that was meant to reactivate the hidden door. It was then that I realised how much trouble I was in.

"Are you deaf?" I demanded, ignoring the way my voice rose in pitch, fighting the sudden pit that had opened in my belly which threatened to take my heart along with it. Then, to my utter shock, Alduin slowly began pulling at the tie of one of his gauntlets. It hit the floor with a sound like thunder. My mouth went dry. Suddenly, there wasn't enough air in the room.

It had been the moaning that had given her away, the soft audible sighs of deep pleasure that had rippled through his skin with all the fierce fineness of a keen blade. Through the stonewalls he could hear her and she made his blood boil the way only she could. Ignoring the deer carcass at his feet, Alduin headed to the far corner of the cave, guided by instinct, by smell, by the sound of Freyja. He found the chain, exposed completely, a tangle of moss lying in a heap below it. For a moment, he hesitated. Matters between him and the Dovahkiin were complicated, to say the least. They were making their steady way to High Hrothgar, albeit with some delays thanks to the numerous folk who constantly plied Freyja with requests that she should have rejected, and a Daedric lord or two who had seen fit to interfere with the Dragonborn. And through it all, Alduin had been dragged along, unable to leave her and head for the Monahven himself because he needed to see that the soft-hearted fool who fought with the ferocity of a Dovah got herself to High Hrothgar in one piece. He needed her to change him back, to undo the wretched Thu'um she had bound him with.

He used to dream about killing her. Another low groan from behind the stone door wafted to his ears and Alduin shuddered, feeling the rise and hardening of his prison of flesh. Now, he dreamt very different dreams that had a habit of surfacing when there was nothing to do but watch her as they walked the wilds of Skyrim. They made him notice the starlight in her hair, the way the sun warmed her face and flushed her pale skin an appealing pink. The dreams were rubbing away at the corners of the fact that she was his archenemy, a baffling and abnormal mix of dragon and human. They were making it impossible for him to keep seeing her only in that light. If he had to be entirely honest though, that latter fact had occurred even before the dreams. It was the weakness of this mortal flesh, he thought furiously, grasping the handle of the chain so tightly that his hand ached. But the strength of desire with which he coveted her could only come from a Dovah. He pulled on the chain.

There was a muffled shriek, a wave of gold that covered the bare flesh he had caught a tantalising glimpse of, and wide blue eyes that held his captive. Under his gaze, a furious blush spread over Freyja's skin, beginning at her bare shoulders, staining her neck and cheeks. She tried sliding her legs further down, covering them with fat gold coins. She was angry and panicked. She looked indescribably delicious because he knew she was naked underneath all that gold. She also looked like prey. Instinct roared through his blood, ungoverned and unquestioned. Her hoarse demand that he get out hardly registered. Without a second thought Alduin jerked on the chain within the room, sealing it.

"Are you deaf?"

She started to sit up before sinking back down quickly. He could smell her adrenaline; her scent mingled thickly with the gold and jewels became a heady combination that made his head swim, that heated the very marrow in his bones. Her eyes widened further when he began unfastening his gauntlet. He heard an audible gulp from her as it dropped to the floor, a sharp intake of breath that pulled at him across the distance between them as he worked at the second one.

"W-what are you...doing?"

Somehow, he managed enough self-control to arch a brow at her. "Do you really need me to tell you that, Freyja?" His usual biting sarcasm was missing, reduced to a rough huskiness that reminded him of the low throaty growls and roars his kind issued just before and during mating.

She turned even pinker, closed her eyes briefly as he continued to remove his armour, leaving the pieces next to hers on the ground. "Okay, okay. If you want to...ahm...to roll in the gold as well, go ahead. Even though I found it first," she added, eyes flashing blue fire. "Just let me up."

His response was to unclasp the last buckle of his cuirass and very deliberately let it drop from his hands.

"Please?"

He chuckled, hands going to his waist. "And what if I want all the treasure?" he teased.

She actually growled before cutting off the sound abruptly, looking somewhat shocked. "That's not very fair," she said, making a very valiant effort to keep her voice steady as he shucked off the last pieces of his armour and boots. Briefly, he considered removing the rest of his clothing before deciding against it. Finding Freyja rolling and nestled in a pile of gold like any normal Dovah had been an eye-opener in more ways than one. Apparently her Dovah Sos and Sil ran stronger than he suspected. And with dragons, you never cornered one unless you wanted a vicious fight on your hands.

"You can have half," she conceded, "since we did handle those bandits together." He started to walk forward and her façade of calm broke. "Two thirds," she offered hastily, trying her best to squirm backwards through the heavy gold weighing her down without exposing herself. "And that includes the jewels," she threw out as a last desperate measure as he took his first few steps atop the small mountain of gold and started making his way towards her. "What in Oblivion is the matter with you? It's a good deal!"

Of course it was a good deal. Her problem was that he wanted to have everything. And he intended to start with her.