"I will do whatever you command, I will be your slave, your thing; you may treat me as you please, but do not reject me. I shall be lost, I cannot live without you"

(Venus in Furs by Leopold von Sacher-Masoch)

April was utterly mesmerized by the skillful hypnotizing movements of dancing muscles under the glow of last rays of light - the imponderable strokes of green upon the white surface of clean fresh snow.

The training, taking place in the snow-piled yard was a sight taking April back to the first time she ever saw the turtles in action. Making a mental note that until this very moment she didn't even realize how much she missed this, April wrapped herself tighter into the tartan blanket she brought with her from the living room. A steaming mug of tea between her palms kept her thoroughly warm and cozy in the late winter afternoon, the aroma of Leo's perfect tea-brew making her semi-day-dreaming even more fairy-tale-like.

She sat musing, unable to take her gaze away from him - memories of her past life streaming through her mind, harmonizing with the occurrences in front of her eyes, creating a new collage of pleasurable, nostalgic, painful, heart-rending, aching and overall homely feelings.

She was home. That's what home felt like... She completely forgot!

She focused her eyes on Raphael's body: how he was throwing himself onto his brothers, the cries he produced when he attacked, his style and strategic choices of combat - all so familiar, all so very personal. She couldn't help but smile nostalgically observing the sweep of his hand, the strength of his throw, the range of his jump. That rage and that hunger in his eyes. She really missed that... His desire, just so very desperate, wild even!

All of a sudden, for the very first time a curious fact occurred to her: Raphael's fighting technique unmistakably reminded her of the way he... Yeah... The thought bewildered her, turning the training session before her eyes into some seductive dance, setting all her body on fire. Scenes from their tryst this morning kept running through her mind, sending electrifying chills down her spine, pictures kept popping up in her memory. She could still feel his rough touch: the grip of his freakishly-strong hands and the nip of his teeth on her skin, so violent and at the same time so loving.

Was he even aware of her watching his every move, keeping track of every inch of his body? April bit her lip and tried to calm her raging longing for Raphael's touch - not her first throughout the long years of separation. She had to make things right, now that they've had the initial leap to reestablish their relationship. Was that what it was?! Or was she only deluding herself? She wanted to build her life anew - if such a thing was even possible, and jumping into a sloth of shameless behavior, making love in the middle of the woods may be the unprecedented style which characterized Raphael so much, and was indeed exactly what she needed, but it still may not have been the correct way to address their complicated situation.

Making love...

Could it be that in the past she never actually..?

April caught herself on the horrifying thought - until this afternoon in the woods, she has never truly made love to Raphael before... Of course, they used to have sexual relations in the past. He was young, confused, inexperienced, eager and determined, and she took advantage of that. It was an innocent idea, sort of an experiment to see what it would feel like... She remembered how curious she was, how light-minded... and reckless...

She was supposed to protect the turtles from the irreparable harm of modern society. Keep their secret, and keep them away from corruption, exploitation, human nature of capitalism and destruction. But instead, she violated her sacred moral oath by spoiling and breaking the purest and most fragile of all things - the unprecedented tenderness and vulnerability of a young heart in love.

Raphael fell in love with her all those years ago. He trusted her and gave her everything he could, and she took... and took, and took... away... Not yet ready to realize her true happiness, convinced that the whole thing was a silly mistake... She wanted to run away, to escape the burden...

Why are we always the worst enemies to ourselves?!

In spite of her strong feelings, it seemed clear to her from the very beginning that their strange and unacceptable relationship should not have taken place. He's mutant. She's human. It was wrong and unfair towards him in the first place. April did not intend it to go that far. She didn't expect to fall in love...

"Ra-a-a-a-a-aph?" – crowed Michaelangelo, when the two brothers were alone in the kitchen cooking dinner - Mike's special home-made pizza!

Raphael felt so high-spirited ever since this morning, he actually volunteered, in spite of himself, to help his annoying baby brother in the kitchen. But after the training this afternoon he found himself in a turmoil all over again. All the different diversive feelings inside him simply couldn't find a common ground. He questionably looked at his youngest brother, while Mike reproachfully stared back with his huge blue eyes, smiling accusingly.

"Totally busted, dude! I saw you and a certain redhead walking towards the woods and taking quite some time to retu-u-u-u-u-rn…" Mikey's smile just kept expanding more a more on his green freckled physiognomy.

Raphael's natural response would've been: best scenario – sulky grumbling about whose business it was and whose it wasn't, worst scenario – Mike becoming his new punching bag. However, for some reason, the red-masked turtle brushed the remaining flour off his hands and sank into a nearby chair, heavily sighing.

Mike was taken aback by this unexpected behavior and his expression changed as he became concerned: "Wow, dude! What's up with you?" He waited for several moments just to make sure his brother was for real and not simply messing with him. Mike definitely didn't want to hit any nerves. Then slowly approaching the hothead, he set in front of him, noisily dragging a chair: "Bro?"

It seemed like Raphael was looking for something on the kitchen floor. He sighed again.

"Raph, man... Is everything cool?"

"I donno'..." The hothead suddenly spoke, "S'like... I love'er, Mikey" He still didn't make eye contact, "But... I jus'... I can't!"

"What? Can't what?" Michaelangelo's instincts started to wake up bit by bit. He was amazed at the fact that his brother actually decided to share his true feelings with him - it was a very rare occasion!

"I can't jus' take'er back... or whateva'..." Rapael's emerald gaze shot arrows straight at Mike, "S'not like she can dance into our lives wheneva' she pleases and jus' do whateva' she wants!" He paused, trying to read his brother's expression to figure out his position on the matter.

The wheels in Mike's head were turning and he placed a reassuring hand on Raphael's shoulder: "Raph, you love her, man! You always have! She made a mistake... We all make them... It's been so so long! Isn't it the right time to forgive and allow your own happiness?!" Mike looked at his big brother with an expression full of hope.

"Mikey, s'not that simple between'er and me... and... and I'm not like you..." He groaned, unable to finish that thought.

"Like me?"

"Ya' know... rainbows, cheery birdies and unicorns puking flowers all ova'..." He abstractly gestured his hands around.

"I'm not all rainbows and..." Mike felt offended a little, "Raph, this's got nothing to do with that!"

"'Den what'i's got ta' do with, Mikey? Do fill me in..." He said sarcastically rolling his eyes.

Michaelangelo pursed his lips for a moment and then said: "It's pretty obvious she came back to be with you!"

The muscles in Raphael's jaw tensed. He blinked and the emerald green light in his eyes quivered...

"I really don't know what I'm doing anymore, master Splinter!" April's perplexed stare was directed into the emptiness, focused on nothing in particular.

The old rat master attentively watched the woman with his keen eyes, a contemplative expression on his furry gray face. They were sitting facing each other on top of a tatami in the heated room Splinter chose for his temporary dwelling in the farm house.

The wise old master smiled softly and gently touched April's face with his hand: "I dare say, my child, there is nothing to be worried about… only to be patient! The boys need some time..." He paused, taking a breath and squeezing her shoulder, "They need to understand and to empathize!"

"Of course…" April smiled faintly at him.

"Do try not to blame yourself, April! What has happened – happened, and it is only natural… my sons know that!"

"Yes, I hope you're right, but I am at fault and the guys are still so young and ambitious. They lack your wisdom, Splinter, and their life-experience circulates around so very few people..." She sighed and grimaced, shutting her eyes, "I've practically broke their hearts! And I've caused you all a lot of pain!"

"April" Splinter gently touched her palm with his furry fingers, "You have been a good and reliable friend to our small special family for years! You kept our secret and you supported us as much as you could! Having absolutely no obligation, you agreed to be our intermediary to the outside world, choosing to care for us and we were lucky enough to be able to return the favor!" He shut his eyes, his ears twitching slightly, "I, personally, couldn't ask for a better friend for my family! Loyal and loving as always, my child!"

"But…"

Splinter warmly squeezed April's palm between his two. She clenched her fingers around them as if her life depended on it, intently looking into his loving fatherly eyes - they were smiling at her. And she couldn't believe how lucky she actually was to have Splinter in her life. So thankful for his forgiveness and his forever bewildering amazing sense of reason, April's heart threatened to jump out of her chest. The tears naturally appeared in her eyes. She couldn't stop them. Holding on to her friend, her sensei, her father, and feeling his hands' fragileness and ephemeral energy, she didn't want to let go. She wanted to make him see how much she desired to give him all the love in the world, supply all the energy, provide all the strength she could: "Sensei, you've always been the mainstay for us all! I love you like a father! Forgive me for any pain I've caused over the years!" Laying her palms onto the tatami below, she bowed her head very low, almost touching the floor with her forehead (- Japanese way of showing incredible gratitude and respect).

The old rat softly cupped April's chin and pulled her face up: "I too always loved you as daughter! There is nothing to forgive, my dear!" His face - an expression of great bliss, "You are always welcome into our family, April! You are forever a part of it!"

April wanted to hug Splinter more than anything, but out of respect for the old master she held back, refraining herself. However, as if reading her mind, the wise ninjitsu master smiled widely and spread out his arms in a welcoming embrace, in which April carefully engaged shedding more tears, this time of joy and relative relief.

"All my sons are special in their own way! But... Raphael has a delicate soul, my child…" Splinter said, slowly breaking their embrace. April's heart skipped a beat. How did he always know exactly what was on her mind!? "You will have to work hard and be very careful this time around!" He slightly winked at her, when his eyes met April's nervous and embarrassed stare.