Why do I hurt my favorite character so? I don't know, but I do and I do it well. ^_^ Sequel to 'Okay'
There is only one more chapter left and the story will be complete! I hope you've enjoyed this as much as I have!
Warnings: Drug use. Violence.
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With a low growl Chris slammed the door of Cade's car shut effectively shutting out what the older man was saying. If he had to hear his brother or Pride telling him that they were so proud of him or that they were going to get through this together he was going to scream.
They were both so damn positive about the entire situation. He was so sick of positivity and smiles. They weren't actually doing anything to help him. Unless they were trying to make him bash his head into a wall.
He was tired. All he wanted to do was curl up in his bed and forget everything that was happening in the world. It wasn't as if there was all that much for him to do out there. Until he got clean he wasn't worth a whole lot.
Both of the older men would tell him off if they found out he was thinking that way, but he knew he wasn't wrong. His whole life was about helping other people and he couldn't do that the state he was in.
That was more than enough motivation to get clean and stay on the right track. Which was exactly what he was doing at home. All he had to deal with now was waiting for the withdraw symptoms to disappear.
He was getting closer and closer to being okay and able to move on with his life. Outside of being freezing cold even in the New Orleans humidity and shaking badly enough that he should not hold a gun he was fine.
Okay, so his emotions were a little out of whack and prone to change at the drop of a hat. Fine. He was dealing with all of that. It was just going to take a week or two for him to get over it. Then he could go back to work.
At least that's what he had been hoping. Now he wasn't all that sure that he was going to be going back at all. For as much as Pride said that he couldn't wait for him to be back his mind questioned that.
Who would want someone like him on their team? They might not deal with drugs all that much, but when they did it was going to be awkward and the older man would be watching him instead of watching the case.
That in and of itself was not a good thing. He was the second-in-command of the team. That came with a lot of responsibility and even more trust. How could his boss trust him to have the teams back after all of this?
Sighing he raked his nails over his scalp and sat on the stairs leading up to the library. He might have wanted to be at home right then, but his brother had convinced him, or annoyed him really, into going to a group.
Apparently Cade thought it a good idea for him to talk about everything that was going on with him. Something that he really really didn't want to do. He wasn't a talker. He let his actions speak for themselves.
Which he was aware wasn't the best thing since his actions were saying he was a junkie. He didn't need to talk to anyone though. He got clean on his own once before and he was going to be able to do it this time.
Pride and Cade kept pushing though. They wanted to know what happened the first time around. What happened this time. Was there some underlying cause that pushed him. Was there… Blah Blah Blah.
It was as if they were expecting some grand confession out of him. That as soon as they knew why he did what he did that everything would be fine. He knew better than to think like that though. He knew nothing was going to change.
Resting his head against his knees he took a shaky breath trying to come up with a plan to get him out of this. It wasn't as if he had to do it. No one could make him go to a meeting and talk about his feeling.
Except they could. Pride was his friend, but he was also his boss. It was up to him when he was going to come back. If he said that he had to go then he had to go. If only so he could get back to doing his job.
That was really all he wanted to do. Just get back to his old life. Working on cases with the team. Going to Pride's bar and listening to music. He wanted… He needed to get his old life back before he went insane.
It had been almost two months since he had seen anyone on the team, outside of King, since his freak out in the office. According to his boss he had been put on a two week suspension for his actions and then was taking the rest of the time as sick leave.
Almost every day, if there wasn't a case they were working on, the man would come over after work and tell him that the team was asking about him. Hearing that warmed his heart almost as much as it pissed him off.
He didn't want to hear about the team or their cases. Not with the knowledge that he should be there helping them always looming in the back of his mind. If any of them got hurt while he was gone it was on him.
A few times Pride and tried to get him to invite the team over. He said that it would be good for everyone if they cleared the air. He couldn't though. He couldn't tell them about what he had been doing to himself. How he had failed them.
Cade and Pride had been trying to get him to see that it was just a relapse. That it could have happened to anyone. Maybe they were right, but it hadn't happened to anyone. It had happened to him. He was supposed to know better.
There was a traitorous part of his brain that kept telling him that he should leave the team for good. That they were better off just getting a new person to fill his spot. They might miss him for a bit, but they'd get over it. It was such a tempting thought.
He was just so tired of it all. Be it his personal life or his work life he was tired. Walking away from it all was getting more and more appealing everyday. He wasn't sure if that was him or the withdraw symptoms talking anymore.
Clenching his hands into fists to stop them from shaking Chris tried to take a deep breath. The last thing he needed was to break down in front of the library like some loon. He was regretting leaving the house more and more.
"Hey Chris," a voice suddenly said causing his head to jerking up.
Sitting beside him on the stairs was Sebastian. He hadn't even noticed that man coming to sit beside him. Was he really that lost in his own mind? He was a trained police officer. He wasn't supposed to let his guard down like that.
"It's good to see you," Sebastian continued a smile on his lips.
"Yeah," he agreed shakily looking away from the man.
The two men fell silent for a moment the rest of the city walking around them as if they didn't exist. That thought should not have been as soothing as it was. Considering he had been the focus of attention for months though he was glad for it.
"I'm glad you're here," Sebastian offered after a pregnant pause, "I was hoping that you'd join one of my groups."
"W-What?" Chris stuttered feeling as if the breath had been knocked out of him.
"The meeting that's happening in a few minutes? The one for people getting over the drug addictions. You're going to it. Right?"
"Why do you think I could go to that?"
"Chris… I… I found your pills."
A harsh breath escaped him as he sat there. Everything in him was telling him to run. It was Sebastian thought. The man was just going to follow him if he did that. There was no place for him to escape now.
He never wanted anyone to know what he had done. How he had given into the weakness and taken the pills. Now it seemed that everyone knew what he had done and that terrified him more than he though possible.
"I found them under my desk," Sebastian continued after a moment, "They must have rolled under there when you and Pride… Um… Anyway, I found them."
"And your first thought was that I was abusing them?" Chris questioned trying to keep the anger out of his voice.
"No, not even close. It wasn't until Pride said you were on leave and that we shouldn't disturb you that I got to thinking. I thought about how you'd been acting. That's when I figured it out."
"It's great, isn't it? Seeing how weak I am?"
"What? Weak? Chris, that's the last thing I think you are."
"You don't know."
"Then tell me."
"No, I don't… I'm not talking about it."
"Then why are you here?"
"To get Cade and Pride to shut up and leave me alone."
"You could give it a chance. You might actually enjoy..."
"No, Sebastian, I'm not doing this. I can't…"
"If you say you can't let people see how weak you are I'm going to smack you."
Chris stared at the younger man when he said that. He sounded angry in the moment. Which was not something that he associated with the man. He was always so calm and happy. Now though all of that was gone.
"Sebastian..." Chris tried to say shakily.
"I've seen this before, Chris," Sebastian said motioning to the library, "That's why I volunteer here. I've watched someone I loved more than anything fall down this hole and refuse to get help. They had been so sure they that could do this alone. They died thinking that. I watched them die knowing that if they had just stopped thinking with their pride they might still be alive. You're one of my best friends. I think of you as my big brother. I… Please, don't make me watch you die too."
Hearing the tears in his voice Chris reached out and rested a hand on top of the man's. He could feel just how warm Sebastian was compared to him and he wanted to hold him close and never let go of that warmth.
"This…" Chris started between taking a deep breath, "This isn't the first time I've done this."
"Tell me about it," Sebastian prompted linking their hands together and holding tightly.
"I was sixteen. I… I was the man of the house. My Daddy had died in a car accident two years before and Cade was starting to show signs of being bi-polar. When I wasn't at school I was at work trying to get some money so that my family had food on the table. My Mama had a job too, but it wasn't enough to take care of the bills that were piling up.
"Between my schooling and my job and football practice and taking care of my brother I didn't really have much time to do anything. I didn't really even have time to be doing any of that really. I was tired from working so hard and barely getting any sleep and stretched so thin it wasn't funny. I knew that it was the wrong thing to do when I was offered the needle full of heroin. I knew that I should say no, but that was the first time in years that I had any time to myself. I gave in."
"And got addicted."
"Yeah, for two years that was who I was. I kept waiting for my family to catch on, but my Mama was worried because Cade was getting worse. I was pushed onto the back burner. I didn't even think about getting clean until we finally had a name for what was going on with my brother. I hadn't wanted to, but I knew that I needed to be there for my brother."
"How'd you get clean? That's not something that's easy to do. Especially with something like heroin."
"Honestly, the woman that got me hooked in the first place. She was older than I was and came from money. Big oil. Her father finally convinced her to go into an outpatient program. I don't know how she got her Daddy to pay for me as well, but he did. We got clean together."
"No one knew what was going on with you?"
"Nope. Like I said Cade was sick. That was more important."
"You stayed clean this whole time. That was big accomplishment, Chris."
"I'm sitting in front of a library about to go into a meeting because I started taking pills again. It doesn't feel like an accomplishment."
"It is. Why'd you start taking the pills? After being clean for so long. Why now?"
"I didn't want to at first. I was going to pretend that I was and that everything was fine. Percy and Gregorio were there though. They were watching me and…"
"And it was either take the pills or tell them why you weren't. Okay. I get that. You didn't want to know what happened in your past. You know they… We wouldn't judge you for this though."
"I know. I do know that, Sebastian, but this is not something I'm proud of. I'm supposed to be the second-in-command, Pride's number two. If you guys knew what I had done I thought you would be so concerned with watching me it would put everyone in danger."
"Chris, don't lie to me. This isn't about putting us in danger. Us in danger is you going out there stoned."
"What do you want me to say?"
"The truth. You're my friend. I'm not going to tell anyone what you're thinking."
"What I'm thinking? How about that I'm weak and stupid? Or that you're better off without me? Or that I'm so tired that I just want all of this to end? I didn't tell anyone what I've done because I knew that we didn't have any emotions to spare. We're cops. Our job is to take care of people. If we're too focused on each other than they die and that is on me. I'm better than that. I'm better than this. I have to be."
He barely finished his sentence before he was being pulled into a tight hug. He forgot just how much bigger the younger man was until he was practically being cocooned by his arms in the tightest hug he had probably ever received.
"You're human, Chris," Sebastian whispered in his ear, "You're not weak and you're not Superman. You're human. You will fall and do stupid things. That's where your team, your family, comes in. We're here to help you back on your feet when you do fall. Just like you help us when we fall. You have to let us help you. Or this superhuman act is going to get you killed. Please, let me help you."
"How?" Chris spoke against his chest.
"Come inside. Talk to the rest of the group. They know what you're going through. They understand. And the next time you feel like you're falling? Call me. Call Pride. Call someone. None of us were think less of you if you ask for help. We'll all just be happy that you're okay. Promise me?"
"Okay."
"Say it."
"I promise to call someone if I need help."
"Good. Come on, we're cutting it a little close and as the moderator I kind of can't be late."