I do not own OUAT.

Regina did not expect the guilt. Remorse was something that Henry – and later, Emma- had made a possibility. Remorse was seeing Henry's expression when she forced him to come home ( and stay there), his tears when she fought with tooth and nail to separate him and Emma (it was slow then, but gods did it hit her when it arrived) Remorse was finding out Emma only had a family once, and they sent her away. Remorse was Emma's surprise at any of the things Charming and Snow did, the casual 'I am not used to that' to so many ordinary kindnesses.

(they weren't ordinary for Regina either, with Cora as her mother, but they were ordinary nonetheless)

But remorse wasn't guilt. Guilt was constant nausea, and not wanting to look your family – the one that trusted you, that didn't question you when you were so, so very suspicious- in the eyes. Guilt was hating a man, and still hating his death (and yourself) more. Guilt was wanting to push Emma away, away, because that was someone she loved and you did not deserve to ever have her sleep faithfully on your bed again.

Gods, guilt was like quicksand; it didn't let you go . Not that remorse was any kinder, any easier to get over, but somehow , that had felt more manageable. But only two days, and Regina already knew this was too much. She was dining with her family, with the people she trusted, the people she hurt, the people that trusted her, that shouldn't trust her-

"Regina?" Snow's voice interrupts her thoughts, and even makes it possibly to focus on anything else but the pit in her stomach. She focuses on the hand covering hers instead. "Are you all right?"

" I – " she stares at her food. Hook will never eat again. Because you will always be evil. Emma will be hurt, again, because you cannot even be good when you have ripped the evil out of yourself. She quickly puts the fork down, so Snow can't see it tremble along with her hand. "Am fine. Truly, fine"

" Regina, it is okay to admit you are afraid, and that you miss Emma. We are afraid too. I am terrified" Snow says, smiling and tearing up at the same time.

" I am just not hungry" Regina protests, feebly.

" Regina- "

" Of course I miss her Snow, she is- " my friend? Family? The only good mother Henry has, the only one who won't ruin- " very dear to me" Regina awkwardly finishes

" Well, good you're finally admitting it" Snow says. "I am sure Emma will like that"

Emma, who is curled up on Regina's lap and pops her head up every few second to – or so thinks- sneakily steal a piece of bacon, does indeed seem to like it. She doesn't really have an expression, but Regina knows the woman is just awfully smug and – just awful, really.

"I am sure she will" Regina answers, with a glare towards Emma that immediately falters as she remembers. Hook's heart. The newspaper. His hook not covered by that damned blanket.

She shakes her head when her arm is squeezed momentarily, and she stares at Charming. He's looking at her with a furrowed brow, eyes all soft with concern. " The food is very good" he says, smiling at her.

"You know Regina, you never told me how you learned to cook" Snow , usually in possession of as much tact as a small child, actually evades the hard subjects for once. Perhaps she's just too emotional to think of the years where Regina would sit at the table and listen to Snow prattle on and on. Regardless of the reason, Regina is thankful.

" I taught myself"

" That's very impressive" Snow says, smiling still
" Cooking is a skill the majority of people possess, Snow, it is hardly as complicated as magic or any of the arts"

" Still"

"Both of you can cook"

David chuckles "Not as well as you"

" I have eaten food prepared by you before. It was passable"

David just smiles and jokes 'High praise from her majesty' . Somehow, his playful idiocy and Snow's emotional, suffocating brand of caring make her relax enough that she stops thinking I don't deserve this, my fault, my fault, my fault and actually manages to force herself to eat.

Henry jumps in then, starting to tell a story he has read. He has been fascinated by stories even more since he discovered he was the author, and has started reading the old stories again, the ones she used to explore with him. Epics about brave warriors, vengeful deities and wild seas.

He's a good storyteller and she slowly relaxes even more, smiling at how animated her son is, how he seems happy somehow – despite everything- and how much her little family fits, somehow. Then of course Charming chimes in, somehow manages to break yet another glass and Snow scolds him and then they're being all lovey-dovey-

Just another day in the Charming-Mills-Swan household really. It would be so wonderful, if Regina's thoughts could just stop. Instead she has a very uncomfortable day, that kinds of feel like the curse days in that she has to lie and fake smiles and it's exhausting. She sits next to Charming while they're watching the station's videos again, and interrogate anyone who might know something. She signs files she can hardly bring herself to read, answers too late to questions from her secretary, and suffers through meetings with worried and tired and terrified townspeople.

It's a long day, and it gets longer still when she runs into Leroy.

" Hey, sister. Sister- " he has taken to calling her sister as well, scoffing at threats and just smiling at attempts of blackmail. Still, Emma is not right, they are not friends. And even if they were, soon no one will want to be her friend ever again.

She slowly turns around, all hope lost. " Leroy. How may I be off help?"

"Cut the formal crap. Is it true? Was his heart missing?"

She arches her eyebrow." How would you even know?"

He shrugs " Nova told me. So it's true?"

"Unfortunately, yes"

She has always suspected Leroy was a little smarter than he let on, and the way he squeezes his eyes slightly, like he is on to her, just solidifies that belief. " Sure. Do we have any reason to worry?"

She thinks of the queen, of how she was seconds away from killing Emma, the person she claims to feel about like Regina does, foolish heart and mind and body all pining for her so much it aches like being thrown into a clocktower and absorbing death curses. You have all the reasons in the world to be concerned. " I do not think so, but I will let you know"

He nods. " We're still on the search for the saviour"

She doesn't like being called that. " Thank you. I will be going home"

As she walks away, he calls her name. not sister, or 'hey!' or even 'your majesty' but her name. She looks over her shoulder. "Yes?"

"The town has got your back, you know" .

She wonders whether Leroy will be one of the first to turn on her, or one of the last. She isn't sure. She isn't sure about any of them. " Thank you" she just says, trying for regal and controlled but feeling exhausted and unsure and knowing at least part of it is showing.

She thinks about it the way home. She passes people who smile at her, who nod at her, who say 'madam mayor' respectfully. Several people inquire about the newspaper, asking her whether they should be worried. One small boy calms down his friend by telling them 'the mayor will protect us. That's her job'. People are talking and glancing but life goes on. No one points at her, there are no raised voices or whispers, no harsh accusations or disdainful glares. Everyone is much more trusting and friendlier than she expected.

So much more than she deserves.

The thought won't let her go. The evil queen should be gone, but she isn't. She an actual physical person, and worse than ever. She is in Regina's head, whispering things. She is a possibility, something she still has to fight, someone she still can become- she killed Hook, and it was so wrong.

She almost doesn't go home, but that would be cowardly. And her family needs her.

The first sign is chest pains, of the variety that feel like tiny spears being thrust into your chest. She is in the kitchen and tries to get to her family but then the door slams closed and there's purple smoke everywhere and a too familiar voice saying 'time is up'

She glares at the queen. " L-leave" she stammers, nearly falling but instead slamming her hand down on the counter and managing to hold herself up. The queen's eyes widen slightly, a smirk playing at her lips. She takes the few steps towards Regina, and leans in.

" You are pathetic" she whispers

" You are unwanted" she hits back, just as hard. She can feel the hit herself, knows the pain the queen feels before she turns it into rage. Regina lets out a muffled groan when she is thrown back, and crashes into the wall.

This is your chance. She is angry enough- She slowly gets to her feet, trying to smirk. It's like a dying flashlight, smirking not what she feels like now. She feels like running away, grabbing into her family and never letting go. But that's not what they need her to do.

" You are the worst part of me, and no one ever wanted you. Even Rumple did not, he just used – "

She muffles a curse when a part of her kitchen counter suddenly breaks and slams into her. Right into her stomach, which she clutches as she falls to the ground. The queen stalks towards her, and she leans in with a snarl

" Everyone used you. Even the ones that made you are disgusted by you" she spits

" You needed me" the queen says.

" I despised you. You were just all I had. I would have never chosen for - " Regina chokes suddenly, her body stiffening automatically, and her heart speeds up. It feels worse than it did before, somehow. Her body and mind had years to get accustomed to this, one of Cora's favourite punishments, and she shouldn't be bothered at all but somehow it's an awful mix of memories and awful shivers everywhere.

She grits her teeth, but the queen laughs. She has seen the panic, the fear ( the weakness) "Remember how fond mother was of this?" she whispers, stroking Regina's cheek. " Remember how she used to tell us at least it would stop us from talking, from uttering such foolish things"

"Not… we" Regina forces out

" You? But I am you. I am the part of you that is strong, the part you hid behind like the pathetic girl scrambling for approval that you are" the queen's hand leaves her cheek and grabs her chin instead " You only wanted love. You even wanted her love"

Regina splutters when the pressure on her throat suddenly disappears, trying to keep herself from taking too large breaths. " She did love me. She just-"

" Didn't have her heart?" the queen takes a step back, a heart appearing in her hand. Regina presses her own to her chest, and realizes it's hers. She knows. She doesn't how, but she does. " Do you love Henry?" the queen asks.

It feels like a trap. " Do you love him?" she is reminded of years ago, of a stranger in her town and fighting and staring because why would she ask that? She is so much more sure about the answer now, and loving is something she has relearned. But the queen-

She remembers being the queen, even if it's distant. And the queen- the queen had her parts as well, the soft parts she buried, the ones that meant she could still love. Now – " Should I get him so you can- "

" NO" Regina yells without thinking, and the queen's eyes lit up. " I love him " she says, before she can think it through. But the thought of Henry in her, in the middle of another twisted game- no, anything but that.

"Yes"

She stares at the queen. Is she going to hurt him now? " It is not weak" she insists.

" You loved him when you were me, just a more mellowed version of me. You loved him when he misbehaved, when he chose someone else over you, when he did the opposite of what you wanted. You loved him when your heart wasn't in your chest"

Regina stares at the queen, stares at her own heart that's pulsing and sounds far too loud in the otherwise silent room. She almost flinches when the queen walks towards her again, but instead lifts her head and glares at her. The queen caresses her cheek again.

" Mother didn't love you for a moment, without her heart. You could have obeyed her mindlessly, could have become the queen willingly and birthed an entire linage of royals and you would never have been enough" Regina tries to move her head away when the queen uses magic to draw a line on her cheek, the way anyone would with a knife, but she is stuck.

Her eyes widen when the same doesn't happen to the queen. "But you- "

" Oh, that is only temporary" the queen assures her " I have not been able to break this goddamn tether to you"

" But how?"

The queen shrugs. " Well- " Regina stares as the blood starts dripping from the queen's cheek. " I have managed to delay the effects, as you see. I am the one who is not too afraid of upsetting their little hero friends to use dark magic"

It means I can destroy her. Regina slumps on purpose, fainting exhaustion and hopelessness. The queen's hold on her lessens, the magic slowly fading – she quickly pushes against it, summoning a fireball at the same moment-

And slams into the queen gracelessly and slightly clumsily. She pushes her against the counter, holding the fireball closer to her- but it's tiny. It's small , the size of a tennis ball, and weak. It isn't properly hot and as she stares at it, it dies.

" How- "

The queen licks her lip. " Your fuel was always rage and pain, Regina. You only learned magic the moment you were the king's little toy- what did you think powered your magic now? Rainbows and unicorns?"

Regina feels her heart really start to race. Her actual, physical heart vanished when she attacked the queen, but she tries to grapple for it now. She feels her magic inside her, but she can't access it. As soon as she realizes there's no way, she is powerless, she is – she can hear her own breathing turn, becoming too quick and shuddering.

She stumbles back when the queen pushes, and carefully walks around her, studying her. " You were only strong because of me" she hisses, and points at herself " I was all that kept you alive when Daniel died, and you were nothing more than Snow's shiny new toy. I was there to open up your magic to you, and to defend yourself against that lascivious fool. It was me who made you strong, who made you able to pretend and lie and protect yourself against all that pain"

The queen gets in her face, teeth bared and practically spitting. " You were nothing without me"

" Love is what makes you strong. All you did for me is making an entire kingdom loathe me" Regina spits back

"You would not have survived without me, you could not have done anything without me. You would still be mother's little doll, Rumple's puppet, and – "

" Stop it"

" You would still be theirs. Forced to brush Snow's hair and say 'yes, princess. No, princess'. Share meals with the little bitch and her father that would never look at you as anything more than – " the queen's tone is absolutely mocking and Regina is lost in memories and confused and surging forwards and punching her before she has even registered she is crying.

She falls over the queen, panting and shaking. " Daniel was strong, and he was the gentlest person I knew. Henry is strong, and he loves more than anyone I know. Emma is strong, and she loves even the people who deserve it the least"

"Are you going to hurt me?" the queen smirks, and Regina follows her gaze and realizes- like a blow to her stomach- she is holding a knife pressed to the queen's neck. Her hand starts to tremble, but she doesn't remove the knife

" It would be a fitting end for the both of us" the queen says, and the fact that she isn't moving, isn't even trying to get away, makes Regina slowly pull the knife away

" No. I will not- "

" They would've. Snow planned to execute us"

"You. Snow attempted to save me " she had. She had tried to appeal to the part of Regina that she is now, the gentle and good part. That she is supposed to be now.

"I was still a part of you then. Us"

She stares at the queen, and places the knife on her throat again. She feels the sting on the sensitive skin of her own throat, but ignores it. It is my fault she is free. It is my fault she exists at all. " You will leave my family alone" she tries to command but her voice shakes and her hand shakes even more

The queen grabs her wrist. "See how weak you are? You cannot even defend them. Completely useless"

They remain in an intense stare for a moment, two moments, until the moment Regina slumps and the knife falls with a soft sound. " I just want you gone" she whispers

For a moment, there's something almost sad (are those tears?) in the queen's eyes. But it's gone so quickly and then she just snipes out "You are still me. Get used to not getting what you want" and disappears.

The scream comes two seconds later, and Regina scrambles to pick herself up before she runs upstairs on unsteady legs. She almost falls, but that scream- it was Snow, she thinks. And then there was Henry's , exactly like her little boy waking up from a nightmare.

She is there. She is hurting them, it is my fault. It was a distraction, estúpido, estúpido, estúpido. She bursts into the room. Snow is covering her mouth, tears falling silently. Charming has her wrapped in his arms, leaning on her as much as he is trying to offer comfort. Henry is grabbing on to his grandpa's arm, his eyes wide.

It isn't the queen

It's Emma. She is on the bed, naked but covered in enough feathers that you cannot see much. There's blood dripping from her nose, angry bruises where the collar used to be. Whenever her chest moves, there is a disquieting rattling sound. There are odd marks on her chest, kind of like someone scratched her , like-

They all look at her as soon as she enters the room. Henry runs into her arms, and she holds on to him with all her might. He is sobbing quietly into her shoulder, still muttering '¿Estás bien? ¿Estás bien? " even though she's the mother, she should be watching out for him and definitely not the other way around.

Still, she is weak for another moment and just holds on to him and focuses on nothing else. As soon as she feels her own shaking start to subside, she slowly raises her head and stares at Snow. She is still in Charming's arms, staring at Emma but then she suddenly looks at Regina and-

Regina can almost hear all the questions, wonderings before Snow breaks her gaze and runs to Emma. She places a gentle hand on Emma's forehead, pushes her name out and finally turns to Regina.

" Why isn't she waking, what is wrong, Regina? " odd, how she suddenly remembers taking a young Snow out for a ride and coming across a dead sparrow. She had had the same expression then, pleaded for Regina to help then, too.

She slowly lets Henry go, and he reluctantly lets her before trying to walk towards the bed as well. Charming interferes thankfully, and holds him back with a gentle grip on his shoulder. She leans on the bed, staring at Emma.

"Regina?"

" Someone attempted to take her heart" she finally says, even though she knows it is staged. The queen can take Emma's heart, terrifyingly easily even, but she obviously wanted to make it look like it was an impossibility.

" Are you sure they didn't succeed? " Snow asks, still next to Emma and looking at her with such trust. It makes her sick.

"I am fairly certain, yes"

" Regina, can you- " Snow falters and Regina almost screams. Once, ripping out hearts had been more than easy, it had been addictive. It had sent a dark thrill through her, and made her smile. Now, she stares down at Emma and wants to scramble of the bed. Looks at Snow and feels backed into a corner.

" Snow, you – "

" We have to know. Emma would understand " Snow says, and Regina wants to protest but then she adds " She trusts you. She has let you once already- " her face falls at the thought of why, for who, Emma had let Regina rip her heart out.

Regina inhales once, staring down at Emma. She carefully wipes away the blood, healing her chest before glancing at Snow once more. She nods, teary-eyed but also so trusting and – like the first look she ever gave Regina actually.

She takes Emma's heart out. It glows softly in her hands, as she cradles it and very carefully shows it to Snow , Charming and Henry. Snow stares at the dark softly shimmering between the red. There's a lot of regret in her eyes and Regina automatically takes her hand, and squeezes it softly.

"She is all right" she says

" Is she? Look at her" Snow says, and starts crying again. Behind her, she can hear sounds of muffled crying and outright sobs. She swallows, it's painful and awful and it doesn't stop her own tears.

She is just allowing Snow to close the distance , closing her mouth and disregarding all the useless words she could say, when the sound of a cane hitting the floor makes them all focus on the door. Regina immediately stands up , taking several steps forward so she is in front of Henry.

" Grandpa?" Henry says. " What a-are you doing here?".

"I am here as a concerned civilian" he answers, stepping further into the room. Regina tries to subtly light a fireball, or just create a small earthquake or anything really but there is only a small puff of smoke coming from her hands and that's it.

Charming slowly steps away from Henry, and comes to stand next to her. He's so close that their shoulders are touching , actually. "You're breaking and entering, Gold"

" That's only a minor offense compared to murder and abduction" he answers, eyes going to Regina.

There is a shocked silence before Snow blurts out "what?"

" I was as shocked as you, dearie" Gold says, and then steps forward. " I have made it very clear that there will be consequences if you attempt to harm Belle in any way"

"Belle is missing? "Charming said

"Yes. And considering there was evidence of magic involved, I came here to question her majesty"

"I am no longer – "

"Neither of us can outrun our pasts, dearie" he leans in. "Now, where are you keeping her?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about – "

" I don't know what kind of game you are playing- " Regina quickly grabs David's arm as he reaches for his gun and walks towards Rumple. "Don't be an idiot " she hisses.

He halts , but she recognizes his expression when he glances at her. It's the stubborn one that means he is going to do something idiotic soon. She quickly interferes before he can get himself turned into a snail and stepped on.

" I did not take Belle"

" Who did, then?"

" I have no idea, but you are not exactly a popular man in town. Has it crossed your mind that anyone you made one of your little deals with could've done this?".

" Perhaps, but they are not in possession of magic. And I doubt the princess' pet fairy is behind this"

"Why would Blue do anything to harm Belle?" Snow mutters, sounding very lost and confused. And slightly, annoyingly, condescending.

" Perhaps she was keeping her safe, from you - "

Snow screams her name and Charming grabs Gold as soon as Regina is thrown back. By the time she has blinked the black spots away, Gold is kept in a tight hold and Snow is practically plastered to her side, and asking a stream of questions. All the talking and the expressions and the barbs- it's just too much.

" I did not take Belle" she pushes out.

"And you can keep repeating that, but all the evidence points towards you dearie"

She would thank the gods if she hadn't stopped believing years ago. Her magic actually works and it's all that keeps David from getting a concussion when Gold throws him off himself. He takes a step forward, which is of course when Snow moves in front of her with –

"Where did you get that bow?" she exclaims.

" I hid several of them in your house as soon as we moved in"

"You never asked for my permission, and we have a child in this house"

Henry just rolls his eyes, and shrugs. " I know where grandma keeps her – "

"Enough. Where's Belle" Gold spits.

Regina sighs. " I did not stow away your girlfriend. Did it ever cross your mind that she might no longer wish to be with someone who chooses a dagger over her?".

Gold is silent for half a minute, just studying her. Then he smiles. " What happened to miss Swan, Regina?".

" We have no idea"

" What an unfortunate situation" Gold drawls.

" Yes, and I would like you to remove yourself from my property so we can – "

"Have you attempted a dream catcher?"

Regina's stomach drops, but she quickly forces an appropriately disdainful expression on her face. One of the ones that would've been her go-to before- well, before ripping a part of herself out, really. " No. And I doubt- "

She stares at the dream catcher suddenly appearing in Gold's hand. "Shall I? Consider it my apology for disturbing your .. investigation" .

She swallows. " I do not think that it is necessary- "

He is already walking over to Emma, and she and Snow share a look. Gold is far from trusted by them, but he has helped them in the past as well. " Regina?" she mutters.

She snatches the dreamcatcher from him. "Allow me" she says

He snaps his fingers and the dreamcatcher appears in his hand again, and a cuff appears on her wrist. She gapes at it, and she hears Henry say something foul in Spanish at the same time that Snow releases an arrow and Charming draws his gun.

The arrow burns to dust in the air, and Gold magics the gun away easily " Excuse me dearies, but I prefer not to have the prime suspect handle this"

" Prime suspect?" Henry questions, his voice suddenly very small

" The circumstances of the pirate's death point in a certain direction, and the abduction of Belle points in the same. And right now your mother seems oddly reluctant to help solve the abduction of your other mother"

" Well, we are not letting you use that dreamcatcher. You might manipulate it" Charming says, crossing his arms. Snow nods in agreement and Henry just gives Gold a look that is pure Regina. Gold sighs.

"Call for her, then"

Snow hesitates, then nods. " I will guard him, you go get Blue " she tells Charming.

Gold waves his hand. " No need " he says, and then suddenly Blue is there. He pushes the dreamcatcher in her hands and she stumbles back, gasping. She has that permanent expression of outrage, the way she gets around anyone who she deems 'wrong'. Regina still intensely dislikes her.

" What is this?" she demands

Snow explains in a few words, and the fairy seems willing enough to help, nodding like it makes perfect sense ( it doesn't ) and giving Gold and Regina equally disapproving looks. She walks over to Emma, and Regina's stomach rolls and cramps and her entire body just tenses.

Before she can do anything, Blue is already holding the dreamcatcher over Emma and absorbing her memories. Two seconds later, and they are playing out in gruesome details.

The hallway, moving like it is being filmed by someone who is running. The sound of heels, and panicked breathing. The door slamming closed and the room suddenly shrinking. A low chuckle. Brown eyes, dark hair, a lip scar. Lips pulled up into a smirk. Purple smoke and the hands catching themselves barely after that punch that hit the air. The ground. Hands, pulling and a face that is so very close. A hand buried into a chest. Regina, with a softly glowing heart in her hand. Darkness at the edges, creeping in, and the ground tilting.

The memory ends. Blue's eyes glint, but she tries to look mournful. Snow drops her bow and presses her hand to her mouth, looking sick. Charming stares at her with teared eyes and a furious scowl. Henry seems terrified, hands trembling, shallow breathing and eyes wide.

Regina herself feels sick, and confused, and terrified. There's only one thought in her mind.

What did she make me do that I do not remember?

You know, there are some things that bothered me and I reread it a few times but couldn't put my finger on it. So first I was like 'I will just post it tomorrow, and work on it one more time' but I know myself and my perfectionism and figured I just would never post it if I did so ... I hope you enjoyed it and if you found the things I couldn't find, please inform me because it's annoying me.