Chapter 3

"Get out. Get out. Get out!" Rick yelled, grabbing Morty's hair and shoving him face first into the portal. The feeling of his molecules flexing over space-time where his shoulders should be just... it just made him so angry.

"F-Fuck!" Morty used his hands, still on the spaceship side of the portal to slap and scratch anything that resembled flesh. "Rick, stop it! Just talk to me, Rick!"

A throaty ahem distracted him enough to cease physical harm to Rick, so he just latched onto his lab coat and strangled his legs around the spaceship's steering wheel. Looking out into the living room, Morty noticed his Mom and Dad were back and perched on the couch. The portal was placed right on top of the television. "O-Oh, hey. Hi, guys." Morty said.

Jerry's eyes brightened, his mouth had some surgical tape stuck to it still. "Morty! Good to see you! Keeping your Grandfather out late by chance?" He asked in a cheerful and sappy tone. He was so nervous and submissive looking. I mean, even more so than normal. What the hell did Rick do to him?

"Hi, honey." His mom tried, sipping wine out of the bottle, one of two, sitting on the coffee table. "Look, do you think you could...I don't know… your Grandfather has just been really pent up since you left, a little alone time with my husband really shouldn't be too much to ask. Can you and Dad have an all-nighter? A good lonnng adventure, like you used to?"

"Oh, well. I mean I can do my best. Say, Dad? Can you do me a favor real quick?"

"Sure, anything sport!"

"Ok, you see that vase right there, the one Rick scientifically altered the coating of to- to not break because it's Mom's favorite? No…not that... the big one. Yeah, hand that to me please."

Morty released Rick with one hand, who was still pushing him through, so desperate that he began pinching Morty's arms. Vase in hand, with one quick ompf he curled up through the portal and brought it down on top of Rick's head.

"Arugh."

Hit.

"Ow."

Hit.

"Damn, Morty."

Hit.

"I-I am going to get you for this, M-morty!"

Hit.

"Wah...fub...me…"

Hit.

That was the end of it. Rick was out like a light. Morty popped back through the portal and handed the vase, bloody at one corner, to a grinning Jerry and a stunned Beth.

"Morty...did you just...murder...your Grandfather?" Beth asked.

"I wish." Jerry and Morty said together.

"No, he's just going to have a hell of a headache, nothing ya' know, special," Morty told his Mom. "Look hand me some rope, I have to tie him up or he- you know, he is going to go all chainsaw massacre on my ass when he wakes up."

Beth sighed, took another sip of wine, and then pulled some black nylon rope out from under the couch.

"Ew, you guys. Gross." Morty said.

"Let's not talk about it, sport," Jerry said.

"Agreed." Said Morty. "Ok, so this will probably hold him for a good… I don't know maybe five minutes. Got anything better?"

Beth blinked at him. She slowly put her hand back underneath the couch and came out with handcuffs. Her eyes firmly fixed on a horse picture on the wall as she handed him first the cuffs, then dug around in her pocket and produced some keys.

"Wow…." Morty said.

"Not talking about it!" Beth hissed.

"... Bye." Morty said and slipped back through the portal.

Half an hour slipped by in a snap. Morty thought and rethought every situation, every possible reason for his Grandfather to act out like he did. So what? Did Morty hit on him or something? Rick...He, he has to know that Morty was so fucked up that night. What, did he shove his hands down Rick's pants or something. Morty cringed. No. Even that...it wouldn't be worth more than a few months of ridicule to a guy like Rick. So what the hell happened?

"Oh...oh fuck. Mor-OURGH-ty. I will, you little, I will rip you limb from limb." Rick groaned as his eyelids fluttered open to find himself bound in six different ways to the passenger side door.

"Wh-what was I supposed to do, Rick? You just flipped… you totally wigged out on me man." Morty said.

"I flipped….I flipped out, Morty!? You KNOCKED ME UNCONSCIOUS, MORTY! I was just trying to send you home, you little shit. You tried to kill me. You tied me up to my own ship. Are these Shibari style knots? What the fuck, Morty. Where did you even learn this Morty?! The-these are actually pretty g-good Morty, damn. I mean if you have some free time I know a guy on gazorpazorp that is looking for a- "

"You know what I mean, Rick. What did….what's going on? Why won't you talk to me about that night? I am losing my mind over this, Rick! Did you put micro interdimensional worms in me again? Is that why I can't remember anything? Is that why my...why weird stuff is happening to me?"

"Ugh, ok fine M-morty. You can't remember anything? Y-you want to know what happened? Nothing."

"N-nothing, Rick?" Morty asked, shifting his eyes to the windshield that held the expanse of space, framed perfectly, and then back to Rick. That couldn't be right.

"Nothing," Rick confirmed. "We got into a pretty heated argument about how I ruined your life, you punched me in the face, and I, well I am not proud of this M-morty, but I called Jessica and told her you loved her, and then you ran up to your room crying, Morty."

"Then why did you freak on me?"

"Morty, you had just said I ruined your life. I wasn't going to just, to just put up with that soggy load of bull shit. "

"So you left," Morty stated.

"Just like you wanted, Morty. But look at you now- begging for the adventures that ruined you."

"Aw..aw jeez Rick." Morty rushed to untie him. Anxiety crippling stomach and twisting his soul all into knots, "Oh, what have I done? Man I, I'm sorry Rick. "

Rick pushed himself up into a normal sitting position, stretching and popping a few joints. "Oh Christ, that, I am not used to that kind of position anymore, Morty. I-It's fine, Morty. Let's OUGH let's just let bygones be bygones, eh? Forget about the anti-matter goo, Morty. It's too late now anyway. Lets just hit blitz and chips and head home."

"Aw man, you really mean it?"

"Y-yea- Sure, why not?"

"Ok, cool, Gee Rick, thanks!"

"No, Not a problem little buddy, b-but I am driving, pulling that ignition the way I did...that… wow, that is going to be pricey, Morty. The asymmetric Eather drive coils are going to be completely fried. L-like I am going to be re-real lucky if I can afford gas next month."

"I'll do what I can to help, Rick." Morty said. "You don't...why don't I do something to make this up to you? It's partially my fault, ya' know."

"Y-yeah like what Morty? With your broke ass, seven dollars an hour ass funds, Morty?"

"Ya' know, I was thinking something a little less in the financial department."

"Oh? Like what, what can you do to fix t-this multi-million dollar machine? What do you know about calibrating a dual hypothalamic engine? Yes, Morty, parts of my ship are organic of n-nature. They aren't in pain, Morty. It, I- you know, I understand why the galactic federation may have made it illegal to do that type of thing, Morty, but I am a genius, Morty. Those things don't apply. Not to me. Not to someone who can do it right, Morty. What are you going to do to help fix my ship, Morty?"

"Rick, you know I can't do anything like that," Morty said, looking down and fiddling with the baby hairs on the back of his neck. " B-but you know, I give a killer massage. I could, if you want, I could do that?"

"Huh. Was-OUGH-n't, wasn't expecting that." Rick replied. He looked Morty up and down as if sizing him up. " You know what? Yeah. Ok. I-I could use a good massage. But- but first Morty, FIRST, we P-A-R-T-Y!" Rick kicked open the glove box and pulled out two more flasks, and tossed one to him.

The days just rolled on by after that. Morty didn't have any other "feelings" toward Rick. It was pretty great. He was cured of the awkward friction that had kept him tethered to the past, to that awful night of drug abuse gone wrong, and the relationship between him and Rick and never been better. Morty, for all his continued lack of competence, even found a way to earn Rick's appreciation. He out drank him.

"I-I always knew you h-OUGH-ad, fuck me, that you had it in you, Morty." Rick had said before passing out on the blue planet Morshersporg. Everything was blue, very pretty sunsets. It had to be near sunrise at that time though. Morty was only just lucid, and feeling on top of the world as he dragged Rick back through the portal and tossed him into his grey office seat in the garage, but not before drawing the phrase "I like sloppy dick" on his face with a red sharpie.

They saved the world twice. Once from pine needle tree branch assassins. Who, ya' know, who knew they would get so upset if you mentioned your fondness for red maple trees. They, I guess they have a feud going on or something.

The other was a little closer to home. Beth wanted Jerry to dominate her for a night for a change so she "borrowed" some testosterone liquid that Rick was still testing and well, you know how some animals eat their young to get rid of the competition? Yeah. He basically claimed himself a deity. All were his children. They lost a couple neighbor's and a grandma from the grocery store before Rick figured it all out.

The rest of their time spent together was exclusively catching up on interdimensional tv and pigging out in their underwear on the couch. Jerry decided some time outside would be good for him, so he booked a cabin in the Rockies and stayed there. After a few days, a very frustrated Beth put yellow hazard tape around the couch for disposal and ordered a new one online before packing her things and driving up to join Jerry.

It was 5 am when Rick kicked open Morty's door on Friday morning. Christmas morning. Only two days left before he had to head back to college.

"Morty! This is big, Morty! The world is in danger. Wake up you little shit."

"Oh- ow my fucking head. God Rick, what...can't the world wait till 9, or at least let me have some coffee first." Morty groaned.

"Oh, I am so sorry. I didn't know you were such a sensitive bitch now, Morty. Yeah, by all means. It is only an invasion. They are great big testicle monsters with twenty eyes and their main nutrition is the human brain, Morty. Hundreds of them! They get off on it Morty, like an aphrodisiac- we are the chocolate of their existence, Morty. "

"Aw Jeez, what do we do Rick? I have- I have so much to live for still. I haven't even been snorkeling yet!"

"That is terrible, Morty! Everyone should go snorkeling once in their life! I, if we live through this, I'll take you to a planet were snorkeling is the best in the universe. Remember never go deeper than four feet on that planet thought, C-cuz if you do they have this rule that if you do, you are defying their existence. You are basically giving them the bird, Morty. "

"Riiiick! The invasion!"

"Huh? Oh yeah. Ok, I have a plan, Morty. You aren't going to like it though."

"I never do, Rick."

"I know, Morty. No-Now strip. I have to use you as bait."

"They just want my brain though right? Why do I have to be naked? It's Christmas. It's snowing… can't I keep my clothes?"

"This step is vital, Morty. I didn't want to mention it before, but they like penis too Morty. You have to show them your penis, Morty. Better if you can wank it in front of them. The- the harder it is, the better this will work."

"Oh-oh I can't do that! Rick! I can't-"

"Don't tell me your shy Morty! Don't be the dweeb, a- a cunt, Morty. Be the savior of humanity, Morty. Go blow your load on a testicle monster, Morty, so I can destroy them."

"No, Rick, I mean I really have a problem here, I haven't been able to-"

"God damn it, Morty, just- just… here. Use this magazine, Morty. Now get your ass outside before we are enslaved an-and forced into reproduction for these creatures so they can bite off our dicks. I like my dick, Morty." Rick screamed at his as he ripped his clothes off, handed him a walkie- talkie, and shoved him out the door.

Fuck it was cold.

He could see the ships, the monsters were already slugging their way around the street. They really were just testicles with twenty eyes, no legs. They propelled themselves by bouncing one nut in front of the other. Morty ran as fast as he could to main street.

"Here! Over here! You bunch of ugly ass, dick eating, hairy nut sacks!" Morty called. It was working hundreds of eyes turned toward him and began squelching their way to him. Damn it! They had teeth. Oh god. Rows and rows of teeth!

Lord let his dick not get chewed off by these demonic dangly bits.

Taking a deep breath, he climbed on top of a pet store roof and grabbed his wang.

"Y-yeah this is what you want? Want this here? Right here? Come get my load you, fuck- fuckers!"

Stroking hard and fast, Morty desperately tried to make himself ready. The bean bag monsters were using their teeth to climb up toward him. He closed this eyes tightly. Jessica Alba. Monica Bellucci. Jennifer Lawrence. Megan Fox...Morgan...Jessica...Tiffany… anybody...please.

Nothing was working. It was too cold, and his life was at stake.

"Rick…" Morty frantically spoke into the walkie-talkie. "It's not working Rick. My dick is broken. I can't get it up. I haven't been able to get it up in so long."

"Morty what? Mention this before I send you out to save the world with your dick, Morty!"

"I tried, you, you, you wouldn't listen, Rick!" Morty cried. "What do I do? What do I do? The monsters are leaving!"

"God, Jesus C-Christ. Morty you HAVE to do this. Do whatever you need to do. Pull out your phone. I mean you don't have your phone, but ha- you have to imagine it, Morty. Acrotomophilia. Coprophilla. Bukaki, Morty. Anything… anything you want."

"Nothing is working!"

"Damn it. Morty… the world is at stake here! Can't you- do you understand the severity of this? We, we are all going to die!"

"I have tried everything!"

Not everything a dark something whispered in the back of Morty's mind.

"No… not that…." Morty whispered.

"What!?" Rick's voice crackled through the speaker. "Do you have something?"

Morty looked at all the people getting their brains sucked out through their nostrils. The wailing and screams were terrible.

"I...maybe, I might have something. I don't know though...I never...I've never…" Morty fumbled.

"Do it, Morty. I don't care. Just do it!"

Morty stood tall and took his dick in his hand. Some of the family-jewel monsters stopped to look at him.

Ok, let's do this. He thought of Grandpa Rick... and suddenly life stirred down below. Oh god… what have I become… Morty thought.

"I-Its working!" Morty said into the device just so he could hear the object of his fantasies say "Good job, Morty! Keep it come. More, Morty. I- You got to give me, More!"

"Oh….Oh….Yes…"

"Morty this is not enough, I am serious, we only have minutes here!"

"Rick… you…oh god…. You have to say my name, Rick."

"What?"

"Say my name, Rick."

"Me? You're picturing me!? God that is sick, Morty."

'Please, Rick!" Morty begged. Then softer, knowing he could appeal to his grandfather better if he wasn't yelling. "Please...I-I need you. I need your help to-to do this. I need you, Rick. Please…."

"..."

"..."

"...Morty…" Rick said.

It was...god… it was everything. Everything he had ever imagined. Rick's voice was so deep, so soft. Full of desire. Something very few people got to hear, Morty imagined. "Yeah...yes...again. I have to hear it again...please!" Morty asked.

"Yeah...yes...again. I have to hear it again...please!" Morty asked.

"Morty….Morty…." Rick said again. Just as good. No, better than the first time.

"… "

"Hey, Morty?"

"Yes, Rick?" Morty stroked long and slow. His nerves were on fire. Tingling, oversensitive and overstimulated. If just Rick's vocal chords could do this to him...god...what could his fingers do? What could his b-body do?

"You're doing great, Morty. A little more…" Rick breathed. There was a little moment of pause, but Morty could tell he still had the button pressed down because he could hear his breathing, cool and a little ragged. "Morty….give me you everything you got. Give it to me, Morty. Come for me. Only for me, Morty."

Oh fuck. It was too much, Rick begging him. Morty came.

A blue pulse zapped through the town. The monsters grew twice their original size and exploded. Some veiny goop got on Morty's shoulder. He scampered down the side of the building, burning with his shame, his body flushed with it, even the cold air couldn't cool him. He could never go home now, he knew. He had ruined everything...for good.

Trying not to hyperventilate, he ran the opposite direction from everything he had ever wanted.