Chapter 4
Morty always kept funds placed around town in different spots. You never know when Rick was going to leave him stranded, maimed, or passed out drunk in the streets with no way home. He hopped on bus number 118 and ignored the wide range of outraged and offended stares. Then he bought himself some things. Clothes, a phone, a rental bike, and a new favorite shirt. It was black, like his soul. ...And for kicks, because if you couldn't laugh at yourself when you find out you have a sexual attraction to a mad scientist who is also thrice your age and your Grandfather- what was the point in life, he grabbed a coat that said 'Go White America! Yeah, I said it. Fuck it, I am going to hell anyway.'
Petaling sixty miles on Christmas really sucked. His phone pinged with a text from Rick. "Where the fuck are you, Morty?" He shouldn't have been surprised that Rick already had his new number...hell, Rick probably had him tagged like a pet in his sleep or something.
He couldn't do, couldn't handle this right now. Morty shut his phone off and kept pedaling.
"Hey, dawg. Man wake up! It is time for class." Jeffery said, shaking his shoulder.
"Just leave him… he has been like that since he got back." Morgan replied for Morty. "Want to walk me to class, handsome?"
"Sure. Yeah, baby. See you, Morty." Jeffery said.
"Bye, Morty," Morgan said, her voice full of a sympathy he didn't think her capable of. She had really surprised him. They had ended it, whatever it was, pretty quickly after he returned, but she was just there for him. Keeping him fed. Keeping him sane.
The door snapped shut. Final. The end. Morty didn't move.
**Beep** "..."
** Beep ** "Heard you're back! What the fuck man? A bicycle? You are one crazy fucker! Party tonight at my place, awww yeah!"
**Beep** "Hey sport, last weekend was probably the most relaxing time I have had in a long long time with your Mother. Y-you think we could do it again...soon? Rick….he...he has been doing nothing except staring at me menacingly for two days straight. Even when I am in the shower…"
**Beep** "..."
**Beep** "Honey, please, we are begging you… talk to Dad. Take him out for the weekends at least. I need a break and Jerry has been in intensive care three times this month. We can buy you a car. We can pay you. We will buy you….weed?"
**Beep** "..."
**Beep** "Oh my god, Grandpa Rick is psychotic! What did you fucking do, Morty!? He threw a fucking iron cast skillet at me when I asked how you were doing! He pulled it out of the OVEN, Morty, it burned through my favorite top! "
**Beep** "..."
**Beep** "* glass shattering* Jerry's soft sniveling sobbing noises.* "H-help me. Help me."
**Beep** "..."
**Beep** Hello Mr. Smith, this is Janice Williams from NASA. I am the head ground commander of top secret deep space project set to launch this week... do the words "You are a dip-ass, Morty." mean anything to you? We found it written in some sort of foreign goo on our shuttle this morning."
**Beep** "..."
**Beep** "..-OUGGGGH-.."
**Beep** " Hey man! Biiiiiig party tonight! I know you missed the last eighteen parties, but whos counting, but you can't do that this time. Can't wait to see you there!"
Morty checked his voice messages for the first time in three months, then tossed it on the bed. He could care less what Rick did. It wasn't his problem. The last week he had been feeling more like himself. Tonight, Morty was going to get more fucked up than he had ever been before and he wasn't going to let the haunting memory of Rick Sanchez whispering his name get in the way.
"Hey Jeffery. Y-yeah man, I am good. Hey listen, so I want to do something differ- bi- something totally different and awesome tonight. Put the word out- a thousand dollars down for anyone who can out drink me. No limit. " Morty said, then he hung up, not giving Jeffery a chance to answer. Grabbing his water jug, he began chugging. Hydration was an important part of not passing out.
The party wound up being at a small high school football stadium three towns away because everyone who was anyone was there. The stands were almost packed. No less than one hundred people wanted in on this, and Morty was just fine with that.
"Aw jeez, Jeffery...is this even legal…?" Morty asked as they, Morgan, and the new girl on Morty's arm, Alex, walked across the turf toward nearly twenty coolers and a large beer pong set up.
"Not to worry my man, we decided to charge a ten dollar buy-in. Your legendary drinking skills have made us a bunch of cash, we paid off the ground rental and almost doubled the reward!" Jeffrey replied.
Alex giggled like a school-girl, twisting a strand of faded purple hair around one finger. "You're so popular! It's a good thing I am here. Have to let the girls know you are- All. Mine. " She whispered the last two words to him and Morty fought to roll his eyes.
"Yeah, yep. Y-you do that, uh, babe." Morty said placing an arm around her shoulder.
Morgan caught his gaze and narrowed her eyes. He shrugged and raised an eyebrow as if to say, what? She dropped her head down to look at her shoes, like he had really hurt her. Morty didn't know… maybe he had…
Waump. Waump. Wa-Wa-Wa-Waump. The music pounded through the ground and up against Morty's teeth as they approached the beer-pong table. A ring of nearly two hundred people surrounded it and more were pouring in. Jeffrey jumped up on the table and started cracking jokes about college, giving a rather great speech about getting fucked up, and giving a shout out to Morty, 'the man who made all this possible.' Jeffery said, holding a hand out to him. Morty took it and pulled Jeffery in for a hug, "T-thanks, dawg, but ya' know, you did all the- you did all this."
Jeffrey just winked and held out the microphone toward him. Morty looked at it for a minute, then grabbed it. He was tired. He didn't want to talk, he just wanted to drink, but he also didn't want to disappoint all these people. So Morty kept it short, "Hell yeah, thanks, Jeffrey. I am going to go all out tonight, get, get, ready! The first person takes the prize, first p-person who can make me pass out, gets the money."
"Yeah, baby!" Alex shouted.
"Hah, thanks! B-babe." Morty said to humor her. "Th-that's my girl right- right- over there. I am going to-to do her SO hard tonight!" Morty yelled. Everyone cheered. Everyone except Morgan. She scoffed and walked to the cooler to grab a beer, then back to jump on the table, ass jiggling in a way that made Morty almost give an appreciative growl, and shoved it into Morty's chest.
"Get over yourself, asshole," Morgan said.
Taken aback, Morty blinked at her. She narrowed her eyes again before jumping off the table, leaving him alone on it and joining Jeffrey.
"Ok guys let's do this, who's first?" Jeffery said and several people stepped forward. Morgan eyed them up and down and picked a rough biker looking type with a skull tattoo where his hair should have been. Everyone clapped as he joined Morty on the table.
"Hey m-man, name- what's your name?" Morty asked.
"Skulker."
"Wow. Well, Ok, that's, uh, bad ass. Ok , you ready?"
"I eat boys like you for breakfast."
"Alright, Jesus."
Pop. Pop. Went the beer taps.
Jeffrey started counting backward into the microphone. " Three, Two, On-"
They never got a chance to start.
A flash of green. Then… " WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUBBB! A-Alright you bu-OUGH-ch of cunts, where is money? Where is the loser that has m-my mone- Morty!?"
"Grandpa Rick!? W-what the hell are you doing here!"
Noob Noob came in right behind Rick and the portal shut down with a BZZZEEEUUU sound. "Ohhhhhh, GOD DAMMMMN!" He said with a grin. Without looking away from Morty, Rick pulled out his laser pistol and shot Noob Noob.
Noob Noob fell and started coughing up blood. "O-oh….g-god-d d-d-damn…"
Everybody ignored him.
"A guy uptown sa-OUGH-id, said this was the place to be. Money Morty, a prize Morty, I win by default, where is it?"
"Get out of here, Rick. This is my party, y-you don't belong here."
"Fuck you, Morty. I ca-can go anywhere I fucking please, Morty. Your party, my, my, my ass, Morty. I own the universe, Morty."
"This is my contest, Rick. I am the one to out-drink, to be out-drunk, I am the one to beat, Rick. My contest, my rules. You can't participate."
"Oh shit, th-this is going be easy. I am going fi-OUGH-rst, first." Rick said, pushing past people.
Collectively the crowd began to part for him. Damn it! Morty thought. Why? Why did he have t-that effect on people? His hands began to sweat.
Jeffrey stepped in Rick's way as he was about to step up on the table. "Sorry my man, you heard Morty. You can't play."
Morty's eyebrows rose. What a good friend.
Rick fished a handful of one dollar bills out of his lab coat and sprinkled them in front of Jeffrey, then he placed a hand on Jeffrey's shoulder. "Get out of my way son."
A shiver slipped down Morty's spine. Rick's voice, it promised so much….so much pain. Morty had never heard his Grandpa talk like that before.
"It, its fine. If that asshole thinks he can win, let him through. I'll d-do it. He needs to be knocked down, ya' know, down a few notches." Morty said angrily. He'd make Rick regret threatening Jeffrey.
Slowly Morgan strode forward, grabbed Jeffrey's arm, and tugged him gently back into the crowd.
Rick looked up to Morty. Morty glared at him. Rick broke contact quickly and walked over to kick one of the coolers.
"W-what the shit, the fuck is this piss water, Morty."
"I'll drink whatever you got, Rick."
"Oh, I got something for you to drink." Rick chuckled darkly.
Morty blinked. Did he just…? Nah. Weird...
"Ye-yeah, um, so...let's do this," Morty said. Rick stumbled upward onto the pong table. It was a pretty sorry sight to watch. Morty put his head into one of his sweaty palms.
"Yo-you're too OLD for this, Rick." Morty lied. "Just cut your losses."
"You w-wish Morty. Hang on, Morty. I have to prepare, I have to do something. Real quick."
"Aw Jeez, Rick. What now?"
Rick held a finger right up to Morty's face. Morty smacked it away. Ignoring it, with his other hand, Rick put two fingers way back deep into his throat and heaved. The crowd make a sound of disgust and backed away as he vomited.
In his booze riddled vomit, a familiar blocky metal character righted itself and wheeled away.
"Butter-bot?" Morty said.
The bot halted, looked up at him and lifted his arms. "Kill. Me." It begged.
"R-re-pr-OUGH-programmed him, I gave him a new purpose. He is responsible for repairing organs, Morty."
"A...aw jeez. Oh god."
"Yep. You're looking at a man with a new liver, Morty. You really don't want to know how I got him in my body, Morty. It- It was pretty painful- you see I-"
"That's ok, Rick. I really don't want to-"
"I had to shove him up my rectum, Morty. W-way WAY up my butt-hole, Morty."
"Yeah great, Rick. Ca-can we do this now, please."
"Sur-Whatever."
"What are we drinking?" Morty asked.
"What do y-you think, dummy?" Rick responded. He opened another portal, walked in, and returned with an armful of flasks.
"Oh my god, Rick!"
"Yeah….I, I, I have been kind of getting carried away….You-you know, la-OUGH-tely. Recently."
Morty looked from the shining flasks to his Grandpa's face, which was paler than usual. The under-flesh of his eyes were dark grey. "Rick...hey….are you ok?"
Rick's unibrow scrunched down hard. "What the fuck do you care, Morty."
"..."
"..."
"Yeah, you're right, Rick. I don't."
Rick dropped the flasks, they clattered loudly on the table. He stepped in real close and poked Morty's chest hard with one finger. "Y-Yeeeeah, we both know how much you care, don't we Morty?"
Morty flushed. He felt sweat threaten to drip into his eyes. He couldn't pull away from those eyes, they had him captured, they were trying to tell him something. What the hell did Rick want from him?
Morty back-petaled a few steps, stopped, and then bent down to grab a flask. He twisted the top with jerky motions and tipped his head back. He guzzled it. It burned way back in his throat. When he finished, Morty tossed it, harder than he meant to, aside, and wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve.
Tentative and unsure, the crowd let out a pathetic cheer, almost as if it was crushed under the intensity of what was going on, even if they didn't know what it was. Morty was suddenly aware of their presence again. Rick flinched and then seemed to pull himself together as well, relaxing his shoulders. Tall. In control. He grabbed a flask and followed suit.
"Alex, baby, come up here. Grab me another will you?" Morty said in his most seductive voice.
Alex was an oblivious girl. She bobbed up and down in delight. "Ok, pumpkin-pie."
"Ew." Rick said.
Morty cleared his throat uncomfortably but kept it cool. Alex handed him another, then melted into his side like she belonged there. Morty drank it and then kissed her shoulder.
Rick drank three flasks in quick succession.
**14 Flasks Later**
"-An-And then on the last ball- fondlers they invaded the f-fucking white house, Morty."
"Oh m-man, that's cool Ri-OUG-ck!"
"Oh ho ho! Morty, a- ah old chip off the ol' bl-OUGH-ck"
**Two portal trips for more flasks later**
"She-she left me, Morty. Unity. God, I, I, I loved her, Morty. I really loved her. I mean, yeah I loved your grandma, Morty. You never met her, Morty. B-but Unity, she, wow, she was something else."
"I-totally...I understand -I get you, Rick."
"I know you do, M-morty. OUGH. I know you do."
** A total of 107 flasks later**
The crowd, long forgotten by the two competitors stares with eyes-and jaws, wide open. The sight is almost more than what they can bear. Both are sweating profusely, Morty has already tossed his cookies on the ground twice.
Noob Noob, using only his hands to shuffle him along, made it to the front of the crowd and stole Rick's portal gun, then created an exit for himself to the nearest advanced alien medical facility.
Morgan and Jeffrey left two hours ago to shag...the dynamic of Rick and Morty was just too much for them to handle...
Alex is sobbing on the grass several feet away because Rick had pushed her off the table and broke her arm in the process. Rick has Morty in a headlock. Morty is biting Rick's bad leg as hard he can. Both take breaks in their physical abuse only because of Squanchy and Bird-person, called by Rick thirty minutes before, forcibly pulled them apart so they just scream at each other from opposite sides of the table.
"-Why do you have- You little shit- to be such-I told you destroying- a total asshole rick -was an accident, Morty-with your fucking asshole s-self Rick, e-e-everything is your fau-helped you bury the body, Morty!- Everything, it's all your fault-Oh, Oh yeah Morty, chalk it all up to my fault again, Morty!- You act like a god, Rick, but you are really-I get it, Morty, being inferior to me is no fun- just a piece of shit. A piece of shit covered, shit stained, piece of shit Rick. -But at least I don't think my of my Grandpa while- HEY! YOU, don't you bring that up here, Rick, in front of these all these p-people, Rick!- Whe-OUGH-re, Where am I supposed to bring it up, Morty!? You fucking bailed on me Morty, You-Can't talk about BAILING, Rick.-Oh here we go again-Running away from all your problems you've ever faced, Rick- well then I, I guess that makes two of us HUH? Morty?-Don't have to take this shit from you, Rick.-Good riddance, you little bitch!-I'm done, Rick-Not going to sit here and listen to this bullshit, Morty. -
"I don't need you, Rick!"
"I don't need you, Morty!"
Everything fades to black.
It was midnight….one half a year after "the incident".
Morty had said all he needed to say that night. He guessed his Grandfather had as well. Rick stopped harassing Jerry, ya' know….for the most part. Morty resumed going to classes and he had a very successful on and off relationship with Morgan. Most days they could pretend that nothing ever happened between them. No more voicemails. No more dirty thoughts.
Things were just….boring. Or so Morty thought.
Morty was sleeping peacefully, snuggled under the sheets, surrounded by no less than twenty beer bottles, just a light nightcap before bed.
Then, a zap of green.
"Waaaaahhuahhhhh-" Morty shrieks awake as a rough hand grabs his foot. Along with the hand are giant red tentacles protruding from the portal.
Rick's head popped through. "Ahh! I am going to die, Morty! Help! Help! I-I can't do this without you, Morty! The Morgenflarfs are a hardy race, Morty! I am not in control of this, adventure I-"
"Ah! No Rick, n-no! Don't! Stop pulling me."
"You gotta do this, Morty, the Universe is at-"
"I don't care, Rick! I have calculus in the m-morning and I, I'm not doing so hot."
"Calculus...CALCULUS! F-Fuck calculus, Morty!"
"Stop pulling me, Rick!"
"Move your ass, Morty! These things have already taken over Colorado, Morty! I loved that state, Morty!"
"Rick, Oh Whoa OHHH! I can't do this today, Rick!"
"I-I'll help you with your- cal-cal-math homework, Morty, I'll make this up to you, Morty, I promise..."
"Woooooahoooo, No! Rick! NOOOO!" With one last tug, Morty was sucked into the portal. It disappeared.