Re: Zero does not belong to me.

Chapter 3: The white knight we needed...

What the fuck.

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...

No, really, WHAT THE FLYING FUCK WAS THAT?!

How in the hell am I supposed to deal with that?! Felt was moving like a damn cyclone and she was slashed to pieces in seconds! That was not a starting level boss battle at all! This is not how it's supposed to go! I'm supposed to work my way up through minions and tutorial bosses, right? God fucking dammit!

...

Okay, I'm calm now, I'm calm now. Which is good, because Appa man is really starting to give me weird looks.

Appa man? Ah, no, I really am looping. What kind of shitty ability is this? I'd take an enchanted sword or an OP ability any day, thanks. This… Death Loop? Groundhog Soul? Auto-Save? Gate of Steiner? Whatever I call it, getting killed seems to be the only way to activate it, which is the worst requirement ever, thanks.

Mr. Appa sat me down behind his stall, sitting on the ground, clutching a bucket that I had probably thrown up in already. He was surprisingly sweet, and I realized it probably not the first time he's had to put up with some stupid kid who looks like she's had one too many.

Mr. Appa sat down in front of me, handing me a glass of water, a piece of fruit and a glare that looked like something my father would wear after I got in trouble at school. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking? And so early in the day?"

"I haven't been drinking." I insisted. "I just got some bad news." I said glumly.

"Finally sunk in, did it?"

"Yeah, you could say that." More like it tore into me just two minutes ago, but I can't afford to look any crazier than I already do.

The man looked at me blankly, but I could tell he was struggling to say something. Understandable, nobody wants to accidently pry into somebody's sensitive business. I guess he opted for a safer topic. "Is there someone you can talk to? Friends? Family?"

"No, I'm from a far away country. I'm… I'm alone here. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure, where I am." I think that's when it finally sunk in for me. I'm in a strange land and the only people I can call friends were a cat spirit and a girl I who was going to be murdered in a few hours. Even my old social life was better compared to my current state.

"That explains the clothes. Look, kid," he started awkwardly. "You don't seem like a bad kid, and I don't know what kind of trouble you got yourself into."

"I didn't. The trouble found me."

"Well, whatever happened, I'm sure you can find people here who can help. I don't know what it's like where you're from, but they take care of kids here in Lugnica. They got good homes, and places for work… Oi, what's so funny?"

I couldn't help but smile. This guy, this total stranger… was trying to rehabilitate me? I think I've hit a new low. I've never felt more pathetic in my life, and considering my hobbies, that's saying something.

"I'm sorry, it's just… I wasn't really expecting that. You look kinda rough, but you're a real softy, aren't you?"

"Oh, fuck off." You may say that, old man, but I can see through it! I see the embarrassed blush on your face, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It makes sense, really. No-one can raise a kid that cute without getting a soft side. Hell, that little girl's adorableness might even crack that psychopath.

"Still, I appreciate it. But that's not the kind of help I'm…"

I could have killed myself. On purpose, this time.

The hell was I thinking? I couldn't tackle this alone. These had magic and superpowers on their side. The only hax ability I have is the Return by Death (name under consideration), but that is the literal definition of a last resort.

Well, if villains and magic had superpowers, there were definitely others that had the same. But how can I convince them to fight something like that?

Oh, duh. Money. And according to Old Man Rom, I got a nice source of that in my pocket.

"Hey, this may sound like a weird question… but is there a place I can hire someone for… uh…" Crap, how do I put this? However, Appa did not let me finish.

"Stop right there. I don't what you're thinking, and I don't wanna know, but I'll tell you now: Mercenaries don't have much of a place in the capital. Too close to the Royal Guard for any real business. You understand?"

Oh, I understood. Don't start any trouble, and if you're going to anyway, keep it subtle, and keep it away from the men in uniform. No wonder Rom and Felt were so paranoid. But this 'Royal Guard' had possibilities.

"Hey, old man, where can I find these Guards?"

I found myself in the barracks of the city's Royal Guard, a stupidly big building for a glorified police station. Then again, the police stations I know carry guns not swords and war hammers (seriously though, war hammers?). Mr. Appa, whose name I keep forgetting to ask, told me the Royal Guard were the elite fighting forces of Lugnica, defending the crown, and destroying the enemies of state. Definitely people I wanted on my side.

At the very least, I thought they would know something about Elsa. They must have people who keep track of criminals and assassins, right? Like a 10 Most Wanted list or something.

If I'm lucky, maybe I can find another main character. You know, the one with the real hax item/ability. The one stupid enough to take the word of a weirdly dressed girl, just because.

And boy, did I hit the jackpot.

Reinhard van Astrea was handsome, noble, just and according to his title, a swordsman unlike any other. He looked perfect, he acted perfect, he was what other knights strove to be, what ladies dreamt of as they sang folk songs about chivalry.

God, I wanted to punch him.

Setting that aside, I wasn't really the one to approach him, even though he kinda stands out. Red hair seems to be rare in this world too. I just approached the front desk, where other people had lined up to gripe about their problems, everything from pleas to guard farms from bandits, to reporting thefts and other crimes.

Basically it was just like a mercenary outpost, except these guys get paid less.

It was finally my turn, and the receptionist, or whatever the position is called in this world, greeted me with possibly the most apathetic expression I have ever seen. "How may we help you?"

I wasn't gonna get anywhere with this shrew. "I need to report crucial information about a dangerous criminal."

The woman sighed, the sigh of someone who had been through one too many false alarms. Look, I get it, but can we try again and you pretend you actually give a shit? "Name?" she asked, her quill poised over a document.

"Elsa Granhiert."

Silence.

Oh no, what did I do now?

The civilians seem to be carrying on as usual, but even they had been caught up in the sudden wave of silence, looking around in confusion. The soldiers and employees though, looked like they had just witnessed murder. The woman in front of me suddenly looked very interested.

"Young lady, you should know that it is illegal to make a false statement to the Royal Gu-"

"I am not lying!" Okay, what did I just set off here? "Listen, I know where that woman is going to be and I can lead you to her."

"Elsa Granhiert has not been seen in years." She hissed, no she seriously hissed at me. "There is serious work being done here, and the Royal Guard does not have time to entertain the flights of fancy of a little-"

"Now, now." Enter side character. "Forgive, but I couldn't help but overhear." He flashed an oh-so-charming smile at the receptionist, which somehow made her blush. Oi, control yourself lady, he's like half your age. "Thank you for your service, Ms. Talbot, I'll take it from here."

"Sir Astrea, please don't trouble yourself with this rascal. I'll have security escort this little gir-"

"Ok, if you're gonna insult me, do it to my face! I'll show you how much trouble this little girl can give you! And you get your hands off of me!" I said (I may have shouted), shaking off the hand on my shoulder.

"Alright, perhaps we should all calm down. Thank you again, Ms. Talbot. Young miss? If you would please follow me?" He kept smiling, but it was definitely a bit more strained. Oh, I get it, this guy was the classic crowd-pleaser. Wants to keep everyone happy. Good looks, high station, people pleaser. Classic riajuu.

But right now he was my best shot.

I followed him outside the barracks to an open area in the city, a fountain in the center and several eateries all around. It was on those shaded cafes where we got to talking.

"First of all, my lady, I must apologize for my colleague's rude behavior. But please understand that the 'Bowel Hunter's' reputation is fearsome, not just in Lugnica, but throughout the continent. Her name brings out much fear, and her feats are as legendary as her ability to evade us."

"Wow… I knew she was a psycho, but I didn't realize she was so well known. I'm a foreigner, and where I'm from I've never heard of her."

"Most people haven't heard of her here, either. But among the authorities, she is notorious. She is often called 'The Bowel Hunter', because of her preferred method of killing. Which is why it was so difficult to believe that somebody had obtained any information about her without so much as a scratch."

"Look, I didn't go looking for the bitch. Our interests just… conflicted."

"That makes your survival even more improbable."

Okay, I stand at a crossroads. If I explain myself here, I could get arrested. Maybe I should be subtle about this.

"I was interested in buying something with a… kind of sketchy background." I didn't have to elaborate. "Now, this was a very large purchase. Some people would pay as high as twenty holy gold coins for it." I didn't really understand how much that was worth, but Reinhard's eyes widened almost comically. "With the, uh, risky circumstances, it would only be right to do your due diligence, right?"

"And it was during this investigation that you encountered her."

"Uh-huh. I wanted to learn more about this person I was bidding against. So I tracked her down," Sorta. "and I found out who, and what she is."

"I'm afraid that the Royal Guard is not for eliminating business rivals."

"Oh, don't give me that." I dismissed his objection easily. "The Royal Guard catches criminals right? And Granhiert is such a big fish that her name terrified everyone in the barracks. And think about it! What does some big shot assassin want with a shiny insignia anyway? To dazzle her targets to death? You have to inves-" I had to stop, because Reinhard stood up so quickly, he knocked the table. He drew himself up to his full height, his eyes glaring down on me like icicles.

Okay, that was kind of hot.

"Describe this insignia."

"Wait what?" was my oh-so-eloquent reply. For the love of- wha is it with everybody and this damned insignia! Damn it, Satella, couldn't you have just kept a better hold of it? Not that I'm blaming you or anything. No, never.

"Lady Subaru, please forgive my rudeness, but I must demand that you describe this insignia. With as much detail as you can remember!"

"It's just some little trinket. It's black, with kind of swirly golden designs. Oh! It's also got like a ruby or something in the center. Do you know what it is?"

Reinhard sighed. "Something extremely important, that should not be in the hands of a commoner, much less a beast like Granhiert." He slumped back down into his seat. Actually, he didn't slump, he managers to express his disbelief in a high class fashion. Classic riajuu.

"Now, will you take my case?"

"Oh, I was going to take it anyway. But now I'm just slightly more motivated."

"Ouch. A trinket is more important than a damsel's request?"

That earned me a laugh. "Haha! My lady, while I have only known you for an hour, I can safely say that you are no damsel. There is too much fire in you. And to clarify, I took the request, not because I saw a 'damsel' as you put it, but something far more intriguing."

Cute. But I notice you didn't deny my statement. "What did you see?"

"Somebody who is fighting a losing battle."

I didn't know how to respond to that. This guy was a soldier. No, not just a soldier, he was some kind of big shot. It was a safe bet to assume that he knows what people look like when fighting a battle that they know they can't win. What surprised me was the fact that I had already reached that point. I mean, I've only done this twi-

I stopped that train of thought. Only done this twice? Who the hell am I kidding? I've died twice. Painfully and brutally, completely at someone else's mercy. This wasn't a losing battle, it was a one-sided massacre.

Reinhard kept talking. "There is something you are not tell me. On my honor as a knight, I swear that I shall not pry further than what I have already observed. Whatever it may be, I shall aid you in this endeavor. But permit me to say this; this secret is deadly. Please be cautious when dealing with it."

I have a wry, knowing smile at the frowning knight. "Believe me Reinhard. This secret? I don't understand it myself. What I do understand, is my mission right here and now. And you're already helping me with that."

He accepted my answer with a slight smile. "Very well. Then let us discuss our plan of action. No doubt that this will be an interesting night."

I honestly couldn't resist. "I bet you say that to all the girls."

Hello, motherfuckers! Hope you enjoy this latest installment. I really have nothing more to say.