Chapter 3: Forgiveness

Lily tried to speak with Teddy over the next few weeks, but she knew he was avoiding her. He made sure to avoid any of their usual hang out spots, like Hagrid's or the astronomy tower. No matter how early she arrived for class, he would not emerge from his office until after the bell rang.

Lily figured she might have a good shot if she secretly stayed behind after class, but he would return to his office as soon as class was dismissed. Lily found out, however, that hammering on the door would lead to no results other than a hurt hand.

Lily knew that she had to wait for the next full moon if she was ever going to get Ted to talk to her again. She didn't want to invade Ted's privacy because only she knew where he went on those nights. She knew he liked to go alone on these nights, but she also knew this was the one place he couldn't avoid her. She had to make things right.

So, on the night of the full moon, she retrieved her father's old invisibility cloak, passed down from Harry to James to Al, and finally, to her, and headed down to the Great Lake.

It was easy to avoid Filch and Mrs. Norris with the cloak on, and once she made it to the Great Hall, Lily sped down to the lake and there he was. His hair had turned blue again. Not turquoise though, but the darkest shade of blue Lily had ever seen. She knew it was a sign of the pain he felt. Even in all the sadness tonight brought him, Lily couldn't stop admiring how beautiful he was.

As much as she wanted to, she knew there was nothing she could do to make him feel better. For his pain that night wasn't about Victoire or even her, but the loss of the parents he would never get to know. That's why he came out here every month of the full moon, to think about them.

Lily pulled the cloak off and was about to speak when Ted beat her to it. "I knew you would be here tonight." He sounded resigned. Lily, however, was determined to get her point across. "I came here to explain what happened with Vic."

She took a deep breath. "Yes, I knew about her and Davies. I walked in on them, and I gave her a week to confess, otherwise I was going to tell you, Ted! You have to believe that." Ted to a long swig out of a drink, and for the first time, Lily focused on the fire whiskey bottles at his feet. Lily could tell he definitely had quite a few.

"Look," Lily began, "I can understand why you were angry, but getting mad at me for something Vic did isn't fair. You know I would never want you to be hurt. I wanted to tell you as soon as I found out, but I thought it should come from her first! How could you blame for that?"

Ted sighed, "Lil, I don't blame you. I'm not angry with you. I avoided you because I was ashamed at how I acted towards you. I let my anger at Victoire get the better of me, and I know I lashed out at you unfairly. After how I acted, I knew I didn't deserve to even be around you. I still don't." He paused to take another drink.

Lily looked at Ted. There it was again, his need to take the blame for everything. Teddy always made sure to shoulder the responsibility for everyone else's actions, even if he had no fault in it. Like with Vic, Ted had no problem taking the blame for calling off the wedding.

He doesn't feel he deserves anything, so he blames himself for any ill situations that come his way. Lily rolled her eyes, "I think I can choose who deserves to be around me on my own, thanks."

Ted looked up at her with remorse in his eyes. "Please, forgive me, Lil. I didn't mean to hurt you in any way. Believe me, you're the last person I would ever want to hurt."

Lily sat down beside him. "Ted, it's alright. You were upset and angry. What Vic did..it was wrong. She deserved worse than what you even said to her, yet there you were, being the kindhearted and wonderful man I've always known."

Teddy rolled his eyes, "Yeah, I'm just so wonderful. So wonderful that my fiancé decided to cheat on me. With Davies of all people. You know he spits when he talks?"

Lily laughed for the first time in weeks. "Yeah, I've noticed. It just goes to show that she doesn't deserve someone like you. You're too good for her." Lily placed her hand on his.

Ted stopped and stared at her, in a way he had never looked at her before. For a second Lily thought he gave her the same look she gave him so frequently, but she knew that was impossible. It was absurd.

Lily, turning red, removed her hand from his, and continued quickly, "I'm sure you'll find someone else. Someone who deserves you." Lily looked back at Ted, but the look she imagined was gone, which only solidified her point that Teddy Lupin would never have feelings for her.

Ted drained the rest of the bottle, and made them all disappear with the flick of his wand. "I'm pretty sure I'm meant to be alone. Like my dad," he said, resigned. Lily looked at him, shocked. "But your dad married your mum! He was happy and in love."

Teddy laughed for a second, "No, I know that, but I asked Harry everything I could about my parents, and he was honest, which I appreciated. Yes, my parents were in love, but if Dad had had it his way, they would've stayed apart. Dad didn't feel like he deserved anyone, either, because he was a werewolf."

Ted sighed, "I know I haven't been through anything like that, but I still have had so many people sacrifice for me. My parents gave their lives, my grandmother raised me, and your whole family took me in as their own. And that doesn't even begin to describe how I've repaid everyone for their kindness."

Lily just stared at him, not knowing what to say. "I've been selfish, Lil. There were so many signs with Vic. I've known for a long time that she and I were never meant to be, but I held on. I didn't want to let go of the family I've had since I was young. I found myself wanting things I knew I could never have…"

He paused and stared at Lily. She thought she saw a small blush on his cheeks, but that could've been from the fire whiskey. "So," Ted continued, "I told myself Vic was the one for me. I knew it made Harry happy, Bill and Fleur, everyone.

"At one point, I could even tell it made you happy. I didn't want to let that go of that sense of family, because I knew if I ended things with her, it may all go away. I used Vic for my own personal gain. So, when I ended it and took the blame, it wasn't because of how "kindhearted and wonderful" I am. It's because I knew it was really my fault, for using her like that. That's why I deserve to be alone. I don't deserve you or your family."

Ted stood, a little unsteadily, and looked up at the full moon above them. "I love coming out here. It makes me feel a connection to my parents that I didn't know I had until I started Hogwarts. There's something about this spot and the light of the full moon, I almost feel their presence here with me."

Lily smiled up at him. How could he not see how amazing he was? Lily couldn't help feel even closer to him. He wasn't selfish, he just wanted family. Lily knew that after tonight, she could never love anyone more than she loved Teddy Lupin.

"So, for the record, you're not selfish. In fact, your explanation made you sound even less selfish than ever," Lily smiled.

"Believe me, I'm selfish in a way you will never know, Lil, and I'm going to be alone because of it. It's the best choice for everyone. I'm going to follow my dad's advice, and do what he did. Distance myself. From love, from everyone. It's the only choice."

Lily became angry. Who was he talking about distancing himself from? Victoire? Her family? Lily, herself? Lily began to feel tears streaming down her face. Was he really that upset with himself for ending things with Vic that he felt the need to ostracize himself from everyone? People who love him and have been there for him through everything?

Lily jumped up, fire blazing in her brown eyes. "And just who, do you think you're distancing yourself from?" Teddy looked away from her gaze. "Lil, you know how things are going to be, and I can't ask you to choose between me and your family."

"No one is going to ask me to! Your breakup with Vic won't have anything to do with how everyone sees you! How I see you!" Ted looked at her again, and before Lily knew what she was doing, she grabbed his face and kissed him.

Lily felt Ted freeze for the slightest second, but then his arms wrapped around her tightly as he returned the kiss in equal fervor. The kiss could've gone on for days. It was the most amazing feeling Lily had ever experienced. Everything felt perfect and right for the first time in Lily's life. She couldn't believe it. She was kissing Teddy Lupin, and more amazingly, he was kissing her back!

She felt every care in the world slip from her mind, nothing mattered in that moment besides the way his lips felt against hers. Every thought was disappearing; the thought of what her parents would think, the thought of Ted being her professor, and the thought of Victoire…

Victoire. The thought of her cousin made her pause and push Ted away. It wasn't because she felt an over amount of guilt, but the fact that Teddy had just ended his engagement with Vic only a few shorts weeks ago, mixed with the amount of alcohol he had drank tonight, made Lily believe that this kiss, the most amazing kiss she had ever had, couldn't be genuine on Ted's part.

He had recently been hurt. He was drunk. Anyone would get lost in a moment like this. He probably wouldn't even remember this tomorrow. A million thoughts were now racing through Lily's mind. How could she ruin her friendship with Ted this way? If somehow, he remembered this, what would he say? Lily didn't even want to think of his rejection. She wouldn't be able to bear it.

Lily looked up at Ted. He was looking at her as if he had never seen her before. "Oh God," Lily thought, "this is bad."

"I-I'm sorry. I don't know…what I mean is..I-I have to go," Lily stammered. Then, she did the best thing she could think of; she turned around and ran back to the castle, grabbing her invisibility cloak on the way.

Lily heard Ted call her name, but he did not follow her. When she finally made it back to the Gryffindor common room, she flung the cloak off and looked out towards the lake. She saw Ted look up at the moon, then slowly, he turned and made his way back up to the castle.

Lily went to bed feeling worse than she had when Ted was mad at her. How could she have been so stupid? Of course, Ted wasn't kissing her back because he had feelings for her. How could he? She was plain, clumsy Lily Potter. Why would he want her when he could have someone like her cousin? Plus, she was half his age. Ugh, she thought to herself, why must she be so stupid?

The only hope Lily had was that Teddy had had one too many fire whiskeys or her friendship with him was surely doomed.

One thing was very certain though; she was never going to get that kiss out of her mind.