Chapter 3: It's Not Murder if you Shout "SURPRISE" Before you Stab!
Carrie woke up, only to find herself, Izzy, Mack, and Anthony laying outside of a large mansion in a sunny, summer-eque environment. There were burds chirping, bugs bugging, and there was a beautiful Tim Curry in teh sky, just staring down on the world in an uncaring manner.
"Guys, get up!" Carrie shook the others to wake them up. While Izzy and Mack may have woken up frim her shakin, Anthony didn't, so she climbed up a pillar and gave him THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW right into his gut, and he wok up after that.
"Oh fuck ow that hurt! Bitch…" Anthony rubbed his aching tummy before looking around. "How long was I out for? Were WE out for?"
"Well, let's see…" Mack started judging the time. "According to the position of the Tim Curry, it's probably about 2:37pm and 41 seconds. Pretty early in the day, honestly."
"Well, fuck, let's go get some breakfast from this chucklefuck in the mansion!" Carrie then ran up to the door and kicked it in like a badass. But then it hit her, since it was a revolving door.
"Ah, good! The backup has arrived, jolly good show" an elderly butler, with a stereotypical british accent and typical butler attire, greeted Carrie and co. as they entered the manshun.
"Backup? No no no, BREAKFAST, That's why we're hear" Mack explained.
"Breakfast cannot be served until the MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-murdach! Has been soldved. Come this way, the investigator is waiting for you" the butler led everyone into the den, where a man in sherlock holmes (from the esrly 1900s) style investigator clothes was standing.
"About FOOKIN' time you guys got here! For FOOK's sake, man, I've been staring at this dead bastart for a good FIVE FOOKIN' minutes, mate!" the man turned around, and revealed himself to be FOOKIN' XtheDarkOne!
"FUCKIN' X! I didn't know you were a detective!" Mack greeted his pal with a slap on the shoulder.
"That's DETECTIVE FOOKIN' X to you! And of-FOOKIN'-course Imma detective, I got my license from a box of cereal, that I did. Think I was gonna just leave it alone like some dumb bastard? No FOOKIN' way! Anyways, you know this dead cunt ove'er?" X pointed at the corpse, which everyone recognized immediately.
"That's… Is that Buddy? Yup, that's buddy alright. I always knew that's how he would die: In the transition from our world to another via getting shat out an interdimensional ogre's ass" Carrie sighed as she looked at Buddy's corpse, which still had his D20 in hand. In his chest was a gun, buried up to the hammer.
"By the way I see it, he was stabbed to death with that there gun, right? But the question is, by WHO? It wasn't me, I was too busy taking a massive shit when it happened. I thought he was just screaming about the smell, on account of all them beans I's been eating, right?" X proudly stated his innocence.
"Well, then… who COULD it have been?" Izzy asked, looking to solve his friend's murder.
"Well, let's see here. We got that one edgy lookin' guy, I mean he's a real edgelord, through and through. Then there's that one guy that hates clothes and such, he's a good drinking buddy. Then there's the bird with the red hair and bored attitude, she's got a motive. Also could be that one gal that's always in fur coats like it's goddam winter in bloody Russia! Oh, I guess it could also be the butler, but c'mon, m8, that's too easy, it is" X listed the 5 potential killers. "Place is locked down, so they'll not be able to leave until later then. Should be easy to find them, just follow their theme music."
"Well, could you, maybe, come with us while we ask them things? I mean, you've got a gun, right? We don't. Unless you want to give us some guns…" Anthony asked.
"Fine, fine, fookin' pussies, I'll go with the lot of ya. But'cha better split up, cover more ground that way. Plus, I'm union, can't be doing too much, otherwise I'm in right deep shit" X begrudgedly went with Izzy and Carrie to talk to edgelord mcbadchildhood, while Mack and Anthony went off to speak with the nudist and the human icicle.
As Carrie, Izzy, and Detective FOOKIN' X went down the halls, Izzy heard something familiar. Something he had heard an ungodly amount of times before now, a specific theme song. Something that made him almost want to commit murder. They reached the room, and barged in to find Kirito and Asuna having a fight.
"FOR FUCKS SAKE, I DON'T LOVE YOU THAT MUCH! SO NO, I REFUSE!" Kirito shouted before noticing the three enter the room. "Oh, fuck, sorry. Just… ever have one of those things that… nevermind. So, what can I do for you?"
"What the fuck…?" Izzy mumbled in shock at seeing Kirito alive, even though he saw him get crushed a mere universe ago.
"Izzy, the fuck are you doing? Ask a question!" Carrie nudged him, unsure as to why he was so hesitant. Nothing was out of the ordinary here, other than anime being real. But as Purps said, this new universe will be WEIRD.
"Uhh, right, yeah. Um, sooooo, what you guys fighitng aboot?" Izzy asked, scratching the back of his head awkward;y.
"Nothing. Just about how OUR MARRIAGE IS A SHAM! And this was to be a getaway, too!" Kirito shouted in anger.
"Oh, pipe the fuck down, it's too early for this shit. Look, you're here about the stiff in the den, yeah? Honestly, we don't know anything about him. Hell, he just kinda… appeared, right as we went to, well, try and consumate 'our' love. And we've been up here ever since then. I've even got it on camera, since we were, well, you know…" Asuna pointed to the camera int eh cormer of teg rom.
"Ah, well, I'll just take that in fro… polive analizing. I mean, if it is what you say it is, I'm the best you could hope to have look at is. You can't spell 'sex' without Fookin' X!" X gloated as he went over to get the tape, while Izzy and Carrie whispered to each other.
"How is he alive? Didn't he get crushed before Shrek ate the universe?" Izzy asked quietly as he huddled up like a football huddle with Carrie.
"You been smoking, bro? You holding out on me? I'll fight you for it, cuz that sounds like some good shit there" Carrie replied, wanting in on whatever was making Izzy see crazy things like Kirito getting crushed.
"What? No, I, fucking hell, Carrie, this is serious! I mean, look at him, you mean you can-!" Izzy went to point at Kirito, but he wasn't where he last saw him. Instead, he was on the groudn, looking like a mummie, all dried out and rinkly. Asuna had been helping X with the tape, so there was no one else to have keeled him.
"Alright, everyone out, now! This is kinda deja vu, but not really exactly" Izzy commanded as he pushed everyone out of the room.
"Kirito died? Serves him right, not wanting to prove he loves me and make me a main character. Alright, I'll be in the spare bedroom if you need me. Later, bitches" Asuna then saunterd off to the otehr bedrum, and shut the door behind her.
"Well… let's go see if the others have gotten any luck" Carrie led the way to where Mack and Anthony had been going, only to find them in the hallway, staring at a map.
"What the heck are you doing? " Izzy asked, a bit angry at them.
"Looking to see if this place ahs an arcade, I could really go for some pucman right now" Mack answered.
"LATER, we'll play that LATER! For now, we got TWO murders to solve. Kirito was killed just a second ago. From SAO. That seem odd to you?" Izzy asked Mack.
"Not really, I mean, it was well known that he's been wanted by the mob for stealing laundered XP for some time now. I'm more surprised it took them this long to hit him. So, what about his widow?" Mack asked as they made their way to the other suspect's room.
"In the spare bedroom. And REALLY? No one here remembers him getting crushed in Boston?! Just… what the fuck ever" Izzy resigned as they reached the room. Inside, there was a man in boxers standing next to a woman in a thick fur coat and ushanka, who was having nosebled.
"Juvia thinks that Gray is fantastic! But… Juvia doesn't want babbies, Juvia wants Gray all to herself!" Juvia stared at Gray's toned, nearly nude bod before he spoke to the group.
"What do you want? Can't you see I'm trying to get a babby going on here? I'm a god-fearing catholic, I don't believe in condoms, they don't exist in the eyes of the lord" Gray mixed his greeting and rebuttal to Juvia in one sentence, to which Juvia ran out in an angry huff.
"So… marital issues?"Anthony asked.
"Yeah. I want a real kid, not one made of ice. But you're probably here for something important. Something go on? I've been trying to convince her to open her pod bay doors for babby making since last night, so I'm out of the know" Gray asked, rubbing his eyes in exhaustion.
"Yeah, there was a murder downstars, and one down in the wing opposite this one. Know about either?" Mack asked.
"Nope. If I did, I'd have used magic to figure this all out, either by stopping the killer, or freezing all the evidence in place" he demonstrated by freezing a vase in a block of lice.
"Cool" Carrie said in amazement.
"Fuck off, I've heard that a billion times, and it's never once been funny. Can I get some sleep now?" Gray asked before the group left the room, and snoring could immediately be heard coming from the room.
"Well, now what? Find Juvia and ask her about what she knows?" Anthony asked, and everyone agreed that it was probably better doing nothing.
After a good hour of lookign for her, they came up with nothing. How odd…
"Well, why don't we see if Asuna found her, or maybe Asuna is the killer. Either way, if we don't find her soon, I'll just guess by randomly presenting evidence to a judge" Carrie sighed, and X jumped in.
"Yeah, like you're a FOOKIN' Ace Attorney or somehting, right?!" X laughed boistrously. The gang then made their way to the spare bedroom, and slammed the door open. Inside was quite a sight to behold. Clothes were all over the floor, on the furniture, and on the bed were a butt naked Asuna and Juvia. Asuna was on all fours as Juvia fucked her in the ass with a strap on, and kept going even after seeing the others enter the room.
"Cheating on your husband, huh?" X asked, his index finger stroking his chin at the discovery.
"No! Asuna was just showing Juvia a way to have sex with Gray without making babbies, all because Gray doesn't believe in condoms!" Juvia explained as she smacked her hips against Asuna's rear.
"Well… I'd like to let you know that, unlike wherever you're from, you can't buttfuck unless you're in love. So unless you are, I'm going to have to take you in" X prepared his cuffs.
"Have you seen her curves!? I'm in love with her already, is that good enough?!" Asuna asked as she pointed out Juvia's luciuous curves.
"I mean, I think we ALL are in lvoe with those curves, right guys?" Carrie slapped everyone on the back, and then everyone nodded.
"Good enough for me, then. So, Juvia, you were fighting with Gray about babbies, yes?" X inquired as the lesbian fuckinge went on.
"Yes, which is why Asuna is showing Juvia how to fuck Gray without getting infected with babbies!" Juvia said as Asuna started cumming. And because it was two girls having sex, she came rainbows bacause it was LGBT sex and not hetero sex and everyone knows that when homosecuals cum they cum rainbows colored.
"Well then, I think we'll leave you ladies to it…" Izzy then shut the door. "Man, Asuna's a whore, fucking the first person she can after her husbando dies, huh?"
"Yeah, but it's Juvia. I'm sure we'd ALL do that if we could" Anthony reasoned before everyone went back to the den.
"Well, what do we know? It wasn't Gray or Juvia or Asuna, and Kirito's dead. So it has to be the butler!" Mack exclaimed excitedly.
"No, it couldn't be. Because I'm not a butler, I'm actually a hologram, I can't actually touch anything. See?" The butler then stuck his hand into a wall, leaving no damage.
"Well, shit. Okay, ti9me to put my detevtice skills to the test! Okay, okay, I KNO!" Carrie screamed! "IT WAS… IT WAS… VAMPIRES! THERE, CASE CLOSED!"
Just then, Dracula and his cousin, Blackula, appeared in a puff of bat-smoke.
"CURSES, HOW DID YOU KNOW, BLEH?!" Dracula shook his fist in anger.
"Simple, ofcourse. Only a vampire would have a gun sharp enough to stab through Buddy's adamantium skeleton, and only a vampire would be able to suck all the blood from a person's body!" Mack explained smugly.
"Actually, that's just a myth. Blackula doesn't suck blood, he scrapes and licks" Blackula then motioned wiht his tongue to show that he licks up blood.
"Oh, then how did htat happen then?" Izzy asked, perplexed.
"Um… well…" Dracula spoke up. "I saw the guy had a raging, two foot boner, so I asked if he wanted me to suck him off, and I did. I may have gone a bit overboard, but hey, it was the best nut of his life, I'm sure!" Dracula explained, and then everyone had a hearty laugh as the murder was solved, and the camera slowly zoomed out.
"THE FOOK ARE YA DOING, MATE?! THIS AIN'T A SITCOM, YA WANKER! Imma send these guys to prison, they're gonna get right fucked now, y'know that? Anyways, coppers'll be here in ten, I've got to go, got things to do" Detective X then lifted his leg and let out a colossal fart, and it propelled him up through the air, crashing through the ceiling, and in an arc over to Buckingham Palace, where he crash landed on top of the queen, who then grabbed him and German Suplexed him all the way to Khazakstan.
"Well, that… I mean, the fuck?! THAT'S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE! HOW THE FUCK DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN?!" Izzy shouted in anger from his utter bewildered confusion.
"He used his flatulence to jet-propel himself through the air, duh. Keep up with these things, Izzy, jeez" Carrie rolled her eyes at having to explain something so basic to Izzy.
"Well, we lost Buddy. I wonder how Eagle and Logan and Purps are doing, wherever tehy are." Mack mused to himself as a generic fade away started up.
MEANWHILE, WHEREVER EAGLE, LOGAN, AND PURPS ARE…!
"Whaddya mean I can't keep my dress when I transform?! The enemy wouldn't dare hit a gorgeous man in a sparkling dress!" Eagle shouted in anguish as the giant radioactive crabcakes moved in.