Chapter 4: GO GO TALENT TROOPERS!
Eagle woke up in an unknown land, with Logan already up and looking off into the distance.
"What's going on? Where's Purps? And- *AUDIBLE GASP!*" Eagle looked down and saw Purps was knocked out beneath him. "MY DRESS! It's… it's dirty, and it's torn, and… NOOOOOOO!"
"Logan looks over to Eagle, ready to help him. Well, there's one bit of good news. I've found another dress. And it's just your size, according to my measurements. Logan said as he help up a dazzling golden dress, which Eagle snatched up and put on immediately."
"Well, that's much better. A man isn't a man if his dress is less than the best! Purps, you OK man?" Eagle asked his unconcious friend, who was actuall awake.
"Yes. I've been looking at this tiny map for the past hour, while you got your beauty sleep. From the looks of it, we're in Beijing, Japan. Does anyone here speak Korean? Or am I going to be the translator for us?" Purps explained expertyl as he got up anmd surveyed the area. "Looks like we're in the fields of Beijing, based off the lack of smog. Wait, what's that in the distance?" Purps squinted to see what was rolling in the distance.
Off in the distance, small glowing balls rolled towards the three abridgers. But they quickly grew larger, until they were only a mile away.
"Oh shit, giant radioactive crabcakes! I've seen these before at the nuclear plant! We gotta run, FAST!" Purps shouted as he started springing away from the monstrous seafood biscuits. Eagle and Logan were right behind him, but Eagle's chariot was no where to be found!
"Logan quickly caught up to everyone and kept a steady pace as he fumbled in his pockets. He then pulled out three sticks of gum, one red, one blue, one polka dotted. He then passed the red to Eagle, and the polka dotted one to Purps. Quick, chew these, and then swallow them! Trust me, these may just save our skins!"
"Wait, where the fuck did you get tehse from?! How will they help us?! Why DO kids love cinnamon toast crunch?!" Eagle shouted as he fumbled to unwrap the stick of gum.
"Logan quickly popped his blue gum into his mouth and chewed with the ferocity of one bajillion buffalo, then started to explain via flashback. Things crossfaded to a splashscreen where it said 'four hours earlier' to show when this took place.
Logan woke up and saw his cohorts were sleeping in a field, when all of the sudden, an earthquake shook him until he was standing upright. Behind him, he had seen that there was a relatively large crater that was very fresh. In the middle, Bear Grylls stood, smoke wafting from his body.
Bear Grylls! What are you doing here? Did you feel that earthquake?! Logan asked him as he ran down to meet the piss drinking British weirdo.
"Feel that earthquake? No, I CAUSED that earthquake. How do you think I constantly find myself in the middle of goddamned nowhere with nothing but my wits, my army skill, and a fully functional camera crew and trailer with a shower? I'm send to my locations via orbital strike, for pinpoint accuracy as to what dangerous hell I'll be living in for the next show" Bear Grylls said as he dusted off his trousers.
Ah, that makes sense, otherwise you could be an entire coordinate off from where your producers say you are. But hwy here? It's not looking too dangerous. Logan commented as he looked around at the otherwise peaceful countryside with its waving wheat in the wind.
"Well, it's not, truist me. And, well, I've got a show to do, so if you want more information, make sure you tune in necxt week tto see why is't so dangerous. Anyways, since I've got your ear, I need you to do me a favor. I was approached by some blue headed alien, who wanted me to give these to some teenagers with an attitude issue, apprently it's to save the world, or new jersy. I'm a TV star who has enough piss to drink, I don't do petty delivery jobs. So it's your job now. And I'd do it, I don't trust aliens in the slightest" Bear Grylls then gave Logan three sitcks of gum.
Ummm… okay then. Why dopn't you trust aliens? Is it because they could destroy us whenever they want to, but haven't yet becayse we amuse them somehow? Logan asked the star.
"No, it's because of what they do. I know for certain that aliens will knock people out to abduct them for their intergalactic orgies, and that's something I cannot stand for!" Bear Gyrlls then ran off to meet up with his crew.
Huh, that was interesting. I wonder what this gum does… Logan thought to himself as the screen crossfades back to the present, where everyone was chewing their pieces of gum.
So while we're not teenagers with an attitude issue, I think we may be able to cut it. I mean, were the power rangers teenagers? No, they were played by a byunch of 20 something year olds! Logan exclaimed as he swallowed his gum, and started glowing blue, while Eagle started glowign red, and Purps started glowing plaid."
As soon as the glowing started, it stopped, just in time for the titular opening that is definitely not ripped off.
GO GO TALENT TROOPERS!
In a flash, Purps and Logan were in their trooper outfits: spandex bodysuits with a bicycle helmet of their color. Purps was in a suit that was constantly changing colors, and Logan was wearing a blue suit with matching helmet. However, Eagle was still in his regular sexy attire.
"Whaddya mean I can't keep my dress when I transform?! The enemy wouldn't dare hit a gorgeous man in a sparkling dress!" Eagle shouted in anguish as the giant radioactive crabcakes moved in.
Just then, the crabcakes dared to hit a gorgeous man in a sparkling dress.
"Grah! Have you considered fucking off?!" Eagle shouted in frustration as he took the dress off, only to immediatley transform like the others did. His suit was solid gold. Not even spandex, but just gold. But he couls stull move in it like it wasn't gold!
"Okay, time to beat these cakes back to the oven!" Eagle said, making a… a pun? Mayube? Wahtever, he ran in and just punched the crabcake in the face, followed by the blue blir and the multicolored maniac.
"Logan's face turned to one of rage as he want to shout at the cakes. NO ONE HURTS MY FRIENDS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT! He screamed as he kicked the crabcake in its shins, then Purps followed up by clotheslining the fuker."
The battle was in tents, with all sorts of bad jokes and cut abridging content being used to pad out the runtime, until the crabcakes ran away, swearing to defeat the Super Shifting Talent Troopers!
"We did it guys!" Purps then gave everyone a hug. But the cedlebration was cut shotr as a blue alien approached the trio.
"You cicksuckers aren't teenagers with attitude! Give me my motehrfucking gum back, and I won't probe uranus!" it demanded as the gum tthey had swallowed flew out of tehir belly byttons and back into the hand of the alienn. Immediately after, the three amigos turned back to their base forms.
"You can keep that shit, if I can't wear a dress AND transform, then it's not worht having!" Eagle then flipped off the alien, who then ran away crying like a little bitch.
"Logan then looks up to the Tim Currie in the sky, and sees that it's getting late. We should probably get going, we still need to fing the outhrers, so we can fix the world. I mean, I've still gotta upload my mext Bleach Abridgred otherwise I'll riusk becoming just another abridger with a once-a-wuarter release schedule! Logan said inspiringly as he ran off into the distance, before the shot froze like the end of a generic 80s sitcom."