Chapter 5: The Quest for the Plot!
Carrie, Izzy, Mack, Anthony, Buddy's corpse.
After having solved the murders of the Mystery Manor Manor, half of our brave heros left the manor after a very, VERY exquisite breakfast at 4:30pm.
"Well, Buddy died. And that sucks. But on the bright side, Buddy died, and we can spend all of his money on beer! Isn't that right, Buddy?!" Mack asked Buddy's corpse (which still had the gun imbedded in his chest), and he made it nod 'yes' with his hand.
"Mack!" Carrie yelled at him. "We CAN'T 'Weekend at Bernies' this shit with Buddy!" Carrie shouted loudly.
"Thank FUCK that someone has their marbles in a bag!" Izzy shout-sighed in relief.
"I mean, he's poor as BALLS, how are we supposed to buy ANYTHING with his money?!" Carrie finished her reasoning, resulting in a facepalm from IZzy, and Anthony facepalmed a good five seconds after Izzy did, then spoke up.
"ANYWAYS, while you deface the body of our fallen friend, I've been plotting a corse for us to follow. If I read this map right, we're in Britain. I think. We should ask at the next town we reach, which should be pretty soon, so long as we don't get distracrted by any ghosts or anything" Anthony pointed to the map, to a town named "Glasgofuckyourself".
With their destination marked, the crew set off, having to deal with really bad, but accurate, Buddy impressions from Mack on the way, they finally arrived in the fabled town of Glasgofuckyourself. The Tim Curry had long since set, and was replaced with the moon from Soul Eater (you know, the one with the creepy ass smile and the blood dripping from its mouth? Yeah, that nightmare fuel).
Immediately upon entering the town, a large man in a kilt approached them, and spoke to Buddy's corpse.
"Yah, hyragh flargsha bargsha, kougga jogga malowgga. Baaaa?" he spoke in a thik, indistinguishable accent, leaving everyone confused. Everyone… except Carrie. Carrie then spoke up to respond to the man.
"Looogha broogha voogha, nooma numa a, hagabraga sakaflaka breen" Carrie experrtly responded in her natural irish accent. The man then laughed and moved aside, allowing the party of abridgeres (and corpse) to enter the town.
"Carrie, what the fick just happened?" Izzy inquired, more confused than he's ever been.
"Oh, that's the mayor, Haaaaaangus McGlasgofuckyourself-intyarse. He runs this city, capital of Ireland. He was asking about Buddy, and I just said he was our dummy for ventriloquism. So we're cool" Carrie nonchalantely smacked Buddy upside the head like he was a wooden dummy.
"Okay, one, that's HORRIBLE of you, you stone clod bitch. And two, how the FUCK did you understand a single goddam thing he said?" Athony asked, dumbfounded.
"Ummm… It's pretty obvious, duh. I'm FROM Ireland. I thought you knew that from all the time we went kilt shopping and ate haggis. You big fucking dummy" Carrie replied in a cute voice, because why not. And just as she said that, a rather spooooooooooooopy voice echoed throughout the strets. Oddly enough, it was to the tune of "Elmo's World".
"Da-na-da-na, da-na-da-na, what a bitch… Da-na-da-na, da-na-da-na, she's a bitch… she rolls them nat 1's, and then blaaaames meeeeeeeee… Soooo, she's a biiiiiiiiitch…" the scary voice got closer as a glowing apparition of a person approached the party. But then, Izzy realized what it was.
"Uhhhh, guys? Is that what I think it is?" Izzy stared at the encroaching spoop, watching it gain more detail, like a testure foing from low poly to high poly. Until…
"Goooooood GOD, Carrie! While you were taking a nap outside that crack mansion, I was getting stabbed. With a fucking pistol! I mean, how the FUCK did that happen, amiright?" the spector revealed himself to be none other than… BUDDYVA! In the not so flesh!
"Buddy! You'er a gost! Did you meet jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus?" Mack asked the big question as he tossed Buddy's old body to teh side, and it rolled down a hill, into a river, down a waterfall, into a volcaon, onto a rocket ship, and into the sun, in a spectacular show of fireowrks.
"No, I didn't meet him! But I did go to some place with a lot more fire and brimstone, if you know what I mean" Buddy bitterly retorted.
"Oh, so you were in a sauna?" Anthony asked, and Buddy shook his head.
"Not exactly. Anyways, why the hell are we in the middle of Buttfuck, Ireland?" Buddy asked, and Carrie corrected him immediately.
"ACTUALLY, Buttfuck is in Wales, Buddy! GAWD, you're SO geographically illiterate! Even some random joe schmoe knows thtat, like that dumbass over there!" Carrie pointed to a man in a keeeeeeeewl black coat that was approaching the town.
"Wait, what's a Whales?" the anm asked, before revealing himself to be none other than… KIRITO, FRoM SAO ONLINE! "Is taht a super rare monester drop, or a boiss?"
"No, it's part of France. You know, in central Africa?" Mack expertly explained expertly to the generic anime protaganist.
"Is that part of the DLC that I got for free backuse I'm a beater?" inquired the raven-haired man. Except it wasn't a description of his hair's color, his hair actually just became ravens after he was hit with a magic spell from stage right.
"Does DLC turn your hair into birds? If so, then ues" Anthony pointed to the disgruntled birds as they started flapping their wings wildly.
"OH SWEET BUDDHA NOOOOOO! I'M ALLERGIC TO THE BIRDS!" Kirito shouted in agony as they pecked his eyes out.
"Fuck off, The Birds was one of Hitchcock's best films. Dcik" Buddy flipped Kirito the bird, which was fitting given the circumstances and conversation. Kirito then exploded from his bird allergies.
"Well fuck, I just killed a man. And he wasn't even kind enough to leace a nice blanket for me to use, you know, like a REAL ghost" Buddy complained before Haaaaaaaaangus McGlasgofuckyourself-intyarse ran up to them, looking furious.
"Jarge Large Targe, yinga dinga durgen, oppa gungam stile, carrameldansen!" Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaangus screamed indignantly.
"Well, fuck. It looks like Glasgofuckyourself doesn't take toop kindly to ghosts murdering people. So we're being kicked out. But, the good news is, Austria is only a day away if we were to crabwalk!" Carrie relayed the information to the non-irsih group, then started crabwalking away, towards Austria.
"Am I on the drugs? I'm pretty sure I've been given the drugs at some point" Izzy groaned as he, too, started crabwalking to Austria.