Chapter 6: Santa V.S the Communists
After having spent esrteval days walking atrhough Beijing, Logan, Purps, and Eagle found themselves in a cold and snowy wasteland.
"GUYS! I know where we are! Logan exclaimed, pointing his index fignger to the sky for emnphasis. We're in Canada, odf course! In the shield region, I can tell from that Tim Horton's in the distance! Logan then pointed to a very distant building with a red roof."
"I don't know, Logan, there doens't seem to be enough maple trees around for that to be the case. Maybe we're in Hell" Purps spoke up, but was suddenly interrupted by Coffinjockey arising from a large drift of snow like he was dracula rising from his coffin… jokey.
"Actually, given the sheer miracle that we're not freezingf to death, I'm sure we're in a more magical place than Hell, Michigan. Which should be frozen over about now. No, I think that building there isn't a Tim Hotrons, no..I think it's Satan's worksop!?" Coffin then pointed to the large pole nearby that said 'Welcome to the North Pole'. But underneath it, there was a Hammer and Sickle painted on the sighn.
"Oh goody, I love santa! I mean… I LOVE santa" Eagle said excitedly, then intimidatingly, before running foff to the workshop, Coffin and the others following eagerly, since they have all been very good boys this year. Or at least they've been better than a collective average, which is go0od enough in their books!
BUTT! Ass the group grew closer to the magical weorkshop, they noticed something was off. Outside, there were several ushanka wearing humanoid robots, with large red stars emblazoned on them, and a large hammer and sickle stamped on their chests. And over Santa's loudspeaker, instead of the ussual threats of violence he used to keep his elves in line from revolting against him, the Soviet Union's national anthom was BLARING so loudly, that the toy guns that were coming from the workshop turned into Mosin Nagants and AK47s upon hearing the music.
Coffinjockey was the first to break silence between the four compatriots, even though there was no silence with the excellent anthem playing/
"Um, guys, I think Santa's secretly a communist. I mean, it makes wears red, gives gifts to those he deems worthy, or EQUAL, and he wanted rudpolph to lead his slay because of his red nose. And why was his nose red, you ask? Because Rudolph is a working class proletariat who had enough with the bourgeois taunting him for his lack of money and power. And as such, he his nose became a beacon for the revolution! FACE IT GUYS, SANTA'S A COMMUNIST!" Coffin screamed in disbelief befoe hearing a whisper come from a barred window in Santa's house. And they saw none other than the communist elf himself, Santa!
"Psst, I'm not a communist! I just really, REALLY like red wine. And I'm a clutzy drunk. But anyways, get me out of here! These communists are trying to redistribute my wealth to all the POOR people in the world. And boy, do I have a LOT of fucking wealth, how the shit do you think I manage to get enough gifts for everyone I deem worthy?!"
"Hmmm… I think we can do that… Logan tapped his chin as he thought for a moment. BUT, only if you give us our presents after we free you! Logan laid his deal out on the metaphorical table."
"Deal! Now, you're going to need something to fight off these damned dirty reds with! Here, take this!" Santa then tossed everyone their own M1 Garand, complete with obscenely extended magazines. On the rifles, there was a carving of a bald eagle stabbing the american flag through a nazi's head, while shitting bombs on terrorists. On the butt of the gun, there was a small stamp of the Mcdonald's M.
"Thanks, Satan! With these all-american weapons, we'll be sure to defeat these damn dirty commies!" Purps said with glee as he ran in, screaming like Elvis, and started shooting the communist robots in their weak point: their heds.
"I mean, I'm not an american, but I DO have to admire a fiiiiiiiiiiiine weapon like this! Logan stroked the gun tenderly before raising it up in the air with both hands. OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOOOO! Logan then did Spongebob's victory screech before joining in the fray, showing that even robot communists bleed red, the worst kind of blood."
Eagle then spoke up to santa. "Well Saint Nick, you know what they say. Easy Communist, easy Go-unist!" Eagle then did a full sprint in his dress and stabbed a communist robot to death with his rifle's bayonet, dirty commie blood oil spraying everywhere.
Coffin, however, didn't just leave Santa hanging to dry. Instead, he shot the bars off the window, and tossed Santa a belt of hand grenades.
"Here you go, Santa. Go teach those revolting elves what's what. Make them regret embracing Stalin as their one true god!" Coffin nodded to the grenades. Santa's eyes just lit up at the idea.
"Well, Santa's not used to getting presents on Christmas. But this is a really fucking good one. You're now a permanant member of the "good" list, Coffin!" Santa then disappeared into his house, an explosin sounding off, followed by hundreeds of tiny, communist elf death throes.
"POW POW POW PKOW PKOW PKOW BRAPPA BRAPPA BRAPPA BRAPPA! Logan made gun noises as he finished killing the last of the robo-commies outside."
"Well, that takes care of that. Let's go help Santa clean up thge inside, guys!" Eagle kicked down the door to Santa's house like a BAMF, but gasped at the sight he was seeing with his eyes. Inside, there were THOUSANDS of dead elves, many missing their limbs from grenade bangs. But there was one still standing. And oddly enough, he was tall. Like, people tall. And I mean REAL people, not any of that fake people bullshit. You know what I mean, and I know you know that I'm right.
Santa was facing off against this large elf in single combat in a katana duel. Swords were clanging as each fighter prarried each otehrs bowels, neither giving up an inch.
"Santa! You tried to kick me out of the north pole! Well, I'm back for revenege, and my REAL dad taught me how to fight like that lady from Kill Bill!" the elf tuanted by flourishing the sword in a flashy manner, like that guy did in Indiana Jones and the Lost Arc of the Coverants.
"Buddy, you crazy communist bastard! I ki8cked you out because you wanted to star in a WIll Ferral movie about you! And you wanted to spread your despicable message! I'm going to kill you now, and end this rebellion before if gets more out of hand!" Santa rebuttles before going in for another attack.
"Wait, Buddy?! As in, Buddy from Elf?! I LOVE THAT MOVIE!" Purps shouted excitedly.
"Why, yes, yes I am that Buddy!" Buddy turned to face his adoring fans. But just then, Santa cut the motherfucker in half down the middle, then proceeded to slash at him a bajrillionty times, then as he put the katana back in its holder, Buddy fell apart into even MORE tiny partivels the small size of a small grain of sand. And with that, the battle for the North Pole was over.
"Well, kids, you saved my ass back there. Too bad Mrs. Claws couldn't be here for this, but I'm sure she's having fun in Vegas. Anywasy, your gifts! Here, let me give them to you" Santa said as the guns in their hands flew together and glowed brightly, transporting our heros to where they wanted to go...