"It's ok bud, the pain will pass." Mac kept his eyes on Jack as the paramedics worked around him. He wished he could tell his partner that he didn't hurt. He didn't feel anything. What little he had felt was gone. Mac saw every possible pain Jack thought might be possible hover in his brother's eyes. Mac wished he could do something, anything to comfort his brother. Mac closed his eyes as the world spun. He forced his eyes open, closing them was an exercise in terror. It was the only way he knew he was alive, the only window to a world outside the horrors his brain kept cooking and serving.
He watched as two medics approached with a neck brace. The view of the world changed. He felt a moment of panic, then Jack stepped back into view. Mac would have sighed in relief but he'd lost all ability to control anything but his eyes. His autonomic system seemed to be the only thing online. Mac kept trying to remember exactly what it controlled. Blinking, heart, lungs, kidneys...he had no idea past that. For the millionth time he wished he'd paid more attention in A and P. Mac's brain of course brought him to the lab where he and the other students got to look at a dissected cadaver. Mac felt panic boil in his brain. What if they thought he was dead and put him in the morgue and he was autopsied? If he did have control over his heart he was pretty sure he'd be having a heart attack, but the EKG kept tempo like a metronome.
Jack saw his panic and leaned closer. Jack pulled hair out of his face. Mac didn't feel it but forced himself to remember the feeling of the million times his brother had comforted him with the same gesture. He thought of all the times he'd slapped Jack's hand away annoyed. Mac desperately wished he had all of the hugs, the holding, the...it had embarrassed him. Guys didn't do those things. He didn't even like telling Jack he loved him. It slipped out when he was most vulnerable. He knew Jack knew how he felt, but he would have given anything to be able to shout it from the rafters that very second.
He could tell Jack was trying to not freak out. Mac felt worse for him and the others than he did for himself. He thought of anything happening to his family. He couldn't feel it but he knew his stomach churned at the thought. It was the main reason he hadn't wanted to tell them. As Mac thought about it, he realized how incredibly selfish that was. As much as it hurt them to see and not be able to do anything, how much worse would it have been if they had never known. He could see the guilt lurking in his partner's dark wet eyes. Jack was constantly replaying their wrestling match and thinking about how Mac had laid there paralyzed and Jack had walked out and had fun with the others. Mac slowly blinked hoping Jack would think it as a sign of affection, like a cat. It wall he could offer.
Mac's world spun to the side then he was moving. He told himself Jack was close even though he was surrounded by white clad medics. He blinked at the ceiling. He really needed to repaint. The sky was a sickly churning pewter color then the roof of the ambulance. Mac thought they should put in a picture...something inspirational, maybe a mountain scape or kitten hanging from a tree limb with the words "Hang in there." Jack would have laughed.
He could hear the paramedics share numbers. He was surprised his vital signs were actually pretty good. Jack would call out encouragement. Mac clung to these brief, contrived, overly practiced platitudes like they were a treasure. Pearls to be hoarded. Jack would have laughed at that too. Mac could see the paramedic raise an IV bag over his head and blinked. For some reason not feeling the IV going in was the worst. In the back of his mind, Mac realized, IV's were so awful the pain was bigger than just his body. It was a spiritual invasion-or he was just overthinking it. He could hear that last bit in Jack's voice. He wished he could hear that last bit in Jack's voice.
He heard the paramedic give report. There was a long pause of silence. Mac desperately tried to see Jack with his eyes. He couldn't see anything but white metal ceiling. Jack, of course, knew Mac's brain better than Mac did most of the time.
"It's ok, brother. I'm still here. We're just pulling up now." Mac blinked in relief. He still couldn't see Jack, but knowing he was there was the only thinking keeping Mac sane. Well, that and the fact there wasn't much he could do about it. Not even a panic attack. Mac thought it was odd he missed panic attacks. What's next? He'd miss being tortured? Well…
Before Mac's overactive brain could meander down that trail he heard the beeping of the ambulance then the ceiling scraped by. Weird. Mac couldn't feel movement. He wondered why that was. It had never occured to Mac that was something your body did automatically. The nervous system was truly a marvel-when it worked. When it didn't?
Well, Mac would have said it was a pain in the ass if he could feel his ass. Mac imagined himself laughing hysterically at that. Jack would have pulled him back knowing that was an edge Mac shouldn't go off if he ever wanted to come back. Mac blinked. What was he going to do now? No one would know when he slipped off into madness. No one would ever know how he felt about anything, or his opinion, or… what would he do to fill the endless hours? No matter how much they wanted to his friends couldn't be there with him every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every...the idea of being alone… Completely alone, like a piece of furniture, like a stump, like a corpse...would they reach a day when they forgot him and he would be left leaning in a corner of a closet somewhere like an antique hat rack? Mac again imagined himself cackle with madness. Would he even know when he went insane? Was he already crazy? The more Mac thought about it, the more it didn't seem like a bad thing. Perhaps that was the only way he'd escape this...this coffin.
Jack's face blocked the blur of Phoenix ceiling.
"You stay with me, bud. This isn't anywhere near over, you got me?" Mac silently joked back, Where would I go, big guy? He could almost hear Jack's eye roll and huff of frustration. Mac blinked at him twice. Jack smiled. Mac could see his arm move and realized the older man was probably patting his arm or maybe rubbing his cheek gently. Mac was glad he couldn't tell Jack he couldn't feel it. He didn't want to take away Jack's thin hope that while Mac couldn't move, he felt and was comforted by his brother. Mac wished he could return the favor.
Mac caught a glimpse of familiar faces, Doc Carl, Laura, Izzy, and of course, the evil elf herself. Mac held Sally's gaze. For once she was at a loss. He could see layers of fear in her eyes. Mac thought he might have hugged her at that second. The ceiling of Phoenix's elevator had lights bright enough to burn into his eyes. Mac had to admit it was nice not being able to feel the headache staring into those lights would normally cause, but still he would have preferred it over this...nothing. No cold, no hot, no sharp pains, aches, nothing...Mac screamed again. Of course, Jack was the only one who would know. He was back smiling down.
"Easy kiddo, easy. Everybody's here, you aren't alone." It wasn't the calming coo of breathe, you're ok, I'm ok, everybody's ok...but it was manna from heaven. Another pearl for his hoard.
Mac blinked in surprise when he slid under the outside sky. He'd assumed they were going to Phoenix medical, where the hell were they going? Mac had a vague memory of blurry faces telling him he was being taken to some sort of specialist but couldn't remember the details. The thought of leaving everything familiar, being completely helpless...Mac thought he couldn't feel more fear-he was wrong. He heard the whapping of helicopter rotors and desperately looked for Jack.
"Hold up a second guys." Jack said. He smiled down at Mac, "I ain't going anywhere, kiddo, but it's going to take the others a bit to catch up to us, ok?" He stepped away. Bozer moved into sight. He'd been bawling. He bent down, Mac assumed to hug him.
"When you get back we are so going to have a ping pong rematch and this time you are not going to let me win, I'll beat you fair and square." Mac blinked at him. He wished he could offer more. Riley slid into view. She bent close. Mac realized he could still smell when he sniffed Riley's unique smell of sweat and Jasmine. She always denied wearing perfume, but everyone knew she did. Mac closed his eyes wishing he could feel her lips brush his cheek.
"Mac, hang in there, ok?" Mac blinked at her. Mac closed his eyes as Cage bent over him. He wished he could spit out her main of hair as she too bent to offer him a kiss. She smelled of fruits and outdoors. She leaned back. He could see the sadness in her smile.
"We'll see you soon." She said. She said it with the same determination she had once told him he'd get his watch back when they faced actual hell on earth.
Mac could only see the top of Matty's head but he could feel her presence like a warm blanket wrapping around him. How many times had she been the steady voice in the middle of a chaotic shit storm?
"We'll be following behind you, blondie. You'll land before us, but we're coming, ok? We'll never leave you so you better not even think of leaving us, got it." Another peal. Everything went blurry. Mac realized he still had the ability to cry. Did he actually have control over that? Did he ever. Mac couldn't even offer her a blink.
The downdraft of the spinning blades dried his tears. The roof of the helicopter felt so close-like a coffin lid closing. Mac closed his eyes bellowing a mind gibbering scream. He was being buried alive! Mac opened his eyes. Jack was there, as always. Normally Mac would curl up to his brother's warm body, listening to his strong heart… He saw Jack's hand reach to his forehead and knew the man was pushing aside hair. Jack didn't say anything, Mac wouldn't be able to hear anything over the loud helicopter's engine.
Mac held Jack's gaze as if it were the familiar callused hand. Jack offered a small encouraging smile. Mac could see the rhythmic moving of his hand. He couldn't physically feel it, but it calmed him anyway. Another pearl. Mac knew he was going to need as many as he could fit in his horde. He also knew most of them will have Jack's name on them.