CHAPTER 3
Key:
Bold, Italic and Underlined - pre-story information
Bold - Auther's note in the middle of a paragraph
'Italic With Quote Marks - First person thought'
[Inspiration= 'Shouldn't be a good in goodbye' by Jason Walker (I'm honestly so, so sorry about this chapter... I cried onto my keyboard writing this)
[This is an angst/romance fic]
[A.N: I'm literally so, so damn sorry about this. If you feel as strongly about Q and James as me then this may fuck you up for a bit. It's a horrible ending so this chapter is not for the faint hearted. THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER btw.]
[Warnings: Swearing, Violence, Blood, Graphic Descriptions, EXTREME HEART WRENCHING SADNESS]
[Q's POV]
My head hammered. My pulse was racing and my forehead throbbed in rhythm with each erratic beat. My eyes fluttered open and suddenly the events of the night before came rushing back. The room. The water... The last words I spoke before losing my consiousness. However I couldn't remember everything, there were still gaps. Blurs with only cutscenes. All of what I could remember was horrible, so I wasn't sure whether to be grateful or annoyed by the memory lapses. Bond's told me about this before: Sometimes your brain blocks out traumatic events to reduce the mental damage. Maybe that's what was happening with my memory...
I was sure my face resembled a watercolour painting of the ocean; shades of black and blue. I felt the sting of a cut on my cheek and I could have sworn I felt a drop of blood cascade it's way down my cheek, following the structure of my jaw and ending up on the corner of my bottom lip. I licked my dry lips and the strong, metallic taste that wracked my tongue confirmed my theory. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut as things flashed in front of me. I felt the pain as if it had happened five minutes ago. I remembered the fear as if it was permently etched into my chest. I felt the longing for someone as if I've never been loved. When... if... I get out of here... I'm alone. I have no one. I'm so used to burying my problems and my feelings in my work I have had no time for a life. I haven't lived... and now I'm going to die.
"No." I whispered. I'm not going to die. James alway did hate my pessimistic attitude towards life. I thought about Bond. He was probably sleeping like a baby, with a girl by his side, and no idea how much hurt I'm in, nor care much about the latter. How can I care so much for one person, to the point where I'm willing to lay down my life for them, and yet want to keep my life so bad? How can I be up all night, drowning my feelings in a bottle or pushing my emotions away with an all nighter in Q branch, and the other person be so content with closing their eyes at night? So easily ending one day and starting another whilst I'm still hung up on a day that happened a month ago? How can he be so content with letting sleep consume him? Letting dreams flood his mind? My body suddenly felt tired. Every inch of the bones in my body that weren't broken ached and my eyes slowly grew heavier and heavier with each blink until unconciousness won the battle and my eyes fluttered closed.
My bare feet pounded the soft sand and the warmth seeped through the bottom of my feet and seemed to travel straight to my heart. A smiled spread across my lips but I didn't slow down. The breeze blew against me, flying through my cable knit sweater and blowing my oversized trench coat behind me as I ran. How could the sand be so warm but the air be so cold? As I ran forwards my feet were enveloped by a cold liquid, which effectively stopped me in my tracks. I inhaled sharply as the heimel temperatures finally seemed to register in my brain. In front of me was the ocean. Thats it. The ocean and the sky. it was so calm. The sun had started creeping downn towards the sea, like it was slowly and hesitantly going in for a kiss, and the blue had started fading as shades of purple appeared, like bruises, in the clear sky. A pair of cold, strong hands materialized on my waist and hoisted me into the air.
"Hey!" I exclaimed as I was flung over his shoulder. My arms hung lumply below my head as I gave up struggling. My fingertips briefly touched the salty water, disturbing the calm body and creating ripples on the surface which became bigger and bigger before fading away back into the ocean. Why was the ocean completely still? A small fish swam around his feet a couple of times before floating still, then it hit me: The water was crystal clear. How? It was the ocean. The huge, dirty, polluted and salty ocean... How was it as clear as glass? My heart beat sped up. Something was wrong, I could feel it. James was just stood there, staring at the beach, with his back against the sea, shunning it. "James?" I asked. Blood started rushing to my head and I felt dizzy "James, can you put me down, please?". The only responce was a shush. I brought his index finger up to his lips and shushed me. "James what's wrong?". He lowered me into the water and started walking towards the sand of the beach, leaving me lying in the oddly science-defying ocean. The first time in years I've been genuinely happy and I know something bad is going to happen. My clothes were soaked and my body was freezing cold. I reluctantly hoisted myself up onto my feet and starting following in James' steps. I watched his back as it walked further and further away from me. He was pushing me away again, locking me out. I couldn't let that happen. He pushed me away before... and that ended extremely painfully, both physically and mentally. I mean... I love him, I can't let him push everyone away again, I can't let him be alone. Just then a bang echoed across the coast and my head snapped up just in time to see his limp body fall into the water "JAMES!" I screamed so loud my throat hurt. I clumsily put one foot in front of the other rapidly in an embarrasing attempt at running. It took me five minutes to reach him. The formally clear water surrounding him was tinted in a harsh and deep shade of red. I threw myself at his side and his eyes started to flutter shut. "No. James no. Don't..." I pleaded, I examined his body before confirming there was a bullet hole in his left shoulder. I placed the palms of my hands on the wound and applied as much pressure as my muscles allowed.
"Q... You need to... leave." James choked out, his voice scarcely a whisper.
"I'm not going anywhere." I concluded. James took in a shakey breath before:
"Q... You need to... leave."
"Why!?" I yelled "Why do I need to leave?!" I screamed
"Because... They'll kill... you..."
"So what?" I asked and a heartbroken look flashed in James' eyes "I mean, if you're dead then what do I honestly have left to live for?" I asked him and a responce formed on his lips before I cut him off "Work? I would not be able to step foot in MI6 if you died. I'm still young? I've lived the past month of my life with you and in that one month, I've lived more than in all the 25 years of my life. I have no family. No friends. I've spent my whole life in my work and if you die, I won't be able to make another gun, or fix another obliterated Aston Martin ever again without seeing your smile, without remembering the late nights you'd spend pestering me when I was supposed to be working, without remembering the way you'd look at me when I yawned or the way you'd say 'I told you so' when I started falling asleep at my desk" Tears streamed down my cheeks and a smirk tugged at the corners of James' lips
"You have a mortgage, and two cats to feed." He said simply and I couldn't stop a slight laugh from escaping my mouth. My face suddenly dropped
"Don't leave me..."
"I don't have a choice... You'll be okay.". I clamped my eyes shut to prevent more tears from escaping. I shook my head quickly
"I don't want you to go..."
"I don't want to go."
"Q!". Another voice was heard from the sand of the shore. My head snapped up to see Moneypenny sprinting towards us.
"James?" I asked, looking back down to his closed eyes. I removed my hand from his shoulder and shook him "James. No James. Please no!" I yelled and I felt a light hand on my shoulder
"Q... We need to leave..."
"Why are you here?" I asked, it sounded harsh but I wasn't in the mood to be kind. I wasn't in the mood to be anything really.
"M sent me... I'm sorry.". I stood to my feet, not taking my eyes off of James
"You're sorry?" I asked and I tried to stop what was coming... I really did try... "Oh. You're sorry. James was just fucking shot. Shot! While we were at the beach. I was finally happy and now it's gone. Finally, I had something... someone... to live for, and I just watched the life drain out of him right in front of me. Do you know how that feels?". She shook her head and then hung it in shame "So don't tell me you're sorry. 'Sorry' doesn't bring people back." I concluded.
"I'm still sorry, Q." She replied "And we need to leave."
"I'm not leaving him."
"Q, you're being irrational."
"I'm allowed to be irrational."
"your irrationality is going to get us killed."
"I'm not leaving him." I repeated stubbornly as I just stared at James' motionless body as it lay in the water. The blood had spread, causing a larger radius around him to be red and, even further out, pink.
"Don't make me do this..." Moneypenny said heartbroken. I stood my ground. "I'm sorry.". She grabbed my arms, held them behind me and started pulling me away from him.
"No! No, stop! James!" I screamed and tried to run back towards him but my feet wouldn't work, and it felt as though, if I did stand back on my own, my legs wouldn't be able to hold my weight. I kicked and thrashed with my legs but Eve was persistant. Sobs wracked my body as I was being dragged away from the only person who's ever meant aything real to me. The only person who's made my life worth living was dead. dead. As in not alive. The last time I hugged him was the going to forever be the last time I hugged him. The last time I kissed him was going to forever be the last time I kissed him. I felt as though all the wind had been knocked out of my stomach and a hole had been puched straight into my soul. Only now did I realsie the true feeling of loneliness...