Chapter 5, 1974
Remus Lupin was driving Sirius mad. Now that they had spent almost three years sharing a dorm together he knew without a doubt that the boy was harbouring a secret, and not something trivial, this was something big and something dark. The signs were obvious, well they were to him at least. Sirius knew he had to confront him. He had shared his darkest secret with Remus and it had made a whole world of difference knowing that he had someone he could talk to, someone who actually cared. Remus had become this beacon of light that he never expected to have, and he wanted more than anything to return the favour. He tried to talk to him, to get him to open up, but the more that he did the more Remus retreated into himself and pushed his friend away.
It really upset him that his friend wouldn't confide in him. It wasn't that he didn't respect the boy's privacy, but he thought that he trusted him. Too hurt to deal with the implications of it all Sirius stopped hanging out with his friends, found a distraction in girls, and made a name for himself among the female population of the school. Although the 14 year old appeared to be enjoying himself immensely, he was actually hurting inside far more than he cared to admit.
Remus looked disgustedly towards the couple in the corner. He didn't even know the girl's name, and only identified her as a Ravenclaw from her blue tie. The boy he recognised all too well and he felt his heart flutter, before an anger rose up and he strode from the room and up to his dorm. He was greeted by his two friends who were playing a game of exploding snap together. At least they seemed pleased to see him after his 'weekend away.'
"Hey, buddy" said James as he got up and gave him a friendly slap on the shoulder. Remus winced but smiled to hide the pain and James didn't notice. "How's your Mum?" He was asking.
"She's OK" Remus lied easily, "I'm glad to be back though."
It was close to midnight when Sirius finally joined them, and by then Remus had gone to bed, his curtains closed shut around him. Sirius had been very persistent in trying to get him to reveal his secret, and for a brief moment he had been very tempted, but the overwhelming fear of everyone finding out what he was, and the consequences of that was far far stronger. He needed to protect himself, but in doing so he had driven his friend away. He had been beyond hurt when Sirius had stopped talking to him, and even more so when he ditched James and Pete too, but seeing him with those girls, unexpectedly that had been what hurt him the most.
He soon came to understand that it was more than just affection that he held for the Black Heir. The connection they both had previously shared was one thing, but now Remus accepted the truth. It had all started with these dreams, in which the random girl in Sirius' arms would be replaced by himself. Safe to say he was initially very surprised and confused by them, but the more he thought about it and the more they occurred, the more it actually started to make a lot of sense. The obvious revelation was that he was gay, which actually didn't startle him at all because it just felt right somehow, but of all the people to be attracted to, Sirius Black had to be the least convenient. At least I only have one more full moon to get through he told himself, and then it would be summer, and he wouldn't have to see him every day.
That last full moon was the worst Remus had experienced at Hogwarts yet. The morning after the interior of the shak was in ruins and come Monday morning he was still in the hospital wing. He figured the wolf had reacted badly to his emotionally charged state. As he lay in his bed in the hospital wing Remus thought of his friends, and hoped that James and Pete weren't too worried about him. He thought about Sirius too, and wondered if he had even noticed he was missing. Probably not; any thoughts of Remus would be the last thing on his mind. Remus sighed sadly.
Up in the common room however, Sirius had noted Remus' absence, and was confronting James and Peter about it at that very moment.
"What do you mean he hasn't come back yet? Where the hell is he then?" It hadn't taken much for his pent up emotions to break free.
"Why do you even care?" James shouted back. He was so angry at Sirius, and if he wanted a fight then he would get one. Sirius was supposed to have been his best friend, and he had ditched him like an unwanted chocolate frog card, for girls! You don't desert your brothers for girls!
"Of course I care James, Remus is my… well he's my…" It suddenly dawned on Sirius that he didn't know how to finish that sentence. Remus was his what? His friend? His brother? He was more than either of those things, and Sirius had abandoned him because of something as stupid as his hurt pride.
"He's your what, Sirius?" James demanded.
"He's my friend," Sirius replied quietly, sadly with his head bowed. The realization of what he had done hit him full force, and for the first time in weeks he saw things clearly. He looked to James and to Peter, he hadn't meant to hurt either of them. He croaked their names, but didn't know what else to say.
"What, you really have nothing to say to us? How about I'm sorry for abandoning you? Huh? That would be a good start. Or how about you tell us what was so damn important to you that you decided we weren't? Tell us why you turned your back on your brothers!?"
"It was like that," Sirius tried to explain.
"Well what was it then?"
"I just wanted… I just…" How could he explain without bringing Remus into it, he couldn't hurt him anymore than he already had, and if he wouldn't open up to Sirius then he certainly didn't want anyone else to know that something was going on.
"You're a bastard Black, and we should have known better than to make friends with the likes of you. I don't know what the sorting hat was thinking because you are no Gryffindor. Why don't you go back to Slytherin where you belong?"
And that was all it took for Sirius to snap. He was NOT a Slytherin, he was nothing like his family, and before he could think any better of it he had his wand drawn.
"Oh so now you're going to fight me, is that it? Go on then, give it your best shot."
"I am NOT a Slytherin!"He declared angrily.
"Sure as hell looks like it from here."
Sirius flicked his wrist hard, but purposefully aimed for the space between his two dorm mates.
"You missed," James taunted.
"I meant to, I'm not trying to hurt you. Take it back James, I am NOT a Slytherin," he repeated.
He could feel himself slipping; the fear and self-loathing was returning thick and fast. Soon it would be summer and there would be no comfort or distraction from the torture that awaited him. It was fight or flight, and he did not want to hurt his friends any more than he already had. He began to back out of the room, wand still raised in defence. Just as he turned his back to flee he heard "Peter, no!" and everything went black.
When he came too James was hovering above him, a concerned look on his face.
"Mate," he was saying, "I think you should go see Madam Pomfrey."
Sirius was confused until he felt the trickle of blood running down his neck. James helped him to his feet and they left for the hospital wing together.
"Thank you," Sirius said when they reached the door, "I got it from here." Not a word had been spoken between them.
"No problem," James replied before he turned to leave.
"I'm sorry, James," Sirius called after him. "It was never about you, but you're right, you do deserve better friends than someone like me." He could see James' features soften, and a look of pity creep across his face. That was the last thing he wanted, so he turned away.
"Sirius Black what have you done now."
Remus stiffened in his bed, fingers poised as he was about to turn the page in his book.
"It was nothing," he heard Sirius say, "I just tripped over a bag and landed funny."
Without even seeing him he could tell the boy was lying.
"A likely tale, I can get that cut cleaned up but that's a lot of blood you've lost, you'll have to stay in so I can keep an eye on you."
Sirius knew there was no arguing with her.
The wing was empty save for one bed and the curtain was drawn around it, everyone else would have gone to class by now. He realized he hadn't eaten any breakfast, but when he asked for some food the matron shook her head and showed him to the bed next the occupied one. She then left the room briefly and returned moments later with a potion; a sleeping draught he soon realized when his eyes began to close, he hadn't even had a chance to get into bed properly.
He was startled awake some time later by the sound of a boy crying out in pain.
"It's alright Remus," he heard Madam Pomfrey say.
Remus? He thought. My Remus?
"I don't understand why they won't heal, it usually only takes a matter of hours."
"Can you think of anything different this time? Any circumstances that might have changed?"
"Nothing," he heard the boy reply, and then, "when can I go back upstairs?"
"I'd like you to stay one more night, we'll see how you are in the morning."
"Can you send a message to my friends for me, to James and Peter."
"Of course," Madam Pomfrey replied, "and Sirius?"
There was a pause. "No, he won't even notice I'm gone."
Sirius felt a stab of pain, and it had nothing to do with the wound on his head. What had he done? He had to fix this friendship before it was too late, he couldn't go on letting Remus think that he didn't care about him. He waited until Madam Pomfrey had left with the messages before he stood up.
"Remus, is that you?" He asked softly.
Remus knew there was no point in lying. "Yeah, it's me" he replied.
"Can I come in?"
A long pause and then "OK."
Sirius was not prepared for what lay on the other side of the curtain. Remus had a large gash from one side of his face to the other, he was holding his arm at a funny angle and he was as white as a sheet. "What happened to you? I thought you were at home?"
Remus shook his head.
Sirius remembered the conversation he had overhead between his friend and Madam Pomfrey moments before. "Remus, does this happen to you every time you go home?"
Remus shook his head again, "I don't go home," he confessed. Now Sirius was really confused. "Sit down," Remus said softly, gesturing to his bed, and so Sirius sat down.
"I don't understand, I thought you went home to look after your mum."
"My mum isn't sick… and I don't go home," he said again.
Sirius was really glad that Remus was finally talking to him but this wasn't making any sense. "Then where do you go all the time? Remus I'm really really sorry for ignoring you these past few weeks, but all I wanted was for you to let me in. Why can't you trust me like I trusted you?"
Remus was close to tears. "I didn't mean to push you away Sirius, I just… this is just…"
Sirius moved closer on the bed. Remus was staring down at his sheets, and only looked up when he felt his friend take his hand. "You don't have to tell me anything," Sirius said softly, "and I'm sorry I tried to force you before. I understand that some things are just too hard to say. If it wasn't for you I would never have spoken about what goes on at home, but Remus, I really do care about you, I only want to help."
Remus said nothing for a long time, and it seemed like it would stay that way until "I'm scared." The words were barely audible.
"Of what?" Sirius encouraged.
"Myself."
"I don't understand Remus."
"I'm a monster. I might seem like this shy but kind bookworm on the outside but there's no stopping the monster within."
Sirius waited for him to continue.
"It might only happen once a month but I live in this constant fear that someone will figure it out, and once they do, I'll have to leave Hogwarts; we'll have to leave our home."
At first Sirius still didn't understand. He thought back to all of the times Remus had left to go "home," and then it clicked. Once a month, every month, never on the same date, but they all had one thing in common: the full moon. He had figured it out: Remus was a werewolf.
Remus watched as the comprehension showed clearly on his friends face, readying himself for it to transform into disgust and then fear, ready for the heartbreak of knowing he would be alone forever. No one in their right mind would want anything to do with a filthy werewolf, let alone be their friend, but the look of disgust never came. The expression on Sirius' face softened and he actually smiled!
"Why are you smiling?" he asked cautiously.
"Because I'm happy," Sirius answered simply.
"I don't understand. Why aren't you running for this hills? I just told you I'm a werewolf!"
"Well technically you didn't, you just gave me enough information to work it out for myself."
"That's hardly the point Sirius. You do know what a werewolf is don't you?"
"Of course I do, and I know that it's not exactly something you would choose to be. Remus, I understand why you felt like you couldn't tell me any of this, and I'll admit it's a lot more serious than I hoped, but I also know that it doesn't change who you are. Well, technically it does change you but not on the inside. You're still the same smart, funny, brave and genuine boy who is like a brother to me, and I don't care what other people think of you because they're wrong."
Remus smiled despite himself, touched by Sirius' words.
"I do wish you would have told me sooner though, I know only too well how hard it is to deal with stuff by yourself. You were there for me Remus and I will always be there for you, but you have to let me in. Don't push me away."
"You aren't frightened? You aren't disgusted?"
"No, I'm not. Although I am slightly horrified by what you appear to have done to yourself! Don't you have any control over it?"
Remus shook his head, and Sirius sighed.
"I wish there was something we could do to help you make it easier for you."
"We?" asked Remus
"Yes we; your friends. I know James and Pete will think the same as me."
Panic settled in again. "You can't tell them Sirius! This has to stay between you and me. I've kept your secret now you have to keep mine!"