Author's note: Hey everyone! Sorry for the wait! I kinda lost my way with this story, losing a bit of the kick that I started this story with. I still want to write it, just kind of lost it a bit. I know, that's no excuse! I'm sorry! I'll try harder! This one is probably one of - if not the longest - chapter for this story. So, thanks for hanging on with me! T.T Thanks for all of your support and reviews! Let me know what you think! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything belongs to Richelle Mead, the most brilliant woman in the world.

Warning: Nothing, except maybe language.

Word Count: 5,861

Lissa is in the throne room, staring down at some Guardians. Her mood is resting cosily in hell. She couldn't be more down in the dumps. But it has nothing to do with what the reporting Guardians are saying. If anything she is only half listening to their words. I can sense my best friend's unease. Her blatant unhappiness. Just as easily as I would be able to tell my own. She nods and sends them away. She watches as they leave the room.

Lissa puts her hand on her forehead, groaning quietly. In her mind's eye she can see me. Laughing and joking and it feels weird. It's like I'm staring at an entirely different person. It's strange to see myself through her eyes. I look almost beautiful. It's like all the wonderful things I see... or saw... in Lissa, is the same thing that she sees in me. The way she smiles, how her hubby makes her feel, it's all right there. Lissa didn't need a bond like I did with her to know. She can see how happy Dimitri made me and she loved seeing me happy too.

She shakes her head. Wanting to rub her face, but remembers at the last moment about the make-up on her face and just drops her hand onto her lap. After a few, droll moments of silence, Lissa finally climbs to her feet, feeling tired and exhausted. Almost like just sitting there through that boring recap of boring daily activities is enough to suck her dry of any energy that she had.

Lissa's feet take her to the courtyard, it's considered late night for the vampire world, the sun is coming up. She stands out in the middle of the yard, closing her eyes and listening to the sounds of the rest of the world going to sleep. The sunlight isn't quite unbearable yet. It doesn't help her much in her energy slump but when she closes her eyes and wraps her arms around herself she imagines me.

It's like when we were on the run in the academy. When the two of us had to adjust to the human schedule. I wouldn't think back on those times necessarily as fondly but it was a somewhat more simpler time. I was ignorant to a lot in the world. There was still so much that wasn't on my radar, wasn't a possibility in my life back then.

Like the possibility that I would be a Strigoi at some point in my life. The threat of Strigoi was always real, was alway prevalent in our every day lives, but never had I considered that one day I would be on that side. That I would be fighting a horrible, fruitless battle to maintain some part of my humanity.

I am not even all that sure I understand myself what is going on with me. I feel different, I feel as I would expect to feel now that I'm not longer Dhampir, but at the same time, there is like this weight on my chest and shoulders, hanging from my neck. It's like it's holding me down... almost anchoring me to my former life. Like I don't have the same willingness as all the Strigoi before me to forsaken that part of myself.

Where there are some liberties that I enjoy now as a Strigoi, such as enhanced speed and strength, they don't outweigh the drawbacks in my eyes. Where that bothers me greatly, others don't seem to notice. Is it because I'm a new Strigoi? Or is because of my still lingering connection to Lissa?

I am pulled from my thoughts when someone calls out to Lissa.

"Hey, somehow I knew I would find you out here," a very familiar voice says from behind the young Queen. Lissa doesn't turn around, she only raises her arms up slightly to let his arms slip around her waist. She turns her head to kiss Christian Ozera's cheek before looking forward again. "How are you doing?" He asks softly, breath warm against the side of her neck.

Lissa leans back against the comforting weight. "I'm sad," she says. She doesn't have to elaborate. And she knows that Christian would feel silly for asking. It's obvious why she's sad.

That's when I feel it. The darkness swirling around Lissa. It's far greater than the last time I saw her. Her depression is feeding it, making it harder for me to pull the darkness from her. An action that has just become natural to me. She's spiraling. It's getting harder for her to see the good in life. Spirit is sucking the life out of her. It's pulling her into this deep dark abyss that I'm not confident she can pull herself out of it.

Lissa shakes her head, forcing the darkness away a bit. She turns to look over her shoulder at the protective shadow that was looking out over Christian. Something twists painfully in my gut at the sight of him.

Dimitri looks worn out and exhausted. He looks like he hasn't slept well in way too long. He has dark circles under his eyes and his skin look slightly paler. He's made up professionally, but there is something about him that just looks worn out. I don't know how I to explain it. Just looking at him, I can see that something is weighing heavily on him. I try not to think about it, that it's me that is the reason that he's so...

I don't know the word. He just looks like... like he's lost his will power. Like there is no feeling in him anymore. Like he's just some sort of empty husk. He's not my Dimitri under the surface. He's just a shell. A painful dagger of despair twists in my gut. It's because I screwed up and got caught by the Strigoi that he's like this. And I have to wonder if I looked anything like that when he was a Strigoi.

I have to wonder what's wrong with us to be acting like this zombies after losing each other. If that's not fierce dedication to one another, I don't know what is. We are either really meant for each other or really bad for each other. I'm not sure if I want to know the answer to that. For some reason, we melt into ourselves like an ice cube into water, without the other. For some unknown reason we have such a dependence on each other, that without, it's like nothing else matters.

When I lost Dimitri, I forsaken my chances of being with Lissa as her Guardian just to chase him down because of a promise we made each other. For some reason that reigned supreme over my desire to protect Lissa. A man I had only known a few months became so important... I just don't know what to think. I know it should be wrong, but I don't want the dedication we had for one another to stop. I'm not even upset that he isn't out looking for me. I'm relieved that he has a little bit more control over himself than I do.

Dimitri always was the one who knew how to handle himself. It was something that I had admired him for, and something that drove me insane a little bit. But I'm happy. Happy that he's still there, protecting Lissa and Christian. That is what means most to me. So long as their safe, I don't mind sitting around watching Lissa be happy so long as she's alive. So long as she's under no threat of me hurting her. I wouldn't mind protecting her from a distance. It is something that Guardians have to accept.

But looking at Dimitri just breaks both mine and Lissa's heart. Dimitri is so sad, so... not himself. He tries hard to hide it, but Lissa has noticed the steady decline in my Russian eye candy's health and even will power. She wishes that she could do something to help him but all of his free time is spent alone in his and my room. Lissa doesn't know how to help him.

"Dimitri..." Lissa says, wanting nothing more than to just take the pain, so obvious in his dark eyes, away.

For a moment, Dimitri just stares back at her, as if her voice didn't fully register, before he bows his head a little and says, "My Queen?"

Lissa's eyebrows pull together. "Are you okay? Do you... do you need to take some time off?"

He shakes his head, staring back at Lissa was dark, emotionless eyes. "No need, my queen. I'm fine. I'm just doing my job. Please don't concern yourself with my needs."

Lissa presses her lips tightly together, wanting to tell him that she does concern herself. His health and his happiness means a lot to her. To see him working his hardest to suffer in silence. To not let it be completely obvious that he's in pain. But Lissa can see it and it breaks her heart. It hurts to see the person that I held so dear so upset and broken up inside because of me. Lissa just doesn't know how to make him feel better. She doesn't know how to make herself feel better.

"It's getting late," Christian says after a long moment of silence. "Why don't we go back inside?"

Lissa looks out over the courtyard one last time, not all that sure she knows what she wants to see but whatever it is, she doesn't see it. She bids a silent goodbye to the daylight, before following Christian inside, Dimitri following silently at their heels.

I pull myself back into my own body. I open my eyes and look around the parking garage, watching as humans get up and start their day. I get a few weird looks but thankfully no one approaches me. Once the majority of the garage is devoid of cars and human life, I close my eyes again, bringing my knees to my chest. I grab Abe's phone, it's almost half charged. I hit the power button and hold it until it turns on.

As the phone wakes up, a barking laugh escapes me at the fifteen missed calls. It's all the same number and I have no doubt that it's Abe trying to get into contact with me. There is also fifty-seven unread texts. A lot of them are really shady things. Like, "the package is ready" and "Bart is looking for you". But then there is a bunch of texts from the number I'm assuming is Abe's.

Most of those consist of "Call me" and "Rose, call me" and "Don't ignore me, Rose, call back" that only reinforces my belief that it's Abe. I shake my head and then text back, "Are you sleeping, old man?"

I lay the phone down next to me and wrap my arms around my legs, resting my chin on my knee. I close my eyes and start to drift to sleep when the phone vibrates next to me. I reach over and grab it, the bright screen making me flinch. I read with one open the eye, the other squinted closed. It's a response from Abe. "Where have you been, Rose? I've been trying to reach you!"

"You gave me a phone half dead with no charger. I finally got my hands on one. Sorry." I lay the phone down next to me and just sat there, watching it.

A minute later, the screen lights up again with Abe's response. "Can I call you now? Are you free?"

"Sure." I send back and then cradle the phone in my hand and wait. Not even a minute later it lights up again with a call from the number. I pick it up, putting the phone to my ear. "Is today Christmas? Getting a call from my superhero father! Mommy said that you left to save the day! How's that going?"

I can practically hear Abe roll his eyes. "Now, now, Rosemarie, you know a busy man's job is never done." I find a bit of comfort in the familiar thick Turkish accent that could only be Abe's.

I shake my head. "Speaking of jobs; you have a lot of shady ass text messages."

Abe hums on the other side. "Oh yeah? Shipments done with?" He sounds amused.

I snort, shifting a little to get into a more comfortable position. "Sure, and some guy named Bart is looking for you."

There is a moment of silence, then, "How old is that text?"

My eyebrows pull together. "I don't know. A week, maybe?" I sit up a little bit, narrowing my eyes. "Why?"

There is a another stretch of silence. I pull the phone away to look at it to make sure I didn't somehow drop the call. I put it back to my ear and open my mouth, about to ask him if he was still there, when he says, "Do me a favor, will you? Turn the GPS off on that, alright?"

I pull the phone away and stare at it, as if it would suddenly be able to make this entire conversation make sense. I put it back to my ear again, narrowing my eyes suspiciously. "What? What the hell is that? Do I need to worry about my life?"

"Not at all," Abe says. "Just do that favor for me." A pause, then, "And avoid strangers."

"Abe!"

"Never mind that, are you okay? Where are you?" Abe asks.

I run a hand through my dark hair. "I'm in Iowa. I was heading to Court but now I think that was a really stupid thing to do. I don't even know what to do."

"Where in Iowa, Rose? Iowa is a big place."

"Not as big as Texas, or Florida," I say, smiling. I hear a soft sigh on the other side. Not exactly annoyed. If anything, it's a bit relieved. It makes me a little happy to hear that he and I can still joke around like we used to. It's a bit strange when I think about it. Somehow my anchor to my old life is my old man. Out of all the people in my life, somehow it's Abe that's the only thing solidly tethering me to who I used to be.

"Rosemarie, do you really think now is the time to be playing around?" Abe asks, not sounding too annoyed or upset.

I shrug, even though I know he can't see it. "If Al Capone is out looking for me, joking around might just be my legacy. You are really going to ask me to give that up after my days are already numbered?"

Abe scoffs on the other line. "Where in Iowa are you?"

"I'm in downtown Des Moines," I tell him, shifting a bit more to get into a more comfortable position. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to come get you. I'll call you again when I get into Des Moines. Do not leave, Rosemarie, I will be there in a few days," Abe says. "Stay close to your phone. I mean it, Rose."

"I will."

Abe hums, pleased at me being compliant. "Good. I'll be there in a few days. And Rose?"

"Yeah, Abe?" I say, running another hand through my hair, working the tangles out without much care.

"Turn off the GPS on that phone. I'll call you when I get there, but I'll be texting you so stay close," Abe says again.

I groan. "I'm not ten, I got it. And don't tell me to not talk to strangers, I already know that. Now, whatever you're doing, do it. I won't move. I don't exactly have anything else to do or anywhere else to go. I'll stick around."

There is a long pause and I think Abe heard the strange... almost lost sound in my voice. I heard it myself. I didn't mean to make it sound like that, it just happened. A long sigh escapes me. I stretch, cracking my spine. I settle back in place and rub the back of my neck. After the silence stretched on for almost a minute, I finally lean back against the wall behind me.

"I'm going to go, okay, Abe? Text me later, then," I say and then hang up, not sure I want to hear his goodbye. I can't understand why. I never got to really say goodbye to the people in my life. I shake my head, it's all too weird. It's not me. Next time I see him...I have to act a lot more Rose-like. I need to be a really big wise-ass. I need to up the ante for my wise-ass-ery. I really got to blow myself away with just how witty I am, next time. Perhaps something like that will make me feel better, more like myself.

True to my word, I keep my phone near me and respond to all of his texts over the next couple of days. I move around downtown hopping from one sheltered back alley to the next garage complex. I try to keep the hunting to a minimum. I try not to hunt good people, only the filth of the universe, but surprisingly there isn't as much there as I would have thought. Not that Des Moines strikes me as a town of trash and filth, but still, I just assumed bad people are everywhere. Maybe if they are in Des Moines, they are smart enough to avoid dark places at night.

During today's phone call, Abe mentioned that he would be in town around human noon today so I have about twelve hours until then. I have absolutely no idea where he's been but I'm just relieved that he will be here with me and be able to tell me what to do next. Ever since I left Mattias and his band of merry women, I've been sort of making my way to Court, but I have no reason to.

I'm not a Dhampir, I shouldn't want to go there. I'm not even a Moroi. I'm Strigoi and it's considered Strigoi suicide to go there. Court is filled to the brim with Moroi, a good portion of which are starting to learn how to use their powers against Strigoi, and some of the best Dhampir Guardians. I'm completely crazy for making my way over to Court. I'm not even sure what I thought that would accomplish. I'm not normal. I'm not Rose-normal. I'm Strigoi-Rose. Not the Rose I want to be.

I walk through the bright lit streets. A couple walks by me, laughing about some movie that they just saw. I pull the black leather jacket tighter around myself, but not because of the cold. It feels as if someone is watching me. I stop in the middle of the sidewalk, a man bumps into me from behind. He snaps something about me needing to not stop while in the middle of sidewalk before shoving around me and keeps going. I look around me, at all the people walking around. Someone is definitely watching me. I would never have made it this far in my life if I didn't learn to follow my gut.

My eyes run over the crowded streets. I saw something that seemed so insignificant, a man, talking on a pay phone, turned half away from me. I kept looking on, passed him when I realized that, while he was turned away from me, his eyes were focused on me. I look around a bit more, making it appear as though I don't know who's watching me, and then turn, tilting my head down and walking further down the street. I reach a four-way intersection and stop, using this moment to check to see that the pay phone man is no longer at the pay phone, he's just across the street, peaking in at a lit up shop's window.

I cross the street and walk down that side of the street. Once I reach the most deserted street I can get to at 12:30 at night, I duck into the nearest back alley. I hide in the shadow. I wait in silence, with bated breath. I strain my enhanced hearing trying to locate the smooth, nearly silent footsteps, edging closer and closer to my position. I knew it, he is following me.

As soon as his rapidly beating heart is right next to me, on the other side of the wall, I pounce. I spin around to the other side of the wall and wrap my hand around his throat and shoving him hard against the wall. As soon as my hand touches his flesh, as soon as his scent reaches my nose, I knew. This man was a Dhampir. Whereas I would have no idea as Dhampir myself.

"You either are very, very naive or very, very stupid," I snarl, pressing myself tight against him, glaring up into his dark eyes.

He stares down at me, lips pressing together into a thin line. "Strigoi," he says quietly, eyes wide.

"Dhampir," I growl, blinking at him slowly. "So which is it? Stupid or naive? Or is it a little bit of both?"

He swallows thickly, Adam's apple bobbing a bit. I watch the motion for a moment, feeling my mouth fill with saliva. I quickly divert my eyes, forcing down the hot wave of hunger that clenched my throat. I take a few moments to force down the hungry.

"You are a real living, breathing, Strigoi!" The man says, as if astounded. His eyes are wide.

I groan, pulling back, letting him fall back flat on his feet. The man reaches up and rubs the spot where I was pinning him to the wall. I turn away, running a hand through my hair. "I'm being stalked by a moron," I sigh. I make my way down the street. I can't believe a Dhampir would be stupid enough to act like that in front of a Strigoi. If I was anyone else, or at the very least a better Strigoi, things would have ended a lot more different than they are.

I feel an angry growl escape me when I hear the heavy footsteps come up behind me. I spin around and deck him as hard as I possibly can without breaking his jaw. He flies back a couple of feet before hitting the concrete hard. I close the distance between us and kneel over his prone body. He's on his side, groaning in pain, holding onto the injured side of his face. He looks up at me with dark eyes as I glare down at him.

"Listen up, dumbass, next time you meet a Strigoi on the street; run. Because I can almost guarantee that they will break your neck for being as idiotic as you've been. If that Strigoi turns out to be me..." I shake my head. "You had just better hope that your luck doesn't turn out to be that bad. Get me? Now leave me alone or so help me." I glare down at him a moment longer, before straightening up and continuing on my way.

It wasn't until I was about a block away, readjusting the strap on my backpack, that I really stopped to think about what just happened. What the hell was wrong with that guy? Obviously he was a Dhampir with training, or at least preliminary knowledge of our lives, and for some reason, he approached me like an eager ten year old meeting his childhood hero for the first time. Not the full grown, possibly mid to late 20's year old man that he appeared to be. Something about him was just unmistakably off about his attitude.

The thought makes me stop and tilt my head. Is he one of those people who hear and learn about Strigoi and have some kind of fascination with them that they end up doing what they can to become one? Like Christian Ozera's parents and Hannah? Or to get away from the pain and madness that was threatening to consume them? Like Sonya Karp? No, I can't concern myself with the delusions of a crazy Dhampir man.

I cast a look over my shoulder into the darkness of the night. I look around, wondering if he was crazy enough to keep following me. But there isn't anyone around out there. Either I managed to get away before he could collect himself, or he finally got a little bit of sense come to him.

Turning back around, I keep walking around aimlessly, no longer in the mood to feed tonight. In fact, I search for my next home for the night - I end up going to a hotel, the first real splurging I've done since I left Mattias's care - and take my first bath in too long. As a Strigoi, I hardly sweat and have hardly any oder. It's so faint I can barely notice it. But I enjoy soaking in the tub with my hair all pulled up into a messy bun with the water as hot as humanly possible. I can feel the warmth as if I was wrapped up in a warm blanket. It's the perfect amount of heat for my chilled body. I lean back and relax, closing my eyes.

Abe should be here in a couple of hours - human noon - to pick me up, hopefully well aware that I'll sizzle away to nothing if he's not prepared for the sun, to take me to who knows where. Whenever I asked him where we were going to go after he picked me up he refused to answer. He did that typical Abe thing where he mockingly reassured me that we were going somewhere safe and that I didn't need to worry, which only made me worry more. To be honest, the last thing I was to do is be taken to his secret American Branch hide out where he does his illegal dealings and breaks knee caps.

The corner of my mouth quirks up a bit at the thought of Abe recruiting me to be part of his shady ass business. No longer would he need Povel and Asland to break people's knee caps when I could do it with half the effort and then drink their blood afterward. Would I suffer from a guilty consciousness if I figured out that they were just good people who trusted the wrong kind of man? Yes, but in all honesty; I have no where else to go. I'm lucky that Mattias hasn't sent Libby after me yet. And if he has, I'm lucky she hasn't found me yet.

Thinking about it now, I bet Libby is vicious. I hadn't given much thought of it when I was in the same house as her, but thinking about it now, I know she is dangerous. Her loyalty to Mattias is fierce and unwavering, but I never really thought of just how fierce it could be. If Mattias is to her as Lissa is - er, was - to me, then that loyalty could have only gotten more powerful as she changed into a Strigoi. She did it, without a doubt, to protect him. And I'm betting that she, and I mean the real Libby, not the one that just sits back and watches all of us with cold, distant eyes. I mean the Libby that would protect Mattias to her very last breath would go to hell and back for him. A thousand times over. I bet she would go and stand in the bright noon sun if he had asked her to.

It's with that thought that I have to wonder; would I be able to say the same for myself and Lissa? If she were to have turned Strigoi instead of me, would I have been able to follow her? Would I have been able to stay as loyal and comfortable in my place as a peon at her side when technically we were now equals as Libby did? I mean, I know to Lissa I am her best friend, there is no such thing as status between us, but still...

The thought leaves a strange pain in my chest.

I finally climb out of the tub and pull the plug, letting the water drain out. I quickly put on the nice complimentary bath robe, plucking my dirty clothes from the ground, and walk into the bedroom. I put my clothes next to my bag and close the blinds, then the curtains blocking out any chance of light filtering in through the window before jumping onto the bed and turning on the television. I make myself comfortable and flip through the channels. How long has it been since I've done something as menial as watching television? I never got into it all that much but every once in a while Dimitri and I would curl up in bed together and watch some shows or movies just to kill time or to enjoy the silence between us.

I stop on some comedy show and lay onto my side, not really watching. I try not to focus on the empty space next to me. The space that should be occupied by my lovely Russian boyfriend but instead it is like a festering wound. It's there, getting harder and harder to ignore as it gets worse off. After seeing Dimitri a couple of days ago, all I can do is think about him and Lissa and Christian and wonder how they are doing. I can't bring myself to visit Lissa again. Even thought I know I can and more than once have I caught myself half way to her and had to stop myself, I can't bring myself to completely go through with it.

I don't want to see Dimitri spiraling downward. I don't want to see him like I was when he was gone. Cold and sad and desperate for something to make me feel better. That was how Adrian and I got together, and subsequently ruined our precious friendship. I loved Dimitri with all my heart and I knew that. I knew that, and I still tried to be with Adrian because I don't know how to live without Dimitri. I don't want to see Dimitri acting like me. Seeking out someone to help fill that hole that has no doubt appeared in his every-day life.

But more than that, I don't want to see him move on. I don't want to see any of them move on. I don't want to see Lissa and Christian and Dimitri move and be happy without me in their life. I want them to be happy, but not without me. I know it's selfish and I hate myself for thinking it but I want to be something that they want, something that they think of fondly. Not just somebody that they knew.

After a few hours of mindlessly staring at the people on the screen, I finally turn the television off and curl up onto my side. I close my eyes and try to sleep.

Abe shows up outside my hotel door exactly when he promised. It is human noon when I opened the door and let him, Povel and Asland into my little hotel room. Naturally, Abe walks in like he owns the place, as oddly dressed as he usually is. Although I really liked the powder blue shirt this time and the leapord print jacket. I could laugh at just how crazy he looks, but it's kind of a relief that he hasn't changed. I mean, I know it hasn't been that long, only a few weeks since we last spoke face to face, excluding the night that I along with the rest of my Strigoi gang attacked him and his good guy - sorta? - brigade, but it's still nice.

Povel is completely uncomfortable. He's watching my every move like I'm going to go psycho on them at any moment. Yes, he's a good Guardian. But it's also nice to see that while Asland holds a healthy bit of caution entering into Strigoi territory, he also seems slightly happy to see me. Probably because he owes me his life, but still, it's nice to see another friendly face. He even offers a single nod toward me, to which I nod back, feeling like the exchange would be complete if we pounded chests and did a complex handshake, but I suppose that comes later.

Abe looks around the plan room with disinterest before turning to face me, placing his - what I'm sure is a pimp cane - firmly on the floor in front of him, placing both hands over the sleek golden skull at the top. He looks at me with very familiar dark eyes. "Well, Rosemarie, are you ready to depart?"

I nod, grabbing my hair brush out of my bag and running through it a few times swiftly before tossing it into my bag once more and closing it up once more. I turn back to Abe to see his focus solely one me. I wish I could read him. I wish at that moment, when I looked into his eyes as he stared back at me if he saw Rosemarie Hathaway, the daughter he didn't raise but I guess still wants to be the father of. If he Rose Hathaway, the Guardian of Lissa Dragomir? Or if he saw Rose, Strigoi, scourge of the Moroi race.

I didn't ask though. I'm not sure I want to know.

"I'm ready, old man," I say, putting the backpack over my shoulders and stare at him. "Where are we going?"

Abe looks pleased. "Somewhere safe."