Lincoln is just getting started with his day, when already, the first of many things to impede his progress to get through yet another chaotic day in this house approaches.
"LINCOLN!" A bloodcurdling, ear-piercing shriek echoes off the thinner than rice paper walls. It's so powerful, it's rumored the shriek of it alone can peel the paint right off the walls. People might mistake this gratingly shrill scream for a banshee, but no, this being is worse. At least if it was a banshee, you'd be dead within a matter of minutes but no…you're still alive when this one screams.
"Oh boy, it's HER. S, raise threat level to Ροδος."
S does so. An alarm blares, heralding the arrival of the destroyer of the creator's happiness. Upon noticing the alarm, you note that the alarms have a threat level associated with 10 different colors, with 2 off to the right side, and 1 to the left side. Thankfully, the neurons translated it into English (because hey, this show takes place in Royal Woods, Michigan; And Michigan is a part of the good old US of A, which proudly speaks English and not that stuffy Britishismic English either, I'm talking about pureblooded American English) and have an accompanying picture, just in case you couldn't tell who's who (but you're a die-hard Loud House fan (otherwise, why would you be reading this?) so this is not a problem for you at all)!
On the left side, there's only one color:
Πορτοκαλι (orange)
And the picture is of their creator, Lincoln Loud.
"If the alarm is in portokali/orange mode, that means its safe for Lincoln. It's our job to make sure that this default light stays on for as long as possible. It's quite difficult, seeing as we have to help him navigate the chaos of the Loud house." I acknowledges
Moving to the central alarms, there are ten of them, each with a corresponding threat level, from highest to lowest, it goes:
Κοκκινο (red) (Lynn)
Ροδος (pink) (Lola)
Ξανθος (yellow) (Luan)
Πραισινο (green) (Lisa)
Κυανος (cyan) (Lori)
Πορφυρο (purple) (Luna)
Μελανο (black) (Lucy)
Μπλε (blue) (Lana)
Πασχαλια (lilac) (Lily)
Τυρκουαζ (turquoise) (Leni)
"Of course, the sisters are in a league of their own when it comes to danger but the parents…well, they have separate alarms because it's way harder to defuse tensions between Lincoln and them."
Κατακοκκινος (vermilion) (Rita)
Μεσανυχτα πραισινο (midnight green) (Lynn)
"Right now, we're on Rhodos, threat level 2. Just like on DEFCON, the higher the number, the more fucked Lincoln will be if we mess up."
"Lincoln! Oh hey, there you are, big brother. Listen, I need your help coordinating a pageant routine that will wipe off the smug expression of that bitch, Lindsey Sweetwater. So, will you help me?" Lola says, while trying to do the puppy dog eyes to manipulate him
"Word of advice, whatever Lola wants, Lola gets. The last time we said "no" to one of her requests, the house was trashed and Lincoln was knocked unconscious for a few hours with internal hemorrhaging and a few fractured bones! Don't worry though, Lola got what was coming to her."
"Now to respond to Lola, I type up what I want Lincoln to say from the prosencephalon's cerebral supercomputer, then I send the instructions to the specific electro-receiver stations scattered throughout Lincoln's body. We're command central, as everything Lincoln does has to be written out here and sent to where it needs to go. Since we need to say something to Lola, I'll type out what I want to say, and then send it to the VCERS (Vocal Cord Electro-Receiver Station) where the neurons there will manipulate Lincoln's vocal cords to allow him to actually say our message to his little sister, got it?"
You nod in approval.
Print: ("I'd love to, Lola.")
"And…send."
The message was sent to the VCERS. The neurons there process the request and make him say the words. Now, we see what happens back out in the Loud house.
"I'd love to, Lola."
"EEEE! Thank you, Lincoln! I promise not to make your life miserable for any longer than I have to."
One very demeaning pageant co-routine later…
"Well, I didn't think I could have negative dignity. I was wrong."
"To sacrifice what little dignity you had left to help me, it really means a lot, Lincoln…"
"Anything to make you happy, Lola."
The rhodos alarm turns off, while the portokali alarm is back on.
"Well, that was a successful day of appeasing the princess. Now we can make our creator relax by playing some video games. Alright, now let's help him get this prissy princess stuff off…"
Unfortunately for Lincoln, the rest of the sisters see Lincoln in his pageant uniform (that Lola had for him (that Leni made for her)) and naturally mock the notion of a boy wearing something that Lola would wear.
The portokali alarm turns off and 3 of the sister alarms turn on (kokkino, kyanos and porphyro)!
"We have a triple threat. I repeat, we have a triple threat. We are in threat level 1!"
E turns to you and explains.
"In situations like these, where there are multiple sisters threatening Lincoln, the threat level will be the highest sister. In this case, we have threat levels of 1, 5, and 6. But it's still a level 1 threat, because it overrides the others."
Back at the Loud house…
"Wow! I can't believe it. You really don't have any self respect left." Lori chides
"I can hear your heart rale, now it's time for us 9 to assail…" Luna sings
"You know, Ronnie Anne was right. You ARE a lame-o. I was going to try and prove her wrong but now that you've done THIS…well I just HAVE to tell her she's right!"
Quick as a flash, Lynn kickflips Lori's cellphone, and begins typing something.
"HEY! That phone was $800 dollars! So help me, Lynn…if you break that phone, I'll break your bank!" Lori yells at her
Lynn takes a picture of Lincoln, sends the text message then hands the phone back to Lori. Miraculously, the phone wasn't damaged at all. Lori reads the text that Lynn sent…to Bobby…as her.
"Hey, Bobby Boo Boo Bear. My sister Lynn saw the most hilarious thing today. Please, show this to Ronnie Anne."
[insert picture of Lincoln in a dress here]
"From your bodacious babe, Lori."
Lori's phone pings. Bobby texted her back.
"Babe, yo demostró la foto del Lincoln en la vestida y tú fueron correcto. Es muy hilarante. Pero Ronalda piensa es muy humillante. Son tú seguro te obtenieron su hermano's permiso a exponer este? Ella también decirme a decierte que tú eres un gringa desprecio y a ver joderse. Ay, mi novia no hice algo como horrible como este! Por favor, decirme estoy incorrecto!"
Lori frantically texts Bobby to do some damage control while Lynn and Luna continue to mock him.
"You're going to get 261'd, bro. My advice is to take that off and hope no one else sees you." Luna points out
"Come on guys, stop mocking Lincoln! He was helping me!" Lola urges
"Yeah, and that dress was MINE. I gave it to Lola!" Leni adds
"Little hoe, little bitch, suck my 5.3-inch dick! Admit that you just got pounded! I'd say "take the L" if you could pronounce it." Lynn quote sings in front of Lincoln's face
"Really, you think I'm worse than Riscum? I'd thought you'd at least do something better than quote a diss track."
On the plus side, Ian is a way better diss-tracker than Bryan. So at least she has good taste in diss tracks.
"Ooh…I'm telling dad!" Lola goes off to snitch on Lynn
"Got cash, cash, money and the views and the clicks, and yet, you're always gonna be a little bitch." Lynn continues to quote sing
"Alright, what's going on?!" Lynn Sr says, bolting up the stairs
"Lynn was singing an insulting song to Lincoln just because he was helping me with a pageant routine." Lola explains
"That's it; Lynn Jr, you're grounded for insulting your brother!"
"What? But he totally looks like a bitch in Lola's dress!"
"You just added 2 more weeks to your punishment."
"NOOOOOO!"
Threat alarms disabled.
"Thankfully, the situation mostly defused itself. It could have been way worse." S admits
"Ok, now for what we wanted to tell you. Leni got a new dress today and it looks so beautiful. She just wanted to show it to you. Lori also got some ratty thing from Bap…"
"HEY! You take that back! This "ratty thing" cost $60 bucks!"
"And she, for some reason, also wanted to show you it."
"Alright, on the count of three, both of you show Lincoln your dresses."
"1…"
"2…"
"3…"
"Now!"
Both of them reveal a turquoise dress. The SAME turquoise dress. Everyone, even Lincoln, gasps aghastly.
"Code 57, this is a code 57! This is not a drill!" S bellows
"Open epinephrine dispersal units to 100% capacity!" E shouts
"Stimulating flight-or-flight response! Selecting "flight" to his room!" I exclaims
Lincoln bolts it to his room and locks the door, while his sisters do the same, leaving Lori and Leni by themselves to argue about yet another dress and yes, it will be petty.
"Code 57's are serious business! The last time this happened, Lincoln had to LEAVE to reset everything. While that asinine "sister fight protocol" was abolished, code 57 still exists for similar situations."
You look at the 3 codes, which are written entirely in Latin.
Lex Tres: sorors haedique petulci cum Lincoln's vita (soror turbinis)
Lex Quinquagintaseptem: Evitandum quod fastidiens sorors (SEP)
Lex Sexagintasex: Lincoln exsistendum criminationibus agiteris (caper emissarius)
"We're not going to engage them this time, as the last time we did…it didn't go well, let's just say that."
Well, it seems to be working. While the rest of the sisters are ruminating in their respective rooms, Lori and Leni talk it out and get over their petty squabble in record time. Of course, that stupid sister fight protocol being gone also helped immensely.
"I think it's over. I'll go out and check."
Lincoln goes out to recon what happened to their 2 eldest sisters. They're just chilling on the couch.
"Hey guys, did you work things out?"
"Yes."
Lincoln wisely walks away after getting his answer, having learned from the last time not to accidently re-escalate the conflict further.
"Well, it's about time to turn in. So now you know how we help Lincoln survive. See you later. Goodbye."
Lincoln heads off to bed after a long day. He gets in the covers and begins to doze off…
Author's Note: Unlike in Kokkinophobia, the colors are in ancient Greek instead of modern Greek. This is why colors like yellow are translated into "xanthos", instead of "kitrino".
Why did only 3 of the alarms go off? Because...
Lily's a baby, she really doesn't know what's happening. Only that something's wrong.
Lisa couldn't honestly give a fuck about what Lincoln's doing.
Lana knows that Lincoln wouldn't willingly embarrass himself in front of his sisters.
Lola is the one who asked Lincoln for help in the first place, so of course she wouldn't berate him...this time, at least.
Lucy knows what its like to be made fun of (Sleuth or Consequences), she feels the same pain he does.
Luan doesn't want to make fun of him like this, it's way too harsh!
Leni wants everyone to get along, and wouldn't mock anyone.
Actually there are a lot more codes. For example:
Execute command: [Punch]
Target: [Lynn Jr's face]
Command Terminal To Be Received: [RAERS]
This command will be sent to the right arm electro-receiver station and will make Lincoln punch Lynn in the face with his right arm.
Execute command: [Kick]
Target: [Lynn Jr's vagina]
WARNING: ["Target might be wearing a jockstrap and you'll stub your toe if she's wearing one; Proceed?"]
print: ("yes")
WARNING: ["This action is extremely dangerous and may result in some of your sisters hating you; Proceed?"]
print: ("yes")
Command Terminal To Be Received: [LLERS]
If: Lynn== Dodge
Break
Then: Kick== Stop
If: Lynn== Fight
Else: Kick== Slow
If: Pain != Lynn
Then: Console
Console== Execute: Walk
If Lincoln= 5 feet
Then: Execute Walk
If Lincoln= 1 foot
Break
Print:("Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you!")
Execute: {Caress}
Target: [Sister's back]
Command Terminal To Be Received: [LAERS]
Execute: {Stare}
Target: [Eyes]
Command Terminal To Be Received: [LEERS] + [REERS]
Convey: {Sadness}
This situation had Lincoln try to kick Lynn in the balls, but Lynn dodged and he kicked Luan instead. And now, he has to apologize.
Here's what the codes translate to:
Code 3: Sisters butting into Lincoln's life (sister windstorm) (We know it as the "Sisternado")
Code 57: Evading the fastidious (scornful) sisters (SEP) (Soror Elabi Protocol) (Sister Evasion Protocol)
Code 66: Lincoln being falsely accused (scapegoat)
Any added parenthesis are what the "localizations" are.