Chapter 8 – 1976
"Will you sit still Pads?"
"I can't help it, I'm excited for tonight!" said Sirius.
"I'm not," came a small voice from behind the withdrawn curtains of one of the beds.
"Moony, you're awake!" Sirius smiled as he crossed the room, opening the curtains before sitting down on the bed beside his friend. "How are you feeling?" he asked him.
"My entire body is preparing itself to mutate in a couple of hours; how do you think I'm feeling?" he replied sarcastically.
Sirius watched with concern as his friend turned away from him. He reached out to touch him gently on the shoulder.
"It's ok you know, we're all here for you, we'll look after you," he said kindly.
"I know that Pads," Remus replied quietly as he turned back around. "I haven't had any serious injuries in months, it's just… I hate that you guys all have these amazing adventures but when I wake up in the morning I don't remember any of them."
Sirius went to respond but he was cut off.
"And I know what you're going to say and I appreciate that you tell me everything that happens, but it's not the same."
Sirius had had no idea Remus felt that way about his full moon experiences now that his friends all joined him. He knew that the last thing Remus would remember would be lying on the bed watching the sun set and the moon come up. Remus had confided in him that in those moments he was afraid, paralyzed by the thought of what was about to happen before it had even begun. His body would then begin to morph as the transformation took hold and it was so incredibly painful... and then the pain would be gone. That was all Sirius knew.
In the past Remus would wake alone in the morning, and as the numbness subsided he would be left to deal with the consequences of his actions alone until McGonnagal showed up. He was capable of the most basic healing spells himself now, but it had been the loneliness that had always got to him more, not his injuries. He had felt ostracized, and it only ever served to remind him of what he was: a monster.
Now however, everything had changed. When he awoke he was no longer alone in the shak. In fact more often than naught he wasn't even in the shak at all, he would awake to find himself in the forest with his friends all curled protectively around him, still in their animal forms. If he was in the shak it would only be Padfoot that remained with him because Prongs was too big to fit through the tunnel. He secretly preferred the latter. Before he had even opened his eyes he would feel the soft fur against his cheek and it comforted him more than he could say. His body would still be screaming at him in pain, but it was somehow more bearable.
Sirius had always been that one person who could comfort him, could make the aches and pains go away, but while that was still the case to some extent there was now an altogether different pain that being alone with Sirius caused. Remus knew he would never ever be with him in the way that he so desperately wanted to, even if the boy was available now, and while the pains from his transformation seemed more bearable in his presence, he now had to deal with the completely different pain of being hopelessly in love with someone who would never love you back.
It was in these moments, when he was the most vulnerable and stripped down to his most basic senses that he was the most attune to his deepest of feelings. It was obvious that his feelings towards Sirius had grown in intensity over the last year. Whenever he was close by his body would feel alive and when he wasn't he found himself thinking about him constantly. It was, in all honesty, becoming an obsession, and no matter how hard he tried to fight it it just wouldn't go away. He was grateful to have someone like Sirius in his life, even if it was just as a friend, but there was no hiding from the supressed pain that would resurface at odd of moments, stopping him in his tracks and taking his breath away. He wished he could confess how he felt about him, but he knew any feelings Sirius had for him were purely platonic.
"You've never mentioned that before Moony, are you sure there isn't something else?"
Sirius' question broke Remus from his thoughts. He looked at him, with his perfect hair and perfect eyes that were now looking at him filled with concern. Goddammit why did he have to look at him like that?
"It's just that," he forced himself to say.
For the rest of the afternoon all three of Remus' friends tried their best to cheer him up, and later that night all three of his friends had an excellent time playing in the forest with the wolf. When he awoke only one of his friends remained. He was back in the shak and Padfoot was curled up on the floor beside him. He was comfortable and reluctant to move, but he got up to cross the room, find his wand to repair his clothes and put them on before Sirius awoke. The moon had only just gone down and a quick tempus charm told him that he still had a couple of hours before McGonagall would arrive. The numbness was starting to subside as he sat back down and started to stroke the dog affectionately before performing his routine healing spells.
"I'm so glad you're here Sirius," he whispered as he lay back down.
He'd only closed his eyes what felt like a few moments when he was shaken awake again. He opened his bleary eyes to find he was no longer nestled against Padfoot but Sirius himself. "McGonagall's coming," he was saying.
Remus stood up and stretched.
"See you later then," he said with a yawn and a sleepy smile.
Sirius morphed back into the dog and made his way to the door, where Remus noticed Wormtail was waiting. Padfoot would wait with the rat in one of the other rooms until the coast was clear, before heading back to the castle to join the rest of his friends for breakfast.
As he waited he thought about the night he'd just had. It had taken a while for the wolf to give in again and the sound of snarling had filled the shak while Padfoot had tried his best to show his friend that he meant no harm. Eventually the snarling had stopped, but then the wolf had pounced, pinning Sirius to the ground like he had done that very first night. He was afraid, the wolf hadn't behaved like this all year and he knew something must be wrong. He dared not move, he tried to control his breathing, and when the wolf looked him directly in the eye he looked back, and that was when he saw it. For a few brief moments he saw a glimmer of Remus himself.
The way the wolf looked at him was unsettling, there was so much hunger there and it frightened him. As he always did he followed the wolves lead, and it was fairly obvious that it was not in the mood for a run through the forest. Padfoot lay still while it sniffed at him, and then to his surprise the wolf began to lick and nibble at him. It didn't seem like a malicious act either, it was almost affectionate, as if it was actually playing with him. He dared not play back, for fear he had read it wrong, but this was most certainly a new development. Was Remus learning to control it? He really hoped so, this was strange and definitely unexpected, but it was actually nice. Remus and he were just friends, and while they cuddled in bed when they couldn't sleep that was as far as it went. He didn't really know why being with the wolf like this felt right but since he could never do anything like this while they were in human form he decided to just make the most of it while the boy would have no memory of it in the morning!
After the wolf had finally let Padfoot go it kept close to him the whole night. It followed him to the door when the dog had gone to signal to Wormtail that they wouldn't be coming out, and if it noticed the interaction with the rat then it didn't seem to mind. The whole night had been something different and new, and exciting! But what did it all mean? Sirius had found himself thinking about his friend a lot more than usual lately, almost too much if he was honest, but he didn't know why. Ever since he had become an animagi it seemed that there was this new connection between them, maybe it was a canine thing. They had always been close but this was something else. He wanted to talk to him about it but he knew Remus would have no memory of the night they'd just shared, and he didn't want to confuse or embarrass him, so he decided to let it go until he got his head around it all himself.