Author's note: I am getting back into these books and rereading them. If you've been considering picking the books back up for another go, I would suggest it. I'm still picking up things that I missed out on before that make them so much better! Thank you all for your patience and it's nice to see tha some people are still interested. XD Let me know what you think! Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything belongs to Richelle Mead, the most brilliant woman in the world.
Warning: Language mostly.
Word Count: 5,379
I lied to him. I hate lying. I'm not good at it, and I hate the way that it makes me feel. I am not good at lying at all. Thankfully since turning Strigoi my control over my face has increased greatly as the number of expressions I am capable of exhibiting become limited to staring blankly or eerily. There was nothing in between those. So while I'm still no good at lying, at least my face isn't giving me away anymore. I have that going for me.
A part of me was touched by what he did. It is very clear to me just how bad that could - and did, really - blow up in my face. In that first picture, I looked like a monster. The monster that I always figured I was now that I was Strigoi, but it was another thing to really see it. Feeling it was one thing, but that picture was proof that no matter how strange I felt, and how almost Rose I felt, that I wasn't ever going to be Rose Hathaway, Dhampir, and Guardian of Queen Vasilisa Dragomir ever again.
I hate myself. I hate that my snarky attitude and a problem with authority figures and mommy issues stopped me from really building a stable relationship with my father while I was alive. Sure, things changed with my mom as I really stopped looking at her like the worst person in the world and started looking at her as a person, but accepting my mom for who she is and the decisions she made didn't prepare me for Abe. Moroi dads tend to vanish in the wind pretty fast after the child is conceived and while Abe wasn't there for the first eighteen years of my life, he is trying now. In fact, since coming into my life, he hasn't let me down.
Not once.
He was my lawyer when I was accused of treason, then blew up Court when it came down to me possibly - definitely - losing the case just to make sure that I survived. He was the one who sought out the deaf Moroi with the ability to create shields from sunlight to help me - eh, somehow? - and he came back for me the moment I called him after turning into his natural enemy. He had a lot of instances where he could have said screw it, but he never even seemed like he wanted to.
He just took everything in stride.
I envy him in that way. How he makes himself so untouchable yet I can feel the love. Not in a sappy way, but he's said it enough times - for someone you love you'll do just about anything - to get the hint. He loves me. I'm his daughter, and he loves me. And when I was alive, he was my father and I grew to love him too.
A lot of Moroi fathers weren't like Abe. Hell, no one was quite like Ibrahim Mazur. But a lot of Moroi fathers for Dhampir children, are either deadbeat dads who do it to continue the Dhampir race as some sort of civic duty, abusive jerks who just prefer the perks that come with a Dhampir baby mama because society views her as not good enough to be his wife but still good enough for the perks on his side like Dimitri's douchebag dad, or they conceive a kid and whether they know it or not, they never see them, until they do. Then they either never contact that child because they want nothing to do with them, or they become like Abe and become a dad.
Sure... he's not what I would call a shining example of a good role model or someone I would care to run into in a dark alley somewhere, but he's not bad at being a dad, surprisingly enough. He's jumped headlong into my life to be my dad. There seemed to have been no ill will between him and my mom, which leads me to believe she probably didn't tell him because she probably didn't think it mattered. Moroi dads everywhere and all the time, shirk the responsibilities they have to their children and maybe she thought Zmey would be one of them regardless of how she felt about him.
She at least liked him well enough after having not seen him for years or told him about his child to get mad enough at me that when I said that whole Freudian thing she hit me in the face. In my eye. Which I'm still pretty sure was out of bounds. And a cheap shot. Whether I deserved it or not isn't the point at all.
When they met up again, they really seemed to still like each other, which is weird. A part of me wonders, if my mom ever gets tired of being a Guardian, if the Old Man would marry her. Maybe the entire reason he never did was because of how important her job is for her. I don't know, maybe I'm becoming sentimental and imposing young Rose's desires for a family unit happy like the Dragomirs onto present Rose's predicament. Maybe even if Mom stops being a Guardian one day, she will simply find someone else, or live alone. Maybe what Abe and Janine had was in the past and while they like to flirt - I just got a sickening shiver from that - it may never be more than that again.
We may never know. Especially me, because of how good my mom is at her job, I can imagine how everything with her will turn out. And as much as I would like for things to be different... I don't think that they are. Or will be.
I could feel it in me. I know that while I'm not Rose Hathaway, I'm not completely Strigoi either. I'm not sure if going to Lissa and getting staked with a stake embued with Spirit is going to save me. It will probably just kill me. I don't want to hurt Lissa or anyone else that I love, but I can't help the feeling that I'm not done here. I'm not supposed to just go out this way. I can still help Lissa. I can still protect her, I just can't do it the convenient way anymore. I can't stand by her side and do it any longer.
I might be the first Strigoi in history that would go walking to Court and spread my arms wide and let myself be staked by the young Queen who just so happened to be my best friend if it would turn me back into Dhampir. If I believed that it would work, I would do it in a heartbeat - ey, punny - but I keep getting this aching feeling that it's not right that I feel that way. That it's because I'm different that I feel that way. It was just like when I was Shadow-Kissed. I'm living somewhere between two points of being. I always knew that something was different about me, but when I learned about Anna and Vladamir it all made sense.
But then Tasha shot me and I almost died again - or I did die, again? - and it brought me to one side finally after Spirit wasn't used to save me, but modern medicine. I was alive once more, no longer Shadow-Kissed. Or, at least, I thought so. I lost my connection to Spirit through Lissa for a long time but being at Gerard and Alina's house helped me find it again. But it's especially odd since becoming Strigoi my connection with her has become stronger than it's been in a as strong as when I was Shadow-Kissed but stronger than it's been since just after the connection was thought to be broken. Is it because I've really delved back into the connection with her because it makes me feel alive or at least, more like Rose than I had for a while?
But I had to get out of that hotel room for a little bit, and while I couldn't go far and I knew Abe was being considerate for the three of them to not want to witness me feed on someone, and didn't offer to send one of his guardians with. Not that either of them would have wanted to see that. Thankfully, though, I'm not hungry, so I can wander around the hotel without anyone tailing me. At least for a bit. If I know Zmey, he'll give me a bit of time, but he will soon send someone out to look for me.
It's dark out, night for humans, so I could leave if I wanted to. After the fourth time circling the building, I do leave. I wanted to walk away from how spending what could only loosely be considered quality time with my father, just to catch my breath but as soon as I am outside, listening to the nightlife of the city we stopped at just over the border of Ohio, I'm tired. And sad. Tired because it feels like days of running and hiding and keeping my head low while fighting every aspect of who I am now as it wars with who I once was, has worn me out on an emotional and mental level. And sad, because the weirdness of how I deal with Abe is mostly out of my own making.
I accept him as my father, and I do care for him deeply, love him even, especially after everything we've been through and all that he's done for me, I am still scared to let him into my heart for fear of him turning out to be like every other Moroi dad. At least, that was my fear while I was alive. Now that I'm dead - or undead - my fear is that the hunger will take me in a moment and I'll do something I'll regret. I haven't drank from a Moroi or a Dhampir yet - as far as I could tell seeing as Dhampir looks just like humans, but none of them were trained, at least - so it's a running streak, I guess. But all luck runs out eventually and I'm terrified that I will hunger for my father and kill him.
I remember when Natalie turned, my sharp dig at Victor Dashkov. Aren't you worried that your new Strigoi daughter will thirst for the Moroi blood in your veins? And he did look a bit leery. He wasn't afraid of Natalie - and if he was he didn't show it or I wasn't keen enough to see it at the time - but he did give a healthy amount of caution when dealing with her for the brief amount of time that he did.
Abe doesn't seem to have that fear. No matter how many snide jokes I play about being hungry or how dangerous I am to him, he never looks all that concerned. Either he's a lot more in control of that aspect of himself, where his fear or unease isn't prevalent on his face mostly, or... he simply isn't afraid of me.
He is so weird.
I walk through the dark, cold night, barely feeling the chill. It's getting frigidly cold at night as of late, as we draw closer and closer to winter. I am not actually all that hungry - surprising since I haven't eaten in a few days - but I probably should eat while I'm out. I'm sure Asland, Pavel, and Abe will all be relieved if I don't go ravenous while they are sleeping tonight. They might even thank me.
My hunt brings me to a loud bar with blasting music and the strong stench of alcohol and smoke filters from the bar. I can also pick up a tinge of vomit and the musk of sex once I get close enough. I can hear the sounds of a man and a woman moaning in the alley next to me as I pass. I pause out of their view to listen for signs of one or either of them being forced or incoherent. The woman speaks, smooth full sentences and the man responds, also pretty clear. They smell like alcohol, but they also seem pretty aware.
No one is being forced. They are consensual in the act. That was all I needed. I keep walking until I'm in the bar. I had changed into ripped jeans tucked into the boots Lissa gave me, the Disney shirt now partially tucked into my pants and belt and a simple black jacket. I probably look like I'm sixteen rather than nineteen. I hope nobody tries to card me, I don't have any ID on me. Not that I'm old enough to drink anyway, but the last thing I want to do is garner too much-unwanted attention. So long as I avoid the bar, I should be okay. Besides, I didn't come for an alcoholic beverage.
It's more of a sit-eat-and-drink-while-listening-to-live-bands-play sort of bar, which suited me fine. It was nice and dark and no one gave me much of a second thought because their eyes couldn't distinguish my features as well as I could theirs. My Dhampir eyes would have allowed me to see relatively okay in the dark, but it's my Strigoi eyes that give me near perfect sight. I lower my eyes from the band playing a cover of a song that I faintly remember hearing on the car ride from the airport to Gerard and Alina's house with Richmond.
He was such a talker, that one, that could go on and on about just about anything that crossed his mind. He reminded me so much of Natalie from back in the Academy and it's crazy that it's already been about two years since that simpler time. Sure, everything was scary and confusing back then, but at least it was all things that could be handled. Now it feels like everything is monstrous and unfathomable and the answers seem so out of reach. Back then, everything felt hopeless but it wasn't. It could be handled, and maybe I had always had the tools to handle it differently, but it all played out and ultimately worked out.
Maybe years from now I'll be able to look back on this time and not see it as the impossible task it seems to be. Not sure how I can look back and not think that turning Strigoi hasn't completely ruined my life and somehow isn't a big deal, but, well, here's to hoping.
The thirst for blood is an odd feeling. Something that isn't quite a hunger and isn't quite thirst either. It's something more akin to a tightness in the neck and a scratchiness in the throat. An emptiness in the gut. I remember whenever I was really hungry, my go-to meal with a big juicy burger and salty fries. Not the best thing in the world for my health but I always craved it. They made us eat so healthy at the Academy that being on our own for those two years had really spoiled me.
If I could have a cheeseburger now...
"Hey, my name is Amanda and I'll be your waitress this evening," A waitress comes over, pulling me from my thoughts. "What can I get for you?"
"Nothing," I say, shaking my head.
"Are you sure?" She asks, giving me a peculiar look, probably trying to make out my features in the dark. She can probably make out my Disney shirt but can't really tell exactly what my face looks like. I'm not old enough to be here, but maybe the sound of a familiar song - no matter how vague - is what drew me to this loud, smokey bar. I've never drank from someone who has alcohol in their system. Maybe that changes how the blood tastes. Does that mean I could get drunk off of this?
Suddenly reconsidering, I look around the dark room. Like when I returned to St. Vladamir's Academy after protecting Lissa - huh, kinda - for two years I wasn't as much of a party girl anymore. I still had a few drinks like when Lissa used compulsion to trash that other boy's room because he was mistreating that Feeder girl and when Adrian invited us to his party at the spa in that Ski Resort were two such occasions, but the amount of times I've gotten drunk has decreased significantly from before I left.
It just lost its appeal as I became more mature. Somewhat. Both to drinking having lost its appeal and that I've matured.
"I'm sure," I say, eyes still scanning the room.
Amanda waits a moment longer before asking, "I can't get you a water or anything? Our special tonight is - "
"Water will be fine," I say, bringing my eyes back to her. Either my eyes really do glow in the dark for humans too, or the light reflected off my face from the stage enough for her to see something that elicited a reaction from her. She jerks a bit, eyes locked onto my own before she hurriedly excuses herself to walk away briskly. I don't bother watching her go.
I should feed. I know I should, it's been days. But I don't want to. I don't have the heart to. Nothing looks appetizing to me. No one, I mean. I shut down and just abided by the will of Mattias and surrendered to my new life when I fed on humans. When I brought them to the brink of death and then left them there because I couldn't go all the way. I couldn't kill someone who didn't somehow deserve it. I kept it to myself and drank slowly so that everyone else was done with and gone and I could leave my prey somewhere they could be found by passing Dhampir, human or Alchemist. Even Moroi. Someone who would see and know.
At least that they needed help. At least.
This situation is making me feel like something I don't want to feel like. Not a Strigoi, I've already accepted that I'm never going to just accept this feeling lying down, at least not anymore, it's making me feel like a victim. And that's not me. I told Adrian that. I can't be that person who can't do anything. I can't be that girl that just sits around waiting for her cowboy in a long brown duster to come save her. I can't be that girl. I don't want to be that girl.
I am not a victim. I can't be the victim. It's not me. It's not Rose.
Two songs played while I was lost in my thoughts and at some point, the water was dropped off at my table. I glance down at it, disinterested before standing up and turning toward the door, pushing my way through the crowd with my head bowed a bit.
"Ma'am?" Amanda steps in front of me and looks into my eyes, her own dark ones wide. "Do you... do you need anything or..?"
"No," I say, moving around her. "Nothing."
For a second there, she almost looked like she was going to reach out to grab me, but stops herself at the last second. But I saw it, and while my interest is perked, I know there isn't a point in lingering. I step out of the hot bar and into the frigid night air, making my way back toward the hotel, keeping my head bowed and letting my boots drag.
Asland is standing outside when I make it to him. His entire body tenses up when I step out of the shadows next to him. He relaxes a little when I lift my face and look at him under the light of the hotel signs.
"Welcome back..." he says slowly. I can see him looking at my mouth, probably happy that I cleaned up after myself. I'm sure he's imagining it was some sort of bloodbath.
"Thanks," I mumble.
"Mr. Mazur sent me - " Asland starts, I hold up my hand stopping him.
"I figured. Don't worry about it, but I've got a question."
He nods. "Go ahead." He wraps his arms around himself as a particularly strong breeze hits us like an arctic blast. I feel it that time. I curl a bit this time to block it out.
"My old man doesn't have feeders on hand, usually, right?" Asland stares at me with large, dark eyes, like I'm speaking a foreign language. Well, sure, English isn't his native tongue but we haven't had a communications barrier yet. I don't know why he's looking at me like that now. "What?"
"Nothing," he says quickly, pulling his large, dark coat tighter around himself. "Mr. Mazur rarely has time to indulge in a quiet sit down with a Feeder." He hesitates, staring at me. "Why do you ask, Ms. Hathaway?"
"Rose," I say automatically. "And I wasn't able to feed, but he's got some blood on hand, right?"
Asland nods slowly. "The briefcase we brought inside has blood in it for Mr. Mazur." He looks at me curiously, squinting a bit. "You've been out here for over two hours. You didn't feed on anyone?" He looks astonished like he hadn't been sitting with me in a car for almost two days without me feeding on him. I'm very capable of self-control. Had the circumstances been different, my instructors form the Academy and Dimitri would have been so proud of my ability to control myself.
"No one was really wandering alone," I lie slowly, not able to make eye contact. Instead, I revert to my Guardian go-to and scan the area around us, watching out for any danger or things lurking around in the darkness. "But I know I need to eat."
Asland nods. "If I recall correctly Mr. Mazur should have enough for the two of you for a few days..." he offers lightly.
I nod back at him. "Okay. Let's return to Abe and Pavel before one or both of them has an aneurysm out of fear that I did something to you."
Asland smiles thinly. "Or I did something to you."
I throw my hand over my heart and fake moan in pain. "Like steal my heart? Or stake it, at least?"
Asland laughs a bit as we make our way inside the hotel, across the well-lit lobby and over to the elevators on the other side. I keep my head bowed so that no one can get a good look at my face or my eyes. They may all be humans here, but someone with red eyes will definitely be noted, and if there just so happens to be a Dhampir or Moroi wandering about, they might cause a huge scene and get Guardians involved.
We make it to the room with no problems and Abe is waiting for me inside the door of my room. His hands are folded neatly in front of him like he's cool as a cucumber.
"Rosemarie," Abe says calmly as I walk in like I caught him just walking about and not like he was obviously waiting for me, "welcome back."
"Thanks," I say, rolling my eyes. I step further into the room so that Alsand can step in and close the door behind us. "I didn't feed, old man," I say, looking at Abe. "There wasn't anyone really wandering about alone tonight so if you have any blood bags to spare, I'm gonna need to bum one."
Abe seems understandably confused, but nods and gestures me to join him in his room. He opens up the case. There was a small device next to rows of blood bags all marked with different blood types inside of a little cooling system. It's big enough to hold a blood bag in it. He does and in two minutes it's completely warmed up to body temperature before he looks over at me.
"It's all human," he says, taking what I would assume to be his bag out.
I shrug my shoulders. "That's usually my diet at this point. It's fine."
Abe gets a peculiar look on his face like I said something that was odd to him. I open my mouth, about to ask him what's wrong, but he looks away, back at the blood bags. "Do you care about the blood type?"
I shake my head, dropping down into the seat at the desk he was at before I left. "No, I'm not particular. Anything will be fine."
He nods slowly, looking down at the blood bags thoughtfully before he picks one out and puts it into the small machine to heat it up. Once it's done he hands it over to me. I take it and settle back into the seat and drink a bit. I didn't really notice that I was getting hungry with all this talk about eating. So I guess it's a good thing that Abe had these. Well, at least it's nice to know that if I need some emergency blood it's in a suitcase and not just in the bodies of the people around me.
Being as classy as he is, Abe mixed his in with some alcohol and sipped leisurely in the armchair over by the sitting area a few feet away from me. I spin the chair around to face him, being mindful not to hit the computer on the desk next to me. I can hear Pavel and Asland moving around in my room, probably giving us space to talk while they grab themselves something to eat.
We both sip in silence. My blood bag and his wine. It's a comfortable silence.
"You're taking me to Court, aren't you?" I ask after a long silence. I've been suspecting it for a while since he's been sort of elusive about it. I know he wants to talk about how I'm feeling and what I'm going through more than his master plan, but he can't really dance around it when I ask him straight out, I don't think.
"Not necessarily," Abe says, smoothly, sipping his wine.
I let out a long, drawn-out sigh. "Old Man, don't split hairs."
"Pennsylvania, yes. Court," he sips his wine, looking at me over the rim of his glass, "no. They wouldn't let you within a thousand yards of Court. If you weren't already dead, they would suck the life right out of you."
I snort, shaking my head. "You say that like I've never been to Court before." I know that he knows, considering he blew up half of it to get me out of it because I was going to be executed for a crime I hadn't committed. The death of Queen Tatiana. I do suppose that it's different now since I'm dead this time around. I'm sure the welcome I got when I was alive is going to be drastically different than now that I am very much no alive.
"I'm bringing you to a safe house near Court. The Queen wants to see you."
I chock, mid-swallow. I cough a few times trying to clear my lungs before the pain in my chest settles and I'm left staring at him with a look that must seem incredulous.
"No."
"Now listen to me, Rose," Abe says placatingly, "it's not going to be right away. But we want to figure out why you are so different. Is it because you are Shadow-Kissed? Or could there be something about you that is special? I don't know. But we should try to understand."
I stare back at him. "Abe... I'm all for somehow returning back to normal, but I don't think that's going to be possible. I feel... unusual. I don't know what's wrong with me..." I sigh, not sure how to put it into words. I wish I was better at this. I know Dimitri always said that I was able to say what he was thinking in so few words while he would say so much.
But the reason why is because he was really in-depth and passionate and I just string a few words together and hope it comes across how I meant it to be. But then again, there turned out to not need to be many words between us. I understood him in such a way that no one else could. Just like he understood me much the same.
"That is why we are going to see some trusted allies," Abe says smoothly. "The Queen cares deeply for you and-"
"No," I say again. "Not Lissa. I'll meet with anyone else you want me to meet with, just not Lissa. She's so busy with everything going on in Court and the world, that she can't be deterred from what matters."
A strange, dark look crosses Abe's face. "You don't think you matter?"
I rub my hand across my forehead, finishing off the last of my blood bag like it was a Capri sun package from when I was a kid. I slurp until every last drop is gone before laying it aside and wiping my face with the back of my hand, which I'm sure made me look exactly like the young woman that I'm supposed to be. Keep it classy, Rose. Or at least more sophisticated than a five-year-old.
"Abe, can we not talk about that? No Lissa. If you want me to stick around, no Lissa. Deal?" I look over at him. He opens his mouth, about to say something when I cut him off. "And there will be no fanoodling either. It's no Lissa and I'm all yours." He makes a face at my word choice but unfortunately decides not to give me the satisfaction of hearing him confused.
Abe closes his mouth and contemplates that for a moment, probably reworking his plan out in his head before sighing. "Very well, Rosemarie, we will play it your way for now."
"Thank you," I say, hardly meaning it. He's going to make me pay for screwing up his plan. Somehow. And I'm not looking forward to it.
Abe shakes his head, polishing off his glass of wine, looking around the room for a minute in silence before his eyes land on me once more and he asks, rhetorically, "How did you get so stubborn?"
I grin back at him, knowing that however, he was going to get me back, this would only make it sweeter - even if only for him. "I get it from my knee-breaking, absentee father with at the very least nineteen years of illegal activity under his belt. That's how."
Abe's predatorial smile promised I was going to pay dearly for that one. But I don't care. I'm just... happy to be alive. At least for now.
For the Reviewers:
1. strangemind92: Aww, well that was sweet of you! I hope you continue to enjoy!
2. Guest: I'm so glad that you feel that way! Thank you for your kind words! It will be very interesting to see how this all turns out. The ending, as of right now, is fluid. I'm still trying to work things out and see how people are reacting, it helps me push the story onward to a good - or at least acceptable - ending! Sorry for the wait!