Chapter 9 – 1994

Sirius was mad at Remus. How dare he lock him in that house! He could pretend it was for his own safety all he wanted but they both knew that Padfoot could handle the Wolf. Sirius knew without a doubt that there had to be something else going on. He gave Remus plenty of space once the full moon had passed, gave him some time to recover, but after a week had passed and the man was still barely talking to him he knew that he had to be right, and that there was indeed something Remus wasn't telling him.

Things in the cottage were pretty tense, but there were odd moments when the pair would simply seem to forget that they were apparently supposed to be acting like angsty teenagers. In those rare moments it would seem that the two were getting on just fine. On one occasion they had even managed to get themselves into a fit of laughter over some incident that had happened when they were at school, but the moment had passed as quickly as it had begun and the only way to describe the atmosphere that followed was, well, awkward.

That's what it was like living with Remus after all these years; awkward. Of course the real reason for this was obvious to the both of them, it felt exactly the same as it had all those years before when they had first developed feelings for each other, when they had awoken together alone in the Shak and had to deal with the repercussions of whatever had transpired the night before. It had been awkward whenever Sirius had caught Remus staring at him, when he would blush before turning away until finally the penny dropped and Sirius finally realised that any feelings he had developed for his friend might not go unreciprocated after all, if either of them ever actually got the guts to do anything about it.

Present time not included, that was when it had been the most awkward between them; when neither of them had wanted to admit what they felt for the other. It felt exactly the same now. They were both too afraid to admit that the connection between them had returned, if it had ever really gone away in the first place, but instead of actually talking about it like civilized adults Remus had decided to shut Sirius out again, and the ex-convict really had very little patience for it.

He needed to get away, have a break from Remus and the tension of the cottage, so when a letter arrived from his newly found godson, describing how his scar was hurting again he made a rash decision.

"I'm going north," was all he said to Remus later that day, as he packed himself some provisions into a rucksack for his journey.

"No you bloody well are not!" Remus said, panicking slightly. "I promised Dumbledore I'd keep you safe so you're staying right here."

"I have to Remus, Harry's in trouble," he explained as he passed over the letter.

Remus read over the words in concentration. "Well I have to admit that doesn't sound good, but he'll be back at Hogwarts soon, and it's far too dangerous for you to be anywhere near there. Harry will be safe with Dumbledore."

"That's not good enough!" Sirius snapped, slamming his fist down onto the table in his frustration. "I won't fail him again."

Remus sighed and moved around the table to stand beside him.

"Harry knows we are here for him Sirius, but putting yourself at risk is not going to do him or anyone else any good."

Sirius stayed silent, avoiding eye contact. He knew Remus was right.

"Look, I know this isn't easy for you," Remus continued gently, placing a hand lightly on Sirius' shoulder, "It's hard for me too, but running away isn't the answer."

Without even realising it he had said the wrong thing, and Sirius snapped. "Running away? That's rich coming from you Remus, you're the one who's been running away, ignoring me, pretending that everything is fine when we both know it's not!"

Remus had the decency to look embarrassed.

"You're right, I have been," he admitted quietly, but he still struggled to say anything more, the words sticking in his mouth.

"If you really want me to stay then talk to me Remus, don't shut me out again. What have you got to lose?"

Remus wanted to answer 'everything,' but it suddenly dawned on him that the only thing he was actually scared of losing was Sirius himself, and in his fear of pushing him away he had done just that! Again!

"Please stay," he said quietly. "You need to be here. I need you to be here."

He could feel Sirius watching him as he waited for a response, but he refused to meet his eyes, or say anything more. Up until now neither of them had dared talk about how they felt about each other because the thought of letting it all back in was frankly terrifying, but maybe now was the time. If Remus confessed that he still loved him would that make him stay, or would it scare him off? He guessed there was only one way to find out.

"Sirius… you know why I've been acting the way I have, don't you?"

Sirius shrugged, feigning nonchalance. "I don't know," he said, "You're not so easy to read anymore."

Remus couldn't stop himself from laughing at that a little as he watched his friend carefully. "Is that so," he said, and then "We could just give it a try."

He refused to meet Sirius' eyes again, afraid of what he might find there, even though he could feel them boring into him once more, this time causing the very hairs on his neck to bristle. When there was no response he feared he had blown it, had said the wrong thing, but then all of a sudden Sirius had stepped towards him, had lifted his head gently with his forefinger and thumb and was staring straight into his eyes with cloudy grey ones, studying him, trying to determine how serious he was.

"You have no idea how much I want that," Sirius said eventually, his voice coming out hoarse.

Remus was surprised by the honesty and forced himself to swallow as his throat had now gone dry too.

"I'm fairly certain I do." he whispered.

"You do?"

"I do, if you want me as much as I want you."

Now it was Sirius' turn to be surprised, Remus wasn't known for saying things like that, not even when they had lived together during the war. It took him a while to respond, for the words to sink in, but when they did Sirius couldn't have stopped himself if he had wanted to. Within half a second his lips were on Remus' in a crushing, bruising kiss. Remus froze in shock at first, but once his mind caught up with his body he gave himself up to the moment, and to the man that he loved so dearly.