Chapter 11 – 1976
When Remus awoke the following morning he didn't know what to make of the dream he'd just had. Sure he had dreamt about Sirius in that way before, many times before, but never as Padfoot, and most certainly not with himself as the wolf! The thing was it hadn't really felt like a dream, more like a memory. He tried to think rationally and decided it must have been because he had fallen asleep with Sirius still in his bed in his animal form. With the full moon less than 24 hours away the wolf must have sensed the dog's presence; that must have been it. Just because Remus was in love with Sirius didn't mean that the wolf would want the dog, did it?
Remus shifted slightly, trying not to disturb the still sleeping form of the soft black dog. He realised the dream had left him in no fit state to be innocently cuddling with a friend, and if said friend woke up it would be pretty embarrassing to try to explain why he was in such a state. He decided he best go for a shower and sort himself out while the rest of the dorm still lay asleep. He disentangled himself gently and made his way to the bathroom.
It wasn't a particularly difficult task to get himself off as he thought back to the dream he had just had, and replaced the animals with their human counterparts. Before long he had his head tipped back against the cool tiles as he quietly moaned aloud. Despite having only been in the shower a few minutes, he now felt utterly drained, his impending transformation already starting to sap the energy from him. He dried himself off quickly, put his pyjamas back on and headed back to bed.
When he reached his four poster not only did he find his friend awake but also back into his human form. The boy was lounging with his hands tucked behind his head as he grinned up at him. He was wearing nothing but his underwear, as he usually did at night, and Remus only hoped he didn't notice the blush that was creeping up his neck.
'Morning Moony,' Sirius greeted, and then his smile widened mischievously. 'Early morning shower?'
Remus feigned indifference. 'You would need one too if you woke up next to a mangy dog!'
This made Sirius chuckle. 'Well I am no longer a dog,' he stated matter-of-factly, and when Remus still didn't move he added 'so are you coming back to bed or what?' and winked for good measure.
Remus' eyes widened, was Sirius flirting with him? Nah, surely not. Yet something in the way he asked that question seemed far too suggestive for their normal friendly banter. Still, regardless of Sirius' intentions, Remus really needed to lie down and so he joined him on his bed and they lay cuddled together for a while. Soon, Remus felt his eyes begin to droop again and the last thing he saw before sleep claimed him once more was Sirius' face smiling down at him.
The next time he awoke Remus was alone in the dorm. Once he was dressed he made his way downstairs to the common room and found his three friends getting some last minute homework done. They all asked how he was feeling, although they knew what the answer was going to be as it was now only eight hours or so until the full moon. Remus felt his usual mix of emotions: exhausted, frightened, nervous, and a touch of excitement for the following morning.
After some lunch the Marauders all played exploding snap together in an attempt to distract Remus from the night ahead, but soon it was time for him to leave. They all said their goodbyes, playing along with the story that he was going home to visit his poorly mother for the sake of the teachers. Eventually the common room emptied as one by one the other students all went to bed, and the remaining friends huddled under the invisibility cloak to make their way through the castle to the Whomping Willow. Wormtail was tucked away in James' pocket as usual. They had this routine down to a tee and it wasn't long before the stag, the dog and the rat were all running alongside the wolf through the Forbidden Forest.
A few hours before dawn the wolf began to tire and started to head back towards the Shak. Padfoot followed him in, both excited and nervous at the same time. He had waited months for this moment. When he reached the room at the top of the stairs he found the wolf pacing the floor. His teeth were bared and his eyes flashed gold when he saw him enter the room. With a hungry howl the wolf pounced and grabbed the dog by the scruff of the neck with his razor sharp teeth, throwing him across the room. Padfoot scarcely breathed as Moony advanced on him, snarling all the while. By the time he stopped he was so close that Padfoot could see the minute speckles of white in the otherwise dark eyes. He liked to think of the speckles as the small part of the wolf that was still Remus, almost undetectable save for at such close proximity. Sirius looked deep into those eyes now, thinking of the boy that was hidden inside, connecting with him as the wolf continued to sniff him hungrily.
It's me Remus, he thought, It's your Pads!
The wolf suddenly whimpered and then without warning knockedthe dog with such force that he went sprawling and landed with a thump, face down on the floor. It reminded him of that very first night. He could feel the wolf as he towered over him, feel his breath on the back of his neck. Sharp claws dug into his skin as the wolf pinned him down, trapping him. The anticipation was killing him, he knew what he wanted and seconds later he was rewarded with a hardness against his back. The low rumble of the predator above him echoed throughout his entire body, and as the fear ebbed away Sirius realised he had never wanted anything more in his entire life. The wolf and the dog were mates, and they howled together in the patch of moonlight as the wolf made the dog his once more after spending the summer months apart.
Remus woke with a start and it took him a moment to take in his surroundings and piece together where he was. He was in the Shak, and there was Padfoot curled up beside him, all shaggy fur and rumbling breath. He ran his fingers gently through the soft coat and sighed in both relief and exhaustion. He performed his usual healing spells with ease but his body was unusually weary, even more so than normal. When he caught a glimpse of the large four poster bed he wanted nothing more than to sink into the soft pillows. He shook his friend awake. When Sirius saw that his friend was back to his human form he changed back too.
On the bed they lay close together.
'You're very quiet this morning, are you OK?' Remus asked. The silence had become too much and he began to panic as a sudden realisation popped into his head. 'Oh Gryffindor, I hurt you, didn't I?'
Sirius was quick to reassure him. 'No, no, of course not, you were…' he faltered as he thought back to hours before. 'You were fine,' he finished lamely. 'We had fun.'
'Oh, OK. If you say so.' He didn't sound convinced.
'You don't believe me?' Sirius challenged.
Remus chose his words carefully. He needed to know what had gone on between them. Something felt different, and he couldn't stop the sudden image of the dream he had had the night before. 'Well, I'm not sure,' he said honestly. If ever there was a moment to ask what the hell was happening between them this was it. 'It's just, the last few moons of last term were a bit strange for me, but then everything went back to normal, or as normal as this gets, over the summer. But now that I'm back here, I don't know, something just feels different again.'
Sirius didn't know what to say. Of course he knew the reason but something was stopping him from saying it. 'It'll just be the change of location, and not having us around over the summer,' he tried.
'I don't know Pads, this feels like more than that. It's like the wolf is…' he stopped and shook his head. 'I don't know, it doesn't make any sense, but it's like the wolf is happy!'
'Wow,' Sirius said, before he could stop himself. 'You must be getting really used to having us around,' he said, still avoiding the truth.
'You think that's it?'
'Yeah, of course, what else could it be?'
He sounded nervous, and hoped that Remus would be too tired to pick up on it, but he had no such luck.
'What is it Sirius? What are you not telling me?'
Sirius started to panic now. 'Everything's fine,' he tried again.
Remus sighed sadly. 'I never thought you'd lie to me Sirius. I thought we were friends.'
The way Remus Lupin looked in that moment; so sad, so afraid and so vulnerable tore at Sirius' heart. He looked heartbroken, but Sirius just didn't know how to say the words he knew he had to say. He straightened up, sharpening his resolve. He had to do it, he had to tell him, lest he loose him altogether.
'Mooney we are friends,' he said with a sigh, 'the best of friends, that's what makes this so hard! But you're right, I have been keeping something from you and it's time to tell you the truth. Just…don't freak out OK?'
It was now or never.
Remus listened intently as his friend described how the wolf had marked him as his mate, clinging on to every single word. Through his nerves Sirius had begun to ramble but he just took it all in. He couldn't quite believe what he was hearing, the dream had been real!
'And I think deep down I've always known because I've always felt this connection to you, and when I'm with you I feel different somehow. It took me a long time to figure it all out but the wolf, he just knew…' Sirius trailed off, as though he had just realised that he had been talking frantically for the past five minutes. He watched Remus carefully. He couldn't tell what he was thinking.
'Remus?' he asked finally after the silence became too much. When there was still no answer he instinctively reached for the other boy's hand. 'Remus,' he repeated, softer this time, and chocolate eyes looked up to meet grey. 'I know this is beyond crazy,' he tried again, 'but the wolf and the dog have a connection, and the truth is I'm not that surprised by it. We have a connection Remus, we always have. Please tell me you've felt it too?'
Remus looked close to tears, whether good or bad remained to be seen. Sirius watched as he swallowed, never taking his eyes off him.
'Sirius I…' This was it. Sirius braced himself for rejection. 'I have felt it,' the other boy said, his voice thick. 'For a lot longer than I care to admit.'
Silence filled the room again. They had somehow gotten closer to each other though neither remembered moving, their faces now inches apart. Sirius took a deep breath as he looked deep into his friend's darker than usual eyes and whispered his name again.
'I was scared when I realised what this meant,' he whispered, 'but now I'm only scared that you don't feel the same way about me as the wolf does about the dog. I know it's crazy, Merlin I feel like such an idiot because you're my friend and I could lose you, but I can't go on pretending that you don't mean more to me than anyone else, and I don't just want the wolf, I want you!'
Remus fought back the tears that threatened to fall. He had dreamt of this moment for far too long. Sirius wanted him, all of him, wolf and all. He knew that every word that had been spoken was the truth, even if he had no memory of the events. He felt a pang of sadness as he realised Sirius had been keeping all of this in. If only he had known how Remus felt about him from the start, but there was no point on dwelling on that. He could tell him now.
'Oh Pads,' he said as the tears he had been holding back finally fell. 'I am so sorry you felt like an idiot, and you are most definitely not going to lose me! It's me who's the idiot, I haven't been entirely honest with you either.'
Sirius could barely speak as he waited for Remus to continue.
'Ok so I didn't know about all the wolf stuff, but I did know that I… I knew that I.'
'Knew what?' Sirius urged.
'That I've liked you for some time, since the end of third year, to be exact.'
That surprised him! Remus had liked him, as in liked-him-liked-him, for all this time?
'I just, never thought you'd feel the same way, not in a million years.'
Sirius pictured a younger Remus, and suddenly remembered the fall out they had had back in third year. At the time he had thought it was just because he had kept pestering him about his secret, but now he realised there must have been more to it than that.
'You're not the idiot Moony, I was the one off chasing girls back then.' He shook his head. 'All this time there was something there between us, we both felt it but I just ignored it.'
'It's not too late,' Remus pointed out, breathless, and was it just him or had Sirius somehow gotten even closer to him?
There was no reply, there was nothing left to say. They both now knew the truth and neither wanted to waste any more time. Sirius closed his eyes and leaned in that final minute distance placing a gentle kiss on his friend's lips. Remus sighed and brought his hand up to cradle the back of Sirius's head, their eyes meeting fleetingly before they finally gave in to their feelings and deepened the kiss, savouring every new sensation. Neither had ever felt so right in their entire lives.
AN: Daaawww, fluffiness! That's all I got for you just now folks but if you have enjoyed please favourite or follow and I promise I'll get more to you as soon as I can. xxx Morgorah