NOTES: to save some confusion, Eric's part of the story will be in bold

"So we just have to avoid playing with Butters this summer" Stan said to Kenny and Kyle. They nodded with a smile.

"It's not Butters!"

"It's Butters" Kyle said, laughing a little.

"Screw you guys, I'ma going to Grandma's" Eric got into the cab, slamming the door.

"Bye poopsykins! See you soon" Lianne waved as the cab began to pull out of the driveway.

Eric sat back in the cab, frowning and gritting his teeth. "God I hate those guys" he started fishing around in his back pack. "Think you can like step on it. It's a fucking long way there, the quicker you drive this piece of shit the better"

"Si k"

"A mexican" Eric mumbled under his breath "Couldn't get any more cliché then that" he continued to search in his back pack "God damn it where is it, I know I put it in here"

"Hey, smell that?"

"Yes dude, it smells like piss. All these third class cabs do; would it kill you to use a little air freshner?"

"No! Smell gas. Gas! Get out the car! Get out!"

"What!?"

"Gas!"

"Jesus Christ!" Eric grabbed the handle of the door "It won't open!" he tried again and began to panic "God damn it! I knew a mexican would be the death of me"

"Try window"

"It would help if the car weren't still moving dick hole" Eric unwound the window, happy that it worked. With a tight squeeze he jumped out just as the car exploded, sending him flying into the bushes among the sidewalk. Eric rubbed his forhead, turning in shock, staring at the flames. He was one lucky fucker right now. "Aww, all my best snacks were in there" he whined. His hearing then picked up the sound of his mother's cries. He peered over the bush.

"Eric! noooo! My baby! Eric!"

He was about to run out and tell her that he was ok, that he'd made it out before the crappy cab blew up. Then something else caught his attention and he quickly ducked behind the bush again.

"Cartman!" Stan was shook out of his own surprise when he heard his best friend. He grabbed onto Kyle in an effort to stop him from running toward the explosion. "Eric!"

Eric stared at the scene by his house, his friends looked horrified and- was that fear? Kyle was yelling his name, his name! Eric smirked, interesting. He hadn't meant for this, but it was way better then his other plan. He didn't have much choice now anyways, since everything he had planned was in that damn cab.

"Wait a minute" Kyle stopped Eric mid story. "You watched your Mom fall apart in front of you and you didn't say anything?"

"I told you, I saw the reaction it caused in you. I figured it was my best shot at still seeing if I could get you to admit that you missed me. What better chance was there then to pretend I was dead? It was perfect. It was likely you wouldn't admit you missed me if I was only gone like two months. But if I happen to be 'dead' I knew you'd have realized it eventually" Kyle couldn't believe it "Took you long enough though. Jesus, I thought I was gonna starve to death"

For a split second, it was noticable that Eric had lost a small bit of weight. He'd obviously not been able to eat like an animal like normal if he had to remain out of sight. But fuck it, Kyle was so angry with him, the boy didn't deserve that recognition. "Was Butters your spy?"

Eric laughed "That's your question?"

"Was it Butters?"

"It doesn't matter, the plan went to shit when the cab blew up" Eric stretched out and made himself comfortable, sitting down on the grass and leaning up against 'his tombstone' something about that just felt wrong. Kyle inwardly shivered.

"So then what?" Kyle frowned. He could tell Eric wasn't finished yet, the clever shit would drag it out as long as he could; especially since he'd been right all along.

Eric hid up inside the large tree near Kyle's house. Damn it he longed for a comfortable bed, his bed. This was one of the most exhausting plans he had ever come up with. He just hoped the branch didn't give out. Eric watched as Kyle got into his bed, he couldn't see much since the only light was coming from the nightstand. Of course he wasn't expecting anything this soon, it was only the second night since he'd 'died' he knew he had a long wait ahead. It'd be worth it, just to see that look on Kyle's face.

Eric startled awake, he'd nodded off and almost fell out of the tree. He breathed a sigh of relief, coming down from his scare. That would have totally sucked. Eric looked down at the ground, it wasn't overly high up; still, he'd rather not find out just how far up. He looked into Kyle's room, the Jew was already gone. "Damn it" he cursed himself for falling asleep. He carefully climbed down the tree and made sure no one was around before going to find the others; sneaking around a mountain town such as south park was harder then it looked.

"Now I know how Kenny feels" Eric mumbled as he sat up in the tree, he'd only managed to steal a cake bar and a soda can from his fridge before his Mom came back. She had barely been shopping since the incident, there wasn't much in the fridge and she was almost always home now. "Kyle better hurry up, I'm fucking starving"

He heard a car pull up outside, he couldn't see who it was from his position. All he could hear were muffled voices, too far away to hear them. He continued to watch Kyle, leaning forward when the boy picked something up from his desk. He could see it was a frame, he tried to remember what photo was in the frame. It had been a while since he'd been in Kyle's room. Eric sat up again when he watched Kyle walk to the door. He rolled his eyes, Stan.

He watched as the two conversed, he wished he was better at lip reading. He noticed that Stan was dressed in a suit. Of course! It must be the day of the funeral. "Not like I have anything better to do" Eric said quietly to himself. He noticed the two in the room seemed to be having some sort of disagreement. He rolled his eyes again as they mellowed and Stan softened his expression. "Get a fucking room you guys, You're so gay"

Stan then left the room and Eric watched with a little awkwardness as Kyle dressed into his suit. He was spying on Kyle but he wasn't a stalker, so he at least gave the Jew privacy and made his way down from the tree. As he understood it, Kyle obviously didn't intend on going to his funeral, the asshole. But as it were, if Stan was going; no doubt Kyle would go eventually.

Luckily the cemetary wasn't that far away, Eric remained hidden; though it was a lot harder when there were so many people. He was almost touched, he didn't think this many would attend. Though he figured they probably showed just to spite him, even if he was 'dead' they were most likely there to fucking celebrate. He didn't hear much celebrating though, as he observed the funeral from the shadows behind a large stone a few feet away. He saw his ex girlfriend there, she looked pretty sad too. "Sweet, she's so not over me" he was surprised to see the president/Mr Garrison there. "The fuck? Like that's gonna help his approval ratings"

He was beginning to get bored as he waited, how long was he suppose to stand there? They hadn't even started yet. He overheard Garrison's conversation with Kyle, what a dick. He smirked to himself when Kyle stammered over not being happy about the situation. It wasn't enough though, Eric wanted the whole thing; he wanted to hear the exact words: I miss you.

Finally, the funeral began. It should have been a disturbing experience, witnessing your own funeral. But he was Eric Cartman, he had killed a boy's parents and fed their hacked up bodies to him. It would take more then that to disturb him. He watched as his mother stood in front of the podium, beside his small sized coffin.

"I want to thank you all for being here. I know my boy Eric would love-" she sniffled a little, trying to keep it together. "Would love to have seen this"

"Damn fucking straight I would"

"I know that a lot of people were often mad at him. I know that he did a lot of bad things to people. There were times when even I was often mad. But he was always trying to better himself. In some way or another; Despite his more then obnoxious behaviour"

Eric's smirk disappeared whilst he watched his mother pour her heart out. Wow, she really did miss him; he had no idea how much she actually cared about him. He knew she cared, but he figured with how spoilt he acted she wouldn't be as sad as she was now.

"Eric was a unique boy. I know what people thought of him. But he was just like any child really. He played, he had adventures, had friends, cried when he was sad, got angry. I used to be judged for being too leniant with Eric. But there are many of us who think their child is a saint, when often he gets into trouble"

"Fuck yeah, you tell em Mom"

"He was my baby boy" Liane was crying now, she placed a hand on the casket. "You're at peace now sweetheart. Eric, I love you. Go be with God"

"Everyone's all super sad, that's totally awesome"

Eric huffed, he'd been standing behind the stone for almost an hour. "God I'm fucking starving, if they don't hurry up I really will die" he slumped against the stone, who knew his own funeral would be so boring.

"All right! That's enough. Come on Cartman! I think this has gone far enough"

Eric perked up at the sound of that all too familiar voice, he peered around the stone, smirking. "You wish Kahl"

"Come on out! I know you're there! You can't fool me. Waiting for me to spew a bunch of nice crappy things about you. It's not gonna happen asshole. I don't buy it, you hear me?"

Eric covered his mouth to stop himself from laughing "God he's so lame, this is so funny"

"Let everyone see, see that you're just playing one of your massive cruel jokes. Tell all these people that obviously care just a little bit, enough to be here. That this was all a rouse to get back at me, to try and get me to admit something I never will"

"Sorry, but it's not time just yet Jew, you will not get your way this time. You will admit you missed me, and when you do; I'll be waiting" Eric watched Stan pull Kyle away from the podium. Mr Mackey came back on and said some other stuff the boy wasn't interested in. Then his classmates came up and a song began to play. Eric drummed his fingers to the beat and the words, miming them as they sang. "They're totally bummed out" he placed a finger on his chin in thought. "Hmm, I wonder if that makes them hypocrites? Since they didn't give two shits when they knew I was alive" after a few more seconds in thought he shrugged. "Ah, who cares anyway. I don't give a fuck about them either"

Eric was silently following Kyle to Stan's house. He was munching on some cheesy poofs he'd managed to buy from a vending machine.. He couldn't risk going to his house anymore, his Mum was almost always home now and always in the damn kitchen. He began to notice his small weight loss, he didn't like it; he was fucking starving. Sure, he probably looked a little better, and he did feel slightly healthier. But he was beginning to think his plan was a bad idea, it had been four weeks. What if Kyle never admitted it? Eric figured he would admit it by the end of summer. There was only a month left, what if he took longer then that? What if it was a year? Two years? It was also getting harder to track him. He was almost physically exhausted. But he'd go on, how ever long it took, he'd do it.

As they neared Stan's house Eric spotted a moving van and stopped behind a wall. He peered out from beside it, forgetting about following Kyle for now; he was only going to Stan's to play the new call of duty anyways, with the rest of their friends. Eric figured that if Kyle was going to say something about missing him, he'd never do it while the others were around. This gave him a break, he could certainly use one.

He observed the family moving in a little while longer. Noting that there was a woman with dark long hair wearing a purple dress, a man with short curly hair wearing a blue suit. They were both half cast. Then he spotted the boy, he was about his own age and would most likely be placed in his class. Since the boy had only just moved to South Park, he wouldn't know about any of the recent events that had happened.

Eric carefully made his way in between the houses across the road. He ducked behind a bush and waited. The parents were too busy unloading the van, but he couldn't risk them seeing him either. He couldn't let any trace of himself be discovered, whether they'd just moved here or not. It had to be the kid.

"Psst. Hey kid. Over here" Eric whispered. The new kid looked around, his parents had gone back inside. "I'm over here retard!"

The kid spotted him, hidden behind the bush by the side of the fence. He walked over to him, staring at him in confusion. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh you know, just hanging out. What the hell does it look like I'm doing!?"

"Hiding?"

"Oh gee, really?"

"Are you playing hide and seek?"

"Sure kid, I'm playing hide and seek. Its me versus everyone else in town"

When the kid gave him a blank look Eric sighed. Obviously he was slow on jokes, either that or he had no sense of humor. "Ok look, I'm dead"

"What!?"

Eric held his hands up and then shushed him "I'm not literally dead. Shhh, everyone just thinks I am"

"Why?" Eric sighed again and told the boy his story and his recents plans to get to his friend Kyle. "Shouldn't you at least tell your Mom?"

"No way. She'll totally go nuts and tell on me and my whole secret will be out before Kyle can say anything"

"So what am I suppose to do?"

"I'll give you thirty bucks. All you have to do is go to school when it starts again, sit next to Kyle using my empty seat and just like spy and annoy him"

"How?"

"You know, just like try and take my place or whatever, see if it ticks him off, take notes of the places he's going"

"I don't even know you, why should I do this for you?"

"Cause dude, thirty bucks"

"Fifty"

"Fifty!? Fuck no!"

"Fifty or I'll tell the whole town about you"

"You just moved here, no one's going to believe you of all people" The kid took out his phone and quickly snapped an image. Eric scowled "Did you just take a picture of me?"

"Now I have proof"

"You better delete that"

"Fifty bucks" he held out his hand

"Delete that right now asshole!"

"Fifty"

"All right! Fine" Eric fished out his money from his coat. "Might as well cut off my balls while you're at it"

"What?"

"Nevermind. Now delete that picture"

"No"

"What do you mean no? I just gave you most of my money dickhead"

"That fifty was for the spying. Ten bucks to delete the picture"

"Weak. Dude. Really weak" Eric handed over another ten bucks. He then watched Levi delete the picture from his phone. "Now nobody can know I'm alive understand? Absolutley nobody"

"Ok"

"Good"

"How will I find you?"

"I'll meet you here after school's out"

"It would be a lot easier if we used my dad's wire set"

"Wire set?"

"My dad was a cop back where we lived. He's retired now, but I'm sure he still has some of the gear"

"Yes, that's perfect!"

"Forty bucks"

"What!? Are you fucking kidding me? That's like, the rest of my money"

"I'm the one risking my ass by lying and stealing the wire set for you. I don't even know you, but if you're dumb enough to fake your own death, you must be desperate"

"All right all right, forty more dollars. God damn it you're an asshole. But you have to bring me snacks. I don't know how long this is gonna last. It'll be much easier if you can get me food. It kind of sucks that I had all that money but I couldn't get food for fear of being seen"

"I guess I can do that. So whose Kyle again?"

"Kyle is this ginger Jew who wears a faggy green poodle hat and an orange coat. He sits next to me and Stan, my seat will be the only empty one left. So you'll know when you get there"

"Ok"

"That new kid? He knew about this? Four weeks prior to school starting?"

"Well yeah. I needed someone on the inside, I couldn't risk sneaking around school dumbass"

"You got the new kid to spy on me?"

"Well, not really spy. I had to pay him a hundred bucks to wear a little wired microphone so I could keep track of where you were going"

"That's spying asshole!" Kyle then thought back "So you- you heard about"

Eric started laughing "Oh my god! That was so fucking hilairious! You were all like 'You can't sit there!' 'don't fucking sit there!'"

"So you paid him to sit next to me, told him who I was, so he could literally spy on me for you"

"Yeah, luckily you only lasted the first day. I didn't count on you going nuts right away, I might have had to pay him more"

"I can't believe you would go through all this, all this trouble just to get at me. Do you really hate me that much Cartman?"

"About as much as you hate me, probably more. I would have done and carried on lying for ten years if it meant I got to hear those words from your Jew lips. That I Eric Cartman was right, and that you Kyle, despite hating my guts, still had it in you to actually say you missed me"

"I literally can't believe you, you are a bigger asshole then I ever imagined"

"Come on Kyle. You're not that gullible. You said it yourself way before any of this, I can fool anyone but you. Except I did fool you, this time. It just took a little longer. Unfortunetly, you know me better then anyone, don't you Kahl? And that's what is eating you up the most. That you know me better and yet you still, despite how long, fell for my most devious plan to date"

Kyle gritted his teeth and pounced angrily, making them both topple to the floor. Eric raised his hands up to try and stop Kyle from beating the crap out of him. "You son of a bitch Cartman!"

"Kyle! Stop it, knock it off!"

"I hate you so fucking much!" all of a sudden Kyle remembered something. He stopped fighting and stood up, justice would be made; Karma would come, he just had to wait. "Ok Cartman. I won't tell anyone what you did"

"What?"

"You will. You will tell them and maybe they'll take it easy on you. Better you tell them then them finding out"

"Why? Why are you being kewl now?"

"You know. I'm thinking of everyone else, something you never do. They were all pretty sad, it'll be much better for them too"

"No. You were practically going to kill me and then you stopped, why?"

"Cartman, just take the fucking chance; not that you deserve it. I certainly shouldn't be giving you it"

Eric got up from the floor and soon began to follow Kyle out of the cemetary. The Jew was really pissed, the anger was bascially radiating off him. "I can't believe I paid that Levi jerk a hundred bucks and all it took was one day"

"Serves you right"

"Whatever. My first spy owes me fifty bucks anyways"

Kyle stopped and got in front of Eric "Who was it?"

"Oh. It doesn't matter"

"Who owes you fifty bucks Cartman!? It was Butters wasn't it?"

"God dammit it wasn't Butters. He wanted to buy COD, but he didn't have the money and his Mom wouldn't give it to him. I gave him the money in exchange for his co-operation"

Kyle's eyes shifted, thinking it over. Then it hit him. It was like a sharp pain in his heart. "Stan?"

"Yep. He wanted the game pretty bad. I guess he just wanted in on your 'best summer ever'. The game hadn't long come out, so no one else would have it yet. All he had to do was plant a little tracking chip on your coat, one that tracks but also allows me to hear whatever you said while I was away"

"No. No Stan wouldn't do that"

"He didn't want to at first, but the temptation of COD was too much. He knew you really wanted to play it too. Everyone does. So he agreed and bought the game"

"But-how. He-"

"My Mom said if I do a load of chores soon, she'll let me have a massive sleep over and we could have a Terrence and Phillip Marathon"

"He told me that his Mum gave him the money because of all the chores that he'd done that day"

Kyle then gasped "Kyle come on. Let's just see Cartman off so we can enjoy the summer" Stan said, placing his hand on Kyle's shoulder to calm him.

"I guess you're 'super best friend' isn't so super huh?"

Kyle clenched his fists "Does Stan know?"

"What?"

"Does Stan know you're alive!?" Kyle was hurt, he couldn't believe Stan would betray him, all for a new COD game.

"I honestly swear on my own life that no one knows about this"

Kyle frowned at him "Not good enough"

Eric rolled his eyes, "I swear on Mr Kitty's life and my Mum's life" Kyle relented, Eric was an asshole. But he knew that the boy did actually care about them. Or at least his cat. "Like I said. The death plan wasn't intentional until it happened, that's why it was so perfect"

Kyle sighed with a little relief. At least Stan hadn't known about the death part. But his betrayal still hurt, if Stan had asked him; he would have lent him the money. "So the new kid was in on this and Stan betrayed me to spy on me while you were at your Grandma's"

"I wasn't suppose to tell you about that part"

"You're going to come clean and tell everyone that you're alive"

Eric whined "Do I have tooooo?"

"Yes you do! Otherwise I will tell Levi to tell everyone, if they won't listen to me. I bet he still has that picture you said he took"

"Nah ah, he deleted it"

"Well most phones keep a deleted copy for a limited time. Even you should know that. I bet he didn't delete that"

Eric gave a thoughtful frown before he clenched his eyes shut and yelled. "Oh God dammit!"