3.

Things had just started to get back normal when he was leaving again. He'd been home about two months and I'd gotten used to his presence around the house again. His stuff piling up everywhere, him making me dinner most nights because for one, I can't cook and for another he had way more time.

After what they'd learned from Tigerlily in Neverland (She'd finally defeated the last of the lost boys and now had the island all to herself) they knew that the Mad Hatter had been there, but left through his hat as soon as he realized that the lost boys were gone. She was convinced he'd been looking for something special, but he never said why, so she gathered he'd continued looking through the realms.

We were having Friday night dinner with my family when Hook broke the news. "Crap" I thought to myself, as he uttered the words, then "pull together Swan! He's told you, over and over that this has nothing to do with you" it convinced me a little bit, but not all the way to the core, I still felt cold, and not too happy that he was announcing his leaving like this, without discussing it with me first.

As I looked around the table I saw the disappointment in their faces – Henry stopped chewing, my dad looked like he didn't know what to say and mom looking worried, shifting focus between me, Hook, Henry and her husband. Regina on the other hand didn't really seem affected by the whole thing, but she was a little bit on the outside looking in.

- So, you think you'll find it this time then? She was the one to break the silence.

- Yeah, I think this might be it. Now we know for certain that the Mad Hatter is alive, and has probably got the hats with him wherever he's hiding. I don't know why though, he's got nothing to be afraid for, from what I gather. Granted, he didn't really help things when the dark cursed hit the first time but that was ages ago and no one really cares anymore right? He looked around.

- I might care, since he kidnapped my wife and almost killed my daughter, but what do I know? David muttered under his breath. Mom gave him a look of disappointment and shushed him.

- Of course we don't care anymore, we all did bad things to each other back in those days right? And we've come so for from that! You, for instance didn't even know I was your wife at that time, she shot Dad a meaning glance, and we'd never hold him accountable for his actions around that time. She sent Hook an encouraging look over the table.

Later, Henry helped clear the table and I was filling the dishwasher. Hook walked in and started helping, clumsily with his one working hand.

- I got it! I said, rather sourly. And he paused his actions looking me in the face. Henry quickly caught on and drifted of towards the basement where he had his room and private space.

Hook kept looking at me, waiting for me to make the first move. "crap, he looks so innocent" I thought to myself not wanting to give in to forgiving him just yet.

- Look… Just go upstairs and go to bed, and I'll join you in five minutes and we can talk, okay? I just need a moment. He nodded slowly and handed me the bowl he was holding, walking towards the stairs. I knew he didn't want Henry to hear us fighting either so going upstairs was probably safest.

Five minutes of doing dishes went by like five seconds, and I had no idea what I'd say anymore than I had when he'd left the room. I turned out the lights, it was dark out already, and locked the front door before slowly dragging myself upstairs. He was sitting on the bed with his feet crossed, all his clothes still on, clearly waiting. I walked over to the wardrobe, starting to take off my fancy jacket, both as a way to turn my back on him and for having something to occupy my hands with.

- I'm sorry love, I should have said something before… I don't know what came over me. I didn't want to disappoint you I guess. He sounded sincere.

- I'm not disappointed. I know you need your adventure and you purpose in life, and I'm fine with it. But tell me before you tell them! I can't believe you'd put me in that position. I did my best trying to hide my true feelings, but failed miserably; you could not only hear the tone in my voice but also almost smell my desperation in the air. He got up from the bed and walked over to me, grabbing me by the shoulders and turning me to face him. I buried myself in his chest, breathing in his scent for a moment. I knew he loved me, and I knew it in my bones. There was no need to be mad at him for being himself. I reached up and kissed him, and he answered the kiss firstly hesitantly and then with eagerness. I knew I was doing it again, getting rid of anger by intimacy, but I couldn't help myself.

My hands shimmed down his body and found his belt. I was familiar with its mechanism, knowing how to unbuckle it fast. He suddenly broke the kiss and grabbed my hand.

- You don't need to do this love, kissing is just fine. I felt confused, he never used to say no to sex really.

- What do you mean? I love you, I want you. I stared kissing him again.

- Alright, love, but you're not usually up for it, this time of the month if you know what I'm saying, I just wasn't sure what you where going for just then. Because, if you're thinking about doing something for just my benefit then I'm just saying that there's no need. He shot me a meaning look, and I understood perfectly what he thought I was trying to do to him. Not that I didn't enjoy that particular way of pleasing a man, but it was not what I'd had in mind when I started. But when the whole concept of what he was insinuating caught up with me, I felt like someone dropped a cannon ball in the center of my stomach.

"This time of the month?", I thought to myself, he thought I'd be on my period. And I wasn't. "When did I last get it?" I felt my heart starting to pound, panic welling up, whilst still trying to stay focused on remembering how many weeks it had been. I met his eyes again and realized he saw exactly what was going on in my head right at that moment.

- No, you're not, right love? He had let go of my hand and now he backed away a few steps, with, what I assumed was, the same look of panic in his eyes as me. He sat down on the bed, furiously rubbing his working hand against his thigh.

- I guess not, I don't know! Just let me think for a moment…. I'd tried to sound calm but my faking was extremely bad.

- How would you know, anyway – do you really keep track? I wasn't really mad at him but it came out harsher than I planned.

- Well I don't know, it's not bloody arithmetic's, and you always tell me when it's off limits so of course I know roughly. Christ love, you told me you could control this here? That there were pills or operations or whatever, that I didn't need to think about it? What the hell happened? Now he sounded mad, and I felt frustrated.

- Jesus Christ, I need my calendar! We don't know that it happened in the first place, and you can never know one hundred percent even if you do everything right! What the hell did you think; this chance is always there when you WILLINGLY choose to sleep with someone! Sometime life comes in and messes things up because that's what life does. Really Hook, you were dead once and came back to me, you really never thought this could happen just because there are methods to protect against it? I knew it was probably unfair to put this on him, but my frustration was welling up. We'd talked briefly about using protection, and I'd made sure to be the one to get it done because this was my town and my realm. Where he was from there was no options like this. We never really talk about kids, but right after we got married and had lifted the curse I was so sure that we needed alone time for a while that it was never really a conversation I started, and then he started leaving for the enchanted forest on these trips and it was naturally not something we thought about then. Or at least me, I had no idea what he thought of really, but I assumed according to his reaction that it hadn't been on his mind either.

I still felt frustrated that he'd put this on me, and a small part of me was probably disappointed at him reacting like this was the worst thing he could think of. I repeated that I needed my calendar and walked out of the room to go downstairs and get it. When I flipped the pages, there it clearly wasn't – I was about five days late. I couldn't be sure, of course, but I would always be on time like a clock. My mind wandered down my body, sensing carefully if anything felt different. I'd done this once before, but it was eighteen years ago, I couldn't really remember. I could feel a slight dull ache at the bottom of my stomach, nothing that couldn't be just a period cramp, but it felt more like a weight than an actual pain. My breasts felt fuller than normal, but that was too something that could happen just before my period I guessed. I never kept track of these things, not having thought about being pregnant in a long time.

I walked slowly upstairs.

- So? His eager and worried tone wasn't exactly helping me, and I felt myself getting more and more frustrated.

- I might be, I'm not sure. I'm five days late. He dropped his back down on the bed in a sigh, and I felt more hurt than ever at this reaction.

- Really Hook, what the hell? I'm not exactly happy about this but don't put this all on me. Shit happens! It's not exactly flattering to see that your worst nightmare is having a kid with me, that the idea of us having a baby makes you basically want to hang yourself. But all right, good to know where you stand! I was almost yelling at this point. He sat up on the bed again, looking desperate.

- I'm not fucking father material Swan. Christ! I would be terrible at this. I just wanted US for a while. Damn it. I'm sorry, I'm being selfish but it's the truth. I can't even stay in the same place for more than three months, how do you expect me to handle a kid? I ruin people, that's what I do! Remember what happened to Baelfire – I lied and disappointed him and he ended up with the lost boys instead. I would never want to be that kind of dad again. I felt my anger melt away a little at this, but I still wasn't happy about him.

- You weren't his dad, Killian! Come on, don't do this. Don't make this worse by telling yourself you can't. I've seen you with Henry, I know you have it in you. We don't even know if it's a fact yet right? I just, I'll go to the store and get a test and we'll know for real. We'll deal with when we really know we need to.

-there's a test? God, I love this realm sometimes even though it's a bit dull. The upbeat tone in his voice at this new knowledge made me laugh, and I relaxed a bit.

Alright hun, I'll go get the damned test and see you home in a while, okay? He relaxed back on the bed.

I left him in the bedroom, and took the shortcut to the pharmacy. There I hurried as much as I could, partly because I wanted to get home and get it over with, and partly because I didn't want anyone to see me, and what I was buying. Luckily, Friday night wasn't prime time for pharmacy shopping and I was alone in the shop. It was open until twelve, only because there was no way to get medicine for about fifty miles, and people rarely used that convenience. How often do you really need medicine in the middle of the night? I got three different tests, just in case. The cashier was a young guy, not much older than Henry, blonde and with a bored look in his eyes. His side job most likely, not the most fun way to spend his Friday night I thought to myself. I didn't recognize him, but could see in his eyes that he knew who I was. Everyone in Storybrooke did though.

-Cash or credit? He raised one eyebrow as I handed over my tests, but of course didn't mention anything. I gave him a fistful of cash, said a sharp good night! and hurried home again.

When I got there, Killian wasn't where I left him in the bedroom; instead a note was taped to the mirror on the wall.

Sorry love, I just needed some fresh air. I'll be back shortly,

K.

"Okay, you could've come with me to the store then, but go ahead do your own thing like always", I thought to myself. I stood for a few seconds, thinking about waiting for him, but If he was doing his own thing, so would I! I headed for the bathroom.

The first test came out fast, two clear blue parallel lines. I felt my stomach drop even lower as I realized what that meant. "Christ, Swan" I thought to myself. Just to be sure, I drank two glasses of water, went downstairs and up again, did some jumping jacks and as soon as I felt the urge to pee again I took another one. This time a plus sign, which apparently meant the exact same thing. I was pregnant, for sure.

I hated that I was alone for this. Alone AGAIN. Next time was supposed to be different, I had a husband now, and yet I was exactly where I was eighteen years ago. Granted, then I'd taken the test at a correctional facility, but I was still alone, afraid, not knowing what would happen and there was some guy not being there for me. I decided to take a shower, my answer to every bad feeling, and when he wasn't there when I got out I started getting ready for bed.

After about an hour I was waiting patiently with a book in our bed, and he still hadn't come home. It was really getting late, and I was starting to worry that something could've happened, so I decided to call him. I found my phone and dialed the numbers, hands sweating and fumbling with the touch screen. After a few signals he picked up.

- Sorry love, just sitting by the docks. Lost track of time. I'll be home in a minute…He didn't bother saying hello, or asking why I called. He knew full well it was me. I couldn't wait any longer, I felt I had to tell him or die.

-Killian… the test came back positive, which means I'm really pregnant. I'm sorry… There was a moment of silence on the other line when I thought my heart might have given up, then he said:

- No, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry Emma. On my way, love.

Only, in the morning, about seven hours later, he'd still not come home.