Chapter 11: Who Wears the Pants?
"Well if today isn't the definition of a turd sandwich, then I don't know what is," Vanille said.
The three of us had spent all morning crowded around my communicator arguing with Rygdea. The conversation had ended with the Lindblum rudely cutting signal.
If he wasn't going to send a pick up, then Lightning couldn't understand why he wouldn't let us leave. Technically, we had wandered Pulse on foot and survived before. Despite being on the opposite side of the Gorge, we were equidistant from Oerba as we'd been during our l'Cie days. According to her, it was entirely possible for us to just waltz up to Vanille's old home by ourselves.
Strangely enough, Vanille agreed with Rygdea. We shouldn't move locations. Regardless of Lightning's viewpoint on fate and the universe, things had worked out in our favor last time. Today, we'd have no way of knowing if Atomos was even still in the area. If he weren't, we'd have to make the underground trek entirely on foot. But there were only automata down there, so we'd run the risk of using up our food supplies.
Just to rub salt in Lightning's wounds, Vanille had also pointed out that there were only three of us, not six. None of us had eidolons. And we weren't nearly as well equipped. We'd been lucky to crash into a relatively safe environment.
Lightning was pacing, unable to think of another plan. Turd sandwich, indeed.
"Don't worry, Light. They'll think of something. Maybe we should just take the day off for now. We're not in any rush. Plus we have fresh water and supplies here," I said.
"Only you would say 'let's take a day off' while stranded. I swear if I weren't here you and Vanille would be dead by now." She looked over at the girl. "Take that back, she'd be alive."
"You have such little faith in me. I provided breakfast; you were too busy talking to Rygdea to bother hunting something."
"Yesterday's jerky does not count as breakfast. But I have to settle since you have proven to have no culinary skills."
"No, you're just too finicky. I cook perfectly fine. Vanille has yet to complain." I gestured my thumb at the girl.
"Then why don't you just cater to her every desire and leave me out of it," Lightning said, crossing her arms. "I know you've been dying to since you saw her crystal."
"Happily, and while I do that you can run off into the woods and have communicator sex with Rygdea for all I care. I'll give you my damn watch!" I said, ripping off my watch and throwing it at her.
She caught it midair. "You better believe it. Have you taken a good look at him? He's got it all, and do you know what his best quality is? He's not an idiot like someone."
I knew she didn't mean it, but I felt every cell of body implode. I would never compare to the sort of man she was used to. She needed someone who shared her interests; I didn't ever plan on joining the military. I would always be younger than her, and probably shorter for that matter. Basically, I was the epitome of everything she wasn't.
Watching her interact with Snow, it was clear she had a short fuse. She'd been that way the entire time I'd known her. Yet, this felt like the first time we'd ever been truly angry with each other. All of this was over nothing; I didn't have the crush on Vanille that she assumed I had. As for Rygdea, well, Lightning knew he was my pressure point. I'd made that clear when I'd attacked him onboard.
I crossed my arms. Somehow I wouldn't be the first to apologize. Vanille just stared at the two of us. So much for being my wing-woman; she should've been intervening right now.
"Vanille," I said.
Lightning unleashed a guttural sound in anger. She was grinding her teeth. I found myself slightly conflicted. Jealously looked hotter than I'd expected.
"Lightning refuses to believe nothing is going on between us. So, for the record, for everyone present, for everyone everywhere: I do not like you in a romantic way. You are my friend. Not even my best one, that's reserved for her. You are just a regular friend." I waved a hand. "Care to help me explain this?"
Lightning's expression began to melt. She almost appeared unwilling to accept the truth, as if things would be easier for her if I did like Vanillle. I supposed they might, she wouldn't have to worry about a teenage boy being obsessed with her.
"Lightning. I'm gay for Fang. We've been a couple for centuries." She walked over and clasped her hands to Lightning's shoulders. "I'm not going to jeopardize things for a boy, since I've never liked one my entire life. And you might be right about Hope being an idiot." She let go of her. "But he's not the only one I've seen since waking." She jabbed me in the chest before leaving us alone. "Fix this."
"Sorry," I said.
"That's all I get, sorry? After you said such a repulsive thing to me?"
"What do you want from me? I apologized and told you I don't like Vanille. I can't give you any more than that."
Lightning was acting like I hadn't just announced that I liked her. There was no way she didn't already know, but this was the first time I'd practically said it. If humiliating myself wasn't an apology, I didn't know what was.
"If I hurt you, I'm sorry. I'm a little thin-skinned when it comes to matters like this, Light."
"And you think I'm not?" She handed me back my watch. "Rygdea is nothing more than a superior. An annoying one at that. I don't know why you keep lumping the two us together. You already know he's not my type."
Throwing my arms around her in a hug, I pressed my face into her chest. Even though we'd been bathing, we didn't have soap. This left her smelling deliciously musky, and I couldn't help taking in a deep breath. When I breathed out, her hair overhanging her shoulder fluttered.
"I know I shouldn't have said something so inappropriate. Gods, I don't know where the hell it came from. Believe me; it felt disgusting the second it came out of my mouth." I felt her resituate herself until she could return my hug. "Please forgive me for being an A-hole. If it helps my case, I'd like to remind you I'm a teenager. They are notoriously hormonal."
She playfully smacked me on the back of the head. "Don't bring up 'hormonal' to women. We will always win that battle." She peeled me away from her so she could look at me. "However, no matter how angry you get, it is never ok to talk to a woman like that. We get enough shit from men we hate; we don't need it from those we care about." She ruffled my hair. "On that note, I shouldn't have said the things I did. It's impressive you've managed to put up with my attitude since we crashed. I've been acting a little unfair. This whole thing feels like my fault. I promised your father I'd take care of you, so it's my responsibility to get you back in one piece. But that would be a hell of a lot easier if we weren't stuck in the middle of nowhere."
"Never apologize. You're stubbornness is one of your best qualities."
"You could have phrased that differently. Dedication. Loyalty. Sticking to my convictions."
"Nope, you're stubborn. But that's ok, because I like it."
She looked down and something caught her attention. A small snort escaped her mouth and she held up my wrist. Pointing at my pasty watch tan, she smiled and shook her head. I ripped my hand away and replaced my watch.
We didn't discuss anything after that. Lightning left to scout the perimeter with Vanille. I stuck around the campsite, checking in with the Lindblum. They didn't have any further news. In fact they suggested the same thing I had, to stay put. Whenever they would be able to fetch us, this would be the ideal location.
The day passed at an abysmal pace. I had planned a special apology for Lightning, but I wasn't sure if she'd like it. So as the hours ticked by, I kept second guessing myself. The three of us had just finished dinner when my communicator beeped.
"Alright, it's go time lil' buddy," Snow said through the device.
The two women looked at me curiously. I stood in front of Lightning who was still seated.
"Thanks," I responded.
I clicked at buttons on my watch to make the audio come in louder. It was a waste of the solar battery, which is why we usually huddled around the device. Also, the mic could only pick up everyone if we were right on top of it. We wouldn't need to answer Snow after this, so I cranked it as loud as it would go.
Music began to pipe in. Damn, Snow. I had asked for some folk music. Instead he was blaring orchestral. He knew exactly what was up with my request. That didn't surprise me; I'd overheard Serah and his conversation about the date back at the house. Now I wouldn't be able to play it off as something for all of us to decompress with. Lightning would know that this was specifically for her.
"Come dance with me, Light." I extended my hand to her.
"You going to let me lead again?" She stood, a smile spreading across her face.
"You're technically wearing a dress."
She dramatically brushed imaginary wrinkles from her skirt. She took me into her arms and began waltzing me around the campsite. She danced us close to the bushes and then swung me out of the way. I constantly had to kick rocks out of our path, which resulted in ridiculous looking steps. Finally with the area clear, we sped up. Yakshini had nothing on our frenzied dance amongst the shrubbery.
For the first time this entire mission, Lightning started whole-heartedly laughing. I knew she would, dancing made her elated in a way nothing else could. If it meant seeing her this happy, I was willing to be flung dangerously around. I had only learned this about her four months ago.
Father and I'd been supposed to attend a formal holiday event for his work. There would be a multi-course dinner, followed by a dance. Each year, just the two of us had attended. We'd always had plenty of fun, so I'd been a little confused as to why he'd wanted me to bring Lightning.
"Why don't you invite Ms. Farron?" my father had asked, looking over the rims of his glasses.
"I don't think she'd be interested in going with me," I'd stared at the invitation on the table.
"I imagine she wouldn't say no to a free meal. If you don't ask her, I will."
I'd been thumbing the embossed print, when I'd dropped the card to the floor. He couldn't have just asked her to something like this. Hadn't he known what his colleagues would have thought? I hadn't wanted all sorts of rumors to start about my father the skirt chaser. Because knowing her, she'd accept out of respect for him.
"Dad, you can't do that. That would basically be asking her out on a date," I'd said, frowning at him.
"Now I would never suggest my teenage son ask a grown woman on a date. However, you two need to sort out this quarrel you're in the midst of. I don't know what happened, but you've been acting strangely. Almost strangled. So if this helps, then invite her."
It had been wintertime. A concept I hadn't been fully aware of on Cocoon. I'd seen a simulated set of seasons in a museum once. The purpose had been to prove why our little planet had been a haven; humans couldn't thrive in such unpredictable environments. Of course, experiencing a shifting year-long weather pattern in less than five minutes would terrify anyone.
Yet, winter in the Capital had been surprisingly beautiful. The location had a full set of seasons, unlike the colonies built within the valleys near Oerba. Snow had its own appeal; it had sparkled in the sunlight in a way that Bhodum's sands never could. If the daylight had been beautiful, the nighttime had been elegant. The low clouds of snowfall would take on the yellow hue of the streetlights, causing the sky to glow.
On clear nights when the moon was full, the entire ground would be lit a delicate blue. The world felt eerily safe during winter. So, it had been with this unwarranted sense of calm that I'd agreed to invite Lightning.
Even though it had been just a friendly, family thing, it had taken me over a week to make the call to ask her. Of course she'd accepted immediately. I'd tried to make the event seem as unappealing as possible, boring politicians, stuffy CEOs, their children, and uncomfortable formal wear. She'd claimed to have vacation time; she'd make a weekend of it with her sister. Serah had wanted to go shopping in the city. Lightning would meet us on the evening of the party.
I'd never been more worked up for something so senseless. I'd used a great portion of the savings from my part-time job to buy a new suit and have it tailored. It hadn't been like I'd grown any, I could've just used the same one from last year. My father had taken the easy route and rented one. He'd laughed as I'd spent the better part of the afternoon running between the bathroom and bedroom. Each time I'd thought I'd conquered my hair; I'd panicked and washed the gel out. As nightfall approached, he had come to my room and easily tamed the monster on the top of my head. He'd made it rise in a gentle side swept swoop; I'd felt like a damn rock star. So when the doorbell had rung, I'd thrown the door open expecting to impress our guest.
Only, the most handsome person had not been me. Lightning had dressed in a perfectly tailored plum colored suit. It'd had a coordinating silk tie, and an impossibly white shirt. Intricate silver cufflinks and a tie pin matched the buttons. Her hair, usually loose about her shoulder, had been combed into some fancy ponytail-thing. All of her bangs and stray hairs had been pinned back. Her entire face had been exposed, revealing just how delicate her features were. I hadn't known what I'd expected from her, she'd always been masculine. Even in a suit, she'd been the most beautiful woman I'd ever met. Though, knowing that she'd specifically chosen something other than a gown had left me deflated. If anything had said "this is not a date" it'd been her out dressing me.
"You are a vision as always," my father had said over my shoulder.
"The both of you are especially dapper tonight. Thank you for inviting me."
Oh gods. How long had I stared at her without saying anything. I'd jumped down the steps three at a time to race to the door. He'd most likely walked leisurely to give us time.
"You're in pants." Maybe I should have stuck with the silence.
"As are you, Hope." She'd given me a wry smile. "Shall we head out? I told the taxi to wait."
My father had left to put away the overnight bag she'd brought and had locked up the house. I'd decided that I should get my head out of my ass. The whole reason I'd invited her had been to repair our friendship. I'd held out my arm to walk her to the vehicle. For some reason, she'd hooked her arm through it. As we'd walked down the path, frost and salt crunching beneath us, I'd noticed something different. She hadn't been the giantess I'd been used to. I'd been wearing dress shoes, which always had a small heel, but she'd been wearing flats. She'd been right, even if I were still short then; I'd been gaining on her. One day I'd be as tall as my father, and she would still be the same height as always.
"Sorry about the pants thing. You look kind of…" I'd been fiercely blushing. "I guess the night isn't going how I planned it."
She'd cocked her head, and then had let go of me to slide into the backseat. I'd followed her and had waited for my father to join us.
"How did you plan it then?" She'd elbowed me in the ribs.
I'd refused to answer her question. Thankfully she'd let it slide. By the time we'd reached the venue, the stifling atmosphere had vanished. My father had made sure to make her comfortable, making up for my sorely lacking conversational skills. When we'd eaten dinner, she'd easily made herself the center of attention. Everyone at our table couldn't get enough of her. They'd loved her stark sense of humor, and the stories she'd tell. Even though she'd had plenty of opportunity to, she'd never embarrassed me. She'd refused to say anything about me when my father's friends would ask.
As the night had begun to shift to dancing, several men and women had come to ask her. She'd politely declined them, claiming to be terrible at it. I'd known this had been a lie, the way I'd seen her move in battle proved otherwise. No one who had moved like that could be a terrible dancer. I'd taken a sip of my drink and had glanced at her. She'd smiled at me and stood up.
"You ready? Come dance with me, Hope." She'd extended her arm for me to take.
The second I'd taken her hand she'd dragged me to the dance floor. I'd taken classes my entire life at my mother's insistence. Any and all previous experience hadn't prepared me for Lightning, because she'd taken the lead. I'd initially almost tripped both of us, trying to find my footing. Once I'd figured out what the hell I'd been doing, she'd swung me all over the dance floor. Once we'd started having a good time, I couldn't stop laughing. She'd just grinned and ramped things up, gliding us between other couples. Sometimes she'd even gone as far as to dip or lift me. I should have been humiliated, but I'd never had so much fun. We hadn't played around like this in what had felt like forever. Everyone else had tried to match our frantic dancing; the band had had to change tempo and style.
Once everyone clearly had reached a point of exhaustion, the band had returned to playing something subdued. Things had been made worse when someone from our table had come up and had asked to cut in, her lie now exposed. She'd proceeded to dance with a variety of immaculately up kept men and women. I'd slouched back into my seat, trying not to drown in frustration. I'd ripped off my tie, feeling stifled.
At one point I'd seen my father dance with her. She'd looked happy, having a reprieve from the strangers hitting on her. I'd seen him mouth something that made her grin widely. At that moment, she'd tried to sneak a peek at me. When she'd realized that I'd been watching, her smile had vanished. I'd wished I could tell what my father had said, but as he'd spoken again she'd turned away. Out of my own fantasy, I'd almost sworn that she'd been embarrassed. Finally, my father had let her go and walked over to me.
"Are you really going to leave her out there like that?" My father had squeezed my shoulder. "She keeps turning people down, but they're being a little relentless."
"You don't know her like I do. If they truly bothered her, she'd just punch them. Or worse." I'd tried to shove his hand away.
"Son, she's not going to get into fisticuffs here. Especially if it would cost me my job. But mostly, she would never do something that would reflect poorly on you."
This had been when I'd chosen to change things. I'd stridden over and stripped her from the arms of some six-foot, glamorous millionaire. I'd taken the lead, and I'd felt her shudder when my hand had touched her back. Slowly trailing us across the dance floor, I'd made sure that our bodies would draw closer.
"Thanks for accompanying me tonight. Sorry I kind of left you to the beasts," I'd said, looking up at her.
"The pleasure is all mine, Young Master Estheim. Things weren't so bad. I was offered things like free legal and financial advice." She had lifted one corner of her mouth wryly.
"I didn't know these things could be this much fun. Though, how come I didn't see you like this at Serah's wedding?"
"Well," she'd said with a pensive expression, "I don't know. Perhaps it had been general unease about giving Serah over to Snow. Or maybe, to a lesser extent, I didn't have a partner I could let loose with."
"Light, I was there." I'd drawn her in, tightening our form.
"You know that it's not the same. Not the way you are now."
There had been layers upon layers of dense fabric separating us. The wool of my suit had been enough to temper it, but I had wondered if she could feel my heart. The ever increasing pace had thrummed into my ears, and my hands had begun to sweat. Not even taking on a fal'Cie had made me this nervous. That could end in death, but this might only end humiliation that I would have to endure forever.
"I've been trying to say it all night, but keep botching it." I'd squeezed her hand in mine. "I'm sure you already know, but you look breathtaking."
She hadn't responded to me. I hadn't really thought she would. Tonight had been about us no longer being awkward with each other. She had done her best to repair it, and then I'd gone and obliterated any goodwill. So we'd silently glided around the dance floor until the night came to an end.
When we'd gotten home, my father had immediately gone to sleep. Lightning had suggested we watch a movie after we'd showered. It had felt like the old times, where we'd just pointlessly hung out. I'd washed up first and then prepared snacks. Chips, popcorn, and candy had seemed worlds away from the rich meal we'd consumed hours before. She'd come downstairs in the baggy shirt and shorts she'd normally worn to bed. We'd been sitting upright on the couch, when she'd leaned into me. Then I'd kind of flopped over with my head on the armrest. So we'd passed the hours like this, until she'd fallen asleep. I hadn't lasted much longer.
Waking up, I'd felt incredibly comfortable. The TV had been turned off, bits of trash cleaned up, and we'd been covered in one of the spare comforters from the linen closet. Somehow we'd repositioned ourselves in sleep. I'd wedged her between me and the backrest, clutching her so neither of us would roll off. She'd been so warm, peaceful, and present; I couldn't help but run my finger along the length of her nose and down her lips. I'd said her name quietly trying to wake her up.
"Morning," she'd mumbled, and then she'd flexed her muscles. "When did you get us a blanket?"
"Uhm. I think my dad might have done that. Sorry."
For the first time in my memory, I'd seen her blush. Pink had spread across her groggy and flustered expression. She'd sat up, trying to look around the room. Only then, had it occurred to her that she'd been straddling my lap. I'd had zero control of what happened in my sleep. For someone usually detached, she'd started at the sight of my morning wood. She'd shot up, the blanket dangling from her shoulders like a cape. She'd ripped it off and had thrown it on me, tucking it over my face and holding it in place. Once it had been clear that I wouldn't resist, she'd bolted.
I'd lain there like a felled adamantortoise until I'd heard the upstairs shower engage. We'd both known nothing would happen; there'd been no reason for her to react like that. I'd cleaned up the rest of our mess and had gotten dressed for the day. By the time I'd returned to the living room, Lightning had been waiting with her bag. She'd already called a taxi, stating that she couldn't be late for the train home. My father had tried to convince her to at least stay for breakfast, but the next departure wouldn't be until the evening. Another snowfall had been due and she couldn't risk a delay.
Finally the taxi had arrived and begun honking its horn. I'd walked her duffle down and the driver had helped me chuck it into the trunk. When I'd reached the stoop, she'd been saying her goodbyes to my father. This had included a hug, when she'd been prone to firm handshakes with men other than Snow and me. I'd found this oddly satisfying, as if he'd become a part of her family.
"Crap, I forgot my communicator on the sink," she'd said, trying to rush back into the house.
I'd tapped my hand to her hip. "I'll go get it."
By the time I'd returned, my father had already gone back inside the house. Lighting had been waiting for me at the bottom of the stoop with her hand outstretched. I'd paused on the last step and had passed her device to her. We'd been at eye level, and something about it had made her uncomfortable. She'd kept glancing at the ground. Her breath had swirled upward in tiny clouds, barely dissipating before being replaced.
"I should probably get a move on. Thanks for inviting me," she'd said.
"It gets kind of boring with just me and dad. I love having you around."
I'd given her a quick but strong hug. Finally, she'd looked up, and we'd made proper eye contact. Then she'd stopped playing by the rules.
"So. This is goodbye for now," she'd said before giving me a peck on the cheek. "I'll see you in a couple of weeks. I'll be staying downtown, but I'll make sure to drop in."
My entire face had begun heating up; it'd been my turn to blush that morning.
"You kiss all of your friends goodbye like that?" I'd asked, not willing to let this go.
"It was nothing, Hope. Just forget it."
This time, I'd been the one to kiss her. No hesitation. I had let it linger more than polite society would have called a peck. Actually, no one would have ever called what our mouths had done a peck. Every portion of my body had felt like the tingles of a limb that had fallen asleep. Except that the feeling had been pure excitement instead of pain. Just as her fingertips had slid up my bicep, I'd found myself reaching for her waist. By the time her fingers had gripped at my bandana to pull me as close as possible, the taxi driver had resumed his incessant honking. I'd forced myself to disengage.
"That was just between friends?" I'd said while opening my eyes to see hers still closed.
"Absolutely. Completely platonic." Why had she been agreeing with me?
Letting go of me, she'd stepped back. She'd run her hand through her hair, mussing the top. Her bangs had stood on end, so I'd reached to finger them back in place. She'd taken in a deep breath and let it slowly escape her lips.
"Like I said, forget it. I really do need to head out," she'd said before darting away.
I'd rocked on my heels until the vehicle had pulled completely out of view. I'd been even more confused than ever. Why had she kissed me? She'd made herself perfectly clear a few months ago that nothing would happen between us again. Maybe the implication had been that the timing had been off. That had been the wrong time, but we were approaching the right one? I'd needed to stop getting my hopes up.
"Completely platonic?"
I'd turned around to see my father leaning against the door frame.
"Yes?" I couldn't even convince myself with that one, much less anyone else.
I'd tried to nudge my way past him.
"Son, you need to remember she is an adult. The two of you are going to have different expectations." He had patted me on the back.
"Believe me. I know that I don't have a chance in hell."
I wished that I hadn't, but I had stomped my way up the stairs and slammed the door. Solidly proving my father's point.
Just like everything else, she'd never mentioned that weekend after it had passed. Nor was the action repeated. Only this hadn't been like her birthday, where things had been unexpected. Everything about this had been planned. I'd asked her out, she'd accepted. We'd kissed goodbye. But she'd pretended, as always, that there was nothing between us.
So I had stopped trying. "He Quit" would inevitably be my epitaph. Though Snow should be grateful, he had my lack of dedication to thank for his life. So why had I started again? What had made me think that I still had chance, no matter how slim?
Today I wouldn't worry about any of that. I would just make her happy, promising to myself never to be as hurtful as I had. Wrapping myself up in my feelings for her had only ever gotten us in trouble. So we kept dancing until Snow cut in on the communicator.
"I can hear you giggling like school girls and all, but the techs here don't think your battery can keep holding at full strength. If an emergency arises we'll need to get ahold of you. So we're gonna have to end your little date."
Lightning threw her arms up in the air, letting me go without warning. Loaded with momentum, I tripped and landed on my ass. Vanille, whom we'd completely forgotten about, burst into a fit of laughter. She'd been busy trying to spin wool with a drop spindle she'd fashioned.
"Not a date, Snow," Lightning shouted in my direction.
"Sure. Whatever you say, Sis. Anyway. Goodnight. We'll check in with you if we get any news," Snow said.
The communicator made a distinctive click as the line shut off. I lowered the volume and went to investigate Vanille's project. She'd always loved sheep, but I didn't realize she actually had a practical use for them. Her skirt had been fur, not woven fabric. Lightning came and sat next to me. She rested her head on my shoulder as we watched Vanille create yarn.
"So I take it you two are over your crap?" Vanille said.
"Not entirely," Lightning said with a sigh.
I turned to look at her, kind of forgetting that her face was so close to mine. At this distant, I could tell she had a very faint blush.
"There are definitely some things that I don't think either of us is ready to deal with yet. That a fair assessment?" She tapped her fingers to my knee.
"Sure. For now," I said.