That's Not Mayonnaise You're Eating…
Chapter 2: Moosi
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Disney or much of anything…
Hermione awoke from her dream to see the face of Ron Weasley.
"Ron?" she asked feebly, still recovering from the trauma she couldn't remember.
"Yeah?"
"Why are you in the girl's dormitory?"
"Uh….panties?"
"Ok," she muttered falling back asleep.
Hermione awoke the next day to a bright and happy sun-shiny day. The birds were chirping, the organ was grinding, and there were bubbles coming from the common room.
"Bubbles?" Hermione thought out loud as she changed into her day-clothes. Curiously, yet cautiously, she made her way downstairs. She was greeted with Harry and Seamus dancing to Under the Sea from The Little Mermaid.
"Hey Hermione," Harry called out, "Join us!" Hermione couldn't say no to that. Especially since she had peaceful, dreamless night.
As the three danced to various Disney songs, people began to gather around them, watching them dance on this lovely Saturday morning. People started to whistle and join in, just for the hell of it, even if they didn't know what they were dancing to…or why, for that matter. Before they knew it, the whole Gryffindor tower was wide awake, dancing wildly, in all aspects of the word, to Disney music.
Breakfast was delightful. It was obvious that everyone was glad to be back to the place they felt was a second home. However, there was one major disruption. A herd of wild moose seemed to have wandered into the castle and were wreaking havoc everywhere.
"Moose is a fun word." Harry quipped.
"What's the plural of moose?" Ron asked candidly.
"Mooses?" Dean offered.
"Moosi?" Fred jumped in.
"Meese?" George tried.
"No…" Hermione answered, "it's just 'moose'."
"Yes," Seamus admitted, "but what's the plural?"
"Moose." Hermione said again.
"All right! We know there's a moose in here," Lavender barged in, "but we want to know what the plural of 'moose' is."
"Moose."
"Arg! I give up." Ron yelled and got up to leave. Everyone seemed to agree with this and rose to their feet too. Hermione just sat there looked annoyed because no one knew that "moose" was singular and plural.
Just as the Gryffindors stepped away from the table, Snape rushed into the room. The majority of the school was in there eating breakfast, but everyone was silenced instantly by the sight of an unruly Snape. That usually meant that something bad happened.
"The moose!" he exclaimed, "They got into my cabinets."
"Calm down Severus," Dumbledore said calmly, "what seems to be the problem."
"9873460987237196587612987561298756 points from Gryffindor!"
"Um…Severus…the problem?"
"Oh…right…The moose!" he cried out again, unable to find words.
And as luck would have it, a moose barged into the great hall. Except it wasn't a moose. It was a…thing. Nothing else could've described it. It was white, had black spots, and this thing on it's underside that looked like one of those surgeon gloves.
"OH MY GOD!" a Ravenclaw screamed, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!"
Panic erupted throughout the Great Hall. The thing stared at everyone with these beady little eyes. It made this weird noise that no one ever heard of. It resembled the sound an old fat guy who's sitting in a chair makes when he falls off and groans in pain. Within seconds, the Great Hall was empty and the strange thing walked over to the Hufflepuff table and began chewing away at it.
"What was that thing?"
Ron was the first to speak up after everyone had made it back to the tower. Everyone else kinda just sat there, teetering back and forth in horror, except for Harry, of course. He was standing near the entrance to the common room striking a pose that said "I'm a hero and these are the kinds of things I deal with, so I shall go out to the castle, engage into a heated battle with the monstrous being and bring it to shame. I will conquer it so that Hogwarts will once again be free! Free from the evils that taint its walls, its students, AND its moose (and yes…'moose' in the plural sense). However, I shall be thwarted in my plans until the very end, for I am but a student and though there are many others who are much more educated and knowlegeful than me, I am insanely lucky and brave."
After the Gryffindor crowd stared at him for about five minutes, Harry was satisfied and left. As he skipped merrily down the hall, squeezing his sheep's eye, of course, he ran into the last person he expected to ever run into at Hogwarts.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"No one."
"'K, bye!"
"Toodles."
Yes. It was someone Harry had never seen before. For that reason, it's obvious that he never expected to run into that person at Hogwarts. Life is logical in that aspect.
So after traversing the hallways for about seven and a half hours, Harry finally found the monster. It was gruesome. Rated R. But Harry knew just how to beat it. Harry knew the one way that he could get it out of the castle forever. Feeling superior, he walked up to the monstrosity.
"Ha!" he said
"Moo," it replied.
"Just 'cause I'm the enemy doesn't mean you have to insult me like that!"
"Moo," it replied.
"OH MY GAWD! I can't believe you just said that!"
"Moo," it replied.
"ARRRGGG! I hate you! I hate you!"
With that, Harry fell to the floor and began to throw a tantrum. He threw it until it broke through the nearby window, falling 7326159489324155965659764866496439180729856661256862112375698712937596123496514236549267017394171539674912578615609802608203867187716987561987260804367238745601765078612487561904750671624087568732468957629837465786106435 stories to its untimely death. Harry turned his attention back to the evil thing that tainted the walls of Hogwarts.
"I challenge you to a game of strip poker!," he declared, "The loser leaves Hogwarts forever."
"Moo," it replied.
So Harry pulled out a deck of cards and began to shuffle. However, the creature had no clothes on, so it lost by default and was forced to leave the castle by the randomly placed magical binding contract on the two of them.
For some reason not yet known to mankind, which includes the wizarding kind, in case you were wondering, all of the moose in the castle followed the weird mutant out. It was as if they were placed on an Imperius curse and were forced to obey the black-spotted thing.
Harry pranced back toward the common room when he ran into the last person he wanted to run into (see, this time, Harry knew who it was, so it would be expected, but it wasn't expected, but it was plausible). Severus Snape looked down his long crooked at young Harry Potter.
"Hi!", Harry smiled, obviously in a chipper mood.
"Hello!" Snape responded just as happily.
"What brings you to these parts of London?"
"Just a working a bit."
"Oh, how nice."
"Isn't it?"
"'Tis."
"Well, tra-la-la then."
"Toodles dude."
So Harry made his way back to the Gryffindor common room. When he entered it was pitch black and everything was quiet. He reached to flick on the light switch, expecting to see everyone jump out and yell "SURPRISE" because he had just bested a monstrosity no one else would have even dreamed of. But instead, he tripped over his own feet and fell face first into the ground. Getting up, he flipped the switch and was greeted with the "SURPRISE" that he had expected. I mean…what good is Gryffindor if they don't throw a party for every little whim of a thing that the Great Lord Harry Potter did?
Well, at about the time that Harry was thrown his party, the Slytherins all woke up. They knew something was up. For some reason, they all felt stupider, except for Draco Malfoy, of course. A boy with looks as good as his isn't affected by the Great Lord Harry Potter. Instead, he just rolled over and went back to sleep.
The next morning, Draco woke up. He didn't feel too good. Then, he went to breakfast. There, he ate food. Mmmmhmmmhmmm, food. Then he felt better. Yay for food. Right…enough about Draco. Back to Hermione.
Hermione yelled at Harry. Of course, this was for no good reason, whatsoever. Harry, who had just had the best night of his life, at least in this school year, so far, had done nothing wrong. In fact, he had saved the school once again! He wouldn't stop bragging about it. Every time anyone tried to talk to Harry it was "monster-thing this" or "evil herd of moose" that. Maybe that's why Hermione was yelling at him. The world may never know.
At precisely that time, although when "that time" was, no one really knows, Dean tripped down the stairs, his arms flailing, with a Tootsie Roll Pop in his mouth.
"Hey Harry…?" Dean mumbled.
"Yeah?"
"That hurt."
"Duh?"
"Right."
Once again, Dean was pushed aside like a rag doll because he wasn't one of the important characters. Completely ignoring everyone other than Ron and Harry, Hermione took them both by the arms and dragged them behind her to breakfast.
At breakfast, the trio runs into none other than Draco Malfoy.
"Hello, Potter." Draco spat.
"Why, hi!" Hermione piped up.
"Are you Potter?"
"No."
"Then don't respond when I'm talking to Potter."
"But…"
"Shut up, you stupid Mudblood."
"Did you just call me what I think you called me?!" Hermione's temper began to rise.
"It's what you are, isn't it?"
"Can't you just treat me like a regular person?"
"But you're not human, you're a Mudblood."
That was the straw that broke Hermione's back. Well, not literally. It's a figure of speech. Anyway, Hermione, not caring about the figure of speech, punched Draco in the face before he could do anything. He tumbled backwards, attempting not to fall, but failed miserably and landed in a pile of Mrs. Norris' cat poop.
As it turns out, Hermione was really a jiu-jitsu master. Before Harry and Ron could blink, she had pulled a gazillion moves on Draco, breaking his spleen. Hermione turned to the two boys.
"Let's go." she chirped.
"Aren't you going to finish him off, Hermione?" Ron asked sounding disappointed.
"No," she declared, "martial arts are only for self-defense."
A/N: Wow…I got good reviews. Well…mostly good reviews. That beats my expectations (which was 0, in case you were wondering). Thanks a bunch guys. Hope you liked this one as much as I enjoyed writing it.