That's Not Mayonnaise You're Eating…
Chapter 3: Cheesecake
Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Harry Potter and, therefore, will not see a profit from the sale of its merchandise.
The next day, nothing interesting happened. In fact, if given the option, Hermione would choose not to live it. But she wasn't given a choice so she lived it anyway. However, due to the fact that nothing happened, well…nothing worth mentioning anyway, I'm not going to dwell on the subject any longer.
The next day, Hermione woke without a start. She got out of bed, took a shower, brushed her teeth, did all those girly-morning things that girls do in the morning and was then, only then, rewarded with her first concrete thought of the day. She felt so strongly about the matter of this thought that she decided, subconsciously, of course, to voice it, though there was no one around to hear it.
"Yesterday," she stifled a yawn, "was one hell of a useless day." With that, Hermione felt much better and skipped off to breakfast, now fully awake.
Hermione arrived at the Great Hall to find many-a-students rioting. However, because she was in a chipper mood, she didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. But because this is a fanfiction, to keep all you readers entertained, SOMETHING has to happen. So as Hermione, in her horribly chipper mood, reached for her glass of pumpkin juice, she wondered if there was ever anything else to drink. The only drinks she's been exposed to, in the wizarding world, have been pumpkin juice, Butterbeer, and some old dude's Fire Whiskey. I mean, don't these people even drink water?!
These thoughts went through Hermione's head up until she actually touched the glass of pumpkin juice. When she wrapped her small and delicate fingers around the glass she was overcome by an overwhelming desire to quench her thirst. Her mouth began to water, which is, of course, a figure of speech, because her mouth emitted saliva, which combines water with other elements and such, or some sort of thing that Hermione would know about because she is both smart and the daughter of two dentists.
This overwhelming desire to quench her thirst was interrupted, as most things in this fanfiction usually are, just as the rim of the glass touched her bottom lip. However, unlike most things in this fanfiction, it was interrupted by a pie. Truth be told, it was a lemon pie.
It was a very noticeable lemon pie, especially for Hermione. Although sometimes, when something is right in front of your eyes, you tend not to notice it, when something is IN your eye, you tend to freak out. So Hermione did just that.
Getting up, screaming, and running all over the place, waving her arms around, of course, Hermione managed to bring a stop to the rioting by bumping into everyone and anyone.
"That's our Hermione for you," Professor McGonagall mused to no one in particular. "She's prefect material, that girl is!"
Malfoy, who was still miffed that the muggle-born witch kicked his sorry ass a couple of days back, dumped a giant vat of water on Hermione. Why? To tell you the truth, I don't really know. Nevertheless, the water washed away the lemon pie out of Hermione's eyes.
For a second, Hermione was grateful. Then, she remembered she was wearing a white shirt. She looked down to see her shirt sticking to her body and her red bra shining through it.
Right about here would be a really good spot for a plot twist. A really, really, REALLY good spot. However, because this story has no plot, there is no way it can have a plot twist. Hell, I'm just happy that this story good grammar has. Anyway….back to the story.
Everyone was staring at Hermione. No one had really noticed before that she had gorgeous curves under her robes. And now that her hair was wet and not frizzy, she was what the boys would call a "looker". Obviously, being as smart as she is, Hermione used advanced calculus, physics, and a bit of art history to do a quick calculation in her head, resulting in the realization that everyone was staring at her.
Malfoy's jaw fell to the floor. He picked it up and put it back on his face. He never knew that THIS is what a mudblood could look like. He'd always imagined they looked hideous, but this creature before him, this…this…goddess, was anything but that. Maybe…just maybe…his father was wrong. Malfoy was in love.
About then, Hermione decided that standing around in a wet t-shirt, displaying her bra, wasn't such a good idea. Her face turned redder than her lingerie and she ran out of the Great Hall as fast as she could.
After changing into a dry shirt and drying her hair, until it was dry, with a dry towel, Hermione hoped the day would remain dry and sunny. Suddenly, she wanted cheesecake.
Hermione didn't know why she wanted cheesecake, for she was never one whose sweet tooth commanded her every whim. That would be Ron, who, unbeknownst to Hermione was purchasing a full set of photos, of Hermione's theatrics this morning, from Colin Creevy, who was selling them at a galleon each or 10 galleons for a full set, which consisted of 12 photos. Ron, whose family, according to Malfoy, was rich challenged, had spent the better part of his life savings to purchase these photos. It would later be rumored that it was that point in time when Colin would find that his negatives of these pictures vanished and all copies owned by anyone had disappeared. Although everyone suspected Ron was the culprit behind this, all evidence brought forth to prove his guilt turned out to be circumstantial. However, students, particularly Gryffindor students, claim to hear odd noises coming from Ron's poster bed at late hours on Friday and Saturday nights.
Well, regardless of whatever the hell Ron was up to, Hermione still wanted cheesecake. She found that she had left Gryffindor tower. As she rounded the corner she didn't see cheesecake. Instead, she saw Harry.
"Hi!" she exclaimed, in a not-so-chipper-but-not-depressed-although-somewhat-slightly-embarassassed-for-practically-flashing-the-whole-school kind of voice.
"Yo." said Harry, in a I'm-so-cool-because-I-defeat-beasts-that-are-unknown-to-human-kind-and-you-shouldn't-pity-me-for-the-things-that-Voldemort-has-done-to-ruin-my-life tone.
"You're not cheesecake…." Hermione muttered.
"Weren't classes supposed to start like 2 days ago?"
"Yes."
"Why didn't they?"
"I dunno. Did you ask Dumbledore?"
"Not yet."
"Shouldn't you?"
"And spoil all this fun?"
"Homework IS fun."
"But it's not cheesecake." Harry pointed out.
"True."
As it turns out, Malfoy had been listening to this whole conversation from around the corner. This was not the same corner as the one Hermione turned directly before she saw Harry, but another one a couple of meters away. If you're worried that Malfoy misheard something or something to that extent, you need not worry yourself, for Hogwarts is a castle with good acoustics.
Now…you have to understand, though I'm sure you already do, that Draco Malfoy's initials are DM. If his prefix happened to be Robitussin, he'd be the cough syrup that cures congested chests. But I very much doubt that his father would give him such an un-vile-sounding prefix. Regardless of all that, Draco was a spoilt brat who was used to getting everything he wanted. Right now, he wanted Hermione Granger. And right now, Hermione didn't want anything to do with Draco Malfoy.
Hermione and Harry made their way to the kitchens in search of some cheesecake.
"Hi Dobby." Harry said.
"What is Dobby owning this pleasure to, Harry Potter, sir?" Dobby squealed in his house-elfy voice.
"Um…nothing really."
"I want cheesecake!" Hermione announced, sounding very much like a 4-year-old.
"We is not having any, miss."
"Could you make some for me?" Hermione pleaded, her eyes as big as saucers, adding to her femininity.
"No." Dobby said, sounding very, very, VERY serious. So serious, in fact, that Hermione was taken aback by it.
"But…why?" she asked.
"Let me give it to you straight." Dobby said, propping an arm up on the table between them. "Ma homies don't be wanting none of your S.P.E.W. crap that you've been dishing out." Harry and Hermione's jaws dropped. Dobby was gangsta! Who would've thunk? As they closed their gaping mouths, Dobby continued. "I'm free 'cause I wanted to be free, but you don't see me pushing my peeps to be doing things they don't wanna."
"But…"
"The hell with you. You ain't getting nothing from us." Dobby growled as he shoved them out of the kitchens. He turned to Harry before turning to go. "Dobby is sorry, Harry Potter, sir. Dobby is not be wishing you to see that, sir." he bowed, resuming his house-elfy voice, as he left.
"Well," Harry said getting up and dusting himself off, "that was odd."
"I want cheesecake…" Hermione pouted.
Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy was owling commands to anyone and everyone of power. Before long, he had complete control over a small army of highly trained agents. Though he managed to keep his motives a secret, he could never truly know if the agents knew what he was really after. However, being highly trained agents, they held everything with utmost confidentiality and were immune to most common forms of torture and even some unusual ones. Basically, Draco's secret would be kept within boundaries.
"Boys!" Draco hollered. "Today we being our journey. Today, we will become men!" A loud cheer filled the room. The agents looked pleased with themselves and felt more accomplished. The merry-making was cut short by a loud "THWACK" that resonated through the room. It became silent instantly. The agents looked toward Draco with a mix of astonishment and fear. And no one, and I mean NO ONE, not even your great-great-great-grandma twice removed, was more amused than Draco was. The "THWACK" had come from the act of Draco's leg being slapped by a little girl who looked to be seven-years-old.
"Who's the squirt?" Draco asked his informant, who stood by his side.
"That happens to be General Lieutenant Colonel Captain Flimmans. Her first name is Tina." the informant quipped.
"Well…I don't care what rank she holds." Draco turned to Tina. "Listen, missy, I give the orders around here."
Apparently, this wasn't the right thing to say because in the blink of an eye, Draco found himself pinned to the ground with the seven-year-old sitting on his chest. He also found himself staring into the barrel of a .38 caliber pistol, which Tina was aiming, menacingly, directly between his eyes.
"You'd do well to know your place." She said in a calm, cool voice. "I may take orders from you, but I expect to be regarded with the respect I deserve." It was then that Draco learned an important life lesson: Little kids are scary, especially little girls.
Flimmans leaped to her feet and frolicked back over to the agents, taking her place.
"Why'd I get slapped?" Draco asked her, the terror in his face, now clearly visible.
"THAT was for being a chauvinist pig and not including girls or women in that pitiful speech of yours!" she screamed.
"Sorry, ma'am." Draco answered wisely.
Truly fearing the little girl and the want of accomplishing his goal in mind, Draco quickly set forth this legion of agents to find some cheesecake.
As Harry and Hermione were passing by the library, on their way back to Gryffindor tower, from the kitchens, they bumped into Ron.
"Ron!" Hermione smiled. "Where've you been? I don't see you around much anymore."
"I need some of your hair." Ron said matter-of-factly.
"My hair?"
"Why?" Harry asked.
"Well….um…."
"Is it for –" Hermione started.
"NO!" Ron screamed, a look of horror spread across his face. "It is absolutely NOT for a Polyjuice Potion that I'm NOT making!"
"I see…" Harry muttered.
Ron, who felt very uncomfortable now, reached out, grabbed a single strand of Hermione's hair and plucked it from her head, much like you'd pluck the feathers off of a duck, which, by the way, I have never done and never plan on doing – for the record. He then happily hurried into the library to NOT research Polyjuice Potions.
"Is that legal?" Harry asked.
"I dunno." Hermione responded.
"Maybe I should get some of Ginny's hair…." Harry pondered aloud.
"—KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH—"
"TONY?! TONY?! DAMN," Draco wiped the sweat off his brow, "we lost another one."
"—KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH— Sir, we have located a restaurant in America called The Cheesecake Factory. —KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH—" another walkie-talkie rang.
"Excelent! All units to this location. Secure the perimeter." Draco ordered into another walkie-talkie.
A few seconds passed before the reply came. "—KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH— Perimeter is secure, sir. All are accounted for, sir. —KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH—"
"Move in."
"—KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH— Yes sir. —KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH—"
Bob lived a happy life. He had two children and a beautiful wife. They lived in a nice, quiet neighborhood in a cozy split-level house. Recently, they had bought a 48-inch flat-screen TV to commemorate Bob's promotion to District Manager. Being a District Manager wasn't too hard of a job. He was in charge of three of the stores of the franchise he worked for, all residing in the same general area. All he had to do was make sure the other employees were doing their jobs and to make sure nothing major happened to any of the stores. Oh...and there was a bit of paperwork and stuff too.
This particular afternoon, something major was happening.
"Sir, it seems we have been surrounded, sir." an employee reported, bursting into his office at 1400 hours.
"Who are they?" Bob asked.
"The recon unit reported that they are all wearing black suits and sunglasses, sir. This could mean trouble for us, sir."
"Lockdown procedures immediately."
"Yes sir."
Bob reached under his desk and hit the big red button that was to be used only in the case of an emergency.
"—KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH— Sir, they have the place on lockdown, sir. —KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH—"
"What?!"
"—KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH— Metal blinds have covered all the doors and windows, sir. —KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH—"
"No one got through?"
"—KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH— It seems that General Lieutenant Colonel Captain Flimmans was the only one to bypass the security, sir. She is on the interior, sir. —KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH—"
"Keep the perimeter secure and stqand-by for further orders." Draco spoke into the walkie-talkie.
"—KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH— Yes, sir. —KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH—"
Draco threw aside the walkie-talkie.
"Do we have the blueprints of the building yet?" he asked, taking a sip of water, leaning over one of the chairs in the control room.
"Yes sir." responded the man in the chair, pulling the blueprints up on the screen. A single flashing red dot stood in an area marked 'Customer Area'.
"Good." Draco said to the man. He donned a headset and spoke into it. "General Lieutenant Colonel Captain Flimmans, do you read me?"
"Yes sir, I hear you loud and clear."
"Permission to call you Flimmans or Tina, miss."
"Flimmans will do, sir."
"We have a track on you Flimmans. You should be in the 'Customer Area', the first room directly through the front entrance, am I correct?"
"Yes sir."
"What do you see?"
"There are twenty people. Five families. They look somewhat panicked, but seem to be too scared to move. These could be potential hostages, sir."
"Can you get to the Ladies' restroom? There should be a vent you can take from there."
"Roger that."
An alarm went off in Bob's office, accompanied by a flashing red light.
"It seems we have a rat problem Lieutenant…." Bob mused. "It turns out that our security has been breached."
"All opposing agents are still outside, sir."
"Could it be one of the customers trying to escape?"
"All customers are accounted for too, sir."
"Then you must've missed one."
"What should we do sir?"
"Maximize security in front of the vault. We must protect our cheesecake."
"All units sir?"
"Yes Lieutenant."
"What if they still get our cheesecake, sir?"
"That, Lieutenant, is not an option."
"Straight for 20 meters and then take the left fork." Draco relayed the information into the headset. "The next right and you should be three rooms from the vault."
"Is this the closest you can get me?"
"It's the closest vent exit to the vault."
"Roger that."
Draco watched as the flashing red dot moved along the vents. When she reached the opening in the vent, Draco spoke again.
"What do you see?"
"Guards. Lots of them. They're armed too."
"Armed guards? At a restaurant?"
"I think it's icing."
"What?"
"I think they're armed with icing."
"Fall back." Draco said immediately, suddenly becoming dead serious.
"No can do, sir."
"Why not?"
"I've never backed down from anything, sir."
"Damn, Flimmans, quit playing hero."
"Heroine."
"Yes, sorry."
"And I'm not playing, sir."
"You insist on going forward?"
"Yes, sir."
"And nothing I say will change your mind?"
"Yes sir."
"Then may God be with you General Lieutenant Colonel Captain Flimmans."
"Thank you, sir."
Draco watched as the pulsating red dot moved about the screen. Then suddenly, the dot vanished. Draco's grip tightened on the back of the chair until his knuckles turned white.
"Sir?!"
"What is it Lieutenant?"
"There's trouble in the rooms approaching the vault sir."
"Have we identified the trespasser?"
"Reports say it is a little girl around seven years of age."
"Our security was breeched by a seven-year-old?"
"So it would seem sir."
"Have they caught her yet?"
"No sir."
"Why not?"
"According to Rodney, sir, she is, as he puts it, 'thoroughly kicking our ass'."
"Not only has our security been breeched by a seven-year-old, but she's also defeating our troops?!"
"Yes sir."
"Then we have failed."
"But –"
"Did you know, Lieutenant, that I wanted to be a clown when I was little?"
"No sir."
"I wanted to make people laugh."
"I see, sir."
"But dreams don't always come true. Life hits you hard and one has to do what one must do."
"Life is harsh, sir."
"Yes it is Lieutenant." Bob sighed, getting up from his chair. "Let's go, Lieutenant. We must do what must be done."
"Yes sir."
Bob and the Lieutenant left the office and headed toward the vault. Stepping over the bodies, while looking for survivors, they found that no one was dead or mortally wounded. When they arrived at the vault, they saw that one cheesecake was missing and $24.99 stood in its place.
As the blinds lowered, late in the afternoon, the agents squinted, looking into the sun. They watched as a figure appeared in the distance. Then another, and another, and more. The agents made a path to allow the customers to pass. After the last customer had left, they looked back toward the restaurant. Their hopes faded as the minutes ticked away. They turned to leave, one by one. But just as the last agent was turning away, he caught a glimpse of a figure, dragging its left foot, clutching its right arm, emerging from the restaurant, out of the corner of his eye. He alerted the other agents and they all came running back.
"Hand me a walkie-talkie." Flimmans said.
Draco was overwhelmed with grief. He was on the verge of crying. Can you image? Draco Malfoy crying?! He had grown quite fond of General Lieutenant Colonel Captain Flimmans, even though they've only know each other for a short time. You see, Draco didn't really have any friends.
"—KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH— Sir? —KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH—" came a soft voice over one of the walkie-talkies.
"Flimmans?!?!" Draco was exuberant. Almost jumping with joy. "You're OK! You made it! I thought I lost you…"
"—KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH— I don't die easy, kid. —KSSSSSSSSHHHHHH—"
"I'm glad you're alive."
"Permission to return to HQ, sir?"
"Yes ma'am."
The second Flimmans stepped into headquarters, she was pulled into a monstrous hug by Draco Malfoy.
"Here's your cheesecake, sir." She said, holding out the box, when he finally let go of her.
"It's Draco, Flimmans."
"Tina."
"Thanks for the cheesecake and sorry for all the trouble I've put you through."
"You'll get our bill by mail sometime next week."
Draco was standing at the entrance of the headquarters to see them off. It wasn't until he was waving good-bye that Draco realized that he had just made his first friend.
When Hermione returned to her room after dinner, she found a wrapped present on her bed. The tag red:
With all my love, Your Secret Admirer
Inside, she found a cheesecake. And when she fell asleep that night, a soft, warm smile lingered on her lips.
A/N: What you think? Cheesy, eh? Well go make a cake with it. Much love.
P.S. - Sorry about the insanely long wait guys... I had this done sometime in July, but when I submitted it, I got rejected due to some formatting issues, which I'm sitll not sure what excatly was wrong... Anyway, I got frustrated and then college started again and I had like no time, and I still don't, but I figured I'd try again.