Chapter 20: I Lied
I reluctantly stepped onto the train and was immediately knocked flat on my face.
"Madam, we please ask that you not board the train as the doors are closing. May I see your ticket," an attendant said somewhere above me.
"I'm not a madam," I said, making to stand up.
"Here's my ID. Would it be possible to purchase one now? I would like to share the same compartment as Hope Estheim."
Balanced on all fours, I turned to see Lightning holding out her hand to me. The poor attendant was beeping away on her handheld device setting up the accommodations. She had the world's sourest expression, clearly angry at Lightning's dismissal of safety protocol. I, in comparison, had never felt every muscle of my smile strain so hard. I gripped her hand to stand, running my finger along her wrist. I couldn't tell if my pulse or hers was beating faster.
"I take it you're Estheim? Your compartment has been paid for in full. Technically she can ride with you if you give her the ok."
"Hell yeah," or rather a phrase significantly more vulgar, slipped from my mouth. "I mean, yes ma'am. Would you please direct us? Forgive our late arrival."
We followed the frustrated attendant along the many rows of cars. All the while, Lightning muttered into her communicator that she would take the next train back ASAP. I couldn't tell if Rygdea was infuriated or amused. Either way, I couldn't help but laugh each time his voice squawked loud enough for me to hear. Once we had been deposited in our compartment, I spent a total of twenty seconds finding out how to shutter any and all blinds on the windows. Then we wordlessly picked up where we had left off on the platform.
Lightning noticed one of the buttons on my fly was still undone and corrected it. I held her hand there.
"Are you sure this as far as we're going today? It doesn't bear repeating, but I won't be seeing you for what's beginning to feel like forever." I kissed her forehead.
She shook off my hand and placed her arms in her lap. Casually, she slumped over and rested her head on my thighs.
"I shouldn't have told you." I slumped into the seatback of the bench.
The treated fabric made a crunching noise, and I supposed she at least had a point. Nothing about the train was romantic, not that I was a maiden in need of roses and flattery.
We had boarded the train an hour ago and continued making out. The frantic kissing had been nice and all, but our actions had escalated exponentially. Like I'd told Vanille earlier, I hadn't been completely inexperienced.
Eventually, I'd pulled Lightning to the floor. We'd tumbled around groping at each other and the remaining bits of our clothes had either been bunched or removed entirely. I'd fished Snow's condom out of my pocket. By today, I should have learned to keep my mouth shut. Nothing she'd found sexy had ever come out of it.
"I'm not letting you off this train until I finally make you mine," I'd said.
She'd looked up at me, and steeled herself to say something. As I'd prepped myself, she'd finally spoken.
"I need you to be completely honest with me. This is your first time, isn't it?"
"Is this a trick question?" I'd asked, leaning back to drop the wrapper in the waste basket.
"Hope, you've been assertive this whole year. You got farther with me than most on my birthday. And that was before all of the 'courting' began." She'd stroked at my arm. "So I'd assumed that this wasn't going to be a big deal. But…"
"But," I'd finished her sentence, "I was really bad at that just now, wasn't I?" I'd said, my shoulders slumping.
"No, you were fine at that." She'd smiled and flipped us over until she'd pinned my arms above my head. "I still need you to answer my question."
She'd been using my phrasing from yesterday, only in a completely different context. I'd wanted assurance that we had a future together. She'd wanted to know about my past. Based on everything I knew about her personality, I would have to be completely honest. Even if that had meant it might bite me in the ass.
"What are you expecting, an entire breakdown of my history? Because that's kind of a mood killer." I'd thrashed around trying to unsuccessfully break free. "Fine. That thing you did, I had one of those back in Palumpolum. The thing that I did," I'd closed my eyes and sighed, "was it that obvious I'd never done it before? I mean… it was eventually a success. You weren't faking, right? Gods, Light. So what, I'm a virgin." I'd winced, the word feeling acidic in my legally-an-adult mouth. "But if you give me a chance, I won't have to be."
"You don't need to make me yours, I already am. You know that, and have been wrapping me around your finger. However, I know that you are overly sentimental." She'd kissed me before reaching for her discarded clothing. "So when we're in our eighties, I don't want you to get that wistful look in your eye, which you've been doing all week, and then sensually say to me, 'Remember when you took my virginity in that filthy train car? I actually got gum stuck up my ass crack.' Or something to that effect."
"I hope you know," I'd said, tightening the lacing on her skirt, "all I got out of that is how you plan on growing old with me."
Which had led up to the current scenario where we sat fully clothed.
I stroked at her hair and checked my watch. We had a little over an hour before the train would be pulling into my station.
"Will you give me the opportunity to be sentimental this time," she said, rolling over to look at me. "Can you pinpoint the exact moment when you thought we might be possible?"
"How…did you know that I could narrow it down to the second it happened?" I asked. "Did you feel the spark too?"
"I think it's time I explained something to you. Give you a little background." She held up a fountain of sparks to my cheek. "I've loved you a hell of a lot longer than you have me. It was imperceptible at first, I felt the same need to take care of you I did Serah. But soon enough you didn't need my protection. Yet, I still craved returning to you. My concept of home morphed from a place to a person." She tweaked my nose and placed her hand under her head. "I didn't think anything dangerous of the thought. You were just an extension of my family. Nor did I feel jealousy.
"Until I did. Your father had let you have some of the tequila I'd brought him back from Oerba as a gift. Something about the whole thing made you incredibly jealous. So your father and I played it up. Anytime he'd do something simple, like touch my hand while serving me a glass, your face would become hilariously animated. Neither of us had seen you act that way before, so we had fun at your expense. You had barely drunk anything, but you were hammered. So I'd offered to drag you up to your room. I carried you to your bed and tucked you in. Then you," she sucked in a breath, "kissed me. And you looked at me and said, 'If you just give me the chance, I'll fall in love with you.' Of course I asked you why the hell I would want that. And like the pompous little gremlin you are, you answered me. 'I'm not an idiot. My father isn't the Estheim you're after. I can tell when someone is attracted to me. So just give me some time, I'll love you back soon enough.' When you kissed me a second time, I saw the first spark."
It was like trying to see the bottom of a pond. The further one stepped in, the more silt stirred and obstructed the surroundings. The memory was there, embedded in the muck, indistinguishable from reality but present.
I'd assumed the incident had been a dream. It had plagued me by replaying night after night until the day in the kitchen. The spark had been obvious to me because I'd half-remembered the sensation.
Only, I'd asked her another question. Before I'd kissed her the second time, I'd paused and flopped back into the bed.
"You do like me, right? Don't waste my time if you won't feel the same way."
The hair hanging in front of her face had caressed my cheeks when she'd responded with a huffing noise.
"Seriously though, I'm already halfway there," I'd said, whining.
"Just half way?"
"Three quarters?" I'd leaned up and tried to the close the distance between our mouths again.
"A measly three quarters?" she'd said, grinning widely.
"Fifty one fifty-seconds."
"Still not enough."
"I lied. I already love you." I'd pulled her down and the instant our lips had met, sparks had shot out between us. It hadn't even been the lone spark she'd described, but a burst. Then I'd started uncontrollably laughing.
She'd shaken me off and stood straight. "Good night, Hope," she'd said glaring down at me.
"How is this not funny?" I'd said continuing to giggle. "Our kiss was literally magical. Guess I'm not just drunk. Come on, if this is just a figment of my imagination at least humor me." I'd sat up and tried to wrap my arms around her waist. One of my hands had missed and accidently grabbed her ass; she'd slapped it away.
"I'm not going to humor a drunkard."
"Not even one who just admitted that he loves you. It's not every day that someone likes a sourpuss like you." I'd said, poking her belly button and trying to stifle my giggles. "You're a soldier. Incredibly stubborn. Even kind of an asshole sometimes. With an attitude like that, how the heck did I end up saying it first?" I'd said, cocking my head. "You need to grab life by the big hairy balls, Light. Tell me you love me. Kiss me. Do something, but don't just sit around expecting me to always make the first move."
Then, I'd snuggled into my sheets and shooed her away. I'd believed that my brain had conjured up the whole thing until recently.
Giggles. They hadn't been from her birthday after all. This had been the laughter. She'd valued my drunken confession just as much as my physical affirmations.
"Then you waved me off and I left," Lightning said, finishing her story.
"And that's when you stopped touching me," I said, taking her hand in mine.
"Exactly." She interlocked our fingers. "I just sat on the memory, knowing it had been the alcohol talking. Then Serah said something interesting to me. She told me that sometimes, when Snow kissed her, she could almost feel snowflakes on her skin. She hadn't used magic before, but her husband had told her it had the same type of sensation."
"So my curiosity got the better of me, and the next time I saw you…"
"We stood in the kitchen and you ruffled my hair."
"Despite my best efforts to the contrary. You loved me just as promised." She sat up and hugged herself into me. "So there isn't a rush, Hope. All things reach their eventual destination."
We spent the final hour sitting in the quiet. At times we'd kiss, at others we'd speak, but mostly we just held each other. We hadn't even realized we were so close to the station until an attendant knocked on our door and the others within the car. We both approached the exit, but neither us opened it. I could hear passengers shuffling around in their compartments.
Lightning stood on her tip toes to rest her chin on the top of my head. "I love you, you tiny son of a bitch."
"And yet you frame it with an insult." I wrapped my arms around her head, pretending to smother her. "Damn it, Light. I don't know how I'm going to make it without you."
My smile started to twist. I felt myself beginning to hyperventilate. Since the day we'd met, I'd never spent more than month away from her. Now was not the time to be my temperamental self. Separating was equally hard for the both of us. The train was decelerating, our time was almost up. She brushed my arms away and placed her hands on my shoulder.
"Just a while ago, you were terrified of the unexpected. Nothing went as planned. But if they had," she said, looking into my eyes, "we wouldn't be here like this."
She kissed me for the millionth time today. Somehow it still felt like the first, the freshness not wearing off. I knew she needed to finish her thought, but this would be the last time I could connect with her. I savored the taste.
"It'll only be a couple of months. But I have this feeling, no matter what happens to me you'd be fine. So promise me you'll take care of yourself."
The train stopped entirely. Passengers stomped by in the hallway.
"I will. If you promise you'll come back to me."
The mood felt permanent and somber in a way it hadn't at the station. Then, her lips pulled into a wry smile. No matter how well I thought I knew her, these weeks had proven that she would never fail to surprise me. She casually spanked my ass.
"I have no intention of dying a virgin," she said flippantly.
I didn't even have a chance to respond. She slipped out of my fingers for the second time that day and into the crowd.
Author's Note: With this, the story comes to an end. I'll see you all at the epilogue :)