Chapter Three: NYEH HEH HEH!

Thoughts flashed through my brain as the footsteps got closer and closer.*Will they hurt me if I try to run? Will they kill me no matter what I do? I should have listened to Mother. I never should have asked so many questions! I want to go home!

A deep voice spoke from behind me, slowly. "Human. Don't you know how to greet a new pal? Turn around and shake my hand." I turned to face him, trying to hide how reluctant I was to do so. He was wearing a long, loose-fitting, dark-colored coat with a hood that obscured his face. When he extended his hand I could only see his fingertips, but what I saw alarmed me.

They were bones. Bare, pure white bones completely lacking tendons and ligaments, but were somehow reaching for me, anyway. I gave him my hand, hoping that I wasn't trembling enough for him to notice. He took my hand in his and…

A peculiar sound echoed through the woods. A rather rude sound, going on and on and on for a ridiculous amount of time. Finally, it ended with a squeak.

"heheh… the old whoopee cushion in the hand trick. it's always funny." He threw back his hood, revealing his… skull. Little white lights looking much like pupils shone from his eyesockets. His teeth were bare in a permanent grin. Somehow, he closed his left eyesocket to wink at me. "kiddo, you shoulda seen the look on your face. heh, priceless!"

He sobered slightly, looking me over. "anyways, you're a human, right? that's hilarious. i'm sans, sans the skeleton."

I managed to find my voice. "My name is Frisk. Nice to meet you."

"nice to meet you too, kiddo!" As I watched his face his smile changed slightly. The bone around his mouth was morphing, changing the shape of his mouth, changing his expression. It was fascinating to see. He noticed my scrutiny and seemed a little embarrassed. He scratched his cheekbone.

"so, uh, i'm actually supposed to be on the lookout for humans right now but… y'know, i don't really care about capturing anybody. now my brother, papyrus, he's a human-hunting FANATIC." Sans looked behind me, down the road, shading his eyes with a hand. "hey, actually, i think that's him over there." I gasped, turning around. I could just barely make out a figure in the distance.

Sans patted my shoulder. "don't sweat it, kid, i have an idea. just head through this gate thingy. yeah, my bro made the bars too wide to stop anyone." I crossed the bridge with Sans close behind me. Just then, a voice shouted in the distance.

"SANS! SANS, WHERE ARE YOU!"

"uh oh, he's closer than I thought he was…" Hearing Sans say that, I panicked. Instead of hiding behind the large lamp or the shack-like structure that were both nearby I ducked behind Sans, right under his coat. He was only a little bit taller than me so I had to crouch, but his clothing was so baggy I hoped it would be enough. I was almost pressing my face into his scapula. He smelled vaguely of pickles, for some reason, and he was warm even though he shouldn't be making any body heat, being a skeleton... Or it was simply that I was so cold what little body heat I was giving off felt nice under the heavy coat. That was probably it.

Thankfully, Sans didn't seem to mind my invasion of his personal space. In fact, he shoved his hands into pockets in his coat as I heard him say "heh, this could work." Then, speaking to someone else, he said " 'sup, bro?"

A very loud, bombastic voice answered him. "YOU KNOW WHAT 'SUP,' BROTHER! IT'S BEEN EIGHT DAYS AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T RECALIBRATED YOUR PUZZLES! YOU JUST LOLLYGAG AROUND YOUR STATION! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?!"

"oh, you know. setting up lamps, being the light of your life, the usual." I almost laughed, but managed to stop just in time. I think Sans heard me, because he nudged me with a shoulder blade. Whether as admonishment or something else, I wasn't sure.

Papyrus was having none of it. "SANS, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR IDEA OF A JOKE! WHAT IF A HUMAN COMES THROUGH HERE!? I WANT TO BE READY! I WILL BE THE ONE, I MUST BE THE ONE, TO CAPTURE A HUMAN!"

I dared to peer out between Sans' arm and his body. His brother was much taller than he was, but equally skeletal. He appeared to be dressed is some manner of armor, though I couldn't really see it from here. I could see him posing dramatically, the ends of his scarf waving in a non-existent breeze, not even looking at Sans as he continued to speak.

"WHEN THAT HAPPENS I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL GET ALL THE THINGS I UTTERLY DESERVE! RESPECT, RECOGNITION… I COULD FINALLY JOIN THE ROYAL GUARD! PEOPLE WILL ASK TO BE MY... FRIEND? I WOULD BATHE IN A SHOWER OF KISSES EVERY MORNING…"

"heh, snow doubt about it, bro. icey great things in your future."

Papyrus started throwing a tantrum, stomping the ground with one foot. "SANS! YOU ARE NOT HELPING, YOU LAZYBONES! I SWEAR, YOU GET LAZIER AND LAZIER EVERY DAY!"

"hey, take it easy. i've gotten a ton of work done today… a skele-ton." I felt Sans shrug with his hands and shoulders, and I swear I heard him wink.

Papyrus sounded exasperated. "SANS!"

Sans' hands were back in his pockets. "c'mon, you're smiling."

"I AM AND I HATE IT." Papyrus sighed heavily. "WHY MUST SOMEONE AS GREAT AS ME DO SO MUCH FOR A LITTLE RECOGNITION?"

Sans seemed sympathetic. "wow, sounds like you're really working yourself… down to the bone." I heard him wink again.

Papyrus had clearly had enough. "UGH! I WILL ATTEND TO MY PUZZLES… AS FOR YOUR WORK, PUT A LITTLE MORE BACKBONE INTO IT!" He cackled at his own joke and he ran off, throwing one last "HEH!" over his shoulder as he did.

Sans relaxed. "okay, you can come out, now." I did so, and apologized for using him like some sort of shield. He just shrugged it off. "don't mention it, kiddo. but you ought to get going. he might come back, and if he does… you'll have to sit through more of my hilarious jokes." He winked again. Before I could get very far he stopped me.

"actually, hey… hate to bother ya, but can you do me a favor?"

After helping me the way he did, I was ready to help him with pretty much anything. Within reason. "Of course, Mr. Sans. What is it?"

"it's just 'sans', kiddo. anyway, i was thinking… my brother's been kinda down lately. he's never seen a human before, and seeing you might just make his day. don't worry, he's not dangerous, even if he tries to be. so whaddya say? think you can play along with his puzzles for now?"

I took a moment to consider it. I wasn't very sure if playing into a monster's hands was a very good idea, but we were talking about the same person who had made that useless "gate." He acted more like an overgrown little boy trying to be a gallant squire, hoping to rise to the rank of valiant knight.

I smiled at Sans. "I can do that."

He smiled warmly. "thanks a million, kid. i'll meet you up ahead." He pulled up his hood and went back the way we came, the complete opposite of what he'd just said. Before I could call him back he was already across the bridge, his dark coat blending into the shadows. I ran after him, but his footsteps had stopped just like the ones from before. Exactly like the ones before, as a matter of fact. The size and shape were the same. It made me wonder if Sans had been the one trying to scare me earlier.

Somehow, that thought didn't surprise me all that much.

I crossed the bridge one last time. I inspected the strangely shaped lamp that might have just barely hidden me, and the little sentry station that had ketchup, mustard and relish in it for some reason. Was this why Sans smelled of pickles? I had to wonder.

A little ways down the road I came across strange box and a sign that said I could put anything in, and could retrieve it later from any similar-looking box. I had no idea if that was true, but I went ahead and put my Toy Knife, one of my Spider Donuts, and the slice of Butterscotch Pie that Mother and I were still eating before we… Before we had our disagreement. There was a Tough Glove inside, but I left it. I continued down the road and ran into the skeleton brothers again.

"SO, AS I WAS SAYING ABOUT UNDYNE… !" Papyrus noticed me while Sans was looking at him. Then Sans looked at me while Papyrus looked at him. Back and forth, back and forth they continued until they were practically spinning themselves around before they both finally stopped to face me.

"SANS! OH MY GOD! IS THAT…? A HUMAN!?"

Sans looked past me. "uhhhh… actually, i think that's a rock." I looked behind me and to my right and there was, indeed, a rock on the road. Papyrus was visibly disappointed. Sans then said, "hey, what's that in front of the rock?"

"OH MY GOD!" Papyrus grabbed Sans by one shoulder, turning him so they both faced away from me and brought their skulls closer together. He "whispered" to his brother. "IS… IS THAT A HUMAN?"

Sans "whispered" back. "yes."

"OH MY GOD!" They both turned back to face me, Papyrus with his hands cupping his mandible as he beamed. "SANS! I FINALLY DID IT! UNDYNE WILL… I'M GONNA… I'LL BE SO… POPULAR!" He brought himself back under control, coughing into a fist before posing dramatically, pointing at me.

"HUMAN! YOU SHALL NOT PASS THIS AREA! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL STOP YOU! I WILL CAPTURE YOU! YOU WILL BE DELIVERED TO THE CAPITAL! THEN… THEN…!" He frowned, his energy flagging. "I'M… NOT SURE WHAT COMES AFTER THAT." He shook himself. "IN ANY CASE! CONTINUE, ONLY IF YOU DARE!" He cackled as he ran off, leaving me and Sans behind.

Sans watched his brother's back until he was out of sight. He then turned to me while he said, "welp, that went well, i think." My misgivings about everything must have shown on my face, because he said, "don't sweat it, kid. i'll keep an eyesocket out for ya." He winked, as though to draw attention to his open right eye. It was so purposefully corny I couldn't help but smile. He then left to follow his brother.

I came across what might have been a sentry-station in a state of disrepair, but before I could inspect it my c-phone rang. I answered it, thinking it was Mother, but I was disappointed. It was indeed a female on the other end, but not somebody I recognized.

"Uhhh… (oh god I can't…) Um! I-i-is this…? … N-n-nevermind! Wrong number!" Click went the phone as the other person hung up. I stared at my phone for a moment, completely baffled, before doing the same.

I set the whole episode behind me as I inspected what was, indeed, a poorly constructed sentry station made by Papyrus. He had even included some narration on the sign tacked to the front, proclaiming himself to be a "famous Royal Guardsman." However, at the very bottom he amended a note saying he wasn't yet a famous Royal Guardsman. Papyrus was nothing if not honest, it would seem. I couldn't help but chuckle a little. I looked behind it, just to satisfy my curiosity, and found another one of those hooded glass eyeballs. *Just what in the world ARE these things, I wondered. It was just as rooted to the ground as the other had been. Down the road was yet another sentry station, this one looking more like the first. A sign set up nearby said "Absolutely NO MOVING!" I stood still for a moment, looking around.

I didn't see anyone, but there was a little bell to ring on the counter of the sentry station. I walked over to ring it, and noted the little dog-shaped wooden plaque above me as a man-sized dog stood slowly rose behind the counter.

His eyes were squinting even harder than mine. He had a bone-shaped biscuit hanging out the corner of his mouth as he said, "Did something move? Was it my imagination?" He growled a little. "I can only see moving things. If something moved, like a human for example, I'll make sure it NEVER moves again!" He drew two long knives from behind his back, using magic to turn them a pale blue.

He started a fight, my soul being brought forth. It took every fiber of my being to stay still, since he had just proclaimed he wouldn't see me if I did, but it was hard. Especially as he slashed at me from across the counter. But instead of feeling the blade sink into my flesh it passed right through my body! As he looked around, trying to find something, I took the Stick out of my hip pack. I threw it as hard as I could, back the way I came, and he fetched it. Satisfied, he let me spare him and I could move on. I let him keep the Stick.

I saw Sans again, and he gave me advice on blue magic. A bit too little, too late, but it was nice that he was trying. I slipped a little on some ice, but managed to stay on my feet until I was back on solid ground. I was, of course, attacked by random monsters and dealt with them the same way I had in the Ruins. I found a snowman that asked me to take a piece of himself "to the ends of the earth." I agreed, and put it in a box similar to the one I'd already encountered. It did, indeed, have the things I had deposited earlier. That earned it a sketch in my journal.

I came across Papyrus scolding Sans again. "YOU'RE SO LAZY! YOU WERE NAPPING ALL NIGHT!"

"i think that's called… sleeping."

"EXCUSES, EXCUSES!" Papyrus spotted me from across the open field, and began to explain the nature of the puzzle he had arranged for me in this spot. It was an invisible electricity maze, and whoever held the orb he was holding would be shocked with one wrong turn.

I immediately found a flaw in his plans. "Um, Mr. Papyrus? I think there's something wrong with this puzzle…"

He seemed baffled. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, HUMAN? I SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH MY STUPENDOUS PUZZLE! NOW COME! FACE ME IN THE FIELD OF BATTLE. A BATTLE OF WITS!" I had no choice. I walked onto the field and he was heartily zapped. He stood there, smoking for a moment before shaking it off and rounding on his brother. "SANS! WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

Sans was doing his best not to laugh. "i think the human has to hold the orb."

"OH, YES. THAT'S RIGHT!" He walked through the maze without a single zap, leaving a trail of footprints behind. He didn't even seem to notice he was giving me the solution. When he reached me, he asked politely for me to hold the orb. But instead of putting it in my cupped hands he balanced it perfectly on the top of my head! While I tried to maintain that balance he ran back through the maze, thankfully without zapping me.

"OKAY, TRY IT NOW!" Since I already knew the solution to the puzzle I left the orb on my head to increase the challenge. I called upon all my knowledge of proper posture to glide through the maze, the orb perfectly balanced and with nary a zap to be found. Papyrus seemed to be impressed. "YOU SOLVED IT SO EASILY… TOO EASILY! HOWEVER, THE NEXT PUZZLE WILL NOT BE SO! IT'S DESIGNED BY MY BROTHER, SANS! YOU'LL SURELY BE CONFOUNDED! I KNOW I AM! NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!" He ran off again, looking happy.

Sans came up to me and took the orb off my head. "thanks, kiddo. he looks like he's having fun. i really appreciate this."

I smiled. "Think nothing of it! I'm starting to have fun, too." He only chuckled, ruffling my hair and saying he'd get rid of the orb before someone really got hurt. He went behind a tree and disappeared again. It was strange how quickly I was becoming accustomed to his doing that.

While exploring I came across two more empty sentry stations with doggie plaques labeled "his" and "hers". It had a sign stating a "smell danger rating." I made a mental note of it because I had a feeling more dogs were in my future. I also came across Sans, who was loitering around thinking of selling "fried snow." He tried to sell me some, but I declined.

Yet again, Papyrus and Sans blocked my path. There was only a piece of paper on the ground between us, and Papyrus started arguing with his brother while I inspected it. It was something called "pick a pun", with a drawing of an ice cube with a face (named Ice-E, no less) encouraging children to make puns using a small pool of words to finish provided sentences.

"HONESTLY, BROTHER, YOU AND YOUR HORRIBLE PUNS! IN MY OPINION, A PUZZLE WITH ALLITERATION WOULD BE MUCH MORE FUN, AND CLASSIER."

"really, bro? all you have to do use a lot of words that start with the same letter. that's for baby bones."

"UN. BELIEVEABLE." Papyrus turned to me. "HUMAN! RESOLVE THIS DISPUTE!"

There were both looking at me expectantly. I didn't mind puns, in all honesty, but I decided to side with Papyrus for now. I gave him my best smile and said "Alliteration always alleviates what ails me."

Papyrus laughed triumphantly. "YES! HUMANS MUST BE VERY CLASSY INDEED, IF THEY ALSO ENJOY ALLITERATION! NYEH! HEH! HEH HEH!" He moved on, again leaving me and Sans alone.

"thanks for siding with my brother, even if was just to appease him."

I only shrugged. "Well, if there's one thing I've learned it's that humor isn't always… ulna-versal." Sans looked surprised, so I pressed home the charge. "Your jokes have to fall within a certain radius of what the other person finds humerus. Otherwise you'll just stirrup trouble." Sans just stared for a moment before letting out a long, hearty belly-laugh, clutching his middle. I felt immensely proud of myself.

As he regained his composure he said, "i can't believe you said all that with such a straight face! heheh heh… phew." He shook his head. "kid, that was a good one. you don't mind if i steal it from you, do ya?"

I shook my head. "You can't steal what's given to you. Go ahead and use it whenever you like." We smiled at exchanged smiles before I moved on.

I came across a "save point", as I was coming to think of them, since I kept seeing that word float before my eyes whenever I touched the yellow star. There was a mouse hole that reminded me of the one in the Ruins, and a "trap" baited with completely frozen spaghetti. The note from Papyrus let me know who was responsible. What I found most intriguing was the small metal box with a crystal inside. It resembled Mother's oven, back home, but this was small enough to fit onto a table. I had to assume that it could heat or cook food in a similar fashion, but this one wasn't functioning. I only barely noticed the sign saying "dog marriage."

*So many strange and wondrous contraptions! Now if I could just figure out what those glass eyeballs really are…

I tried to come up with a theory, but I was stumped. There hadn't been anything like them to study in the Ruins, so I had nothing to base a theory on. While I was walking along, pondering, I was attacked by another dog monster. This one was so happy at just the thought of being petted it was getting overstimulated. As the turns went by its neck kept getting longer and longer… I could have pet it forever, but once it stopped attacking me I spared it. The poor puppy needed the break.

After another puzzle a married dog couple wearing hoods and wielding axes cornered me. They seemed to rely on their noses, and I remembered the "smell danger rating" sign. I rolled on the ground as I avoided their swinging axes, covering myself in mud and snow to smell like a puppy. I let them sniff me again, and they were both close enough to pet. After giving each of them attention, I could end the fight peacefully. They thanked me for "opening their world." They thought another dog had pet them, and had never thought of petting each other.

After a simple puzzle I finally found Papyrus again. He asked me if there was any spaghetti left in his "trap." When I told him there was plenty, he seemed to think it was because I wanted to share it with him. He was immensely pleased, and said he would make me all the pasta I could ever want before running ahead. I didn't have the time or the heart to tell him the truth.

At the next puzzle Papyrus was, for once, at a bit of a loss. He said he had tried to "improve" the puzzle by arranging it to look more like his face, but the snow piles had gotten stuck and now the solution was different. He said he would think of a way to solve it, so we could both proceed, and invited me to try my hand at it.

While I walked around the perimeter of the puzzle, trying to find the best place to start it, I noticed something odd in a nearby tree. When I inspected it, it turned out to be a switch which allowed us to bypass the puzzle altogether. Papyrus was impressed, as was Sans when I saw him again, if only because it meant he didn't have to lift a finger.

The next puzzle was something of a doozy. It involved a field of colored tiles connected to a machine, invented by someone named Dr. Alphys. The machine would turn the tiles certiain colors, each with a specific effect that could interact with each other, mostly to my detriment. Pink was the only safe color. The solution would be completely random, and none of us had any idea of what would happen.

As it turned out, the "random" puzzle gave me a completely safe, completely pink road on to the next area. Poor Papyrus had been so stunned by the development he didn't say a word as he stumbled off. Sans only had something somewhat snarky to say about his brother's cooking. I sketched the machine as I wondered how it worked.

Moving on I came across a dog trying to build a snowdog with an impossibly long neck, much like the monster I had encountered earlier, but the poor thing wasn't having any success. The sculptures kept breaking, leaving a snowy mess in their wake. I also found a very muscular snow sculpture Papyrus had made of himself, and a lump with Sans' name written on it. After slipping and sliding to solve a puzzle I got lost and came across Sans again, only for him to wind up in front of me as I rounded the bend of the cliffside…

I ran back, only to find him behind me. And when I turned around again, there he was in front! He had the nerve to ask if I was following him.

I was pouting before I realized it and made myself stop. "I'm not. Are you sure you don't have a twin brother I haven't been introduced to, yet?"

"heheh, nope. only brother i've got is good ol' paps. could you imagine what'd he'd do if there were two of me?"

"Nothing good, I'm sure…" So I left him, wondering just how he kept doing that.

All I found at the end of the path was a cave with a mysterious door I couldn't open. So I had to backtrack the whole way until I came to an area with an especially small sentry station the size of a doghouse. There were snow poffs all around, and I inspected every one. I even found a little money in one of them. When I reached the last one a fluffy little dog popped its head and tail out of the snow!

It yipped. It was so adorable I couldn't help but coo at it, until it stood. It towered over me, well over twice my height. It was encased in heavy armor that could have been sized for an ogre. It held a spear nearly just as tall. All of this connected to the tiny little dog's head poking out of a hole in the armor.

It was, all at once, adorable, ridiculous, and intimidating as hell. I smiled nervously. "N-nice puppy…"

The fight started. I thought of everything I knew about dogs. The Greater Dog was somewhat far away, so I beckoned to it. It bounded toward me, flecking slobber in my face. Next I chose to pet it, and it curled up in my lap to fall asleep. It woke up and assumed a typical doggie "let's play!" posture, arms patting the ground and rear end in the air. It looked rather absurd in that armor, but I wasn't about to point that out to the dog.

I made a snowball for it to fetch, but it fell apart when it landed. Undeterred, the Greater Dog gathered up all the snow in the area to dump on my head. After an attack the dog became tired and rested its head on me. I pet it and it rested ALL of its weight on me, armor included. I pet it one last time and it wriggled out of its armor, just so it could wave all four of its legs in the air. It seemed content, and the fight was finally over…

I was rewarded not just with money, but also a friendly lick on my cheek. Then the dog hopped back into its armor, face first, and walked off with its tail wagging in the air.

I came to a very long bridge. A glass eyeball was under the supports so I stuck my tongue out at it, not really caring if it was rude. The shape and sheer number of the things made me feel like I was being watched, and it made me uncomfortable. I moved on, but before I could reach the other end Papyrus was blocking my way. I could just barely see a town behind him.

"HUMAN! THIS IS YOUR FINAL CHALLENGE! BEHOLD THE GAUNTLET OF DEADLY TERROR!" Above and below the bridge things appeared. Flaming pipes, gigantic maces, huge spears, cannons and for some reason a little white dog dangling from a rope tied around its middle all appeared from nowhere. I wondered how the weapons and the dog were being suspended from above. Papyrus continued.

"WHEN I SAY THE WORD, IT WILL FULLY ACTIVATE! CANNONS WILL FIRE, SPIKES WILL SWING, AND BLADES WILL SLICE! EACH PART WILL SWING VIOLENTLY UP AND DOWN! ONLY THE TINIEST CHANCE OF VICTORY WILL REMAIN! I HOPE YOU ARE READY, BECAUSE I! AM! ABOUT! TO DO IT!"

Silence. Papyrus looked very uncertain. Even from where I stood, I could tell that he didn't want to activate this contraption.

Sans figured the silence had gone on long enough. "well, what's the holdup?"

Papyrus jumped. "HOLDUP!? WHAT HOLDUP!? I'M… I'M ABOUT TO ACTIVATE IT NOW!" Still, he hesitated.

"that, uh, doesn't look very activated, bro."

His discomfort was obvious. "WELL! THIS CHALLENGE! IT… IT MAY BE… IT'S TOO EASY TO DEFEAT THE HUMAN WITH. YEAH!" He brightened. "WE CAN'T USE THIS! I AM A SKELETON WITH STANDARDS! MY PUZZLES ARE VERY FAIR AND MY TRAPS EXPERTLY COOKED! THIS METHOD IS TOO DIRECT, WITH NO CLASS AT ALL!" He made a shooing gesture. "AWAY IT GOES!" I could hear him sigh in relief, and I smiled at him. He saw me and said, "WHAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT!? THIS WAS ANOTHER DECISIVE VICTORY FOR PAPYRUS! NYEH! HEH! HEH…?" He seemed somewhat forlorn as he left, without his usual energy.

I finally made it to the other end of the bridge. Sans was still there, and seemed concerned for Papyrus. "i don't know what my brother's going to do now," he said. "but if i were you, i'd make sure i understand blue attacks." I thanked him for the advice and took my first steps into Snowdin Town.