MEMORIES
NICKY
Since I've told you about Hutch, I guess I should tell you a little bit more about Nicky. Nicholas Marvin Starsky, my little brother. My relationship with Nicky is a complicated one and it's hard to understand sometimes, even for me. But he is still my brother and I owe him a certain amount of loyalty. And I do love him even if he makes it hard for me to sometimes. That doesn't mean that I understand him or condone the way he's chosen to live his life.
Part of the problem with Nick is that he was only six years old when Pop died and he had just turned seven when I got sent out to California. All of a sudden, his big brother wasn't around anymore to take care of him and to fight his battles for him. In order to survive, Nick became a product of the streets. I look at Nick today and the way he's turned out and I know that, but for the grace of God, it could have been me in his place.
It's hard to admit that my brother is nothing but a two bit hustler and a petty criminal, as much as I hate to I can't lie to myself about Nicky's shortcomings.
I guess there's a part of me that feels guilty and I blame myself for the way things turned out for Nicky. Maybe if I had stayed in New York, things would have been different for him. I know that Ma tried the best she could but, like a true Starsky, Nicky was stubborn and headstrong. He was even more rebellious than I was at that age. He's the one who joined up with the local street gang and spent his teenage years in and out of Juvie. Once I moved to California, I only saw Ma and Nicky once or twice a year and by the time he was ten years old, he had turned into a stranger I didn't even know. I still don't know him, even today.
The only time I hear from Nicky today is when he's in trouble and expects me to bail him out or he needs money. That's usually about once or twice a year. Nicky always has some kind of scam going trying to make an easy buck without having to work for it and usually his schemes aren't exactly legal, which puts me a bind since I am a cop. As long as he not into something really heavy, I try to look the other way unless Nicky makes it impossible for me to do that.
Nicky and Hutch can't stand each other. Hutch is always on my case for helping Nicky out when he gets into trouble or calls me for money. Hutch can see right through Nicky and he knows that Nicky can manipulate me and Ma. And he's not above using my own guilty feelings about our relationship to do that. The truth is, Nicky is jealous as hell of Hutch and our relationship. He believes that Hutch has taken Nicky's rightful place in my life and he's right. But then I know that Nicky doesn't really care about anyone but himself, not even me or Ma. And he knows not to push things too far. If it came right down to it, he knows that I would choose Hutch over him any day. But he's still my brother and I can't change that fact.
I look at Nicky and I see so much of myself. Not just a family resemblance but we also share the same temperament, the same basic personality, the same determination and the same strong will. But while I've learned to use my personality traits constructively, Nicky uses his to con his way through life. The saddest part is that I know that Nicky will probably never change. He doesn't want to. I'm the one who got a second chance to make something out of myself, Nicky didn't.
So, Nicky may be my brother by blood, we may share the same parents, but in all the ways that count, Hutch is my real brother. My soul mate. The one person who means more to me than anyone else. He's the one I know will always be there for me no matter what happens, not Nicky. But Nicky is still blood so I can't just turn my back on him.
19