MEMORIES
TERRI
I guess I've always been lucky when it came to the ladies. They like me and I like them. I had my first girlfriend when I was thirteen. Her name was Mary Sue Thomas and she was a cute little blonde with freckles that I met just after I moved to California. She was my first serious case of puppy love and the first girl that I ever had sex with. She was more experienced than I was and she taught me a thing or two. We only went out for a couple of months and then she dumped me for another guy. Dang near broke my heart at the time. But I got over it in a hurry when I met Peggy Jean Magito and life went on so to speak.
I had been raised to respect the ladies I went out with and I've always tried to do that. I've had my fair share of one night stands and casual affairs. Ma was always on my case wanting to know when I was going to settle down but somehow things just never seemed to work out for one reason or another. Besides, I kinda liked being free and single. But as I got older, I found myself wanting more. I wanted the white picket fence and the kids and the wife waiting for me when I came home at night. And I came close, so close, to having that once.
Her name was Terri and I loved her with my entire being, my heart and my soul. She wasn't just my lover, she was like a breath of fresh air in my chaotic life. She always said I was her best friend and she was one of the few women I ever met who really understood and accepted my relationship with Hutch. Other women had been jealous of Hutch and had gotten tired of sharing me with him. A couple of ex-girlfriends had even said that it was obvious that Hutch would always mean more to me than they did. But Terri never did anything like that. She just accepted the way it was with me and Hutch. She didn't care if I spent half my time with her talking about Hutch or if he came along with us when we went out together. She liked Hutch and he liked her.
Terri was a teacher. She worked at a school for special children. And they loved her. She loved them too. She was so gentle and kind, so loving. That's what made her such a good teacher. I never believed in love at first sight until I met Terri. Until I met her, I never knew what real love was.
We'd only gone together for a few weeks when she was gunned down during a robbery at a carry out near her apartment. At least that is what it looked like at the time. But it was all a set up. Terri was a deliberate victim, shot by a man named Prudem. He was an ex-con who blamed me for the death of his son. He'd already tried to get revenge on me before by killing two cops I didn't even know, trying to force me to resign from the force. A mix up at the mental hospital where he was being treated led to him being released and he came after me again. This time it was my darling Terri who would pay the price.
She wasn't killed outright in the shooting. She ended up with a bullet in her head that the doctors couldn't remove without killing her. But leaving it there would kill her too. The only question was how soon. I didn't want to believe the doctor when she gave me the news that Terri was going to die. My heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest, leaving a hole that could never be filled. Terri had a choice. If she stayed in bed, flat on her back, she might live for a year or more. If she got up and moved around, went on living her life, she could die at any time. Regardless, the bullet in her head would eventually shift positions and kill her. Terri chose to live.
I didn't want to lose her. I tried to block it out of my mind, pretend she was going to be okay even though I knew that wasn't going to happen. I asked her to marry me. I wanted to at least have that before I lost her. I wanted to make her my wife. But she refused. She said she couldn't do that to me. She had more guts than I did. All I wanted to do was fall apart. Prudem was caught and returned to prison but that didn't chance anything. He still got his revenge. I was still going to lose my Terri because of him.
We had a little over a week together before the bullet shifted and I had to rush her back to the hospital. I was there with her when she died. The last thing she said to me was that she wasn't afraid anymore. She also promised that she would always be with me, that all I had to do was close my eyes and she would be there.
I don't remember much about those first few days after I lost her. I was in too much pain of my own. I know I stayed drunk for a couple of days. It was the only way to make the pain go away just for a little while. If it hadn't been for Hutch, I probably would have gone crazy or ate my own gun. I was so lost, so alone, and it hurt so bad. And Hutch was there with me, hurting too because he had cared about her almost as much as I did.
It felt as if the best part of me had died along with her. My dreams for the future died with her and the little house with the white picket fence and the kids no longer meant much to me.
I've never gotten over Terri and I know that I never will. A part of me changed after that. Since that day, I have never allowed myself to get too close to another woman. I've built a wall around a part of my heart that no woman will ever penetrate because it still belongs to Terri and it always will. I've resigned myself to the fact that I will probably never marry. I had my chance and it was taken away from me, destroying a part of me in the process. And to this day, it still hurts to think about her and what I lost when I lost her. But at least I still have Hutch and as long as he's by my side, I can go on living even if I have to go on living alone.
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