Disclaimer: Nope. Nuh-uh. Nada.

A/N: Since I hate slash so much, I decided to make fun of one. This one, in particular. Enjoy, or, if you will, hate me for hating slash. Oh, and I really don't mean any offense to Canada. I love it, really I do, and I wouldn't know if the polar bear thing affects humans… so… bear with me (seriously, no pun intended 0o) and let's not go there.

To Canada, With Love.

"I love you so much Harry," whispered Snape wispily as he lit a Grindylow-scented candle. After all, Grindylows were rumoured to be aphrodisiacs. What with them being little naked men with horns and all.

Harry had been, until then, lost in the dark depth of his black, mysterious, slightly greasy… hair. He blushed like a girl.

"I love you too…" he crooned. "Mmmm… is that Grindylow? I heard they were aphrodisiacs. You know…"

Then, he suddenly had a craving for seaweed flavoured ice cream.

"… I have a craving for seaweed flavoured ice cream," he informed Snape.

"A craving? A craving!" Snape squealed excitedly. "Do you know what that means?"

"We're gonna be daddies!" they shrieked, and body slammed each other in the air.

"Careful!" cried Snape. It might be bad for Snarry Jr!"

"Hmmm… I never thought of that," Harry murmured. "I should probably stop smelling permanent markers too, shouldn't I?"

"Well, you gotta pay a price..."

"You know, I should have clued in when I didn't get my period all month…" Harry mused thoughtfully.

"Honey, you never get that anyways."

"Oh. That too."

Then he beamed. "I'm just so thrilled! Imagine, Mini Snarry Jr. is right here in my uterus…"

He furrowed his brows in confusion. "You know, I don't quite remember ever having a uterus before…"

"It's probably growing in you gall bladder," Snape offered helpfully, nodding knowingly.

Harry gasped as realization dawned. "So THAT explains the burning sensation when I pee!"

"OR, that could just be a side effect of your marker sniffing."

He nodded. "Right."

The next day, Harry had another Sudden Revelation and he was flipping through his annual subscription of "Brides".

"I've got another Sudden Revelation SR for short!!" he exclaimed tearfully. "Our baby is ruined!"

"Oh no!" gasped Snape. "Have you found where I've hidden all your markers? What if Snarry comes out mutated? With you looks?"

"Hey!" Harry cried indignantly. Then he blinked, and forgot why he was upset. Luckily, he remembered why he was hysterical.

"We've alienated him Sevvie! We aren't married and we're pregnant! They're all going to call him the kid with daddies-"

"-which isn't weird at all-"

"-who had him out of WEDLOCK!"

There was a stunned silence. Then –

"Marry me, Harry!" Snaped croaked out throatily. "I've known you were the one ever since you ordered that subscription of "Brides" like a completely normal and not-scary man!"

"Oh Sevvie! Yes! Yes! 1000 times yes!" Harry wept lovingly. "I never even meant to subtly hint at you by ordering my magazine while you were looking asking you if you thought I'd make a beautiful blushing bride!"

He paused. "How legal is it exactly for us to get married anyways?"

"Well… I heard Canada is very welcoming of gay people," replied Snape. "Very supportive, you see. They even offered to adopt Tony Blair for his infatuation with George W. Bush!"

"I hear they have a beautiful autumn…" Harry murmured dreamily.

"I hear that pollution and global warming are shrinking their polar bears' genitals," Snape added. "…Wait a second…"

"…Well, as long as it only applies to polar bears…"

"It might not."

"…"

"You know, I think that if Snarry Jr. is half as bright as either of us, he won't mind being illegitimate."

"No, he won't."

"So it's settled; we're not moving to Canada."

"I'm fine with that."