Slowly she walked in to sit next to him. He didn't even acknowledge her presence. That worried her more about his condition. His father had spent days like this after returning from Vietnam but Ella had assumed it was a side effect of his injury. Now she doubted that assumption because her son wasn't physically wounded.
"Steven?" She questioned and laid her hand on his shoulder. Her son remained in his torpor.
"Steven, please." She begged him this time because her heart was breaking to see her only boy so lost to her.
His eyes slowly turned to met hers and she saw something she had never seen before. Guilt, pain, uncertainty, doubts; none of those things were there the last time he had been home. The red rings and bloodshot quality of his eyes told her he had cried earlier. The last she could remember Steven crying was as a boy when Grandpa Plissken had died eleven years ago. Through all of his accidents and fights he'd never cried. She wondered what had caused them now.
"Do you want to talk?" She asked gently as she ran her hand over his back. He shook his head no and she was ready to let it rest when he nodded yes. He was obviously not quite ready to speak. She knew that from his reaction. She smiled only to reassure him some.
"Why don't I go make us some drinks and when you're ready to talk you can come out to the kitchen and join me."
Steven nodded before looking down at his hands. Ella kissed his forehead and left him to his thoughts. He had always come to her in the past when he was upset and she knew he would now. At the same time she was aware that pushing too hard would only close him farther inside. His father shared the same reaction.
Ella left and put on some milk to make cocoa. It made her smile as she stirred the milk in the pan. For all his toughness and military prowess her boy was still a child in his love for sweets. His footsteps hit the tile, military boots had a telltale thud to them and she poured out the cocoa making sure to load her son's with the generous portion of star shaped marshmallows. Even as an adult he still loved the multicolored stars, even if it was their secret. Retrieving a spoon she set the mug down in front of her son and took the seat next to him at the kitchen table.
She saw just the vague hint of a smile when he finally looked at the cup.
"Thanks mom."
They were the first words he'd said all day. Stretching out her hand she took his and felt the strong squeeze. Ella said nothing as he spooned the marshmallows from the cocoa simply held his hand so he would know she was there for him. He finished the whole cup before speaking.
"I don't know if I want to go back." He spoke so softly that Ella had to strain to hear. His words were a shock but she kept her own emotions out of it.
"Why? I thought you enjoyed the service."
"I…" No words came but she saw the tears dripping on the table. Standing she slipped her arm around him and he instantly turned to lay his head on her stomach. He was so much like a child at that moment instead of the man she had driven to the airport three months earlier.
"Shhh. What is it Steven?" She was gentle with him and stroked his cropped hair.
"I hate the Russians!"
His arms pulled tight around her waist but the anger was more obvious in his voice.
"Isn't that how everyone feels about their enemies?"
Steven's head shook no against her and she wondered what he was thinking. It only took a moment before he started to talk.
"They sent one of their own kids. Rigged the boy with explosives and sent him to die." He broke off from a choked sob and then continued. "I tried! I tried to keep him alive but I fucked up!"
Suddenly Ella was painfully aware of his situation. She had heard similar things from his father though usually only when he cried during the night in his sleep. It took her some time to find the words to comfort him.
"You tried to save him and that is an admirable thing." It was the best she could do.
"It don't fucking matter!" He let her go and turned away. "I'm the reason he died. If I wasn't…"
Ella patiently sat once more beside her son. "Steven, do you think that boy would have been treated any differently if someone else had been sent on that mission besides you?"
She watched her boy's eyes fill with anger when he looked at her. She knew it wasn't her. She knew what the memories of war did to a man. It was only compiled by the fact it was witnessed by a man like her son, one who put so much value on family. Ella knew the pain he felt inside even if she could hardly imagine the horror he had suffered.
"The enemy does things to break its adversary. When they can't do it by valiant means they turn to such tactics. It can't be helped."
"It's bullshit!" He declared.
"It very well is." Ella acknowledged as she took his hand again. "Without brave men and women to stop those who would treat their own so harshly how will it ever stop?"
His expression changed. To Ella's relief she felt as though she had broke through whatever self hatred he had been harboring.
"I also know you do not hate all the Russians." Ella added it with a smile remembering the young woman who had come with them on the last visit. Her son was very fond of the attractive girl even if he denied it.
Steven's head dipped and a broad smile came through with a pink tinge to his cheeks. His hand tightened on hers.
"I can't forget it." Steven commented with a fading smile.
"Sometimes we can't. Sometimes it's good to remember so we know what it is we are truly fighting for."
Her son nodded and she could see the weight lifting off of him. It was a relief though she knew this would mean nights of bad dreams while he was home. At least now Ella was prepared.
"Can I get some more cocoa?" He asked it with a spark of enthusiasm.
Ella smiled and took his mug. "Of course."
She turned away and let down her façade to reveal for a moment the pain she felt for her boy. He should never have to experience that sort of pain but he was fighting for what was right, like his father he admired so much. It was his decision. The melancholy slipped away when she saw the car pull up outside. Robert was home and as she watched her husband stride to her house she realized what a strong man this would make her boy.