Unsure, Insecure

Disclaimer: I had wanted to own everything but I decided to share eventually. Characters belong to JKR and the plot is mine. She gets the money, I get hot smex .

Warning: Nothing changed. Still Yaoi.

Remus' fingers touched the grey stone of an empty grave. He would have liked it to be marble, but he was too poor to afford it when he paid for the tombstone and even if he could have asked Harry for money, somehow it didn't feel right. Harry mourned his godfather for long enough and didn't need a piece of stone with Sirius' name on it to cry. And then there was that strange feeling of possessiveness – Remus knew it was morbid to think that way of an empty grave of his lover and friend, but still, he couldn't accept the mere thought of anyone else coming here, touching the stone and talking to unresponsive silver letters carved to it.

There was nothing attached to this place – no ceremony was held as it would be for someone lost in the sea or generally any other person considered dead. No one else knew about this place – even if they did, Remus doubted they would come. Maybe Harry – but the boy's life was now hard enough as it was and he didn't need this place to add to it.

It was somehow weird – Remus knew there was nothing here but that stone, and still, he had a strange feeling that Sirius was here with him. Somehow, it felt right to come here and talk to the tombstone – even if people can remember their beloved ones anywhere, Remus needed a concrete place to come to.

To talk to him.

It felt as if it was some kind of shrine – as when you know God is everywhere, but when you're in a church, you can actually feel his presence, talk to him. Remus never talked to God, because God never talked to Remus, but still, he somehow knew how it felt. That artificial silence you try to maintain, forcing yourself not to even breathe, only to catch every single piece of what could be an answer from him. A low rustle of oak leaves above your head, telling you he just smiled, just now, next to you, holding your hand – yes, that's the cold feeling in your fingers.

"I'm lost again, Padfoot…"

Remus sometimes felt this place was driving him mad. As if the whole cemetery wanted him dead, lying in his own unvisited and unattended grave. This feeling of sudden maliciousness was the only thing that drove him away every single time, something that reminded him of hours and hours he stood there, caressing the cold stone wet from the rain and mumbled something to the silence enclosing him. Maybe it is Sirius' will, Remus smiled slightly as he turned and glanced back to the abandoned tombstone one more time. Maybe he's telling me to get my ass up and start living for real… yeah, it definitely felt like something Sirius would say. Remus could almost hear the playful tone in his voice, whispering to his ear from the wind blowing around.

It's harder than it seems, Padfoot, Remus thought, following the lonely path down the cemetery full of late autumn leaves and first snow. He didn't even know why he came today – when he woke up on the floor of his flat, next to the door and his head hurting from too many tears, he felt this sudden urge to visit Sirius. To seek his advice. Maybe that thing with William affected me a bit too much, the werewolf wondered and shrugged, suddenly feeling a freezing bite of November's coldness.

When he opened the door to his flat, he didn't have to see the boots on the floor to know that he was home. It was hard to believe and it struck Remus' mind that Bill only came to pack his belongings. It was something he didn't want to see, so he decided not to announce his presence - unfortunately for him, the other man was a werewolf too. Not a full one, but still good enough to know when he was not alone anymore.

"Rem?" came muffled question and to Remus, it seemed somehow sleepy. He couldn't help it - abandoning his soon-to-be cup of a coffee, he came to his own bedroom to find one young wolf sprawled on his bed, yawning and rubbing sleep out of eyes that seemed far too red to be only sleeping.

"You could at least strip," Remus sighed, seeing Bill's muddy jeans and wet jacket staining the clean sheets.

"You want me to?" came the answer that should have been playful but was far too pained to be anything but weird.

"What happened?" the older werewolf asked, even if that was the last thing he wanted to know. Bill was here, in his bed, an it didn't look to Remus as if he was going somewhere in the near future, but still - the results of the visit of Burrow weren't apparently too good, and what Remus wanted the most was Bill's smile.

The redhead smiled, but far too sadly to Remus' liking.

"Come here," he said at last and pulled Remus down to the bed. The older man wanted to protest, but when strong arms embraced him and his back was pressed against muscular chest, he stopped himself. Yes, this was definitely what he wanted - but without the tension in the air.

"Bill... what happened in the Burrow?" Remus asked once more and one heavy sigh came as his answer. Dry, warm lips were pressed against his neck in a light kiss and whispered against his scarred skin:

"She wants me back."

Remus felt his throat tighten and his inner organs disappear at those words.

"And... you?" it was all he wanted to ask in those two words. Do you want her back? Do you still love her? Have you ever loved me? What are you going to do now?

Bill just shrugged - Remus felt his shoulders moving against his own - and tightened his embrace, burying his face in Remus' hair, in the familiar and calming scent.

"I'm not sure. I'm a werewolf, after all."

His tone was bitter and Remus frowned at those words. It wasn't what he wanted to hear - he knew how Bill once loved Fleur, he saw how utterly devastated he had been when Fleur left, and though he hoped, he was always convinced that Bill's love for Fleur would never be completely gone. But the tone in which he said it...

"Were you with me only because we're the same? Beasts? That's what you mean?" his voice sounded dull even to him and he felt disappointment rising in him. Yes, he always knew that it was safe for Bill to be with him, but still, it didn't hurt any less.

"No... I mean... she said she would forgive me if I came back..." Bill murmured into grey hair and Remus froze, his disappointment turning into anger.

"Forgive you?! Forgive you for being yourself? Bill, that's..." he stopped when he heard the slightest, muffled sob followed by trembling of that supposedly strong body against his own. When Bill spoke, his voice was strained and sounded lost.

"I know... that's not what I thought it would be."

"Do you still love her?"

"I... honestly, I don't know. I did think I still loved her when she appeared in front of me yesterday... but now... I'm just not sure."

Remus wanted to ask And do you love me?, but didn't, as he was afraid of the answer... which came anyway.

"And you mean very much for me, Rem. I'm not with you because you're werewolf... but I don't know what love means anymore."

The laid like that, hugging and breathing and just living together, for what seemed like minute and could be hours, and Remus though about it all. It was suddenly so complicated - he had always been a romantic fool, even though the hope he had for himself was almost none. And so, when the chance came for him, when a man whom Remus could love appeared, Remus took that chance, though hesitantly, and gradually fell in love with that man. With another werewolf, who sought acceptance and found it with Remus, but wanted it from someone else.

If Remus' tears hadn't dried long ago, he would have cried for sure. He was even a bit thankful for a doorbell that rang and tore him away from that embrace, sweet and painful at once, because those arms weren't completely his.

So he opened the door, still loking a bit ruffled from the bed and there she stood, graceful, beautiful and flawless with her silvery hair and piercing eyes.

"I came to take Bill back," she said and Remus' mind suddenly went blank.