Is it my fault? What did I do wrong? How did I do something wrong? How would I know if I even did something wrong? It wasn't shown clearly, hasn't been stated. I never knew that Shinji was with Asuka. Now I have experienced a new feeling. Guilt. I had no idea at first, I just realised how embarrassed and ashamed I felt, how bad, how I hated the feeling! These past days I have experienced many more feelings than I would like to encounter.

It all started when I made the mistake of asking Shinji. I wouldn't say it's his fault. He felt sorry for me. He told me. To see me like that, alone, to think that life has nothing to offer…it pained him. It did actually pain me. But I hid it. I never showed anybody how I truly ever felt. Only when I was in the privacy of my own apartment did I cry myself to sleep. Would I stay this way all my life? A person who received nothing? Would I remain this way and never understand what human interaction truly was?

Anyway, Shinji and I were sitting on the park bench. The trees danced with the wind in the sweltering heat. I awaited a response from him. I had asked him "What is affection, love and care?" I knew its definition but I have never understood the experience. I wanted to know, to finally become more humane. To become less naïve. But as I spoke those words, I felt my heart wrench, this anguish that I couldn't comprehend. Why did I feel this way when I spoke these few words?

I saw him thinking long and hard. He stared away for a second, while I noticed his features. His short brown hair flowing in the wind just like the trees, his slim build yet such strength he possessed in his frame. He rejects his strength, shows he doesn't want to be an Eva pilot yet in the end, he is one. That's all I'll ever be. Nothing more than a pilot, a doll that has nothing else to live for. Just left over waste when the Angels stop coming.

"Affection, how could I describe it…it has different levels. Its obvious meaning is love and goodwill for another person. I can't really describe it…" he petered out.

"Can't or won't?" I said. I must've seemed like I was pushing him. But I had no idea at the time.

"Well, it can be shown through words or actions. Such as saying something like 'I love you,' or actions such as a kiss…"

"So, if I was to show you my affection, I would do…this…" I said. I got a hold of his shirt and pulled him towards me as we shared our first kiss together.

It felt like forever, as though my world had frozen, there was no-one but the two of us. We finally parted, and sat there blushing, unsure of what to do next. It was still a completely new experience for me.

That was the part where I screwed up. I don't appreciate this feeling of guilt so I'd rather share the burden with Shinji. Because I didn't initiate the next moment. He cupped my jaw and his hands felt surprisingly firm and he pulled me in for another kiss. He locked his lips onto mine and then somehow managed to pull the two of us onto the soft grass.

I noticed that he ended up on top, I didn't like being the dominant one so I was happy. It reminded me of the moment when I first met Shinji in my apartment. Only I was clothed this time and his hands were NOT where they shouldn't have been. He was still the extremely timid type back then, but much more bold this time. I was also an introvert type but I had no desire to seek friends. Desire? I would've relished the fact that somebody would've wanted to become my friend. I just couldn't do it myself, I just didn't know how.

It felt like an hour again, as I stared into the calm of his eyes. We were both breathing heavily. I did something that I didn't expect again, and I pulled him down for another kiss. This time our kissing became more passionate than gentle with our tongues finally becoming involved. I entwined my tongue around his, savouring the taste. My wide open mouth had locked onto his and we kissed away without another though.

His kisses stopped focusing so much on my mouth, becoming more adventurous and he kissed his way down to the side of my neck where he started kissing and sucking on a part of my skin. He was producing a narcotic effect, as my movements gradually began to become more lethargic with his treatment.

"Shinji…" I moaned. Eventually he stopped and I frowned in disappointment. I had no idea of the mark he left on my skin. I stared up at him, my eyelids were drooping and I felt a blush on my cheeks. Some may have called it an indicator of lust however, either Shinji had no idea or he had extra control over himself as he didn't even show a reaction to it.

He kissed me lightly on the nose. "Happy now?" Shinji asked.

I gave a contented sigh but then suddenly I felt as though I wanted more again. I couldn't bring myself to kiss him again and we got up and sat on the bench again. I leaned my head on his shoulder, thinking.

The only positive attention I ever remember accepting was from Gendou. An Ikari just like Shinji but different altogether. It's a no wonder why I am so defensive about him, why I slapped Shinji when he doubted his own fathers work. All because he was the only one who showed any sort of affection should I have understood it. All I knew was that I craved for more of it, wanted to be the only one who ever received it. I finally learnt about jealousy.

We began to get restless again and before I knew it, I started again, I straddled myself on his lap, my legs hanging out through the back of the bench and bent down to kiss him again. How I could do this I didn't know. I blame it on instinct. One I don't have either.

The next thing I knew was hat it was dark. To think during all that time we spent solely on making out! I was shocked, something that didn't happen too often. "Uhhh, Rei? I think we should go now, Asuka'll have a fit if she knows what we've been up to."

"Mmmm…" I murmured in agreement and got up. I didn't want to leave but he was so blunt about it, it hurt. I walked away into the darkness, feeling as though I left a piece of myself behind. I had no idea that being with him and experiencing something as trivial as that could've made me so happy. I felt that I wanted to be with him more, but what he said made me angry.

As I walked home, I was surprised to find an angry Asuka storm out of my flat. She noticed me and instantly came tearing up to see me. "Where's that stupid Shinji! He should've been home already! Where were you two?"

"We were at the park." I stated calmly. It was the truth. Kinda. I just didn't tell her the whole truth. I almost could've gotten away with it too, until she saw the mark on my neck.

"Woah woah, you were at the park with only Shinji?" she said. I was surprised by the way her mood suddenly changed. Now it was more fearful.

"Yes."

Her whole world shattered in front of me and I had no idea about it. She paled and then ran home, shouting curses in German and English, languages that I have no proficiency at.

I entered my flat, and looked at my familiar surroundings. What would it be like, if Shinji were to be here? No, I didn't want that. I was content with life the way it was. I didn't need him to lighten up my life. It was fine. Try as I might, I my conscience couldn't battle through my heart as I realised what I truly wanted.

I went to the bathroom and looked into the mirror to see what Shinji saw in me. 'Red eyes, blue hair, pale white skin…' what was it that made me so attractive? I didn't want to think about it so I quickly brushed off the thought. Then I noticed a slightly darkened part of my skin. Normally, nobody would've noticed it but on my pale skin, it was instantly recognisable. I tried to cover it up as it dawned onto me. 'Was it a hickey?' I blushed and left the room, avoiding reflective surfaces for the rest of the night.

As I lay on my bed, for the first time in a long time did I not cry.

a/n: hey, this here is a kind of side story…not really, now there's a PLOT! Hooray! Anyway, it is not meant to be a funny one, ore just showing the sad reality of Rei's life in my POV. So yeah, don't sue me! Disclaimer? Oh, right…

Disclaimer: F YOU!