The following Tuesday, Remus woke with a strange feeling in his gut. For almost as long as he could remember, he had woken the morning of the full moon feeling full of dread. Since coming to Hogwarts, that dread of the night itself had been compounded with an outright terror of being discovered. The absence of that fear was so noticeable Tuesday morning, that the dread really didn't seem all that bad. In fact, without having to worry about making up a story, he felt downright cheerful that day. It wasn't until dinner approached that the usual nervousness started.
"So what happens now?" Sirius asked as they sat down at the table.
"Well," Remus said, "now we take food off of the plates in the center, and we put them on our own plates. Then we eat it." The words popped out of him without him thinking about it, and his eyes widened at his own daring. Though James and Sirius tormented each other constantly, Remus had never really been bold enough to insult one of them before.
Sirius stared at him while James and Peter laughed. "You're supposed to be the nice one!" he said indignantly. "We're supposed to be the smart-asses!"
"We're rubbing off on him," James said proudly, "but seriously, Remus. What happens now?"
"Not here," Remus whispered, looking up and down the crowded table. "Not when everyone is around!"
"Everyone is busy," Sirius said dismissively. "They won't hear."
Remus glared at them, but all three of them were looking at him expectantly. He sighed, resigned. "I'll go to the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey will walk with me out to-" he paused, looking around. No one else was paying attention. "Out to the tree," he finished. "Then she'll come back for me in the morning." He shrugged. "That's it, really."
"How do you get in the tree?"
"Not in it," Remus said. "Under it, really. There's a knot on the trunk, and you levitate a branch and hit it and it kind of makes the tree fall asleep so you can get-" he stopped. He hadn't noticed the expression on James's face as he asked the question. His eyes had that evil glint in them. "James," he said, panicked. "Don't even think about it!"
"I wasn't," James said with unconvincing innocence.
"But what happens once you get into the shack?" Peter asked.
"I am not talking about that here!" Remus hissed. "Talk about something else now."
They looked disappointed, but realized that they weren't going to get any more out of him. He ate the rest of his dinner in stony silence. For the first time, he didn't have to try to sneak off after dinner. His friends walked with him partway to the hospital wing.
"So what does happen once you get into the shack?" James asked quietly as they walked. He sounded more curious and less excited than Peter had.
"What do you think happens?" Remus asked. He really didn't want to talk to them about this. To them, the term "werewolf" was really just a word. He suspected that this was why they were fine with him. He knew that none of them knew anything about the reality of the condition, and he kind of wanted it to stay that way. He didn't want them to think about him actually transforming into a wolf, into a monster.
On the other hand, their lack of understanding might get them killed, Remus realized, remembering James's question at dinner. He stopped in the middle of the hallway and turned to face them.
"Promise me that you won't try to get into the Shrieking Shack," he said. He was speaking to all three of them, but he was looking at James.
"We wouldn't dream of it," Sirius said, and Remus could tell by his tone that he was already formulating a plan.
"I'm serious-" Remus said.
"No, I am."
"Shut up! I mean it! If you come in there, I could kill you. All right? Actually kill you. Or worse."
"Worse? What's worse than killing us?" Peter said. Remus stared at him pointedly.
"It's really worse than being killed?" James asked softly. Remus hesitated. He didn't really think it was worse than being killed. He was quite glad to be alive. But he didn't know how to explain to his friends how terrible it was without being melodramatic.
"Just promise me you won't come in," he pleaded, and they nodded.
"All right," said James, and Remus saw that he meant it.
"I've got to hurry," he said, glancing out of the window at the twilight. "I'll see you tomorrow."
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Once again, Remus awoke to the sounds of his friends coming into the room, Peter holding a stack of sandwiches, and Sirius holding a roll of parchment with the day's notes.
"Any battle wounds?" Sirius asked conversationally as he set down the parchment next to Remus's bag.
"Nothing terrible," Remus yawned, reaching for the sandwiches.
"Except for that one?" James gestured to a cut on his arm.
Remus shrugged. "There are always some," he said.
Sirius glanced out the window. The day before had been cold and dreary, and a wet snow had started falling at some point during the night. Now the grounds were coated in slush. "It was freezing last night," he said. "Did you get cold?"
"I was fine once I..." he trailed off. Changed? Transformed? He didn't know what word to use.
"What about when you're... you know," Peter said. "Just you?" Remus shrugged.
"Do you sleep?" Sirius asked.
"Rarely," Remus said as he took a bite of his sandwich.
"What do you do then? Just wander around the Shrieking Shack?"
Remus thought about the Shrieking Shack, with its trashed furniture and blood on the floor and walls, and he thought about the cuts and scars on his arms. Instead of answering, he took an extra large bite of sandwich and shrugged. James was frowning.
"Do you get lonely?" he asked.
"I... don't know," Remus said, thinking. "Not really. I mean, I have to be alone, don't I? I-" he stopped himself. Nothing in the world could have prompted him to tell them that when he was a wolf, he craved human flesh, and that if he smelled a human it drove him mad. "I can't be around people," he finished lamely. "I'm dangerous."
"Only to people?" James asked. "I mean, couldn't you be around other animals? Then you wouldn't totally alone."
"I suppose," Remus said, "if they were big animals. I assume I would eat... I mean, if it was a smaller animal..." he cleared his throat. "I've never really thought about it before. I do all right, though. It's only for one night."
"You still think we're going to freak out at some point, don't you?" Sirius asked. "That if you mention anything wolf-life, like eating animals or people, we'll panic." Remus looked at Sirius in surprise. "You really ought to start trusting us, Moony," he said. "Have we ever given you any reason to think we're going to bail on you?"
Remus smiled. "No," he admitted. "It's just weird. I can't figure out why you aren't scared."
"Well, we're either brave, ignorant, or stupid," James said. "Or, we know you, and we know who you are, and we know what you are, and that you can't help being what you are." He shrugged. "Besides, what do we have to be scared of? You're locked up during the full moon, and as far as I can tell, that's far worse for you than it is for anyone else. And the rest of the time, you're not exactly dangerous. I'm pretty sure that when you're not a wolf, I could sit on you while Sirius beat you up."
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"I have a plan," James said one Saturday morning as they left breakfast.
"Is this the kind of plan that lands us in detention?" Remus asked warily.
"I think so," James said cheerfully. "See that line over there?" They looked over at a crowd of older students lining up to exit the Great Hall. "Know where they're going?"
"Hogsmeade," Peter said, confused. "So?"
"So, you can't go to Hogsmeade unless you're a third year or up, right?"
"Right," Remus said slowly. He was pretty sure that James was getting ready to suggest that they all get under the Invisibility Cloak and sneak into Hogsmeade. He was about to point out that if they got caught, they would be lucky if all they got was a detention, but James cut him off before he could get any words out.
"Unless," James was grinning now, "you know a secret passage."
They stared at him for a moment, then Peter and Sirius's eyes widened. "Oh!" they exclaimed, grinning. Remus continued to stare at them in confusion.
"Uh... do we know a secret passage?" he asked stupidly.
"C'mon, Moony, think!" Sirius said.
"Don't call me Moony," he whispered frantically. The nickname had stuck, and when they were alone, Remus didn't bother fighting them about it, but he was constantly asking them not to call him that when other people were around.
"Who sneaks through a secret passageway into Hogsmeade once a month?" Peter asked, smirking, and it clicked.
"What? The Whomping Willow?" he asked, alarmed.
"Of course!" James cried. "We can levitate things, we can get in!"
"But we can't get out," Remus said. "Not on the other side, I mean. We won't be able to actually get into Hogsmeade. The whole point of the Shrieking Shack is that it's completely safe – no one can get in or out."
Sirius shrugged. "We'll still get to see the inside of the Shrieking Shack," he said. "At least it's something new."
Remus thought of the blood and mangled furniture. "No, it's really not that interesting," he said, but his friends were already walking away.
"In here," James said, leading them into an empty classroom. "All right, everyone under the cloak. We can't be seen going in."
"It's just an empty building," Remus insisted as they set out.
"Quiet, Moony, or someone will hear you," Sirius said. "Besides, it's not like we have anything else to do."
Remus kept up a constant stream of things that they could be doing the entire way across the grounds, naming everything from homework assignments to games to cleaning their dormitory.
"Clean our dormitory?" James repeated incredulously, turning around to look at him in amazement, and Remus knew he was beat. He hoped, for a moment, that they wouldn't be able to get in, but James managed to levitate a stick over to the knot easily, and then they were darting through the unmoving branches to the base of the trunk. James pulled the cloak off of them, folding it up and stuffing it under his robes. "Lead the way, Moony!" he said adventurously.
Remus was not feeling at all adventurous, but as far as he could tell, he had no choice. He led them down the tunnel, and up into the Shrieking Shack.
He felt rather how he had felt the first time he had met Professor Dumbledore. He had been sitting in his room, oblivious to the plans his parents had been attempting to make regarding his magical education. There had been a knock at his door, and the old wizard in the bright blue robes had introduced himself and asked if he could come in. Dirty clothes and books and trash had littered the floor of his room, and he had felt terribly embarrassed. As Dumbledore talked to him about Hogwarts, and about the ways in which they could accommodate him, Remus had wished that his parents had given him a few minutes notice so he could tidy up his room.
What he wouldn't give now for a few minutes to clean up before his friends saw this place. It looked, if anything, even worse than he had envisioned as they tramped across the grounds. There were tufts of fur caught in the jagged edges of the wooden furniture, and even in the walls and floors, and everything had claw and tooth marks in it. The worst part, though, was the blood. There were bloodstains on the floors and on the walls, and even in the very faint light, it would be hard not to notice them.
As his friends climbed into the room behind him, he faced the room instead of facing them. He heard someone gasp, and he heard James swear. The three of them stepped out from behind him, and began walking around the room. They explored the house silently. He heard someone walk up the stairs, and heard someone in the next room. James stayed in the room with him, walking slowly, taking in all the damage. His face was unreadable. Peter came back in, looking very uncomfortable. He wouldn't look at Remus, and he kept looking in vain to James for cues.
"I went through this whole place," Sirius broke the silence from the doorway. "Not a single window."
"Well, no," Remus said. "Of course not. I mean, there isn't any way in or out, that's the whole point. And people are supposed to think I'm a ghost, remember? We can't let them see me."
"I guess," Sirius said, but he still sounded annoyed. "Just seems like kind of a depressing place without windows. So dark."
"Yeah," Remus said, and he couldn't keep back a snicker as he said, "Shame that the moonlight can't come in."
They all laughed, and the tension was broken.
"I don't suppose there's any chance that all of this blood is from you snacking on rats?" James asked sadly as he looked at one of the walls.
"No."
"We've seen what you look like when you come back. All that blood had to go somewhere, I guess," Peter said. He looked helpless and resigned as he looked around the room.
"Hey, quiet!" Sirius said, rushing over to one of the walls. "I think I hear someone out there!" Sure enough, voices were approaching the shack.
"Here," James whispered, grabbing a severely deformed table and pushing it up against the wall. "I think if we stand on it, we might be able to see through that crack up there."
Sirius, being the tallest of them, climbed onto the table. The other three stood behind him, ready to try to catch him if the table collapsed.
"Slytherins!" Sirius growled, but the word was hardly out of his mouth before a wide grin spread across his face.
"What?" Remus asked, but Sirius turned the grin on James, who began to grin back. Then, startling Remus backwards into a chair, James let out a loud shriek.
"What are you doing?" Remus asked frantically. "They'll hear you!"
Sirius echoed James's shriek, and jumped down from the table with the loudest thump he could manage. Outside, Remus heard students shouting, panic in their voices. Catching on, Peter let out a loud, ghostly howl. Despite himself, Remus started laughing. James tried to scream again, but dissolved into laughter instead, falling down on the floor, and Remus screamed the shrillest, highest scream he could manage before collapsing next to James, tears in his eyes.
Sirius jumped back onto the table and looked out the crack. "Oh, look at them run," he exclaimed gleefully. Remus climbed up onto the table next to him, and by standing on his very tiptoes, he was able to see five figures fleeing down the hill.
Still cackling, the four friends headed back to the castle for lunch. As they climbed down into the tunnel, none of them noticed the bloodstains on the floor and walls.
Author's Note: I'm trying to get this finished ASAP, seeing as how I'm going to be forced to rejoin the grown-up world later this week. Hopefully I'll have it done within the next couple of days.