Warning
This fic will feature canon characters acting out of character and imply sexually suggestive overtures between minors. (We all know who gets paired with who, now, don't we?)
Now, on with the play! Oh, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Part Two
Flight of the Princess
"The Queen, set in her dastardly path, called for the greatest Hunter in the Kingdom."
Triela, comfy seated on Pinocchio's lap, further leaned back on her supposed husband, intentionally rubbing her bare back (her dress was backless) against Pino's front. Pino shuddered.
She snapped her fingers. "Hunter!"
Giuseppe entered. He wore a bright neon orange hunting jacket over drab olive-and-brown clothing. His kukri rode in a side scabbard. A brace of knives hung on various sheathes on his body. He strode towards the thrones with a calm confidence.
"Isn't that a modern hunting jacket?" Mireille asked Rolito.
"(Yes. In the off chance that the American Vice President might be watching…)"
"What?"
"(Did I neglect to tell you that the Daily Show With Jon Stewart is one of my viewing staples?)"
"…You're a strange man."
"(Yes. I guess I am.)"
"Hunter! You are the most loyal subject of the royal throne. Are you not?"
"Yes, Your Majesty, I am." Aside, Giuseppe thought, she's really getting into the spirit of this play…
He fell on one knee and proffered his kukri to Triela in the manner of a knight. "Here is my sword, Your Majesty. Please take it as a token of my loyalty. Be careful, though," he warned as she took his weapon. "It's very sharp and heavier on the right side by five grams…"
Triela swung the kukri several times. Impressed, she smiled quite foxily
"You have an impressive resume, Hunter. You've never failed a mission. You have slain many enemies of the Crown." Her sleek fingers rose one by one. "The man-eating troll that lives beneath the bridge, the Big Bad Wolf that went after Little Red Riding Hood, BB Wolf's twin brother who went after the Three Little Pigs, the Ice Queen, the Giant of the Beanstalk, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, tax evaders…
"In addition, you have never disobeyed an order. You are perfect for the vital mission I wish to assign you."
"What is it, Your Majesty?" Giuseppe asked.
"I want you to take the Princess deep into the forests far from here."
"Princess Claes?"
"Yes."
"Is it a picnic?"
"Oh, no, not at all, my dear Hunter." Triela's smile broadened. "You see, once you bring Claes there, I want you to kill her."
"What?"
"Oh, and after you're done with it, do cut her heart out and bring it back to me."
"What for?"
Without warning, Triela thrust the kukri into Giuseppe's face– and accidentally nicked the tip of his nose. A crimson droplet seeped out of the tiny wound.
"Ow," the boy mumbled beneath his breath.
In his Venom, Rolito winced. Sorry for that, Giuseppe…
Backstage, Henrietta and Elena angrily looked for their respective weapons.
"Sorry," Triela sincerely, if quietly, apologized through her affected grin before returning fully into her character. "Are you second guessing me, Hunter?"
"Ah, no, Your Majesty…"
"Good!" She returned his kukri handle first. "Then fulfill the mission I have given you with haste and expertise. Oh, and put antiseptic on your wound before you bandage it. It might get infected."
"Yes, Your Majesty. Thank you, Your Majesty…"
"After having his injury tended to, the Hunter reluctantly sought out Princess Claes…"
"Princess Claes?"
"Yes, Hunter?"
Giuseppe struggled with words. An admittedly shy boy, he was never really good at talking with girls. The only two girls he'd talked to were his sister and Henrietta– and 'Etta put half a dozen bullets in his torso then beat him up and kicked him in the groin when they first met. Plus his nose wound stung.
That and Claes was quite a looker in her gown of vestal white.
Simply put, all the stress piled up on him made Giuseppe forget his lines. He and Claes just looked at each other for the longest time.
"Ask me to go to the forest with you," Claes helpfully whispered, her lips barely moving. Giuseppe took her advice literally and declared aloud:
"Would you like to go out with me?"
The audience blinked.
Claes stared.
Giuseppe blushed.
Henrietta and Elena gaped.
Luke growled.
Rolito buried his face in his palm. "Can't you think of a better way to say that?"
"Ah…" Claes gathered herself. "All right, Hunter. I'll go out with you."
Lights out led to an invisible ruckus as the stage crew rushed to change the props.
Backstage…
"Giuseppe…"
"Big brother!"
"That wasn't what I meant, 'Etta, Elena… and Luke, please stop giving me such a scary look… Claes, could you tell him off…"
"The Hunter and Princess Claes went on their date– err, I mean, to the dark forest far away…"
"Rolito…"
"That wasn't in my script. That was Marco slipping. Honest!"
Claes, Giuseppe only a few steps behind, primly knelt before a pure white flower planted in a pot. "What a beautiful flower…"
Triela's voice hissed out of the hidden stage speakers. "I want you to kill her. Oh, and after you're done with it, do cut her heart out and bring it back to me."
Giuseppe reached for his kukri. The blade easily hissed out of its sheath to hover over Claes's head like the sword of Damocles.
Surprised, Claes looked over her shoulder. "Hunter?"
The kukri wavered before falling to his side. Giuseppe bowed. "Forgive me, Princess. I was ordered by your stepmother the Queen to bring you to this place– and to kill you."
"What? My stepmother sent you to kill me? Why?"
"She wishes to eat your heart. She says it will make her better."
"Forgive me if I doubt the medicinal value of eating the human heart."
Giuseppe had to smile at that improvised joke. "I happen to feel the same way, too."
"So," Claes asked, very simply, "Will you kill me?"
"I will not." He looked away. "You are the kindest person I have ever known. I could never forgive myself if I harmed a single hair on your head."
Giuseppe turned a stricken face to Claes. "Princess. You must flee this Kingdom that is your home. Otherwise, the Queen will not stop until you are dead."
"I cannot!"
"You must. You have no choice. The Queen has your father wrapped around her little finger. No one can stand against her. You must flee."
"But even if I flee, as long as the Queen knows I am alive, she will not stop trying to kill me."
"I will kill a deer and give its heart to the Queen. I will say that it is your heart. She will think you are dead and leave you alone."
"Hunter…"
Giuseppe fell on one knee before Claes. "Princess. One day you may be able to return to your home and make things better again. Until then, live. Now: go."
Claes nodded briefly. "Thank you, Hunter."
Both she and Giuseppe turned into opposite directions and walked out at the same time, their steps perfectly synchronized.
"Dramatic," Mireille allowed.
"Thank you," the pleased Rolito said.
"The Hunter slew a deer and took its heart to the Queen, saying it was Princess Claes' heart."
"Hunter… this doesn't look like a heart…"
"It's called a hamburger patty, Your Highness. It's a recent culinary innovation."
"That sounds good. Very well: bon appetite!"
Giuseppe sighed as Triela happily dug into the meal. Even though I know she's just acting, she's still scary…
"Note to self," Rolito told his reflection in one of the Venom's many LCD screens. "Up the props department's budget the next time around…"
"Meanwhile, Princess Claes wandered through the dark forest."
Claes walked through the maze of cardboard cut-out trees and shrubbery. "Hmm? What's this?"
"She came upon a homely house in the middle of nowhere."
"A house? In the middle of nowhere?"
Lights out. The stage crew rushed to change the props again. Amadeo was heard to mutter, "This is getting tiresome…"
A thud was followed by "Watch it, Lukas!"
"You watch it!"
"Ow! Off my foot, you bloody bastard!"
"Pity I did not invest in a revolving stage," Rolito mused.
"Curious, Princess Claes went inside to take a look."
Claes stared.
The stage crew had hurried, and tripped on each other at it. It showed. While the furniture-decorated stage wasn't exactly unruly, it wasn't aesthetically pleasant or practically arranged.
Shaking her head, Claes pulled up the sleeves of her dress, tied up the hem of her skirt to keep it out of the way, took a deep breath and got down to work.
"A princess doing manual labor?"
"(Have you ever heard of the term 'enlightened despot'?)"
"That is a lame excuse, Rolito."
"(I agree, Mireille.)"
Triela snickered. "Who do you think tidies up our room? Not moi…"
"Ah… once she was done with tidying up, Princess Claes felt tired so she put together the seven beds and lay herself across them to sleep."
She looked so different when asleep. Gentler, her face rendered more delicate by the absence of her glasses and her unnerving, penetrating consciousness, she slept like a babe, without a sound and barely stirring.
Rolito thought of vestal virgins, celibate women tenders of the sacred fire in the temple of Vesta, Roman goddess of home and hearth, one of the three virgin goddesses in the pantheon. He grimaced.
"Okay, that was a very wrong comparison…"
Luke felt weird, wrong ideas enter his head. Again he felt the looming, annoying presences of his fellow "gunslinger boys". He also grimaced.
"Luuuuuuke… there is your girlfriend…"
"Opportunity: it only knocks once…"
"You guys… and– Giuseppe? We have to talk…"
"I wasn't saying anything!"
"Hey, Meir, why were we teasing him in the first place?"
"Shortly after Princess Claes fell asleep, the owners of the house returned."
Henrietta led the motley bunch, to be followed by Rico, Angelica, Petrushka, Beatrice, Carol and Terra. The last girl was grumbling beneath her breath.
They all wore cute elf costumes even though they were supposed to be dwarves (or dwarfs if one preferred the pre-Tolkien style of spelling.) Instead of the archaic shovels and pickaxes of their spiritual predecessors, though, they carried modern equipment: hardhats, powered drills and jackhammers in an orange color that clashed with their cute clothes.
"They were seven cute Sprites. Oh, and they were cyborgs, too."
"Your humor needs work."
"(Strange. It worked for The Adventures of Asahina Mikuru.)" 1
"What?"
Mireille listened for about a minute or so to the condensed version of a story about a combat waitress from the future fighting an evil alien magician for the heart of an esper boy before saying in her driest tone, "You've been watching too many cartoons, haven't you, Rolito?"
"(It's anime. There's a vast difference.)"
"Right…"
"The Sprites quickly noticed that there was something wrong with their house."
"Someone was in our house!" Henrietta exclaimed.
"And that person fixed it, too," Rico helpfully added.
"Did any one of you hire a maid while my back was turned?" Terra scowled. "Household help is expensive, you know!"
"Even more so with good household help," Petrushka agreed.
"The Sprites found Princess Claes sleeping upon their beds."
"Here." Beatrice pointed at the sleeping Claes.
"She's pretty," Angelica and Carol murmured together.
"I say, off with her head," Terra stated.
"Strike!" Petrushka happily declared in support.
"Wait!" Henrietta put herself between Claes and her more hostile fellow Sprites. "She cleaned up our house for us. We owe her for that, at least!"
"Henrietta is right," Rico said. Angelica and Carol agreed.
"Let's allow her to stay here!" 'Etta further suggested. "All in favor?"
"Traitor," Petrushka huffily told Beatrice. The silent girl's right hand was up, and so were 'Etta, Rico, Angie and Carol's. "I demand a recount!"
"This is why I hate democracies," Terra muttered, intentionally slurring cracies into crazies.
"I assume those last two lines of commentary were jibes at the current American President?"
"(Why not? Everyone's hit him with potshots. Why can't I? I can even make this play an anti-war movie for the next awards ceremony if I want to.)"
"Stop power-tripping."
"(I'll do that if you stop becoming invincible whenever that 'Amnani' chant plays.)"1
"…"
Claes woke up at that point. "Oh, good evening. I'm sorry for entering your house without permission. I've been running away from my evil stepmother who wishes me dead. May I stay here for a while?"
"Don't worry," Henrietta assured her. "We just voted over it. You can stay!"
"But don't be too smug." Terra grinned rather pettily. "If you're going to live here, you will have to earn your keep."
Claes' right eyebrow rose.
If Triela can shine in the role of an evil stepmother, I can certainly do the same as Grumpy, Terra thought.
The fairy tale soon turns into a soap opera-ish plot. It appears that Claes ran away from one evil stepmother only to end up living with another, less evil but still domineering figure. How will she handle her demotion from Snow Claes to Cinderella Claes? Find out in…"
Snow Claes And The Seven Cyborg Sprites
A Gunslinger Girl Christmas Presentation
Disclaimer
Neither Rolito nor Sheo owns Gunslinger Girl, Noir or Full Metal Panic. This is a fan fiction and a parody. Do not sue.
"And for everyone who is wondering where GSG's favorite patsy for humor is…"
Hilshire grumbled. "What now? Huh? I have to reference some of the jokes in this rotten play? Why me? What? Every chapter has to have a moment where I'm bashed? Bloody hell…"
Chapter Three
1. Alludes to the first episode of the anime Suzumiya Haruhi No Yuutsu. Rolito's condensation basically summarizes the barebones plot of the SOS-dan's featured "movie".
2. Rolito's challenge is a reference to the anime Madlax. The protagonist of that show, Madlax, resembles Mireille Bouquet (same character designers.) Madlax becomes invincible whenever the said "Amnani" chant begins playing.
"There? Happy now? What? I have to do the same for the previous chapter? Oh, come on, now!"
Chapter Two
1. "At least it doesn't try to eat my fingers or summons armies of darkness." – Rolito is referring to the Monster Book of Monsters from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and the Necronomicon from the Evil Dead movies.
2. Ah, yes, revenge was a dish best served with the head of your enemy upon a silver platter. – Triela alludes to the Biblical (New Testament) figure John the Baptist, who was indeed decapitated, his head placed on a silver platter to appease one of his enemies.
3. "You mean a dish best served cold." – A popular line. The Author was specifically thinking of the Klingons from Star Trek.
"There. Satisfied? God, what else can this Sheo Darren character come up with? Not to mention this Yu Aida person. And who is Nachtsider, and why exactly do I have to worship him?"