Warning

This fic will feature canon characters acting out of character and imply sexually suggestive overtures between minors. Also beware of the Author childishly indulging himself in power-tripping.


Now, on with the play!

Part Four

Interlude


Earlier, during the interlude:

"(Okay, everyone,)" Rolito announced via the speakers of his Venom. "(Listen up, and listen up well. Since this play began, everyone's been winging things. That's both good and bad. Good, since the audience loves the sheer genius of our extemporaneousness. Bad, in that it's absolute chaos. The others can't predict what you're going to do in the next minute.

"(So, from now on, everyone is going to do things just one way: my way. Any dissent?)"

Terra opened her mouth to say something.

The shiny razor edge of a black anodized kukri blade stopped millimeters from her throat even as an arrow tipped by a heavy titanium head coated with the extremely toxic secretion of the South American poison arrow frog hovered a half a foot from her left temple. In addition, a bright red dot appeared on her forehead, followed by the distinct sound of a six-barrel 7.62mm Minigun spinning up to 6,000 revolutions per minute.

"(Hmm?)" The curiosity in Rolito's tone was patently fake and seriously deadly. "(What was that, Terra-chan?)"

Grumbling, Terra did keep her mouth shut.

"(By the way: head's up.)"

"Huh?"

A four-legged, tail-toting ball of white fluff landed on Terra's face and started biting, clawing and hissing for all it was worth.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"


"The Geneva Conventions ought to ban Liora," the amused Rolito noted as Terra ran around backstage with Liora clinging to her face.


"Now that the evil Queen knew Princess Claes was still alive, she set into motion plans to end her rival's life."


Attempt 1: The Poisoned Comb

Triela was dressed up as a classy saleslady (because everyone knew that no one in her right state of mind would buy anything from a mysterious old hag). Her hair was tied into a professional bun. She toted a large and expensive suitcase.

Conveniently, Claes was sweeping the yard. She had nothing better to do. Sousuke had stifled Terra's more serious chores for her. Sweeping was admittedly calming– though what possessed Rolito to issue her a Japanese-style broom with a bamboo handle mystified her.

"Hi!" Triela brightly greeted. "I'm Ratiel Hartman!"


Waiting for the expected end-of-chapter "Learned Commentaries By Victor 'Hilshire' Hartman" foisted on him against his will, Hilshire buried his face in his palms and groaned.


"I work for Amalgam Enterprises, Ma'am," Triela happily continued. "We provide you with anything you might need: nuclear warheads, ultra-advanced Arm Slave robots, hot Chinese assassin twins and combs."

Claes blinked. "Combs? I could use a comb." Since her otherwise luxurious hair was a bit messy due to lack of care.

"Excellent! May I present you a sample of our selection?" Triela popped her suitcase open. Inside were a variety of combs.

Claes briefly scanned the suitcase's contents. "I'll take this one." She pointed at a simple black comb with a handle.

"Excellent taste, Ma'am!" To the crowd: "I poisoned all of them, anyway."

Then Petrushka walked over. "What are you doing there?" She noticed the suitcase full of combs and beamed. "Ooh! Combs! I want this one!"

And before anyone could protest, Petrushka snatched the fanciest-looking comb made of 24 carat gold and encrusted with fine gemstones, and stuck it on her head.

A long moment of silence passed. Petra's eyes rolled up to show their whites. She toppled backwards and began twitching violently.

Claes and Triela stared. "Ah," Triela began, "Don't worry, we sold her insurance. Her insurance covers poisonings by combs. In fact, I have antidotes for sale right here…"


Score

Claes: 1

Triela: 0

Petra: -1


Attempt 2: The Poisoned Spinning Wheel


"I won't bother to point out that this is from Sleeping Beauty and not Snow White," Mireille said over the radio.

"(Glad to know we understand each other, Mireille.)"


"Hi, Ma'am Claes!" Triela beamed. "It's me!"

"Selling poisoned combs again?" Claes dryly asked.

"Oh, no, Ma'am. I apologize for that. That batch of combs had been marked for a rival company's chief executive's wife's second daughter's mistress. I assure you that the supply clerk who bungled the details has been dealt with most severely. Is Ma'am Petrushka all right?"

"Yes. The antidote worked out fine."

"Oh, good, good! Anyway, Ma'am Claes, may I interest you in a spinning wheel?"

"A spinning wheel? I don't see any spinning wheel?"

"It's right here!" Triela gestured grandly- to an empty spot on the floor.

Another long moment of silence passed. There was still no spinning wheel in sight.

Triela turned around to face Stage Right. "ALPHA!!"

"Sorry!" The chastised boy ran on stage pushing a wheeled spinning wheel. "I forgot!"

"Just because you came first before all of us in Boomer's storyline…" Shaking her head, Triela took Claes by the shoulders and pushed her towards the spinning wheel. "Try it, Ma'am!"

"But I don't know how to weave–"

Petrushka arrived. She regarded the spinning wheel with surprise. "A spinning wheel?"

Triela blanched because she suspected what was coming up. "You know how to use it?"

"Of course! Let the expert show you how it's done!"

And so Petra, in setting up the equipment, nicked her finger on the poisoned needle and fainted.

"I think your bungling supply clerk is still somewhere in the supply basement mucking up your inventory," Claes sourly observed.

"I'll get the antidote, Ma'am…"


Score

Claes: 2

Triela: 0

Petra: -2


"That's cruel!" Alessandro complained. "Why does Petra always have to take the bullet for Claes?"

"(But it's funny!)" Rolito pointed out.

"Rolito," Mireille scolded.

"(What? WHAT?)"


"The evil Queen realized that someone with supernatural power was foiling her. She quickly discovered Sagara's presence."


"Ah hah!" A gas-mask-wearing Triela popped out of the Sprites' laundry pile waving her damning evidence in one heavily-gloved hand. "Boxer shorts! There's a man in the house!"


Off stage, Sousuke blinked. "Those aren't mine."


Hilshire's face could have been mistaken for a sunrise.


"The evil Queen summoned evil minions from another anime to deal with Princess Claes' protector."


"Kasshim!"

Sousuke spun around in horror and shock. Arrayed before him were his enemies: Gates, Yu Fang, Yu Lang and, of course, Gauron himself.

"Hello, Kasshim," Gauron drawled. "It's been a while…"

"All of you are dead," Sousuke swore.

"This is a fan fiction, Kasshim! Anything can happen here!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Apparently," Gates told his equally psychotic colleague, "Only Rolito and perhaps Triela know that aside from us."

"Fan fiction?" Yu Fang asked a similarly confused Yu Lang. "What's that?"


"With Sousuke distracted, the evil Queen was now free to move against Princess Claes."


Cradled in the wickedly grinning Triela's hands was–


Hilshire choked.


–a very large specimen of Hilshire Farms Sausage.

"Hi!" Triela told Claes with the most innocent and carefree air ever known to history. "I'm really sorry for poisoning your friend twice in a row. So, as a token of apology, please accept this free sample of Hilshire's sausage…"


Hilshire clutched at his heart. Marco developed a hacking cough that wouldn't go away. Jean couldn't immediately decide whether to disapprove or to laugh. (He chose to smile as compromise.) Jose, Priscilla and Mireille blushed. And in his Venom's cockpit, Rolito managed to shut his radio down before guffawing like a lunatic.

"I don't get it," the mystified Henrietta told the red-faced Giuseppe (the cyborg) backstage. The other girls were similarly querying the nearest boy or man. Save Carol, who was blushing very prettily due certain secret knowledge she possessed…

Nearby, Pinocchio (still tied to the throne) was glad no one was currently paying attention to him.


Claes could barely keep in character due her friend's ingenious irreverence. "Of course." She took the proffered sausage with exaggerated care.

"Careful." Triela was clearly enjoying herself. "It's rather tender."


"IT IS NOT!" yelled Hilshire.


"Rolito," Mireille began.

"(It wasn't in the script. It's Triela. I know, I told everyone to follow the script. But I have to admit that girl is a natural actress and a genius. No wonder she's popular with the fans.)"

… I don't even know why I bother arguing with you…"

"(You can just say 'You. Are. Crazy.'.)"

"That, too."

"(Why, thank you, Mireille. I think you're hot, too.)"


"Why don't you try it?" Triela suggested. "A little bite won't hurt."

"You first," Claes offered with a small, knowing smirk.

"I prefer my sausages smaller," was the witty retort.


Hilshire was pleading with God to smite him here and now instead of subjecting him to further misery at the hands of his ward.


"Looks like you have a chance, after all, Pino-kun," Giuseppe told Pinocchio. He, Meir, Luke and Alpha then began sniggering meanly.

The girls who heard (minus Carol, now turning even redder) exchanged curious looks and asked each other what the boys found so funny.

Pino glowered. "I hate all you cyborgs…"


"And so Princess Claes took the fateful bite out of Hilshire's poisoned sausage…"


"MARCO!"


"… Sorry, Hilshire. Anyway…"


Claes took a tiny nibble off the sausage. She froze. Dropped the sausage. Staggered backwards. On the way she accidentally knocked the same poisoned comb from earlier onto her head and clumsily pricked her finger on the poisoned needle of the sewing machine. Claes then fell on her face and lay still.


"Woah," Rolito murmured in awe. "Sheo Darren Effect in motion."


"The Sprites found Princess Claes lying dead in the house…"


"We should just dig a deep hole somewhere and dump her corpse there," Terra grumped. "No one will find out."

"NO!" Henrietta, Angelica, Rico and Carol wailed.

Beatrice held up a placard saying "Negative."

"Oh, no, no, no," Terra countered. "Dead Claes is a complication. Complication is trouble. Trouble must be avoided. Right, Petruska?"

Petra bit her lip. "Claes saved my life twice…"

Terra groaned.


"And so the Sprites placed Princess Claes' body in a glass coffin and placed her within a peaceful copse for her wild animal friends to visit."


"The glass coffin's sides are solid," Gino noted at the last moment.

"We can't have that!" Amadeo said. "Claes will choke to death!"

"Someone just put holes in it already," Jean ordered.

Terra, frustrated and ticked off for five chapters straight, pulled out her pistol, paused long enough to screw a silencer on and put a whole magazine's worth of 9mm bullets through the transparent plastic of the "glass" coffin.

Claes shrugged. "Thanks."


"Meanwhile, just entering the forest…"


Luke came on stage riding a golden chariot pulled by the aptly-costumed Amadeo. The Israeli wore glittering white armor lifted out of a Bible story, a flowing red cape and a silvery round shield emblazoned with Hebrew text. A bejeweled sword with a leaf-shaped blade rode in a scabbard on his left hip. There were also javelins and a sling with lead bullets.

"I am Prince Luke of the Kingdom of the Land Flowing With Milk And Honey," he declared, "And I have come to claim the hand of the Princess of this land in marriage.


"The audience might be wondering why Luke is dressed up more like a biblical Israeli warrior instead of the traditional Western 'knight in shining armor' outfit. The reason for that will be revealed in the next chapter of…"


Snow Claes And The Seven Cyborg Sprites


A Gunslinger Girl Christmas Presentation


Disclaimer

Neither Rolito nor Sheo owns Gunslinger Girl, Noir or Full Metal Panic. OCs used here with permission from their respective creators. This is a fan fiction and a parody. Please do not sue.


"I seem to have forgotten something," Rolito mused.


Sousuke was hard-pressed to hold off his four enemies. "Urz Seven to Base! I need reinforcements!"

"Sousuke!" Kirika came in Beretta blazing. Right on her heels was the knife-toting Chloe. Bringing up the rear was Jeremy Colt and a Pancor Jackhammer.


"No, not that. What was it?" Rolito racked his brains. "Oh. The "Learned Commentaries By Victor 'Hilshire' Hartman" segment. But, since Hilshire seems preoccupied…"


Hilshire was going through a fifth shot of brandy at the nearby Rolito's Pasta. "I'm a bad handler..."

Hobbes patted his back sympathetically.


"… we will turn to another great Manly Man to provide us with commentary…"


"About the only thing of curious note here," Sean Connery tells the audience in his unique accent, "Is Rolito's comment about the Sheo Darren Effect. Basically, the Sheo Darren Effect means that the unexpected happens when least expected. This is most prevalent in Sheo's Guilty Gear fan fiction series The Wedding Night,The Wedding Night 2and The World Within And Without. The Sheo Darren Effect also makes appearances in Sheo's more humorous stories, including and not limited to his Gunslinger Girl one-shot stories."


"And that about wraps it up," Rolito finished. To himself: "Now, if Sheo can keep this productivity going long enough to finish this fic…"


"Leon? We're here."

"About time, Vincent. You just missed the great parts."

"Weren't they going to release a DVD version of this, anyway?"

"Nothing beats live. Everyone here?"

"All the Teams are here. So, how do we get in?"

"Entrance is there. Snacks that way. Bathrooms over there. I got courtesy tickets for everyone."

"Thanks, Leon."

"No problem."


Two young lads arrive at the entrance after the gaggle of girls and adults.

"I hear Triela's in this play," Frederick thought. "It would be a shame if I didn't watch it."

Triela, Marc thought with rather excessive fondness.