Warning

This fic will feature canon characters acting out of character and imply sexually suggestive overtures between minors. Also beware of the Author childishly indulging in power-tripping.

Now, on with the play!

Part Five

Kiss Miss/Mis-Kiss


"For the last time, Rolito," Mireille resolutely declared, "I am not doing it."

"(But the story won't progress otherwise...)"

"Why not get Kirika?"

"(She's busy.)"


Outside the theater, Kirika and Chloe teamed up against Yu Fang and Yu Lang while Sagara and Colt battled Gauron and Gates in an eight-fighter tornado tag anything-goes fight-to-the-finish.


"Why did you call those maniacs here, anyway?"

"(I needed a distraction for Sagara. So, will you do it?)"

"No."

"(M. Night Shymalan never shied from doing cameos in his films.)"

"I'm not Shymalan."

"(Killjoy.)"

"Very."

"(Jean.)"

The blond man looked at where he assumed the invisible Venom was.

"(No, Jean, I wasn't talking about you, I was just using your name in vain by comparing Mireille to you.)"

"I'm still not doing it, Rolito," Mireille stated, "And that's final."

"(If you don't do it...)"

"What?"

"(...I'll tell Jean all about your original gender leanings.)"

"...You're a bastard, Rolito, you know that?"

"(Nah, my Mom and my Dad were married when they made me.)"


"It all started when King Ehud, Divine Ruler of the Land Flowing With Milk And Honey (a country which we will now call Israel for purpose of brevity), decided that his only son and heir Prince Luke was of the right age to marry."


"Luke, I want grandkids."

"Huh?"

"Humor me, son. I'm going through my midlife crisis."

"I thought you told me you were done with that?"

"Relapse."


"Sad," Rolito agreed, then remembered he didn't have anyone to talk to for now.


"So King Ehud sent Prince Luke to The Land Far, Far Away."


"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"Stop plagiarizing Shrek!"


"Now, if we had enough money and this was a film, we'd show you these scenes…"


"My name is Gladiator."

"Pleased to meet you. I'm Luke."


"You know what lies there? Immortality. It's yours. Take it!"

"Thanks, but no thanks. I'm going that way."


"Artorius!!"

"Over there, I think."


"Death! Death! Death!"

"Ride!"


"Spartans! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty, for tonight we dine in Hell!"

"…oh, boy… I'm in for one wild night…"


"What… is the speed of a flying swallow?"

STAB


"But, since we only have a limited budget and a stage play, we resort to a Random Battle."


Luke took one step off his chariot.

A sound rather like that of a mirror breaking hit the audience. A group of black-suited figures rushed onstage. They faced Luke. Final Fantasy battle music began playing.

"Take him down," King ordered his team.

"My life for Aiur," acknowledged Queen.

"Is it a European or an African swallow?" Joker quipped.

Ace nodded.


Jean choked at the appearance of Padania Republic Faction assassins.


"I knew hiring these guys was going to help," Rolito told himself.


Luke was ready. "Oh, yeah? Take this!" He began using every (rubber) weapon at hand.

"Shit," King grumbled as a spear hit him. He lowered himself to the floor and lay still. "I'm really too old for this stage play stuff…"

Queen followed shortly after taking a bullet from a slingshot. "It is a good day to die…"

"… Need… Holy… Hand… Grenade…" Joker managed before collapsing from an arrow.

That left Ace. She engaged Luke in a pretty well-choreographed swordfight across the stage before letting herself get stabbed. Her last act was to grab the front of Luke's costume and partly haul herself up almost to his face.

"Give me back my body…"

THUD

Luke blinked. "Huh?"


"I seem to remember that line from the movie version of a Crichton novel," Rolito noted. "Or maybe one of Sheo's original stories. Still, it's dramatic and rather cute with Ace doing it…"


Claes' eyeglasses shone dangerously.


FF victory music played.

Victory! You gained 12750 XP. Level up! You received 9500 Gold and a Fire Ring +2. Keep/Discard?


"Strengthened by his battles, Prince Luke journeyed onwards. And, no, I don't know why modern-day PRF cyborg assassins carry 9500 Gold and a Fire Ring +2."


"It's so nice not to have that woman harping on me during every single clever insinuation I make," Rolito sighed with pleasure.


"As Prince Luke coursed through the forest, he came upon a mystic figure…"


Mireille Bouquet, Corsica's Daughter, One of Three Trees of Noir, Yuumura Kirika's Former Lover, Jean Croce's First Girlfriend In GSG Fanon, and Director of Snow Claes And The Seven Cyborg Sprites entered the stage in her typical red blouse-black miniskirt outfit. Her only concession to her impromptu role was to wield the same wand that Kirika earlier used. She also bore a very displeased expression.


"My greatest triumph yet," Rolito decided with a huge self-congratulatory grin.


"Miss Mireille?" the (honestly) startled Luke asked. "What are you doing there?"

"I'm subbing for Kirika. Listen carefully, Luke. There is a Princess in this forest. Her name is Claes. She is the one you are looking for. She can be found in a glen about a mile northeast of here. Go to her. And hurry."

"Yes, Miss Mireille."

"Don't call me that."


Backstage, Henrietta giggled.


"Guided by the helpful, if annoyed, fairy, Prince Luke arrived at the glen where Princess Claes lay in dead repose."


"What is happening here?" Luke asked.

"Don't you have eyes?" Terra grumbled. "It's a funeral."

"Who died?"

"Claes."

Luke put on a shocked expression. "No! I came too late!"

The hitherto-wailing Sprites whirled on him.

"He's come for Claes!"

"The Evil Stepmother must have sent him!"

"But isn't Claes dead already?"

"He must be a necrophiliac, then!"

"Ewww!"

"We can't let him get his filthy hands on Claes!"

"Get him!"

The Sprites charged. It was like facing an onrushing flood of cute, pretty and grumpy. Luke was instantly swamped by a quarter-ton of cyborg.

"Hey! Ah! Ow! Help!"

"What should we do with him?" Rico asked.

Petrushka smirked naughtily. "TICKLE HIM TO DEATH!!"

The Sprites cheered. Fingers wiggled in anticipation. Luke gulped.

"Wait!" A puffing Giuseppe arrived. "Let him go!"

"Who the hell are you?" Terra demanded as she was about to lay the smackdown on the pinned Luke.

"I'm the Royal Hunter. I saved Princess Claes' life by disobeying and deceiving the Queen. But I was found out and only narrowly escaped. I came here as soon as I heard about the Princess getting poisoned." Giuseppe paused dramatically. "Listen! Princess Claes is not dead. She's just suspended in a powerful magic coma! It's some technicality about magics clashing, or so I heard. To break the curse, she must be given a kiss!"

"Well, then, Hunter," Petrushka slyly suggested, "By all means, pucker up."

"Huh?"

"Give the Princess her wake-up kiss." Petra gestured extravagantly to the coffin's occupant.

The 'dead' Claes twitched.

Giuseppe went red all over. He stepped back, held his hands up and shook his head violently. "No! I don't want to kiss Claes! I want Henrietta-"

He caught himself. Too late. Henrietta's face rivaled the Big Bang in brightness. Backstage, Elena could be heard yelling "BIG BROTHER!!" while Jose pulled out his SiG. The rest of the Sprites grinned at their Amalgam counterpart.

Luke snickered. "Payback…"


Rolito was too busy laughing his head off to make any smart-ass comments.


"So, Prince Luke set about to wake Princess Claes through a most fulsomely passionate asymmetrical docking of their mucus-covered orifices…"


"ROLITO!!"

"(Hey, Mireille. Welcome back. I missed you.)"


Luke lifted the glass cover of the coffin and set it aside. He bent down so that his face hovered over Claes'. He was blushing. So was the "dead" girl. They were so embarrassed that they stayed in that impasse for a full minute.

"(Giuseppe?)" Rolito radioed.

"Yes, Sensei?"

"(Push Luke.)"

"Eh?"

"(The idiot's too shy to do it on his own. He needs to be prodded.)"

"But…"

"(Do it.)"

Consigning his fate to God, Giuseppe gave Luke a helpful prod.

Unfortunately, around this time, Terra also got it into her head to 'help'. And where Giuseppe did a gentle push, Terra shoved. Hard.

Luke's face ended up buried in Claes' bosom.

Everyone gaped.

"Oops," Giuseppe mumbled.

The sound of a palm smacking into a face was clearly audible. Make it two palms. One was Rolito burying his face in his right hand, and the other was Claes slapping Luke out of reflex.

"LUKE!"

"I'm sorry! It's Giuseppe's fault! He pushed me!"

Scandinavian girl and Israeli boy glared at the thoroughly embarrassed Italian lad.

"It was an accident! Terra pushed too hard!"

"Oh, can it, you Amalgam terrorist! Besides, I'm sure Claes liked it!"

It took everyone onstage to restrain Claes.

"Oh, I get it. Luke likes bigger chests. Hey, Tri-E-La!"

Raucous laughter came from backstage, proving Triela could appreciate a joke aimed at her– so long as Claes was the bigger butt of it.

You are not going to get any sleep soon, Triela, Claes coldly promised her roommate.


"After Princess Claes' awakening, she, Prince Luke, the Hunter and the Sprites held a council of war."


"Offense is the best defense," Luke was saying. "We have to take the fight to the enemy."

"Overthrow the Queen?" Giuseppe asked with a hint of concern.

"Restoring the rightful ruler is more like it," Claes corrected. "My Stepmother remains in power only because she holds my father–" thinking of Pinocchio in that way made her smile "–under her thrall. That incapacity for self-decision disqualifies him for the crown. My Stepmother is disqualified because according to my land's laws, royal authority automatically descends to direct bloodline heirs: me."

"Were you a lawyer before you were brainwashed and conditioned?" Terra grumped.

"Objection," Luke slyly interjected. "We're supposed to be in character…"

"Don't you go Phoenix Wright on me," Terra growled.

"We may have the legal right," Petrushka argued, "But do we have the combat capability to back it up? You know the old saying about 'Might making things right'…"

"We can," Giuseppe answered. "The Kingdom does not have a real army per se. The Queen has some minions who can fight, but I believe we can take them."

"Then we fight," Claes decided.

"About time." Terra grinned. "Sprites! Prepare for glory!"

The Sprites cheered.


"Meanwhile, at Castlevania…"


Sexily seated upon Pinocchio's lap while watching the scene on her magic Meir-ror, Triela allowed a sultry purr to escape her luscious lips. "Come into my lair, said the spider to the fly… for tonight, you will dine in Hell…"

"So," Clarice asked, "We can kill all of them?"

"Figuratively speaking," Svetlana answered. "This is, after all, a play."

Other fanon cyborg OCs roared like Spartans from 300.

Pino shivered. More cyborgs… Is there no end to this Hell?


"An epic battle of fan-made characters awaits you in the next installment of…"

Snow Claes And The Seven Cyborg Sprites


A Gunslinger Girl Christmas Presentation


Disclaimer

Neither Rolito nor Sheo owns Gunslinger Girl, Noir or Full Metal Panic. OCs used here with permission from their respective creators. This is a fan fiction and a parody. Please do not sue.


"What?" Frederick was angry. "I was only briefly featured in the end?"

Marc muttered something Frenchly vile beneath his breath. "What a letdown… I hope the next chapter is more fun…"

"Shut up there," Leon growled from behind, "We're trying to watch a play here…"

"Mr. Leon?" Matilda was rather confused. "I thought we were going after Crazy Horse?"

"After the play."


"Somehow," Colt muttered aloud as he popped a few aspirins while shooting at that blond monkey freak Gates, "I have the feeling I'm a pretty popular person right now…"


"That man is going too far," Mireille fumed to her boyfriend.

Jean only shrugged "It's a good Brechtian play."

"Jean!"


"Sir Darren? Mr. Hilshire is thoroughly soused."

"(Thanks for the reminder, Hobbes. I'll send someone over to drag his sorry German ass here.)"

"You're welcome." Hobbes shook his head at the drunk Hishire.

"…Leoni… hic… Ratiel… hic… I'm sorry… hic…"


"BIG BROTHER!! YOU HAVE A LOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO!!"

"Ah, Elena, could you not be so loud? It's embarrassing…"


"Henrietta…"

"It's not what you think, Jose!"


"Luke? You okay?"

"I'm a bad boyfriend… a bad boyfriend…"


"Terra…"

"Ohohohohohohoho…"

"But you have to admit, Claes, that it was funny."

"You too, Triela?"

"Why, haven't you read The Oddity's latest fic yet? Or Sheo's Admissions story?"

"…Pervert."