Chapter Three… Cracked Again

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Lies… That's all they were.

Lies. Everything in those reports… they were all lies.

At least… that's what Saïx wanted to believe. And for some reason, he couldn't… even if he tried.

Sighing, the blue haired nobody hugged his legs tighter, pressing them as close as possible to his chest. For some reason he felt vulnerable. He felt robbed. He felt betrayed. These feelings, he shouldn't even feel them. But they were there. He knew he felt something. And he felt angry. He was downright pissed. And unsurprisingly he felt betrayed.

He felt as though he had been robbed of something. Xemnas kept things from him, things that he should've known. He had the right to know these things. Why did Xemnas hide it from him in the first place? Why would he do something so low?

Saïx felt hurt. He honestly felt everything an angry boyfriend would feel except jealously. But he might as well feel that way too since, according to the reports, Xemnas' five subordinates knew about it.

And Zexion knew. Zexion was supposed to be his best friend. He was his first and only friend in the organization, if you could even call a nobody a friend. He trusted Zexion. And seeing that Zexion knew this entire time most definitely stuck a nerve. It only made things worse.

As Saïx thought about it, the angrier he became. He exceedingly felt deceived. He just couldn't understand why. Why did Xemnas keep all that from him? It was unfair… It was excessive… It was blatantly disgusting!

No… he couldn't start ranting like that. There had to be a reason why Xemnas would do that to him. There had to be some kind of reason. Saïx wanted to know. He had to know. Even though he shouldn't, he decided to look for Xemnas himself. He finally stood up and made his way out his bedroom to seek his superior. It wasn't a very good idea, seeing as he was very angry already; he might "accidentally" punch his superior in the face if he said something wrong or not to his liking. It didn't matter, Saïx thought. He deserved it anyway, right?

…

"Number Nine."

Demyx stopped walking down the hall and turned around to see his superior looking somewhat… gloomy. It was quite odd since his Xemnas was really the only Nobody who showed absolutely no emotion unless Kingdom Hearts was mentioned in any way or form. Seriously, the man became somewhat romantic in a creepy way.

"Hey Superior. What's up?" the melodious nocturne beamed like always once said man was close enough.

"I've been looking for No. VII. Have you seen him?" Xemnas asked hesitantly.

"Saïx? The last time I saw him… he was in that…… uh… room that's upstairs and… it has all of our thingies in it and… he was staring at his tombstone thingy for a while and…"

"Proof of Existence. Right. Thank you. Good bye," was what Xemnas said quickly to get rid of the idiot of a Nobody he recruited.

"Uhm… is something wrong?" Demyx asked, noticing the grim look he suddenly had.

"No, nothing, why would you think that?" Xemnas said quickly, walking away. Unfortunately, the blond began to follow.

"Well, you look kind of bleak."

"Bleak you say?"

"Did something happen between you and Saïx?"

"No. Don't you have something to do like play with your sitar?" Xemnas questioned, trying desperately to get rid of the blond teen.

"Well, you see, that's the thing. I was playing it in that… room… but when Saïx walked in he grabbed my sitar and smashed it. He seemed very, very mad…" Demyx explained. Xemnas sighed.

This was not good. Saïx obviously read the reports he left on the desk. It made so much sense. They were missing when he awoke. Everything in his bedroom was thrown about; trashed as if someone was eagerly and desperately looking for something that had been misplaced. His paperwork and important documents were scattered all over the room. The only Nobody that was permitted in the Superiors chambers and was more than angry enough to wreck his bedroom was Saïx. Saïx was the only Nobody that wouldn't care of the consequences for breaking any or all rules. Crossing the line was what Saïx did rarely, and only if he had a rational reason to do so. This meant Saïx had most defiantly read those reports. This was not good at all.

"Sir, is something wrong?" Demyx asked, looking up at Xemnas in question.

"No, of course not." Xemnas answered casually. Demyx new better though, Xemnas was undeniably lying. But the blond decided against pushing further.

"Well, I'll be on my way then!" Demyx said lastly with a Cheshire grin and wave before turning the opposite way and walking away.

Xemnas sighed. How did this happen? What was he supposed to do now? Hopefully if he was still there maybe he could try and explain some things to Saïx. Well, he couldn't hide anything else any longer. It was all out. Saïx knew everything, but he obviously didn't know why it was kept a secret.

Right, so the plan was to go confront Saïx, explain everything to him without getting hurt in the process and then kiss and make up. It was clearly much easier said than done. Saïx wouldn't even want to hear it, knowing him. If he was angry enough he'd probably go berserk on him. That was never a pretty sight and the one time he did berserk against an organization member was Axel.

Maybe he wouldn't. Maybe Saïx would hear him out. Maybe he'd forgive him and everything will go back to normal. Or maybe he'd do just the opposite. He just might go berserk and let out all his anger and frustration on some unfortunate passerby since he had promised to never lay a finger on his master. Maybe he'd leave the Organization now that he knew the truth. Of course… he's probably thinking about leaving! Oh no, Xemnas would not have that! He couldn't let his Luna Diviner leave. He was his and his alone. Leaving was not an option.

With that thought alone on his mind, the Enigmatic Man teleported his way to the room Proof of Existence. And upon doing so, he found the one he had been searching for. He was sitting on the ground with his legs hugged to his chest, a habit he had formed for reasons unbeknownst to him, and his head resting on his knees while his back leaned against his headstone. Xemnas let out a soft sigh of relief, glad to know he had not left… yet.

Saïx looked up in alarm when he had sensed his Superior's presence. But just as quickly he looked up and locked eyes he looked away, turning his head so that he was not able to see Xemnas face.

Xemnas frowned at his action. He didn't want to be looked at in such a way. Not full of hatred. He'd never seen such anger in Saïx's eyes before. He'd never seen so much hate. It was so alien he didn't know what to think of it.

The two nobodies remained blanketed in an ill silence before Saïx had decided to finally speak, feeling that awkward tension building was more than enough to bear.

"How long did you know about it?" Saïx asked clearly, keeping his gaze away from Xemnas.

Xemnas remained silent, unable to find the words to answer the question. Saïx only shook his head when he received no reply. "I can't believe you would hide something like this from me."

"Saïx, listen—

"Why should I?" Saïx nearly yelled, "All you're going to do is lie to me!" His loud voice came unexpectedly and cut off Xemnas mid sentence.

"Saïx, it is not like that. You just have to listen." Xemnas nearly pleaded.

Saïx only turned his head to stare at his superior with malice. Literally intense malice. "Well? These ears aren't just here for show."

Xemnas couldn't hide the scowl. He dismissed the comment and began his explanation. "Honestly, Saïx, I did not mean to hurt you in any way."

Not even past the first and Saïx scoffed, but Xemnas disregarded that as well and continued. "I did not want to keep these things from you but it was up to me and my five subordinates to decide whether or not the truth be told to you. It goes without saying, we kept it secret. We believed it would be the best thing for you seeing as though you somehow had amnesia. You had no recollection of what has happened to you. So, since you had forgotten we thought it best it stayed forgotten."

"But you kept the reports. You continued your research on me." Saïx said. "Why? I'm not just some test subject of yours to fool around with! I was human once!"

"Saïx."

Hearing his name called as if given an order, he hushed down and remained quiet. But even silenced, the Luna Diviner stared scornfully at his superior.

"When we had found you, you were young, maybe around your late teens. It was only six years ago…" Xemnas began and sighed, knowing that this was going to be the hardest thing he had to say. He walked over to where the Luna Diviner was and sat beside him, leaning on to him and resting his head on the other's shoulder. It seemed like Saïx didn't mind given that he did not move himself. He did frown, but the Enigmatic Man did not see it. Xemnas sighed again before continuing his story.

"Xigbar, Xaldin and I were surveying your world that day. We passed through a small town. It seemed calm and pleasant. Very peaceful. But I had not the slightest care since we were only there to observe the lives of humans. That's when I saw you for the first time, sitting on the porch of your house, staring out distantly at the children who had been enjoying a game of tag in front of your house. You were alone. At least you appeared to be at first. You looked so lonely and miserable, and yet eager to play with the children. But somehow, you were held back as if by some invisible shackles. You never moved. You just watched. And at the time, I had no idea what I was feeling as I watched you watching the children, in complete silence. All that was heard were the sound of innocent child laughter.

"But then someone, maybe your father or guardian of some type I though but clearly the person who held the key to your restraints, had come out looking angry for some reason. He began to holler at you, his angry roars could've been hard miles away. You yelled back in defense but that action had cost you dearly seeing as he grabbed your arm, yanked you close to him and struck you across your cheek. The slap was so hard and loud I remember I nearly cringed.

"You did not cry though. Your remained strong, firm, as if your pride as a man would not let you cry out or even recoil each time he struck you. Which he had done so a few or more times over until you bled. Your lip had probably split, from what I was able to see. When the man had seen the damaged he had done to you he pulled you close into a loving embrace, apologizing over and over again, regretting ever laying a finger on you.

"Not once did your waver. Not once did flinch. And at that time, I remember admiring that. You were only a child, but you had kept your head high. You held such a strong will. I had admired that so much. And so, as I am scientist and I studied the heart, I had decided to keep an eye on you. Over time, you had endured all that man's torture. As I saw, it was probably more than torture if there was such a word that did justice. My mind could not wrap around the fact that a child was able to withstand everything that man had done to you. I was fascinated by your will power to take in so much and have the courage to fight back.

"I am glad that you do not remember such things. At least not all of it. It's always been out of habit that you do the things you do now. Have you ever wondered why you always fear intimacy? Why you always push others away when they near you? Or rather, why you easily anger?"

Saïx only shook his head in reply and Xemnas continued.

"Those questioned shall be answered as I tell you the story. As I was saying before, I had admired the strong will power you possessed. I had discussed this with the others and they seemed rather interested as well. So we planed to test your will power. We had come to a hypothesis that a Nobody is created when one with a strong will is claimed by darkness. So we wanted to prove it by sending out a heartless attack on your town.

"Heartless went into your home, or what you had once called it your prison, and you fought against them. Your heart along with that mans was taken by the heartless, forever lost into the darkness. What had become of that man, I still do not know to this day. But what had become of you is what you are now. Your body, as we predicted was in the darkness, reshaping only slightly, and you were reborn into the world as a Nobody. You alone had proven our theory that all nobodies exist because of their will power.

"When we had brought you into our world, like I had said before, you had absolutely no recognition of your past as a human. We believed it to be just a minor amnesia. But so much time went by we decided not to tell you. I believed painful experiences are better left forgotten. And I still hold true to that. That is the reason why I kept it from you for so long.

"After a few days of observing you some more, I had come to realize you kept to some of your old habits. Such as what you were doing now." Xemnas paused to move himself from Saïx and to point out the position the blue haired nobody was in. "When you feel hurt, or vulnerable, you tend to curl up somewhere. Mostly places where feel most comfortable or safe. Another habit is when you recoil when other touch you. You move yourself away from them. Your fear any type of touch. You dislike anyone close to you because you fear pain. You don't want to hurt again. True you cannot feel any longer since you have no heart but as I said, these are habits that you kept. These are the scars that man left behind. And all that anger inside you when you were still human is what you are. You are the reflection of what was inside your heart, making you the crazed berserker."

Saïx, who had been listening intently the entire time, was now staring out into the distance with wide eyes. So much information at one time, it took some time for it to all sink in. He couldn't believe it because he could not remember it but… he was speaking the truth. It was in the reports only Xemnas explanation was much clearer. But… that did not change anything. Hearing this only enraged him. He stood up and looked at Xemnas with all the anger he was able to sum up. He was not satisfied. Not one freaking bit. (is starting to lose train of thought…)

"No!" Saïx started. "Telling me this… explaining everything… it changes nothing!"

Xemnas looked at Saïx in confusion. He didn't understand why Saïx was so angry. He never experienced so much anger and hatred directed at him. Saïx never, ever, looked at him with those scornful eyes. Those eyes were never meant for him. But at the same time they were.

"You… no! I don't understand any of this!"

"Saïx…" Xemnas began as he stood up as well, seeing that his boyfriend was ready to go on a tirade. So much pent up anger, he seemed like he was ready to explode any minute. He had to calm him down somehow. Xemnas tried to approach him to calm him but he was shoved away. Xemnas' eyes were wide in shock.

"I shouldn't have been a Nobody! It wasn't supposed to be this way! I was never meant to be here!" Xemnas continued to stare at Saïx with wide eyes as he shouted. "How could you do something like that!?"

Xemnas could only listen as his boyfriend ranted, and his eyes widened slightly when tears, tears of anger, began to build in his golden eyes. Saïx… he was so angry, so frustrated, and so hurt. Xemnas actually saw those emotions in his eyes. He saw Saïx's emotions. He couldn't feel, but he did. Maybe they were just illusions. Maybe he supposed to feel that way because he remembered feeling. Maybe Saïx thought he was intended to feel betrayed. Maybe Xemnas felt guilty because he was intended to?

There was no time to think about that. All that mattered was Saïx. He hurt him. And feeling hurt was never pleasant even without a heart. Would it hurt more since a Nobody is not meant to feel it?

Xemnas shook his head. That really didn't matter. Why couldn't he forget his study of the heart and human emotion for one second!?

When Xemnas tried again to approach him, Saïx stepped back away, shaking his head.

"I'm not a test subject. I'm not a lab rat for you scientist to toy with!" And with that Saïx tried to push his way past Xemnas but failed since Xemnas grabbed hold of his arms. Of course the angry nobody struggled.

"Don't. Let go!"

"Saïx, please stop," Xemnas nearly begged as Saïx fought against the Superiors iron grip.

"I said let go!" Saïx shouted one last time before falling to his knees in forfeit. And for the first time, ever, he began to sob. Xemnas was shocked, and witnessing this, he had realized the biggest mistake he made.

He broke his doll…

"How could you?" Saïx sobbed, "You all used me."

Hearing this, Xemnas felt something in the pit of stomach. He felt guilty. So guilty, it made him sick. Everything Saïx said, what he truly felt, made Xemnas feel mortified. Saïx was so right in so many ways. How could he have done such a thing?

"I had a heart… and I was robbed."

"Saïx…" Xemnas tried once more but Saïx yanked his hand away from his grasp and shouted again, telling him to leave him. He rose to his feet and backed away again, not wanting to be near Xemnas any longer.

"Don't… touch me," he said, his voice full of anger.

"Saïx, you can't possibly think that. I never meant to hurt you."