Title: From Here to Serenity
Author: Bastard Snow
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Buffy's fall through Glory's portal took her somewhere nobody had ever imagined. Now, it's up to Willow and Xander to get her back.
Disclaimer: I don't own either of these.
Author's Notes: Much, much thanks to Drake, without whom this story would not exist. Also, obviously, thanks to Joss Whedon for coming up with two universes that have nothing to do with each other. Makes it a challenge to make them have everything to do with each other.
Feedback: Yes, please!
The reaction hadn't been immediate. More immediate, of course, was getting the hell out of that mining colony and out into the relative safety of open space – on a direct route to Earth, but still open space. About an hour out of the mining colony, all hands were called to the mess for what would be called, if one were prone to understatement, a conversation.
"What in the hell is going on here?" Mal yelled. "We got freaksome bendy guys with blue hands and blue blood, Mr. Broadsword over here chopping heads off, and River is of a sudden some kinda superhero. Would somebody mind telling me what in the tyen shiao duh is happening on my gorram ship?"
Xander leaned over to Willow. "Did he just say 'teen chowder'?"
"Tyen shiao duh," Shepherd Book explained. "Um… 'What in the name of all that is holy,' or thereabouts."
"I'm still waiting here," Mal pointed out, "and I ain't exactly pleased about it."
"Cap'n, take a breath," Zoë advised. "I'm sure there's some sort of logical explanation for all o' this. One that'll be forthcoming any moment now." She looked pointedly at the interrogatees. "Right?"
"Certainly," Book said. Xander and Willow nodded as well. "Although, there are parts of it I'm a little fuzzy on. But I shall start with what I know."
"Why you, Preacher?" Jayne asked, waving a knife at Willow and Xander. "Why ain't one o' them talking, since they's the ones got us into this?"
"Because you all know me to be a man of my word," Book said. "As for our guests, well… let's just say the story's a stretch as it is. Comin' from them it might be more than you can believe."
"I don't know, Shepherd," Kaylee said. "I just seen some awful weird things down in that cargo hold."
"Not weird enough by half," Xander said.
"Can we get on with this?" Mal asked, tapping his foot impatiently.
Book nodded, then turned to the rest of the crew and explained the history of Earth as he, Xander, Willow and, apparently, Inara, knew it. He told them of demons, magic, Slayers, the Hellmouth. He told them of the Watchers, and the fight against evil. He told them how man lost the fight and fled to the stars, and of the pact the Alliance made with the demons. And he told them how he and his brethren were charged with keeping the secrets of the past.
When Book was done, the crew sat in silence, absorbing what he had told them. Mal sighed as though put upon, licked his lips and stood up. "So, then, you're tellin' me that River ain't the only nut I brought on my ship?"
"The evidence is right down in the hold, Captain," Book said, gesturing down the stairs. "And in River herself. You saw what she's capable of."
Simon looked directly at Xander and Willow. "What I don't get is where you two come in."
"Well, um… that's even more crazy," Willow said.
Xander grinned. "If you can believe that."
"Not two hours ago I saw my sister break a man's neck using only her thigh, and it turns out that man isn't even a human. There's… not a lot I can't believe right now."
Willow nodded. "Okay. We're from another dimension. Our friend jumped through a portal opened by a Hell Goddess in order to save the world. We found out that she ended up on the Earth in this dimension, and now we've hired you to take us there."
"And that's the dumbed down version," Xander added.
Simon blinked at them. "I was wrong. There are still some things I can't believe."
"Right about something else, though," Mal said.
"I was? Good. When?"
Mal turned to his mechanic. "Kaylee ain't right for judgin' what folks to bring on board."
"You said that?" Kaylee asked Simon, hurt.
"Well, technically… not quite that. I… suppose I can see how my comments could have been taken in that context."
Kaylee glared at him and stormed out of the kitchen.
"Kaylee, wait!" Simon called. He made to follow her, but was pressed back into his seat by a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see Book holding him down.
"Give her a minute, son."
"What?" Simon asked. "But you don't even –"
"Give her a minute," Xander said. "Trust me, my mouth has gotten me into worse places with my girlfriends."
"She's not my girlfriend," Simon said.
"Really?" Willow looked surprised. "Why not?"
"Well, we –"
"Quiet!" Mal yelled. "Now we got some talkin' to do, things more important than a hurt feelin' or two."
Xander nodded, sagely. "The problems of two people don't amount to a hill o' beans in this crazy world."
Mal looked at him oddly. "Right."
"So what do you need to know?" Xander asked.
"We go to your Earth, are we gonna be safe?"
"Are you ever?"
"We're usually dealing with things we can prepare for."
"Okay," Xander said. "So we'll prepare you as best we can. Here's what you need to know: shoot to kill, crosses work against vampires but not much else, and when all else fails, go for the eyes."
"That's it?"
"Not even remotely," Willow said. "But it is when we want to get there fast. And it's not like we have a better idea what we'll find. So far all we know about is these Harlanios guys, and you kill them but… well, violence."
"I've got a question," said Wash. "Your friend is on Earth. The… planet Earth. Which is a touch on the big side for a game of hide and seek, especially when the other players are trying to eat you."
"That wasn't a question," Willow pointed out.
"How are we going to find her?" Wash asked.
"Magic," Willow told him.
"Magic?"
"Yeah," Willow said. She held her hand out. She lifted the table two feet in the air, surprising Wash and Jayne, who both scrambled back from the table. "Magic."
Mal turned to her. "Impressive as movin' things with your brain is, it don't mean you can find your friend."
"Captain," said Book. "If she says she can do it, she can do it. Willow Rosenberg is one of the most powerful witches in recorded history."
"I am?"
Book nodded, adding a light shrug. "Yes. Although the truth is our records of such things are really not very good. But of the records we do have, you're right up at the top."
Willow wasn't quite sure how to react.
"Will," Xander said, "I think that was his idea of a joke."
"Sorry," said Book. "Do what I can."
Mal shook his head. "Okay, so we know it's dangerous. We're relying on some kinda mojo… wait a second, Shepherd. Ain't there somethin' in the Bible about witches?"
"It's allegorical."
"Really?" Mal asked.
"Certainly," Book confirmed.
"For real?" Xander asked.
"Would I be here, supporting a witch otherwise?" Book asked. "I assure you, I know the Bible better than anyone else here. That entire section is allegorical."
"So," Zoë spoke up, "when they said witches, they didn't actually mean witches?"
Book shook his head.
"What did they mean?" asked Wash.
Book patted the pilot on the shoulder and smiled. "That, son, is why I'm a Shepherd and you're not."
Mal shook his head. "Anyway. Demons, vampires and such. Evilness abounds, and who could blame you for fighting it. What I want to know is what guarantees you can give that me and mine are gonna come out of this ahead."
"None," said Willow. "But you don't want guarantees."
"I don't?"
Willow shook her head. "Guarantees mean no fun. And if you're gonna trash the Alliance like this, you want to have fun."
"Well… okay, you're not wrong. But I do want to know that we'll come out alive and at least repairable."
"I can't guarantee that, either. What I can tell you is this: anybody who goes down will do it in a good cause. The best. The fight against evil."
"It's a true cause," Book agreed. "Something worth believing in."
Mal crossed his arms and turned to Inara. "You knew about Earth-That-Was."
"Yes," she replied.
"And you voted to go."
"Yes."
"Why?" Mal asked.
"It seemed an opportune time," Inara explained. "I have disagreed with the Alliance's policy on this matter for a very long time."
"Have you now?"
"I have," she confirmed.
"But you supported Unification."
"I did, and I still do. I think the Alliance is the right thing for the galaxy. I just happen to disagree with some of their policies. It wasn't the entire alliance that messed with River's head, Mal, and not every person in it is trying to hold you down. Did you ever think about trying to change it from the inside out?"
Mal looked at her for a moment, then turned to Xander and Willow. "Folks, we'll take your words under advisement. I wanna talk to my people. Alone."
Simon sat forward. "Can I…?"
Mal rolled his eyes and waved the doctor off. "Go."
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"I wouldn't do that," Xander called. He was leaning against the railing on one of the catwalks in the cargo hold, looking down on Kaylee, who was poking one of the dead demons with her foot.
"Why?" Kaylee asked, backing away quickly. She looked scared. "Could they still be alive? Are they dangerous?"
"Extremely dangerous." Xander jumped down a couple stairs, then down to the floor of the hold. "Not to you, of course. But your shoes. Demon goo is especially hard to get out of clothes."
"Is that why you were so forceful about cleanin' off your sword after… cuttin' this one's head off?"
Xander nodded. "Just good maintenance. Also, Giles would kill me if I ruined one of his good weapons."
"They look so… human. Until, you know, they bleed."
"Or stretch their bodies thin as a sheet."
"Didn't know they did that."
Xander nodded.
"How do you do it?" Kaylee asked.
"Well, you've gotta get some wind-up, and then it's just kind of a swinging motion until you connect with the neck. Then it's just a matter of not stopping."
"I didn't mean –"
"I know what you meant." Xander shrugged. He and Kaylee walked towards the lounge outside the infirmary. "The truth is, it's a lot easier than you'd think. Not…not the fighting part. That sucks, because mostly, they're about four times stronger and three times faster than I am, and they don't concuss nearly as easily."
"So how do you do it? How do you put your life on the line all the time?"
"Because it's not about me. It's not about… what I'm doing or what I want or what I need. It's about protecting the people I love. My family. That's how."
"Really?"
"Well, someone's gotta do it."
Kaylee nodded and sat down on the couch. "I s'pose. Must be awful lonely, though."
Xander heard footsteps behind him and turned to see Willow leading Simon down the stairs.
"Because," Willow was telling him, "sometimes a girl likes to feel appreciated, even if it is awkward for you. Possibly especially if it's awkward for you. Sometimes… she just likes to feel someone's paying attention. In a good way."
"Not so much." Xander answered Kaylee, winking at Willow and turning back to the mechanic. "Just gotta know what's important."
Willow hooked her arm through his and they walked off, leaving a surprised Simon and Kaylee alone in the lounge.
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"We're going."
"Great!" Willow shouted. She jumped forward and threw her arms around Captain Reynolds, then seemed to realize what she was doing, pulled away and smoothed out her skirt.
"You ain't heard all I've got to say, yet. There's conditions."
Xander crossed his arms. "Okay."
"First, no more secrets. You tell us as much as you know about what we're gettin' in to, here. I ain't goin' into this thing 'less I feel I know what it's all about, or at least as much as you can tell me."
Xander nodded.
"Second, none of that crazy magic stuff until we get to Earth. Understand? I don't want it messin' with my equipment."
"What, like a cell phone on an airplane?" Xander asked.
The crew leveled blank, uncomprehending stares at him.
"Third," Mal continued, ignoring Xander's comment, "we get to ground, you do what I tell you. This is my crew, and my ship, and I won't be havin' any of this stuff where you just go off and do your thing. It's my rule here, and that's that. Else we c'n turn right around. Or maybe just leave you there."
"Yes, dad," said Xander.
Mal glared at him.
"Look, the first two I can guarantee you. But if it comes to saving my friend's life, I don't take orders from anyone. Except Giles. And Willow. And Buffy herself, actually. Riley. I suppose if Oz ever said anything. But not Cordelia or Angel, and not you either."
"Xander –" Willow started
"I understand that you want to save your friend. It's a noble thing, son. But you do anything to endanger me and mine and I'll put a bullet in you."
"Fine," Xander nodded. "But you do anything to stop me from helping my friend, and I'll have Willow send that bullet right back at you."
"Xander!" Willow tried again.
"Well, then, we might have a problem. See, I don't like going into situations I don't know where my people stand."
"Mal," Inara spoke up, "he's just trying to help his friend."
"You don't defend him," Mal said, pointing a finger at the companion. "You're half culpable in this, far as I'm concerned. You'n Book keepin' things like that, not lettin' us know what's out there."
Inara crossed her arms over her chest. "That's because it's not out there. It's all on Earth."
"I got two bodies in my hold tell otherwise. What, you just happened to forget all this fancy trainin' you got?"
"Oh please. Like you'd have believed me if I told you. You never believed in a thing in your life." Inara took a breath to calm herself down. "Unless it was useful to you."
"You don't know a thing about my life!" Mal shouted, his face red with anger.
Inara shot up from her chair, sending it scraping across the floor and getting into Mal's face. "I know plenty! I know you push people away just when they're trying to get close, and don't let anybody really know you, because you're a coward!"
"A coward, you say!"
"I do!" Inara yelled. "You're afraid that if you let anyone really know you, they won't like who they see, and you never take a chance!"
The two kept yelling at each other, their faces redder and redder.
"Jeez," Xander whispered to Willow. "It's like Sam and Diane."
Willow snorted. "It's like Xander and Cordelia."
Inara shoved away from the table and stormed off towards her shuttle. Xander and Willow both watched her go.
"Captain," Willow said, "you're a very layered individual."
"And I'm wondering if you have a broom closet," added Xander. Willow smacked him in the chest with the back of her hand. "Ow…"
Mal shifted his glare back to them. "Are we clear on the rules?"
"We are," Willow said, her eyes daring Xander to contradict her.
"Yeah," he grumbled.
"Good," Mal said to the crew. "Now, I suggest we all get some rest. We've got a pretty long trip ahead of us, and ain't no tellin' what's out there. Shepherd, Willow and Xander, I expect you to be well rested in the mornin' so you can start explainin 'xactly what it is goin' on, maybe make us all a little more prepared."
"Of course," Book agreed. Willow and Xander nodded silently and headed off for their quarters. Xander stepped into Willow's room and glared at her.
"What?" she asked.
"What? Will, I'm not agreeing to do what ever Captain Tightpants up there says. We get to Earth, we're going for Buffy, whether he thinks it's safe or not."
"Xander, I know." Willow sat on her bed. She patted the mattress, and Xander sat next to her.
"So why did you say we'll do what he says?"
"Because it doesn't matter," she told him.
"We need use of his ship, and we won't have that unless he agrees to it. That kind of matters to me."
"Xander," Willow sighed, "we need use of his ship to get there. We've got that. Leaving Earth is entirely up to me and my mojo. As soon as we've got Buffy, and make sure that the crew isn't going to die if we leave, we're out of there."
Xander considered this for a moment. "As in… it doesn't matter whether he lets us on the ship or not, because you're magicking us home and they're free to do what they want?"
"As in," she confirmed.
"So, you lied?"
"I lied."
Xander scratched his head. "Oh."
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End Chapter 9