I take the card from him, I don't know why, I don't want it but he's holding it out to me so I take it. It's crumpled as if it had been thrown into the rubbish and then fished out.
He's still looking at me and I feel unable to meet his gaze. His question hangs in the air between us as I run my thumb over the words on the card in my hand. I don't know what to say anymore, how to make things right, how to make him love me again.
I risk stealing a glimpse at his eyes and what I see there surprises me. The darkness is gone, replaced by the familiar startling blue that always made me weak at the knees, just as it is doing now. His eyes are glistening and I realise why as he blinks slowly and a single tear falls over his perfectly smooth cheek.
I have the urge to reach out and brush that tear away but I can't. It's like he's built a wall around himself and I no longer have the right to pass through. I no longer have the right to touch him.
I can see that he's hurting and I hate that I have caused it but I know I can stop the pain if only he would let me.
"I thought you were gone forever," his voice is a low whisper as he roughly wipes the tear from his face, "I thought we were finished… it took so long but I moved on… why come back? Why now?"
I want to hold him now more than ever. I want to hold him and kiss him and tell him that I love him but I know that's not enough. How many times in the past did I do those things? How many times did I say that I loved him and made promises to him that I couldn't keep? He deserves so much better and I wonder if I've done the wrong thing in returning. Would it have been better to have left him alone to carry on without me?
I know that I still haven't answered him, I haven't spoken since I sat down but all the words I had rehearsed on my way over seemed to be stuck in my throat.
"Craig why are you here?"
Hearing my name on his lips again tears at my heart. It always sounded so beautiful when he said it because he said it with such love but now my name sounds hard and cold like he's spitting it from his mouth.
"I wanted to see you." I don't know why I say that. It's a lie or if not a lie it's at least only a half-truth.
"Why now? Did you wait until I got my life back together?"
He's pleading with me for some kind of understanding and I don't know that I can give it. Then I wonder if he thinks that I knew about Alan, is it possible that he thinks I deliberately came back to spoil things for him?
Why can't I speak? Why can't I just grab him and tell him all the things that I've wanted to say for the last year and a half? Why can't he see the truth in my eyes as easily as I can see the pain in his?
"I didn't…" I try to get the words out but they stubbornly refuse to come.
"I'm with Alan now," his tone is firm like he's made up his mind, "You're too late Craig, we can't go back… not anymore… too much has happened."
"Do you love him?" I don't mean to ask that question and I'm afraid to know what the answer will be.
"You've got no right to ask me that."
I know that I have no right, but I ask it all the same. "Do you?"
He closes his eyes and I don't know if it is to block out the sight of me or to recall the face of his boyfriend.
"Don't do this Craig… please." I can see fresh tears escaping from beneath his closed eyelids and each teardrop causes me pain.
"Tell me that you love him and I'll walk away… tell me that you don't care about me anymore, let me know that I don't have anything to hold on to."
He turns his eyes to me and they are heavy with unshed tears.
"I can't."
He says it so quietly that I hardly hear but at the same time it sounds like the most beautiful song ever composed. How can two words change everything so completely?
"I'm so sorry for everything John Paul," I say softly taking his hand. It's the first time I've touched him since sitting down and I'm surprised by how much he is trembling. "I know that I've hurt you in the past… I've let you down… but I know who I am now… I've stopped being afraid, please just give me a chance to prove it."
"I don't know…" His fingers curl tightly around mine like he's desperately trying to hold on to my words, to make them real.
"I love you." I've said that to him so many times but I've never meant it as much as I do at that moment. I would do anything he asked just to be able to hold him again, I would gladly sell my soul to be able to see him smile.
"But what if…" I can see he's fighting with the confusion inside him and I understand. I'd been planning my return to Hollyoaks for so long, I had time to be certain of what I felt, of what I wanted, but my arrival was a complete surprise to him and I knew that I had to let him have time to think. I needed him to be certain that he still wanted me because this time it had to be for keeps.
I get to my feel and pull him up after me. I slip my arms around his waist and hold him close, resting my head on his shoulder and breathing in deeply the scent of him. He returns my embrace pulling me tightly into his arms. He's still trembling as I press my lips into the warmth of his neck.
"I love you so much," I whisper into his ear.
I know that I have to let go but in truth I want to hold onto him for the rest of my life. I want to keep him safe from the world and protect him from anything that might ever hurt him again.
I force myself to step back, dropping my arms from around him. I see the card still in my grip.
I touch my hand to his chest and I can feel his heart racing beneath it.
"J'entend ton coeur," I say to him.
He takes my hand and kisses softly at my fingertips. "I can always hear your heart," he says with a smile and the warmth of his smile wraps comfortingly around me.
I have to make myself walk away now when all I want to do his hold him and kiss him.
I touch my hand to his cheek, it's still damp from his tears and without realising what I'm doing I press my lips softly against his mouth.
He tries to pull me into a deeper kiss but I resist, it takes every ounce of strength that I have but I know I have to do the right thing. We've acted on instinct too often in the past with disastrous consequences and I won't let that happen again.
"Call me when you're ready," I tell him as I start to walk away. "I'll wait a lifetime if I have to John Paul… as long as you call."
"I'm not sure…" his voice is shaking with the threat of more tears, "I still love you but…"
"Be sure," I tell him, "be sure and then call me… I'll never let you down again."
Walking away hurts so much and I wonder if it hurt him this much the day he left me at the airport. I have to turn around for one last look and he's still stood there. His arms are wrapped around himself as he watches me leave.
I take a deep breath and walk on hoping that it won't be too long before he calls.
The day seems to drag. I offer to work in the pub in an attempt to keep my mind off him but it doesn't help. Every time the door opens I look up in the hope that he's come to see me and every time I'm disappointed. My phone is jammed deep into the pocket of my jeans so that I don't miss the call when it comes. IF it comes.
I'm holding a case of mixers when I feel the vibration in my pocket and the shock makes me drop them. The bottles clatter loudly to the floor but thankfully they don't break. I mouth an apology to Jack as I pull my phone from its hiding place.
My hands are shaking as I access my messages but my heart soon sinks when I discover that it isn't from him.
It's not that I'm not happy to hear from Niall. He's been a good friend to me in Dublin, the best I've got over there and it was Niall who encouraged me to try and win John Paul back. But his timing could have been better.
I press read and the screen lights up with his message.
"Hey mate. How's it going? You swept JP off his feet yet?"
I can't help but smile. Had I really been that confident when I left Dublin? Had I been that certain that John Paul would welcome me back without question, without hesitation?
I quickly key in my reply and hit send.
"He's met someone else. But he still loves me. Not given up."
Niall's reply arrives swiftly. "You'll win him back. How can he resist. Praying for you mate."
I send my thanks to him and push the phone back into my pocket. Where IS John Paul, what's taking him so long. Looking at my watch I realise it's only been two hours since I saw him. I really was going to have to learn to be patient. After all, I told myself, he's worth the wait.
Eventually the hustle and bustle of the pub distracts me, so much so that I don't even notice when John Paul arrives. I'm serving a customer when Jack nudges me out of the way offering to take over. I look at him quizzically until he nods towards the other end of the bar.
My heart leaps in my chest when I see John Paul there. He's turning a beer mat over and over in his hands, he isn't looking at me and I can't help but fear the worst.
I approach him with a smile and he still doesn't meet my gaze. My heart is racing now but I try to keep calm as I ask him to come to the flat with me where we can talk.
When we get upstairs I put the kettle on and start to make tea. I don't want a drink and I haven't even asked if he does but I need something to do. I need a reason not to look at him because I can't stand to see him avoiding my gaze again; I have to hold on to the hope that he's here to tell me he still wants me, at least for a few more minutes.
"Do you still drink it the same?" I ask with forced cheerfulness as I drop the teabags into the cups.
"Craig." John Paul's hand covers mine halting my progress and I know what he's about to say with such certainty that I have the urge to turn and run just so I don't have to hear the words.
I finally turn to look at him. His eyes are wide and such a deep mysterious blue that I feel as if I'm falling into them. I'm falling and I don't know if I will ever be able to stop, I don't know if I want to stop.
John Paul's hand is still tight around mine and I can see that he is struggling to find the words that I don't want to hear.
"John Paul please…" I don't know if I'm pleading with him to hurt me quickly or to change his mind and give me another chance.
"I'm sorry Craig." I shake my head trying not to let his words get through but I can't stop them and they pierce my chest.
"Why?"
He lets go of my hand and I instantly mourn the loss, afraid that it might be the last time he ever touches me. He turns his back on me and I can see his hands moving over his face.
"I can't take the chance." John Paul's voice is low and confused but I understand what he's saying. He can't take the chance on ME.
"But things are different now," I say trying to convince him, "I'm different… just let me show you."
"I waited for two years Craig, where were you?"
"Eighteen months," I correct as if that matters.
John Paul laughs but there is no joy in the sound. "Two years, eighteen months, six months, what difference does it make? All that time and nothing… no call, no letter, no text… you can't just walk back now and expect me to be waiting… it's too late."
"I wasn't ready then," I try to explain, "I had to wait, I had to be sure that I could be the person I am, the person you wanted me to be… and I am now, I can be… all I need it to be able to prove it to you."
He faces me again and I can see the pain in his eyes. "Too many times Craig," he says sadly, "too many promises… with Alan it's…"
He doesn't seem to be able to find the words to finish so I finish for him. "Safe." I try to hide the bitterness in my voice but I know John Paul can hear it, he knows me too well.
"Sometimes safe can be good," he replies, "Alan is kind and loving and he cares about me… he'd never hurt me."
"And what about passion John Paul? What about love, desire? What about the truth?"
"I'm sorry." I know he's about to leave and I don't know how to stop him. For eighteen months I've been dreaming about the day I would return to Hollyoaks and win back the only person I've every really loved. For eighteen months I'd held the hope close to my heart that we will be together again. And now, with every second, I can see the dream dying and I am powerless to save it.
I touch my hand to John Paul's arm, it's trembling under my touch and I grip it tightly.
"I love you." There's nothing else I can say and I know that isn't enough. I let my hand fall as I prepare to see John Paul walk out of my life again.
His kiss is so sudden that it chases the air from my lungs as he pins me against the wall.
His mouth is hot and desperate and he kisses me with a passion that I recognise all too well. A passion born of being apart for so long. I return his kiss deeply, savouring the curve of his muscles as I run my hands over his arms before grabbing his buttocks and pulling him hard against me. I need him so much that every inch of my body aches with longing.
John Paul's mouth travels to my neck, his teeth bite deeply into the flesh and my body shivers with the mixture of pleasure and pain. I feel as if he is trying to devour me and I am a more than willing victim.
"I'm sorry, I can't." John Paul's words are whispered in my ear and then he pulls away from me.
"I love you." I say it again but this time he keeps moving back.
"I'm sorry," he repeats, "But it isn't enough."
John Paul turns and runs from the room and, as the door closes behind him, I sink to the floor. I don't think I have ever felt so alone in my life, not even when he left me at the airport because this time he has taken all of my hope with him.
The tears run over my cheeks. I can still feel the pressure of his mouth against mine. I can still taste his skin on my lips and I can still smell his fragrance in my nostrils.
"I love you," I whisper to the empty room but it isn't enough. It was never enough.