I spend the next three days in my room. Where else is there for me to be, what else is there for me to do? I came home to be with John Paul and now that has been taken from me I feel like I have nothing left to make any effort for.

Despite being in the same village as him I have never felt further away from John Paul before. Even when I was in Dublin he seemed closer because I had the hope of our reunion to keep him in my heart. Now he feels like he's a million miles away and I'm left behind completely empty.

The one thing that finally gets me out of the flat is my mother's unending sympathy. No matter how many times she tells me how sorry she is I can see the truth in her eyes. I can see the relief that I'm not back with John Paul and the sight makes me nauseous. I can't believe that she would rather see me suffer this way than have to face the "embarrassment" of her son's gay relationship. I can't believe that my pain is less important than what other people think. I have to get away from her before I say something I might regret.

The streets of Hollyoaks seem cold today even though the sun is shining brightly and I know that the chill is deep within me.

I somehow end up back at the fountain. I think every resident of the village has sat beside this fountain at one time in their lives. There is something comforting about the statue that stands tall and proud in its centre and one by one we all bring our problems to her. We offer up our hurt and our tears, our anger and our confusion and sometimes we come just to confess our love. She listens to us all in turn and never judges, never condemns and if you're lucky she shows you the way. But only if you're lucky and only if you listen really carefully.

I guess today I'm not one of the lucky ones. No matter how long I sit there staring at her I only get silence in return.

The cold stone bench is starting to numb my flesh and I know I should move but I have no idea where to go. I get to my feet and stretch out the muscles that have tensed from sitting still for so long. I look up at the statue one more time but she still has no words of wisdom for me.

As I begin to walk away from the fountain I see something that stops me dead in my tracks. I see John Paul walking past Il Gnosh. The sight of him after only a few days makes the sunshine that bit warmer and the pain in my chest that bit sharper.

I open my mouth to call out to him but I stop myself when I see Alan coming out of Drive n Buy. He slips an arm around John Paul's shoulders and kisses him. I want to scream, I want to run over and tear them apart, I want to stand where Alan is standing and claim John Paul's lips for myself. But I do none of those things I just stand and watch.

I don't know if he can feel me looking or if we still have that instinct between us that we once had but, as John Paul passes, he turns his head and looks directly at me. Our eyes lock for a split second and in that instant I know what it is that I have lost. A look of sadness clouds John Paul's eyes and then he looks away and carries on walking, Alan's arm still draped infuriatingly over his shoulders.

"Just look back once," I whisper to myself, "If you look back once it means you still want me."

As I watch him John Paul's footsteps seem to falter and he pauses to turn and look back at me, my heart races with my own fabricated logic that this means he still wants me.

He says something to Alan and the man kisses John Paul's cheek before continuing on his journey alone. John Paul stands watching him leave for a moment and then is walking over to the fountain. Walking over to me.

I don't move as he approaches. I don't think I even breath. I just watch as he gets closer and I can see the brightness shining in his eyes.

"Craig." He sounds a little awkward and I smile to let him know everything is OK.

"John Paul."

"You OK?"

"Fine." I wonder if he has any idea how much of a lie is contained in that one word.

"I was gonna come and see you later." John Paul is looking down at his feet as he speaks and I have the urge to stroke his face.

"You were?" I know I shouldn't get my hopes up but how can I not when he tells me that, when he sent Alan away?

John Paul's hand pushes into his trouser pocket. He grabs for my hand and places something in it, curling my fist around it.

"I thought I should give you this back."

I look down at my fist and see the watch that is resting in it. The back of the watch shines brightly and the engraved words catch the sunlight "Love Always."

I turn my eyes to him and I can see the pain in his gaze.

"No," I tell him trying to push the watch back at him, "I gave you this because I wanted you to have it."

"I can't Craig," John Paul replies sadly, "It doesn't feel right… it belongs to your family…"

"It belongs to you." I shove the watch into his jacket pocket and step back so that he can't return it to me.

"I'm sorry Craig," he says taking the watch from his pocket and laying it down on the bench, "Really I am."

John Paul looks at me for a few seconds and I can see in his eyes the promise of what we could have had if only I had been strong enough to fight for him sooner. He walks away and this time he doesn't stop and he doesn't look back.

I pick up the watch and turn it over in my hands. I almost smash it to the ground but something stops me and I slip it into my pocket.

I look up at the statue in the centre of the fountain and beg for her help. "What do I do now?"

I can hear the whisper of the breeze and the bubble of the water and then, ever so quietly under it all, I feel like I hear a voice. "Fight harder."

I sink my hands into the warmth of my pockets and curl my fingers around the watch as I head back to The Dog determined to fasten it around John Paul's wrist again.

You see the thing is I don't actually hate Alan. I don't wish him ill or harm. In fact he barely registers with me at all. He doesn't seem to be a terrible guy but he doesn't seem to be anything special either. He's just THERE, where I should be and of course I resent him for that. I suppose I almost understood what John Paul saw in Spike. He was confident when John Paul needed that kind of reassurance in his life and, if I'm being totally honest, I have to admit he's not that bad looking.

But Alan, he's just so… so ordinary. He's not special and John Paul deserves special, he deserves someone who will make magic for him, change the world for him, do anything just to make him smile and I really can't see Alan being a someone like that! Of course I'm not trying to say that I am special, but I would certainly do everything I could to make him happy, if he would let me.

And I can't say that it's Alan standing between John Paul and me because that's not the case.

I know what we had runs far deeper than anything John Paul feels for this intruder and if I can only convince him that we can have that again, that we can have better than before, well I know that John Paul will walk away from that other man.

In truth the only thing standing in the way of John Paul and me is John Paul. I can understand why he's still having trouble believing me, trusting me, after everything that I put him through in the past. After all the promises I made and couldn't keep, after all the times I forced him into being my guilty secret. Why should he be convinced that I've changed because of one kiss? Why should he trust that I wont go back to hiding in corners and worrying about what people think?

So I have to convince him. I have to make him believe that this time I mean what I say and I can do what I promise. But first I have to make him listen; I have to make him hear what I say... I have to do something big get his attention.

I have two things on the cabinet beside my bed now. One is the photograph of John Paul and the other is the watch. Two things to remind me what I'm fighting for – the man I love and the promise that that love is for always.

I can't help but laugh when the idea comes to me. It's ridiculous, impractical and so very un-me that there is no way I could pull it off. Why I even mention my idea to Steph is beyond me and before I know it she is putting my plan into force, organising everything down to the smallest detail. But there is one detail she can't organise. The whole thing hinges on John Paul being in the Dog and I don't know if or when that is going to happen again. Naturally Steph brushes this off as a minor point and, without having time to object, I find myself waiting poised for the next time that beautiful blue-eyed boy walks into the bar.

For five days I wait. Sometime I serve behind the bar, sometimes I clear tables and sometimes I just wait. For five days John Paul McQueen doesn't step a foot inside The Dog in the Pond and I begin to give up hope, maybe he is deliberately avoiding the place, avoiding me.

For five days there is nothing and then, without warning, without fanfare or announcement he's there. I'm behind the bar when I see him and I dive out of sight the instant I spot his face. I take a moment to hover behind the door like I had done when I first got home. I stand there long enough to see that John Paul isn't alone, he's with Alan and that makes me hesitate. Do I really want to do this in front of John Paul's boyfriend? And then I realise that maybe that's exactly what I do need to do. If I'm going to fight for him I need to fight every obstacle in my way.

Steph smiles at me with a excited grin and it does nothing to calm my nerves, just like her "pep talk" does nothing to take away the growing sense of nausea in my stomach. I wonder if it's not too late to back out when she leans into my ear and whispers "It's show time…" And I know, it's far too late to back out and I walk slowly back into the bar ready to humiliate myself in front of the man I love.

You wouldn't think I came from the same gene pool as Steph or Debbie, you wouldn't think that I was my mother's son. This was their world, not mine, and as I stood on the small raised "stage" area in the corner of the bar I had a new found respect for the women in my family.

I am still hidden in half shadows and I can see John Paul. He's sitting at a table with Alan and they look engrossed in their conversation. I worry for a moment that he won't even notice me.

And then it's too late to worry any more.

Behind the bar Steph flicks the light switch and a sudden brightness hits my eyes. I blink uncomfortably in it as I realise I can no longer see most of the bar.

Another flick of a switch and music begins. The cordless microphone feels slippery in my sweat-drenched hands and I take a deep breath.

A hush falls over the room at this unannounced entertainment and I miss the cue to begin. I'm not a natural singer and I don't even know if I can carry a tune, but this isn't about being good, it's about making the effort. It's about letting John Paul know that I will do just about anything to win him back.

Steph stops the music and resets it back to the start and this time I'm ready. I've got nothing to lose apart from my dignity and John Paul is worth that sacrifice.

Another deep breath and I am suddenly calm. I know my choice of song is unusual for me. I know it's not something that John Paul would normally choose to listen to. But I think it says everything that I want to tell him and I can only hope and pray that he's ready to listen.

I open my mouth slowly and the words start to pour out.

"Blue eyes, baby's got blue eyes, like a deep blue sea, on a blue blue day…"

As I sing I start to walk slowly forwards, moving out into the room as my confidence grows. I can feel all eyes following me but the only eyes I am interested in are the ones I'm singing about and as I approach I can see him staring at me in amazement.

"Blue eyes, holding back the tears, holding back the pain, baby's got blue eyes, and he's alone again…"

John Paul shakes his head in wonder and I can see the brightness of his blue eyes shimmering with amusement. I see a movement to one side and I think, or maybe I hope, that it's Alan leaving but I don't turn my head to check, I can't break away from the gaze that is holding mine so completely.

"Baby's got blue eyes, like a clear blue sky, watching over me. Blue eyes, I love blue eyes, when I'm by his side, where I long to be, I will see, blue eyes laughing in the sun, laughing in the rain, baby's got blue eyes, and I am home and I am home again."

As the music fades I hear a small ripple of amused applause but I pay no attention to it. The microphone is still close to my mouth as I speak.

"I love you John Paul… tell me what I have to do to convince you and I'll do it… tell me what I can do to win you back."

"Oh you've gotta give him a chance after making an idiot of himself like that," a voice behind me calls out and I raise my eyebrows to John Paul.

His smile is so wide as he looks at me and I can see he's laughing as he gets to his feet.

"Well?" I ask.

"Turn the microphone off," he whispers back to me.

I switch off the microphone and my voice returns to its normal volume.

"I can't believe you just did that," John Paul says still laughing.

"But did it do any good?" He's still smiling at me and that has to be a good sign. And his eyes, those amazing blue eyes, they have a look in them that I remember so well.

"You're crazy," he replies.

"I know," I tell him, "Being without you is driving me crazy… tell me I haven't just embarrassed myself for nothing."

Seeming to remember that he hadn't been alone John Paul turns his head to where Alan had been sitting.

"I think he's gone," I tell him.

"You're timing's pretty lousy Craig," he tells me and as he speaks he rests his hand on my arm.

"How d'you mean?"

"Well here I am breaking up with Alan and suddenly some other guy is singing me a love song…"

"You were breaking up with him...?"

John Paul takes a step towards me; his hand skims over my arm until it rests on my shoulder.

"I tried to convince myself he was what I wanted," John Paul explains, "But I couldn't stop thinking about someone else… someone that I loved more than anything…"

"Me?"

"You!"

I smile and my heart feels ready to explode with happiness and then a realisation hits me.

"So I just made a complete fool of myself for no reason then?"

John Paul laughs harder and nods. "I was about to come and tell you that I still love you…"

I have to join in with his laughter, I'm far too happy not to and what is a bit of humiliation when you've just won back the love of your life?

"Craig? You do really mean it this time don't you? No more secrets… no more sneaking around… no more shame…"

I flick the microphone back on and turn to face the crowded bar.

"Ladies and gentlemen," I announced loudly, "Some of you know me and those who don't my name is Craig Dean and this gorgeous bloke beside me is John Paul McQueen and I just want to let you all know that I love him very much," I turn back to John Paul and he's smiling at me. "I love him with all my heart," I say before dropping the microphone onto a table and pulling him into my arms.

This time when we kiss he doesn't push me away. His arms circle me tightly and he holds me with all his strength.

There is another ripple of applause through the room but I pay it no attention as John Paul's mouth presses hotly against mine and I lose myself in his kiss.

John Paul is holding me so close that I can feel every curve of his body as his mouth kisses the life back into me, the life I don't have when I am anywhere but by his side. I can feel his tongue brushing against my lips and I part them pulling it into my mouth, the taste of him reawakening so many of my senses that it makes my head spin. I grip onto him tighter, trying desperately to get closer to him, to blend our bodies into one so that I never have to be away from him again. I can feel his chest heaving against mine and I know by the pressure of his groin that he is as aroused as I am.

"Get a room," Darren's voice laughs behind us and I break away from the overwhelming passion of John Paul's kiss with a start. I had totally forgotten where we were and I feel a flush rise to my cheeks as I realise what I might have done if Darren hadn't interrupted us.

As I look into the depths of John Paul's startlingly blue eyes I know that he is feeling everything that I am, I know that he wants me and that knowledge is the most exciting feeling in the world.

"I know you want to be more open about our relationship in the future," I whisper into John Paul's ear, "But d'you think maybe we ought to take this somewhere a bit more private now?"

John Paul simply nods and slips his hand into mine, allowing me to lead him from the centre of the pub and through the doorway to the flat.

I don't think I've ever climbed those stairs faster as the need for the privacy of my bedroom sends us both dashing up them two at a time, slamming the door behind us and reaching for each other again.

His clothes infuriate me as I tear at them, I'm sure I hear buttons scattering across the room but neither of us cares as I pull his shirt off over his head and press my mouth to his bare chest. His skin is warm beneath my lips and the scent of him fills my head. I swirl my tongue around one of his nipples and he moans softly, sinking his fingers into my hair as I bite him gently. I love the way his body responds to my every touch just as mine does to his. No one could ever turn me on so quickly or so completely and I know that I do the same to him. I can't imagine ever wanting anyone else this much and I wouldn't want to, he's all I need and I never intend to let him go again.

My hands fumble with his belt but it is unwilling to allow me access, the harder I try the more stubborn it seems to become until I am ready to scream in frustration.

The soft sound of John Paul's laugh breaks the building tension in the room.

"Shall I do that?" he asks with a giggle, "You don't seem to be having much luck."

I can feel the smile on my lips as I step back from him and he slips his belt buckle open with an ease that seemed to elude me. I pull my t-shirt over my head before moving back towards him, the feel of his naked chest against mine sends electricity through my skin and his hands claw at my back as our mouths collide again.

With the puzzle of his belt buckle solved I easy slip my hand into his jeans and behind the soft cotton of his boxers to locate the treasure I'd been waiting for.

John Paul moans loudly, pulling me closer to him as I run my hand softly over the length of his cock. His head falls back to rest against the door as I continue to caress him, circling my thumb over the head of his cock as it throbs heavily in my hand.

There was a time when I would have denied wanting to do such a thing with another man, a time when I could never have seen the pleasure in touching a man this way, in making him want me to completely. But then there was no other man like John Paul and certainly no other man that could make me feel the way he does.

I sink my teeth into the soft skin of his neck as I continue to stroke the firmness of his erection making him groan with a mixture of pleasure and pain and the sound makes me ache for him even more.

"I want you so much," I pant hotly into his ear.

He grabs my shoulders and pushes me back and for a second I think that he's changed his mind, but then I see the look in his eyes. The brilliant blue smoulders with such passion that I can feel myself melt under his gaze and I forget how to breathe, how to think, I forget everything but how desperately I want him.

John Paul's hands are still on my shoulders and we are continuing to move backwards, it's not until the back of my legs collide with my bed that my mind focuses enough to realise our destination and by then it's too late as I am overbalanced and topple gracelessly onto the mattress.

Under different circumstances this would have left us in fits of laughter but not right now. John Paul is already pulling my trousers from my body before I even manage to right myself on the bed and by the time I've made my way to the centre he has managed to strip himself and climbs next to me.

He approaches me on all fours like a wild animal stalking its prey and I am powerless to resist, not that I would have any intentions of doing so.

I lie motionless as he climbs up my body, stopping with his knees on either side of my hips and his hands pressing down on my shoulders, pinning me against the softness of the mattress beneath me.

"Tell me you love me," John Paul says burning his gaze into my eyes. It's not a request but a demand and I gladly comply.

"I do," I tell him reaching up to touch his face, "I love you… more than… more than anything…"

My answer seems to satisfy him and he lowers himself to me, pressing his mouth hard against mine as I wrap myself around his body. I can feel John Paul's solid cock pressing into my belly, just as mine is straining towards him and I raise myself up, rocking slightly against the weight of him on top of me, causing a delicious friction between us that makes us both groan loudly.

"I want you to fuck me," John Paul says into my mouth. I don't think he's ever said that to me before and the sound of it is almost enough to make me come there and then.

Raising himself back to his knees John Paul looks down on me as he sits on his feet, his eyes are dark with lust, as I know mine must be as he runs a single finger down my chest and over my belly until it reaches my cock.

I gasp as his hand brushes over my desperate erection and I want him to take a hold of it but his hand just skims over its length and then strokes over my balls making me moan even more.

"I want you right now," John Paul growls and I don't know if he's talking to me or directly to my cock.

Spitting on his hand John Paul covers my cock with his saliva, covering its head slowly making me dig my fingers deep into the bed covers as his hand moves over me. He spreads his spit and my precum in slow deliberate circles until he can't wait any longer, and neither can I.

Lifting himself up slightly John Paul shuffles forward a few inches and then lowers back down. My cock slips between his buttock and he moves against it for a few strokes, letting it slide gently between them and brushing past the delicious opening nestled between.

Gripping my cock with one hand John Paul guides it into position and pushes his body against me. I remain motionless letting him decide the pace as he lowers his body down onto me. There is initial resistance but then his body submits to me and allows me entrance. The heat of his flesh slowly envelopes my cock as John Paul eases himself ever lower and I grip hold of his thighs breathing heavily as more and more of my cock is consumed by him until I am entirely within him and he is sat fully against my lap.

"God I'd forgotten how good you feel," I told him and I mean it. For eighteen months there had been no one else and now I know what I had been waiting for, now I know that it was worth the wait.

John Paul wraps his fingers into mine as he begins to rise against me, a slow steady pace that drives my cock deep into him before pulling out almost completely and then plunging back inside again. The feel of his body wrapped around my cock is pure perfection, his silky flesh caresses every inch of it and I have to hold myself back from coming too soon as I want this moment to last as long as possible.

John Paul leans forward to kiss me, pushing my hands above my head; his mouth is hot as he delves his tongue into me, tasting every inch of my mouth with a frantic hunger as he starts to ride me faster.

We are both panting heavily, sweat coating our brows as our bodies' race towards their final crescendos. I let go of one of his hands to reach between us and take a firm hold of his cock. It's harder than ever and it pulses enthusiastically in my grip and I stroke it, running my hand over its length, passing my thumb over its so sensitive head and making John Paul moan with pleasure as I match my hand with the speed and rhythm of my cock driving into him.

John Paul pulls himself upright again with an urgency and I lift my hips to meet his every descent. The sound of our flesh colliding fills the room, mingling with the ever-increasing sounds of our moans as we move faster. My cock is slamming hard into John Paul as he pushes himself forcefully onto it, crying out every time it hits that perfect spot, pleasuring him more and more until he can't resist the pleading of his own flesh.

Crying out my name and urging me to fuck him harder John Paul comes, his hot lust spatters over my hand and covers my belly as he throws his head back in ecstasy.

I can't hold back any longer, the sight and sound of his climax and the feel of his tight body contracting around my cock is more than any sane person can ignore and within seconds the sounds of my own orgasm are screaming into the room as my cock pumps its load deep into him again and again until I have nothing left to give.

John Paul collapses against my in exhaustion. Our bodies stick together with sweat and semen but neither of us care because we are together again.

Some time later, after we have caught our breath, cleaned ourselves up and climbed beneath the duvet John Paul is lying in my arms. I'd been dreaming of this moment for so long but the dream was a pale imitation of this wondrous reality and I know that I will never do anything to spoil things between us again. I know that I would do anything in my power to keep him by my side. I know that I love him more than my own life.

John Paul traces a soft finger over my skin and then kisses my chest gently.

"J'entend ton Coeur," he whispers to me.

"What does it say?" I ask him.

John Paul looks up at me with a deep smile and his eyes sparkle with a love I have never known before.

"It say's that you love me," he says gently.

"It's telling the truth," I reply stroking his soft cheek with my hand and leaning down to kiss him, "I do love you."

"I love you too," John Paul says as he leans his head back against my chest to listen to my heart beat for him again. It will only ever beat for him from now on.