"How have you been sleeping, Spencer?" Dr. Foster asked. "Have the nightmares dissipated?"
"No, they haven't," Spencer replied.
"What has changed in the past week?"
Spencer looked around the plush office. She noted the mahogany furniture and the blue patterned wallpaper surrounding her before speaking. "After our last appointment, my mother and I had a fight about Ashley. It was the usual; her telling me that Ashley is dead and gone, me telling her that things don't seem to add up..but I think I'm trying to accept that Ashley is really gone."
Dr. Foster nodded in understanding. "How does that make you feel, Spencer?"
The blonde sighed and picked at her fingernails before responding, "I have mixed feelings about it."
-----
"Hey, Spence!" Spencer heard her girlfriend yell up the stairs.
"Yeah, baby?"
"Let's go jump into the pool with all our clothes on!" Ashley answered.
Spencer laughed and said, "Ashley, you're crazy. I love you, but you're crazy."
Ashley came bounding up the steps and into her own bedroom where Spencer lay on her bed reading a book. "Babe, it's a wonderful Sunday afternoon, and you're in my bed reading," Ashley spoke.
"Wait, wait...you actually know what reading is? Oh, sweetheart, I'm so proud of you!" Spencer said with a laugh.
"Let's see how funny you think you are, Carlin, when I'm kicking your ass!" Ashley said as she pounced on Spencer's lying form. They wrestled for a bit until Ashley finally had Spencer pinned, holding the blonde's wrists against the sheets above her head. "Spencer?"
"Yeah, Ash?"
"You are so fucking beautiful...and you don't even know it," Ashley whispered.
"Not like you, babe," Spencer replied.
"That's right, because you are so much more," Ashley said before leaning down and brushing her lips against her girlfriend's. "I love you so damn much, gorgeous. More than anything. Never forget that."
"I love you too, baby, and I won't," Spencer said with a beaming smile.
-----
"Tell me what you were thinking about," he asked kindly.
"I think it was around October of 2006...I was lying in Ashley's bed when she randomly suggested we jump into the pool fully clothed," Spencer said with a chuckle. "Ashley had a knack for spontaneity."
"So, Spencer, tell me about your life," he said.
"Well, um, I just graduated from UCLA in May with a degree in English. I have two brothers: Glen, who is a police officer and Clay, who is an Engineer. I grew up in Ohio and moved to California during my Senior year. My father is a great man; my mother is, simply but, a crazy, controlling bitch. They divorced two years ago," Spencer replied.
Dr. Foster smiled and removed his glasses. "Very informative, Spencer."
"I know this will sound terrible, but most of my life dealt with Ashley. Since her disappearance, I've thrown myself into school and my internships and pushed her to the back of my mind. I never gave myself the time to grieve, so now it's all catching up on me. And something feels so terribly off," Spencer replied.
"When and how did you meet?"
"I moved to L.A. in mid-November of my senior year in high school--2005. Ashley and I shared most of our classes that trimester, so they made her my tour guide. We clicked instantly and soon we were inseperable. I fell so head over heels in love with her the second I saw her, can you believe that? But I think everyone did. She was so beautiful...she carried such an sense of understanding and she was so quick-witted. She was brilliant, absolutely brilliant," Spencer said with a smile.
"How did she feel about you?"
"Well, I was never sure until one January night. We were laying in her bed; my head on her shoulder. She used to trace patterns on my back under my shirt and I loved that so much...but that night, she looked at me and told me there was something I needed to know, because she couldn't hold it in any longer. That something was that she was in love with me; so in love with me. I didn't believe her at first. I mean, how could a girl like that ever love a girl like me?
"But when she kissed me, I knew. I just knew. Ashley had never been less than honest with me. She loathed dishonesty. But anyway, after that, Ashley and I became an us," Spencer answered.
"How long were you together before she disappeared?" Dr. Foster questioned.
"Officially? Over a year and a half."
"Did you two have a strong relationship?"
"Yeah, I believe we did. Ashley's dad died soon after that night...that tore her apart. We hit a rocky patch, but we came out stronger than before. Ashley turned eighteen that March; came into her inheritance. Her father left her and Kyla twenty-five million dollars each. She bought a beach house...which is where I live now. But Ashley and I...we were something else. Something amazing and incredible. God, she was my fucking everything," Spencer said.
"You currently live in her house?"
"Yeah, Ashley left everything to me. I never even knew she had made a will...but I can't bear to leave that house. It's the closest I can come to having her around," Spencer replied.
"Could you tell me about the fight?"
"It began as an empty fight, really. Ashley was having terrible writer's block and it frustrated her. Ashley would always let things boil up inside of her. But on top of that, I was frustrated because of working longs hours for my internship, dealing with my mother and Ashley's temper tantrums. We bickered and argued constantly. We had a lot of make-up sex," Spencer said with a chuckle.
"Then, all of sudden, I realized I was screaming. The worst part? I couldn't stop. I told her we were really done," Spencer said with a sniffle. "I told her I never wanted to see her again. She was sobbing. And because I was so fucking proud and so angry, I didn't back down. By the time I realized that I said such terrible things, she was gone. It was maybe six hours, I think. Six hours was all it took to lose my girlfriend, my love, forever."
-----
"Spencer, tell me you don't mean those things," Ashley said between choked sobs.
"Ashley, I can't deal with you," Spencer said. "I barely see you. When I do, we're fighting. We haven't even.had sex in three weeks because you're always in that God damn studio!"
"I'm sorry, baby," Ashley said quietly. "I can change that."
"I'm tired of you always having to say sorry, Ashley," Spencer said, equally as quiet.
"I'll just...I'll let you live then."
-----
"Spencer? Spencer, are you okay?"
The blonde looked up at him embarrassed and said, "I'm sorry, Dr. Foster. I was in another place."
"Quite okay but I'm sorry, Spencer, our time is up. We'll continue this on Thursday, okay?"
-----
As Spencer climbed into her--Ashley's Porsche, she couldn't help but cry. Three years, Spencer thought, three fucking years and I still can't help but think about her everyday. She waited until the tears stopped before turning the key in the ignition.
-----
Spencer closed her science book when she heard Ashley's ringtone, Something Corporate's 'As You Sleep,' coming from her cell phone on the nightstand.
"Hey you," Spencer said into the receiver.
"Hey, baby. What are you doing?"
"Trying to concentrate on studying for my science final but all I can think about is how bad I want you. Funny story, you see...I'm crazy horny," Spencer answered with a sly smile.
There was silence for a second before Spencer heard a loud crunching noise and a, "holy fuck!"
"Ashley, baby, are you okay? What happened?"
"Fuck, Spencer," Ashley said with a laugh, "you probably shouldn't tell me such things when I'm driving."
"Why? What happened, babe?"
"Because when you say things like 'I want you' and 'crazy horny,' all I can think about is how your bare skin feels against mine and how you taste...and well, I don't see things like the Cavalier stopped in front of me and yeah, um, I'm pretty sure I just totaled the Cayenne...and Jesus Christ, I so have to take a picture of this car--it's sotally fucked! Shit, baby, I have to go. I'm alright, I love you and I'll call you in a bit!" Ashley said before closing her phone and getting out to investigate the damage.
-----
Spencer walked through her front door and threw her keys on the counter. She was walking to the fridge to grab a bottle of water when her phone rang.
"Kyla! How are you?" Spencer said into the phone.
"I'm great, Spence. How's therapy going?" Kyla asked.
"Um, it's progressing," Spencer replied. "I have to explain so much to Dr. Foster before we can really talk."
"Yeah, I get that. But I have some good news!"
"Oh yeah? What's that?" Spencer questioned.
"I'm coming to California on Saturday for a week!"
"Oh, that's great, Ky! We can go out for your birthday!" the blonde said.
-----
"Happy eighteenth, baby!" Ashley said as she ran into Spencer's room.
"Aw, you couldn't wait 'til school?" Spencer asked, walking towards her girlfriend.
Ashley kissed Spencer lightly before answering, "fuck school, Spence. We only have four days left at King High...ever! Let me take you out for your birthday instead."
"My mom would be pissed, so...let's do it," The blonde said while wrapping her arms around Ashley's neck as the brunette wrapped hers around Spencer's waist.
Ashley nuzzled into Spencer's neck, leaving small kisses everywhere. "Want your present?"
"Mmhmm," Spencer replied.
Ashley pulled away and took off the bracelets on her left wrist, uncovering a script 'S.'
"Ashley...oh my God, is that real tattoo?" Spencer took Ashley's nose-crinkling smile as a yes. "Oh my God, Ash. You didn't have to do that!"
"I wanted to, baby."
Spencer grinned wickedly before pushing Ashley against her bedroom door and kissing her deep, long, and hard. Pulling away out of breath, Spencer said, "take me out today. Take me to where you got your tattoo, so I can finally get that 'A.'