"How are you today, Spencer?"
"Quite well, Dr. Foster," Spencer answered.
"How are the nightmares?" He asked.
Spencer played with her hands and replied, "they're becoming less frequent."
"That's good, Spencer. You're getting closer and closer to where you want to be," Dr. Foster stated.
"Yeah, I guess. It's just, I know that I need to get over this, but I don't want to forget about Ashley," Spencer said. "I'm finally accepting that she's just gone...but it doesn't make me miss her any less. I miss everything from her smile to her skin. I miss hearing her laugh. I miss her body and her touch and her voice and...just everything. I even miss her cold hands and feet; I swear that girl always had the touch of death.
"Most of all, I miss the way she made me feel. I've tried dating, but none of those girls even came close to Ashley. Dr. Foster, I'm afraid I'm never going to feel that way again."
"You never will if you don't allow yourself to," he replied. "Spencer, what do you usually do to clear your mind?"
"I drive," Spencer simply replied.
-----
Spencer was sitting in her history class when she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She was hoping it was Ashley telling her where the hell she'd been all day. The blonde carefully opened her phone under her desk and read, "meet me by the south gym doors after school. Love you baby!"
The youngest Carlin simply sported an amused smile as the bell rang. As she turned the corner leading to the south gym doors, she saw it--a brand new Porsche 911 Turbo. Ashley was leaning against the passenger door with a wicked grin on her face. "Holy Hell, Ashley," Spencer said.
"This precious baby--a brand fuckin' new silver 911 Turbo GT--is all mine," the brunette said proudly.
"These cost like a hundred and thirty grand, babe!"
Ashley nodded, "but so worth it, gorgeous. Come on, I know a place we can go test out the top speed!"
"Oh, Lord. Why couldn't you just get another Cayenne?" Spencer asked.
"Those are fast, too, Spence."
-----
Dr. Foster smiled and said, "I drive, too. I have a spot that I go to when I feel...well, overwhelmed. I turn the radio and simply think. It's very relaxing."
"I agree," Spencer replied. "I either drive or sit on the balcony and watch the ocean. My dad, a social worker, is a great listener, so he comes to sit and talk with me sometimes. He's very understanding...unlike my mother."
"Has your mother always been so demanding?"
Spencer laughed and said, "oh, God, yeah. It took her a long time to come to terms with my sexuality. She told me I was going to Hell; I told her to go to Hell. Then I met Ashley, and my mother shifted that disappointment to my relationship with her. Then it was the college I chose, after that it was my major. She's not usually happy with my decisions, but I learned long ago that it doesn't matter. It's just how she was raised. I do love my mother, Dr. Foster, it's just that she's too much to take at times."
"Very understandable, Spencer," he replied. "It's because she loves you, though. A number of my clients are mothers. Many of them want their children to make the decisions they never had the chance to or to guide them away from making the same mistakes they did."
"She hates my tattoo," Spencer stated randomly. "I have an A above my left breast...I had it done on my eighteenth birthday. I remember coming home and showing my brothers and when my mom walked in, she flipped out. It was quite funny actually...I think that was the only time I have ever heard my mother say 'boob.'"
-----
"Ashley, my mom is going to be so pissed, but I love it...I love you," Spencer said while rubbing Tattoo Goo above her breast.
Ashley simply smiled and took the small metal tin from the blonde's hand so she could apply it. "Mark did a great job, huh?"
"It looks so good," Spencer said, examining her chest in the mirror. "This way, you'll always be close to my heart, no matter what."
"Come here and kiss me, gorgeous," Ashley said. "Even though that was incredibly corny."
-----
After Spencer left Dr. Foster's office, she drove around the city for an hour before pulling off onto an all too familiar road and parked her car in front of Carla's Flower Shop. Spencer had been coming in twice a week since Ashley's mother had put a casket in the ground two and a half years ago. Every Monday and Thursday, Spencer walked down the fifth row to the sixteenth stone; a place where she sometimes just sat for hours. The maintenance men had become quite familiar with her, so they always took care of Ashley's headstone for her. Spencer was so grateful for them.
"I'll have my usual, Carla," Spencer said gently to the elderly woman.
"I'll be right back, dear," the woman said. She returned and said, "a bouquet of sunflowers for my best customer."
"I hardly think twice a week makes me your best customer," Spencer said with a smile while pulling her wallet out of her purse.
"Ah, you wouldn't believe, honey."
"Well, in that case, I'm happy to be your best customer," Spencer replied with a wink.
-----
"God, I hate
flowers, you know that?" Ashley said randomly.
"Yeah, babe," Spencer replied, half asleep. "I do know that."
"But sunflowers on the other hand, those are a different story. They're not as pretty and stuck-up as roses, but they're not as ugly as, let's say, weeds. They're like the badass of flowers. They're big, they could kick a rose's ass like it was nothin'," the brunette said while running her hand up and down Spencer's spine.
"Kind of like you, huh?"
"Exactly. You see, Madison is rose. Pretty on the surface, stuck-up, loses appeal after about three days or so," Ashley stated. "I'm a big, bad, mother fuckin' kick ass sunflower."
"But you're my big, bad, mother fuckin' kick ass sunflower, though," Spencer said sleepily.
"It's so hot when you say 'fuck.'"
-----
Fifth row, sixteenth headstone. Spencer didn't even need to look up to know where she was going. When she reached the engraved stone, she sat on the plush, green grass and laid the flowers in front of the polished rock.
"Not much has changed since Monday, babe," Spencer said, exhaling a deep breath. "My mom and I still haven't talked. I suppose I just don't feel the need to right now. She knows the past few months have been really difficult, but she never lets up, you know? But anyway, Kyla's coming to visit...I'm really excited about that. I know we'll get completely shitfaced as usual. Your sister's not the lightweight she used to be, but since you've been gone, I can't hold my liquor to save my life. I usually only drink when she's here. I mean, I'll have a bit of wine here and there, but not too much.
"Maybe we'll go out. I've been cooped up in that house since school ended. I guess I should make some friends...but people suck; they really do. Oh, I talked to Dr. Foster today. Mostly about my mom and my life growing up; nothing too interesting. God, listen to how boring I've become. I feel so pathetic sometimes. It's just terribly hard, but I suppose in time, I'll finally get this 'acceptance' thing everyone's been talking about," Spencer stated.
She took a deep breath before saying, "I miss you so much. Every morning I wake up and reach out to run my hand across your bare back, but you're never there. It feels as if I'll do that forever. A deputy from the Sheriff's office called last week. I guess when they were doing some re-arranging in the evidence room, they found the box full of your things off to the side and covered in dust. He told me I could come get it if I wanted. I keep telling myself I haven't gone because I haven't had time, but I know it's because I'm not ready to move on just yet. That box will kind of make things official, you know?"
-----
Spencer turned left into the lane that led to her beach house. She smiled to herself as its tall windows and picturesque frame came into view. She pulled the car into the expansive garage and killed the ignition. As she stepped out of the vehicle, she hit two on her speed dial and waited for her dad to pick up.
"Hello?"
"Hey, dad. Just calling to let you know I'm home," Spencer said as she opened the door leading to the front hall. "I picked up some fresh veggies and steak the other day...feel like having shish ka bobs?"
Arthur chuckled into the phone and said, "a girl after my own heart. I'll be there in maybe half an hour and I'll pick up some wine on my way. "
"Okay, dad," the blonde replied. "See you then. Love you!"
"I love you, too, honey."
Spencer set her keys and purse on the kitchen counter and sighed. She loved this house...she loved how the outermost wall was made of mirrored glass so the ocean was always visible. Ashley was so proud of this kitchen, with its marble countertops and stainless steel appliances. On the main floor was a large living room, two guest bedrooms and the master bedroom; each with their own bathrooms and walk-in closets. Ashley had put a lot of thought into remodeling the large house. She'd made the basement into her studio and the second floor was completely open, so Ashley had turned that into a den type area. She'd put a mahogany pool table with black felt on one side and the rest of the expansive room was lined with black leather couches that surrounded a large television.
Spencer walked to the refridgerator and grabbed some peppers and a box of cherry tomatoes from the bottom drawer. Next, she set out a cutting board and grabbed her favorite chef knife the magnetic rack above the stove. After peeling a few onions, she placed one on the board and cut the tips off. As she was dicing, she caught the tip of her middle finger with the sharp edge of the knife.
"Fuck," she said loudly, before walking to the sink to run it under some water.
-----
Spencer opened the front door to Ashley's 'humble abode,' as the brunette referred to her sprawling beach front home. "Ashley? I'm here, beautiful, and I come bearing gifts!" The blonde yelled.
"I'm in my room, babe," Ashley yelled back.
Spencer walked down the end of the hall on her right and entered Ashley's bedroom. She was instantly hit with the sweet smell of Ashley's Parisian perfume, so she inhaled deeply before finding the brunette in the bathroom with her arm under the faucet.
"Oh, Ash, what did you do?" Spencer asked, rushing to examine her arm.
"Caught it on my flat iron," Ashley stated. "I thought the little bastard was off...I told you that thing had it out for me. It's been waiting, Spence."
"Probably because you've left it on so many times," Spencer joked. "It's a pretty decent burn, babe. Do you want me to call my mom?"
"And have her go on for twenty minutes about how many houses have burned down from flat irons being left on? I think not, gorgeous," Ashley replied. "Let's find the Neosporin that's hiding around here somewhere, put a band-aid on it and I'll be good to go!"
Spencer smiled at her girlfriend and said, "this is one of the many reasons I love you."
"Mm, baby, I love you too," Ashley said, leaning in to steal a kiss. "Now I heard you say something about gifts...what is it? Edible underwear? Because I am so down."
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