8. The Smile
The siren blared past them. They sat, the four of them, in the gazebo outside, waited for any word on Grissom, waited for a call, a yell, a nurse, for dark. For something, anything.
Warrick and Catherine went back inside, leaving Nick and Sara alone. A nurse stubbed out a cigarette and walked back into the ER; Sara wished that she still smoked. Nick took her hand clumsily, didn't know if it was welcomed, allowed, or not. She didn't pull away, so he put an arm around her, kissed her on the top of her forehead, mumbled a heartfelt apology, but Sara didn't hear it, she was numb. Her eyes were red and swollen, her nose red and raw, and she sniffled, leaned into him, felt guilty.
What she'd failed to mention to Nick, or to anyone, even herself, until that moment, was the conversation between she and Grissom right before he'd gone into the store.
"Maybe we should get married?" he'd said out of the blue, his tone making it sound more of a question than a thought, and Sara stared at him, speechless. A second later the smile had crossed her lips, and she tried to remember what she'd said. She thought it sounded like, "Okay," but couldn't remember. She wanted to think she'd said no, hence her deciding to have him take her home once he came back, but she couldn't be certain now. God, what had she said? Even if she had said no, the smile was the initial response, and it said everything. In an instant, it said, Thank God, finally! After all these years, yes, I will! Yes! I love you! Let's do it! With that smile, her heart did its own talking, leaving Sara silent, without words (which was fine, since none were really needed just then, anyway).
She pulled away from Nick when her cell phone rang, and then made her way back inside, leaving Nick to trail after her.
She hurried down the hall to see Warrick and Catherine sitting in chairs across from his room, a doctor waiting for her. Nick stopped beside her, swallowed hard when he heard.
Sara glanced at him, then to Warrick and Catherine, and then stepped inside Grissom's room.
He smiled and winced at the same time, lifted his hand, motioning her to take it, fumbling with the IV cords.
She stepped forward and sat beside him, took his hand, and he sighed.
"Thought that was it," he said, and Sara laughed, sniffled.
"I guess it takes more than a bullet to stop the tin man, huh?" he joked, and Sara started crying again, her tears flowing almost on their own. Grissom frowned and raised up, took her in his arms. He smoothed her hair back and kissed her face, brushed her tears away, and Sara shook her head. She wondered if Nick was watching through the window, and then realized that it didn't matter much right now.
"Grissom, I love you," she whispered. "And I've always loved you. I probably always will," she added, and Grissom smiled.
"Then why are you crying, Honey?" he whispered, caressing her cheek, and Sara put her head down. When she looked back up a moment later, her tears had stopped. Her lips quivered as she said the words, "Because I can't do this anymore."
Grissom stared at her and after a moment, he leaned back, staring at her.
"I don't understand. I'm okay…" He thought a moment. "Is this about Nick?"
Sara shook her head again, tried to find words.
"It's about me," she said finally, standing up. She knelt down and cupped Grissom's face, and kissed him, her lips brushing softly against his. When he felt a draft and opened his eyes, Sara was gone. He wiped a traitor tear away and closed his eyes, said a silent prayer to whoever might hear it.
Nick knelt down, his back against the wall, his head down, heard Warrick ask if he was alright. He felt a draft go by, heard Catherine sniffle again, and when he looked up he saw, through teary eyes, Sara turn the corner down the hall.
He stood up and took a deep breath and swallowed hard. He patted Warrick on the back and hugged Catherine, told them he was alright but needed to get some air.
He walked down the hall and around the corner, got into the elevator. By the time he exited the double doors of the ER he saw her across the street, walking toward the cab she'd hailed. Before getting inside she saw him, her eyes dark and vibrant as ever, and Nick put his head down. He looked up and nodded, managed a weak smile, and Sara climbed inside.
Nick watched the taxi drive away, out of sight, out of reach. Out of his life, out of all of their lives; he let her go.