Disclaimer: I don't own Shakespeare or Life With Derek...however, poetry-spouting Marti, that's definitely my idea (the poetry-spouting, not the Marti)
A/N: I'm not kidding you, I have had this on my computer for a week. I just had to finish the last two scenes. Shakespeare is brilliant, but sometimes his ideas are...funny...
Casey hadn't slept in three days. She wouldn't let herself sleep. Unfortunately, while ignoring the Sandman kept her from experiencing any more Shakespeare-subconscious-induced dreams, it was also destroying her life. Apparently, sleep was the thing that kept one functioning at an intelligent and sociable level. Without it, one turned into a nonsense-babbling, irritable, snappy shrew of a person. And to top it all off, the lack of sleep had caused Casey to fail two tests. Two tests! In the same week! That day, after she had found out about her test scores, a hysterical Casey was shown into Paul's office, who took one look at her and ordered her to get some sleep. When she tried to protest, saying she wasn't tired, Paul told her that either she went home and got some sleep, or she forfeited the opportunity to retake the tests. So she walked out of the office and straight home, ignoring everyone, including Emily, who seemed rather hurt. Casey couldn't bring herself to care. She was too busy trying to mentally prepare herself for the eventuality that Derek…Shakespeare…love would once again invade her dreams.
Don Jamie rubbed his hands together in glee. Things were all working out as he had planned! Well, maybe not exactly as he had planned, but this just left more leeway for mischief-making! He already had a plan of how to make Edwin and Lizzie's lives miserable, hopefully opening the door to his marriage with the young woman. He called for his servant Scott (not the same one who had brought the news to him).
"Scott, I want you to take Amy, Lizzie's maidservant, you know, the one who looks like her, and bring her onto the girls' porch later tonight. I would like you to…make the beast with two backs with her, pretending she's Lizzie. I will bring Duke Sam and Edwin and they will believe Lizzie is a whore! Edwin will surely denounce her, and then Lizzie shall be mine! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Scott nodded his head in excitement. "Of course my lord. Anything you want, especially when it involves my favorite activity!"
The two laughed gleefully before setting off on their respective errands.
Outside The Girls' Room
Edwin and Sam looked at Jamie skeptically. "So…where's this proof of your slanderous remarks about the woman I am going to marry tomorrow?"
Jamie looked at the girls' balcony and smirked. "Right there, dear cousin. Look on the balcony."
Edwin and Sam looked onto the girls' balcony and were shocked to see an intimate, passionate scene being enacted before their very eyes.
Scott looked at the men on ground and sneered into Amy's neck as he shed her of her dress and moaned, "Lizzie."
The other men were so shocked they failed to observe the woman's reaction to being called another woman's name-namely a protest that was cut short by Scott's lips on hers. The men left the courtyard, Edwin in a rage, Sam sympathetically enraged for his friend, and Jamie dancing in joy on the inside.
"Sam, I can't marry her now! She's…she's a slut! My wife has to be a virgin! Oh, what am I going to do? We are supposed to be getting married tomorrow morning! Oh, woe is me!"
Sam cleared his throat. "I. It's actually woe is I." At Edwin's glare he winced. "Right, right, slut for a fiancée. Well, I think that it would be only right to expose her for who she really is by telling everyone when you stand up to marry her. It only makes sense. (A/N: only a male would think that this could possibly turn out well…)"
Edwin nodded, clearly seeing the wisdom in this idea. "I think I shall do it that way." Neither of the two bothered to notice that Don Jamie was looking as though his birthday had come eight months early and happened to fall on the same day as Christmas.
The Next Day, At The Wedding
Casey and Lizzie beamed as they walked down the aisle, Casey from her realization about the love of her life (and the fact that her little sister would no longer spend every moment talking about how wonderful Edwin was, or rather, she would not be around Casey to talk to her about it). Lizzie was obviously smiling because of the wedding she was about to participate in…or so she thought. Little did either expect the events to follow.
The priest stepped up to Lizzie and Edwin, the latter of whom had a strangely somber expression on his face. "You come here to marry this lady, my lord," the priest said, phrasing it as a question.
Edwin answered grimly, "No."
George Palermo was standing nearby and he stared at the young man before relaxing and laughing a little. "He comes to be married to her, Father. You come to marry her."
"Ah then, let us continue. Do you come to be married to this gentleman, Elizabeth?"
"I do."
"Does anyone know of any reason that would prevent the marriage of these two? If so, speak now, or forever hold your peace."
"What about you, Lizzie, do you know of any reason?" Edwin questioned grimly.
Lizzie looked confused. "No, my lord. Do you?"
"As a matter of fact, I do. Here, in front of all these witnesses, I denounce you, Elizabeth, daughter of George Palermo, for a slut and a whore!" His voice had risen considerably during his announcement, and by the end, Edwin was practically yelling in her face.
Lizzie gasped and stumbled back in terror. She fell into the arms of her sister, weeping. "Is this a cruel joke, Edwin? What are you talking about?"
That's when Sam stepped in. "There's no use denying it. We saw you, last night on your balcony. It was fairly obvious what was happening," his voiced dripped with poison.
Lizzie was too humiliated and hurt to protest, so she merely turned her head into Casey's chest and cried. Casey, on the other hand, had no qualms about making her opinion known, and loudly. "How dare you make these accusations against my sister! Where is your proof? I have been her roommate for ten years and out of anyone here I would know her sleeping habits the best and I know that Lizzie would never do anything like that!"
Edwin and Sam glared at Casey and Lizzie. "Don George, if you will pardon us," Sam said icily, bowing lightly to the older gentleman who had still not recovered from the shock. "We will take leave of your place shortly." With that he and Edwin turned and walked out of the church, leaving behind a stunned crowd.
George was the first one to recover, and he walked over to his daughters, anger making him shake. "How dare you," he yelled at the two girls. "Vipers in my bosom! Ungrateful wretches! Whores in my house!" He raised his hand to strike and Casey bent over her sister to protect her. Before he could release the blow though, Derek grabbed his arm. "Your grace, I have something I wish to say to you, but not in front of all these witnesses. Perhaps it would be best if we all retired to the adjoining chamber." He said it quietly, revealing none of the emotion he had been feeling all morning.
George looked around as if seeing the wedding party for the first time, and then back at his daughters on the floor, the youngest cowering and crying, the eldest defiant and angry. "Very well. Let's go." And with that he stalked into the adjoining chamber. The priest looked at the situation and sighed, following the don into the chamber. After motioning to the crowd to disperse, Derek went over to Casey and Lizzie and helped them into the room. After shutting the door, he began to speak.
"Now, I know this sounds far-fetched and improbable to you, but please remember as I propose my…theory that I have knowledge of this person that far overreaches any of yours. Anyways, while everyone else was watching the drama unfold at the altar, I was watching a certain cousin of mine. As Edwin and Don Sam spoke, Don Jamie seemed far too happy with himself. Now, if Lizzie protests her innocence, I am tempted to believe her, as I have found her to be one of the most virtuous women I have ever met. And given the reaction of my cousin, added to the knowledge that he wanted to marry Lizzie, all of the evidence leads me to believe that this entire scene was in fact a drama instigated by none other than Don Jamie."
Everyone looked at him in shock, that is, everyone except the priest. The priest nodded his head slowly before addressing the Don. "Your grace, I agree with Lord Derek. The entire situation seems a little too contrived to be an accident."
George sighed. "I wish to believe you. But after everything that happened, even if I did believe you, what good would it do? My little girl has been denounced and jilted, and no one will now believe in her innocence."
"To that end, your grace, I believe I may have a solution. (A/N: Once again, only a male would believe that this is a great way to resolve this problem.) I propose that we announce that in grief from a false accusation, young Elizabeth died. I believe that her accuser would then feel such remorse that he would come forward."
George thought about it for a moment. "It sounds like a plausible idea." He turned to look at his daughters. "Dearest," he said remorsefully, going over to Lizzie, "I am sorry I doubted you. I should have known you would never besmirch your virtue in such a way. And now we shall find a way to restore it, and hopefully restore Edwin to you." Lizzie sobbed on her father's shoulder, and the priest cleared his throat.
"Perhaps Elizabeth should stay here until this matter has resolved itself," he suggested tactfully. George agreed and then he, the priest and Lizzie left Derek and Casey alone in the chamber together.
Derek looked at Casey, who was standing, staring at the wall in front of her. He could see the sheen of tears on her cheeks and felt his heart crack.
"You're crying," he stated. Casey gave a bitter laugh.
"I'm crying, and I intend to cry a lot longer."
"I hate seeing you cry." Derek moved closer to Casey and put his hand on her cheek.
Casey scoffed, but it came out as a half-sob. Derek couldn't stand it any longer. "You know, there is nothing in this world I love as much as you. Isn't that strange?"
She sniffed. "Only as strange as me saying I loved you."
Derek gave a bitter laugh. "I have been led to believe…that is, to hope that you may feel that way towards me. But I just had to tell you, that I think that if I couldn't have you, I would die."
Casey started crying. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry then."
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because we are standing in the midst of my sister's ruined wedding, ruined by your brother, who announced to the whole world that he thought she was a slut. Now my father is plotting to have my sister killed off, yes I know it is only a story, but it is kind of a bad time to be declaring love for one another!"
"On the contrary, I think it is a perfect time. What better way to salvage this day than to make true declarations of love to one another? C'mon, Case, I would do anything for you, do this one thing for me."
Casey looked at him, eyes narrowed. "You would do anything for me?"
"Anything. I would climb the highest mountain or swim the deepest ocean for you."
It was Casey's turn to laugh bitterly. "It won't be anything quite so strenuous. I want you to kill Edwin."
Derek looked at her in shock. "I'm sorry, you want me to do…what?!"
"Kill Edwin."
"I thought we had already discussed how Edwin was not at fault for this plot against your sister."
"It doesn't matter. He was the one who humiliated my sister and broke her heart. He deserves to die. If you truly loved me, you would kill him."
"He's my brother, for goodness's sake, Casey! I can't just kill him."
Casey turned to walk out. "I guess you don't love me then."
Derek grabbed her arm. "I do love you. But killing my brother, is that really necessary?"
"He took an innocent maiden and accused her of prostitution in front of the entire town. If I were a man, I would cut out his heart and eat it! And on her wedding day, nonetheless! To do that to a woman you claim to love…if that is love then I want no more part of it!"
Derek looked at her for a moment before turning to walk out. "Very well," he whispered as he passed the threshold, but by the time his words reached Casey's ears, he had already left.
Edwin and Sam were standing outside the stables as their horses were saddled when George rounded the corner and saw them. If the priest hadn't held him back, Edwin and Sam would have been accosted by a forty-something man with vengeance on his mind. As it was, they were treated to a rather informative speech.
"I hope you are happy, my lords. I hope that you go home and sleep every night for the rest of your life remembering how you destroyed the life of an innocent young woman. And of course, by destroyed, I mean caused the death of said young woman. My little girl is dead all because of you! And she died in shame! If I were not a gentleman, you would both die before you left my lands!"
The priest put a cautionary hand in front of the don's face. "Now, now, lord, we don't want them to have proof of your desire to murder both of them I hope they understand that if I weren't a man of the cloth, I would join you in this nonexistent venture to separate their worthless souls from their bodies, but since there is no plot, we don't have to worry about it." He kept babbling on, really only trying to keep George from attacking Edwin and Sam.
Meanwhile Edwin had paled. "Wh-what do you mean, she's dead?" Beside him, Sam looked ill.
George glared at them. "Obviously, my little girl's honor was so impugned, and on her wedding day, nonetheless, that she died of a broken heart."
Before anyone else could say a word, Derek ran up to Edwin. Both Edwin and Sam looked at him in relief. "Derek, we've been waiting for you. Let's get going."
Derek ignored Sam and walked straight up to Edwin, slamming his hand around Edwin's throat and shoving him back against the wall. "I never thought this day would come, brother, but I am officially ashamed to call you my family. You are scum. A young woman's life was lost, her family grieves, because you were an idiot. I am throwing down the gauntlet now, and challenging you to a duel for the woman's honor. Tomorrow morning." He released Edwin and turned to Sam.
"Dude, it's been great serving with you, but that was despicable. I have to withdraw myself from your service. Talk to you later." Before either of the two could say a word, Derek turned and stalked away. George and Tony, the priest, were still watching in disbelief when a small voice popped out of nowhere.
"It wasn't her/standing in the night/it was a nasty cur/who's taken flight."
Everyone looked around in confusion, but only Edwin spotted the little girl standing in the shadows of the stable.
"What are you talking about, Marti?"
"I heard it last night/the plan to destroy/love with a blight/and give Don Jamie joy. They planned it well/and it occurred the way they said/you're going to hell/because of the lady you left for dead. She was innocent, she was/and completely true to you/your words are the cause/of this terrible brew."
Edwin stared at his little sister. "How do you know it's not true," he croaked. The little girl came forward and handed him something.
"This fell off the woman you saw/with the treacherous snake smiling on/the necklace has only one flaw/it doesn't belong to the swan. A sparrow was there/as deceived as you/her body was bare/but her name was untrue."
George stepped up to Edwin and Marti and looked at the necklace in Edwin's hand. "That's not my daughter's necklace."
"How do you know it wasn't a gift from her lover?" Edwin practically spat, remembering that night.
George glared at him. "Besides the fact that my daughter didn't have a lover, turn it over." Edwin did so and gasped in shock and horror. Engraved on the back of the locket was the name Amy, one of Lizzie's lady maids that happened to share the same hair and body type as Lizzie.
"So…so it really wasn't Lizzie," he croaked out. As that news sank in, he fell to the ground. "Oh my God, I killed her. She's dead and it's all my fault." Sam sank to the ground next to him, putting his arm around his friend's shoulders and looking at George in horror.
"My lord, do you know who it was that participated in deceiving us? I would have the blackguard's name, as I am going to kill him with my bare hands."
George shook his head. "I had no proof except the knowledge of my daughter's virtue. But I would imagine that you should look to your cousin, Don Jamie. He seemed remarkably happy at the dreadful scene this morning."
Edwin raised his head with a look of utter rage. "I am going to kill him." It was uttered with such malice that Sam almost flinched back. But then Edwin's expression changed and he grabbed George's hand. "I cannot express the regret I feel for the part I played in your daughter's death. However, I offer myself up to you. Decide on your revenge, and no matter what it is, I shall accept it as my due."
George looked at him appraisingly. "Anything I choose?" At Edwin's nod, he sat back thoughtfully for a moment. "You cannot do the one thing that would make me happiest-bring back my beloved daughter. However, you can make sure everyone knows that she was innocent of all she was accused of by composing a poem to recite at her grave and having it engraved to lay on the door of her tomb. In addition, I have a sweet, young ward who has the same appearance as my beloved Lizzie. If you would take her as your bride, and I could be assured of her well-being, I would be able to die content."
Edwin consented, tears still coursing down his cheeks. George looked at Tony before continuing. "Then we will mourn my daughter tonight and you will marry my ward tomorrow morning. Meanwhile, I shall send my men to find the perpetrators of this scheme so they can be punished accordingly."
Just then Scott Justus appeared. His face was haggard and his eyes were flashing freakily. He saw George and ran to him, throwing himself at George's feet. "My lord, please, please kill me! It was I, my lord! I was the one outside your daughter's bedchamber last night! I was the cause of her death! Please kill me!"
An enraged look came over George's face, but before he could do anything, Edwin had snatched Scott from the ground and slammed him against a wall, whipping his dagger against his neck. "Speak again, toad," he spat from between clenched teeth, "And you will be speaking through your throat. I should kill you right now, but first I want to know who set you up to this?"
Scott swallowed nervously, but didn't say a word. Edwin slammed him against the wall and screamed, "Tell me!'
"I-it was j-just me, my lord! I did it!" Scott started blubbering.
Frustrated, Edwin shoved him against the wall again as he stormed off. Sam looked at Scott and then after Edwin before deciding to follow his friend. When the two were gone, George walked over to Scott's huddled form.
"You aren't smart enough to come up with this plan on your own, Scott, and besides, you had nothing to gain. So I'm going to take a wild guess and say that the actual schemer was your master, Don Jamie."
Scott nodded weakly. George glared as he continued. "Where is the honored don?"
"He's fled, my lord! He left the minute we found out about Lady Lizzie's death!"
George turned to Tony and told him to order the don's men to apprehend Don Jamie at all costs and then grabbed Scott and dragged him to the nearest guard. Throwing the whimpering man at the guard's feet, George ordered him to take Scott to the dungeon before heading off to plan his daughter's funeral and wedding.
In The Garden, Before The Funeral
Derek paced the garden in front of a giggling Marti. Every few minutes he would stop, recite something that would send Marti back into a storm of giggles, frown, and start pacing again.
"Ok, ok, how about this: She is as beautiful as the clouds in the sky/I am so in love with her I could cry/So bring me a ring/Marrying Casey is better than a bee sting?"
Marti fell off the retaining wall, she was laughing so hard. When she managed to control the giggles enough to talk, she gasped, "Your rhymes are terrible/your sentiments worse/The only thing comparable/Is Hamanaptra's purple purse!"
Derek looked at her, appalled. "And your rhymes are better?"
Marti giggled again. "You compared your love/to a bee sting/You could give her a shove/she'd be more likely to take your ring."
Derek rolled his eyes, and declared, "I am terrible at writing. I refuse to try and woo her with poetry. After all," he boasted, "she loved me when I was cruel to her!"
Marti rolled her eyes at her brother. "I don't think I've ever met/a bigger dork than you/And yet I would take a bet/that what you said is true."
At The Funeral
Edwin stood before Lizzie's tomb in tears as she stood removed, hidden under a black cloak, trying not to giggle. As much as she was hurt by Edwin's accusations, she could tell he was truly sorry, and frankly, it was funny to stand outside your own tomb while people thought you were dead. As if false accusations could actually kill me, she thought, suppressing the urge to roll her eyes. They were more likely to cause her to kill someone than cause her to fall over dead.
Edwin began to sing, and although Lizzie was still amused at the idea that he was singing to her dead person, she was still touched by the sweetness of his song.
"Oh my dearest Lizzie/here you lie, dead/All my fault/yes it is/for I accused you of treachery/I want all to know/you are a truly virginal woman/whose honor will never be stained/while I live."
Casey stood beside her cloaked sister, shaking her head. This entire production is ridiculous. On the plus side, I did hear that Derek challenged Edwin. I guess I can allow him to not kill Edwin now. After all, he did repent, and he is going to marry my sister, although he doesn't know it. At that thought, Casey giggled softly, and Lizzie elbowed her before hissing, "You're supposed to be mourning me, loser!"
"It's kinda hard to get into the whole mourning-my-sister mode when she's standing right next to me, elbowing me."
Lizzie glared and grabbed her sister's arm, dragging her away from the funeral, hoping that people would believe the two had been overcome by grief rather than the actual sisterly squabble.
The Next Morning, At The Wedding
Casey, Lizzie, a repentant Amy, Emily, and a few other lady's maids, all veiled, stood at the altar awaiting the groom. Edwin, Sam, and Derek came into the church, Edwin looking ill but determined. He walked up to the ladies' before looking bemusedly at George.
"Which is your ward, lord, that I am to marry?"
George motioned to Lizzie, who stepped forward. Edwin took one of her hands and began to remove the veil, but George jumped in and ordered him to leave it on until the vows were said. Edwin acquiesced and the priest stepped forward to marry the two.
After doing a remarkable job of never saying the bride's name, the priest finally declared that the two were married and Edwin could kiss the bride. Edwin lifted Lizzie's veil and staggered back. "What kind of sorcery is this?"
Lizzie, Casey, and the others in on the scheme began to laugh. "No scheme, Edwin, just a trick. You falsely accused me in front of everyone, so we decided to take drastic measures to make you and the ones responsible repent. It worked, didn't it?" And she smiled cheekily at him.
Edwin shouted a laugh as he grabbed Lizzie around the waist and swung her around before kissing her like the world was going to end. The entire church burst into applause. As the two finished and started walking away, Derek stepped up to the priest.
"Before we adjourn today, I think that you should perform one more marriage ceremony. After all, there is a woman here who is dying to be wedded to me. I thought, being the incredibly generous and decent guy that I am, that I would make her dreams come true."
The priest stared at Derek before turning to the crowd. "Is this true? Is there a woman here who wants to marry this braggart?"
Lizzie, Edwin, and Sam pushed Casey forward while George looked on, grinning.
Casey looked stunned for a moment before smiling sneakily and walking toward Derek. "You know," she pondered as she walked. "I heard it the other way around. I heard that you were mooning over me, and I shall allow you to take my hand in marriage."
Derek snorted. "If that's the story you heard, than you must be delusional. Edwin and Sam were gossiping about how you were head over heels in love with me."
Casey sniffed. "As if. I don't have any sort of feelings, except for possibly intense dislike, for you. You, on the other hand, according to my sister and friend are totally and completely in love with me."
"I could never love a bad-tempered shrew like you!"
"And I could never love an idiotic, chauvinistic jerk like you!"
Sam decided he had had enough of the two combatants and walked forward, waving a piece of paper. "I think you'll find, my friend, that these words, penned in your own hand, to the lovely Casey contradict your words. Shall I read them?" Without allowing Derek a moment to protest, Sam plunged on. "Oh what beauteous eyes she has/my beloved Casey/So deep and blue and soulful/And beautifully blue…"
Casey bent over laughing. "Your attempt at poetry leaves much to be desired, but I guess it proves my point!"
Lizzie picked this moment to intervene. "Well, Casey, I found this paper with your writing on it. 'An Ode to His Brown Eyes.' Shall I read it?"
Red-faced, Casey snatched the paper from Lizzie's hands. "No," she muttered. Derek looked at her and snickered. "Don't love me, huh?"
She hit him on the arm. "Whatever. Obviously you're just a liar."
Derek grabbed her hands. "Ah, but I am a liar in love with you. Will you marry me?"
Casey gazed at him. "Of course I will." And then, always needing to have the last word, she grinned and winked. "After all, if I don't, you might attempt more poetry to me!" Derek growled and pulled her to him, silencing her giggles with his mouth.
Casey woke up and buried her head under her pillow. "ARGH! I hate Shakespeare!"
A/N: Unlike Casey, I love Shakespeare. Watch Much Ado About Nothing directed by Kenneth Branagh. It's the funniest thing...Hopefully I will have another chapter up soon, but probably not before Christmas. Boxing Day, maybe, but definitely not Christmas. The next chapter will only mention how much Shakespeare drives everyone insane, it won't actually be based on a Shakespeare play. Casey, Derek, Sam, and Emily need to have an actual conversation, don't you think? Yes, I know I am rambling. It's 11:30pm. What do you expect?